How do I grow some balls and start approaching women?

[mauthnerfan]

I'm going crazy. I keep going out with the specific purpose of approaching, see a lot of beautiful girls, yet every time I chicken out and don't do anything. I managed to get two (2) cold approaches done in my life, each time rejected. I feel I'm getting older (I'm 27 now) and steadily losing any opportunity. Yet I can't seem to do anything to overcome my fear (diet, meditation, physical and breathing exercises, journaling... nothing helped). How do I get unstuck? With each passing day I feel more and more destined to loneliness.

 

[gameboy]

Find the newbie assignment! It's hidden somewhere on these boards

(@Mods - maybe put it somewhere super prominent?)

I was the same as you, until I found it. Didn't start day game approaching until 49. I wish I had at 27!!!

 

[isildur1]

Mediate for a period of 20-30 minutes can help clear your mind

but finding good wingmen to motivate you might be your best bet - this is what pushed me over the line to actually starting cold approach- Finding wingmen too is long and difficult but it can be worth it in the end https://mindful-masculinity.org/202...hose-starting-out-on-their-seduction-journey/

 

[Spyce D]

I'm going crazy. I keep going out with the specific purpose of approaching, see a lot of beautiful girls, yet every time I chicken out and don't do anything. I managed to get two (2) cold approaches done in my life, each time rejected. I feel I'm getting older (I'm 27 now) and steadily losing any opportunity. Yet I can't seem to do anything to overcome my fear (diet, meditation, physical and breathing exercises, journaling... nothing helped). How do I get unstuck? With each passing day I feel more and more destined to loneliness.

Make things easy for yourself .

No need of ego lifting .


Start really small and build it up from there.

Sounds not at all like a badass but It worked for me .

Fear will go away eventually from consistent action and your mind realising that a lot of pretty women are open to talking with you ( a complete stranger ) ... For whom a lot of guys would die for , just to exchange a few words with .

 

[Tryst]

Forget your meditation and go and talk to women. Here's what works for me when I'm in bad state/momentum.

Don't think of it as you're going to "approach" her, as if you have any sort of goal. All you have to do is think of a sentence, walk up to a woman, and say it, and be totally ready to walk away, no matter what she says. You're not even trying to start a conversation, you're just trying to say the words. Nothing more. If you can go up to a set and say some words you have achieved your goal.

If you do this a few times, you'll see that nothing bad happens, and in fact, sometimes they'll smile at you/be pleased/invite you to continue talking. Maybe as you do it more times, you'll stay for a moment when they invite you to stay (with their body language.

My nights start with me just saying the words to a set, and then they're super happy I said something, and I end up hooking them and maybe I get laid. It's happened before.

Go out and think of some words and just say them at people. Don't even try to open. Just say the words.

 

[alexlaguma]

We've all been there bro.

What worked for me when i threw myself back into daygame is I said to myself "i literally don't care how these approaches go, i couldn't care less what happens, all i want to do is do the approaches"

And to be honest, I still get apprehensive now. The funny thing is after I've done one I'm absolutely fine. Then I can reel off 3 or 4 in quick succession. Its just the first one that is a pain in the ass.

As someone said earlier though, i think a wing could help you. Having someone around will mean its less likely you get inside your own head and talk yourself out of approaching.

 

[isildur1]

We've all been there bro.

What worked for me when i threw myself back into daygame is I said to myself "i literally don't care how these approaches go, i couldn't care less what happens, all i want to do is do the approaches"

And to be honest, I still get apprehensive now. The funny thing is after I've done one I'm absolutely fine. Then I can reel off 3 or 4 in quick succession. Its just the first one that is a pain in the ass.

As someone said earlier though, i think a wing could help you. Having someone around will mean its less likely you get inside your own head and talk yourself out of approaching.

also thinking what will happen if you don't take action and approach - you will be stuck with a shitty social circle with no new women and dependent on dating apps which isn't a great place to be for the majority of men . You need action to get out of the rut and every men should do at least some daygame as right of passage

 

[FAB DRONES]

I'm going crazy. I keep going out with the specific purpose of approaching, see a lot of beautiful girls, yet every time I chicken out and don't do anything. I managed to get two (2) cold approaches done in my life, each time rejected. I feel I'm getting older (I'm 27 now) and steadily losing any opportunity. Yet I can't seem to do anything to overcome my fear (diet, meditation, physical and breathing exercises, journaling... nothing helped). How do I get unstuck? With each passing day I feel more and more destined to loneliness.

Try only doing it if happens by chance. So if you are doing errands and you happen to see a girl you’d want. It seems to me to add extra anxiety when you go out for the sole purpose of doing pickup.

 

[gameboy]

Try only doing it if happens by chance. So if you are doing errands and you happen to see a girl you’d want. It seems to me to add extra anxiety when you go out for the sole purpose of doing pickup.

Hmm I disagree with that. If you rely on chance there's a large probability you're not going to do anything at all.

I need to force myself to do at least the first approach of the day, even if it's just a silly question like asking a girl her favorite color or whatever. After that, it's much easier to get in the flow. Not automatic, but like @alexlaguma said, the first one of the day is hardest.

 

[SexualHero]

If you are beginner at first you need to do exposure therapy, progressive desensitization. What this mean is, for starters, do what you can, and escalate from there.

So if your AA is really bad, you should be able to at least ask for time. Repeat until you can do next step and so on, until you can do kind of approach you wanted to do in first place.

So, for example:

Step 1. Ask 10 times "what time it is"
Step 2. Ask 10 times for direction to somewhere.
Step 3. Ask 10 times if she knows is there Starbucks ( or coffee shop, pizzeria, whatever ) nearby ?
Step 4. Ask 10 times if she knows is there Starbucks ( or coffee shop, pizzeria, whatever ) nearby, then ask has she been there and are they any good.
Step 5. Give a compliment on her clothing. Be prepared to walk away unless she stops and wants to talk. If she wants to talk, talk as much as you can. Every minute longer you stay, additional points for you
Step 6. Do opener you wanted to do in first place.

You can add or remove steps depending on how bad your AA is. But pretty much anyone can conquer his AA doing this simple exposure therapy exercises. You are stuck at step 4 and can progress to step 5 for example ? Fine then do step 4 20 times. Still can do it ? Then do it 50 times, 100 times whatever it takes to progress to step 5. Or introduce intermediary step if you think it will help.

As for guys who have it under control, like other guys already explained, key is in the first approach of the day. That's one is usually hardest, so make sure you do it as soon as you go out, DO NOT procrastinate. More you procrastinate, less likely it is you will approach at all, and you will be stuck doing stupid exercises above lol. Approach first woman you see, even if you are not interested. Any kind of excuses are forbidden when you are doing the first one, you have to do no matter what.

Later on, even this won't be necessary, and you will be able to approach fine who you want and when you want, even if its the first approach of the day. Unless you make a big pause, like weeks or months of no approaching.

 

[bgwh]

The last post by SexualHero is amazing. I'd follow that plus add a few things:

1) if you post a journal, ignore the amogs who will try to tell you to "be a real man" and skip 20 steps. You'll be done with the microsteps before you know it and won't need the training wheels any more in no time.

2) this will help a lot, look for the positive evidence. As you're doing things like asking for directions, notice how girls respond and notice how excited some will be. Some will just give you the directions, others will get excited and try to extend the conversation, some might even start flirting. This will boost your confidence when you find out just how many want more.

3) Use the opportunity to develop calibration. This means ask the question, and pause to look at her response. I found some blog post the other day that explain this well, I wonder why it isn't taught more often:

Break Down Your Daygame Opener Into 3 Phases

I’ve been mentoring a lot of beginner beginners lately, and a common thread I see is that they deliver the opener in one block. It usually sounds like: “Hi this is random but I thought …

pancakemouse.wordpress.com

Ps did I mention ignoring the ego lifters both in your head and online?

 

[Adventurer]

Am I the only one who thinks the newbie exercise is extremely difficult and not realistic for newbies to complete?

Anyway, like others have said, AA is a problem for everyone, and one of the highest barriers to entry. If the exercises proposed by SexualHero are still too difficult, you can do the following

-Hold eye contact with hot girls coming in front of you in the street. Surprisingly hard when you're a complete beginner

-Explore a new place and figure out how you WOULD approach if you could. Is there something situationally relevant? What directions would you ask if you went indirect? What compliment would you give to the girls you see? You don't have to approach anyone but you're still going out and doing something, so you get free winner effect without any pressure.

If you do both of those things for a few weeks, it will make actual approaches easier. But tbh it's never easy

 

[bgwh]

Am I the only one who thinks the newbie exercise is extremely difficult and not realistic for newbies to complete?

Anyway, like others have said, AA is a problem for everyone, and one of the highest barriers to entry. If the exercises proposed by SexualHero are still too difficult, you can do the following

-Hold eye contact with hot girls coming in front of you in the street. Surprisingly hard when you're a complete beginner

-Explore a new place and figure out how you WOULD approach if you could. Is there something situationally relevant? What directions would you ask if you went indirect? What compliment would you give to the girls you see? You don't have to approach anyone but you're still going out and doing something, so you get free winner effect without any pressure.

If you do both of those things for a few weeks, it will make actual approaches easier. But tbh it's never easy

I don't think asking for directions is too difficult for anyone. Or do you mean the requirement that it has to be 10 people?

It can be 1 person. And the person can start by going to a neighbourhood he knows that he will never go to, and it's completely outside where he ever goes, so it's genuine, and ask 1-2 people to start with.

With that said, breaking things down further is a good idea. I really like the post I linked to above. Instead of asking for directions, it can be broken down in the stages of "1) get attention, see response, 2) say opener". And yes, if a person really has to, they can just practice 1 like you said. But honestly I think that might be taking it a bit far, because you don't really get responses if you don't commit to actually saying something. I think anyone can ask for directions, even if they have to do it in a differen neighbourhood or city to start with.

 

[Adventurer]

I don't think asking for directions is too difficult for anyone. Or do you mean the requirement that it has to be 10 people?

It can be 1 person. And the person can start by going to a neighbourhood he knows that he will never go to, and it's completely outside where he ever goes, so it's genuine, and ask 1-2 people to start with.

With that said, breaking things down further is a good idea. I really like the post I linked to above. Instead of asking for directions, it can be broken down in the stages of "1) get attention, see response, 2) say opener". And yes, if a person really has to, they can just practice 1 like you said. But honestly I think that might be taking it a bit far, because you don't really get responses if you don't commit to actually saying something. I think anyone can ask for directions, even if they have to do it in a differen neighbourhood or city to start with.

I couldn't approach any good looking girl for months when I started. Even asking for directions

 

[James D]

@mauthnerfan

Seeing this late, hope things have improved.

On how to FINALLY get yourself approaching:

Throw yourself in the fire.

Burn.

Rise from the ashes.

Throw yourself into it again.

Be courageous man.

It's not the absence of fear, it's facing the fear and going for it nevertheless.

 

[bgwh]

I couldn't approach any good looking girl for months when I started. Even asking for directions

Was this tied to them being good looking and hot? As in, you could ask for directions of older women and unattractive women?

 

[SexualHero]

It's not the absence of fear, it's facing the fear and going for it nevertheless.

That requires you to be brave. Most people unfortunately aren't, so exposure therapy exercises help to lessen the fear, so you don't have to be brave and still can approach women

Psychiatrists do these kinds of exercises as treatment for different fears and phobias.

 

[James D]

That requires you to be brave. Most people unfortunately aren't, so exposure therapy exercises help to lessen the fear, so you don't have to be brave and still can approach women

Psychiatrists do these kinds of exercises as treatment for different fears and phobias.

Yeah maybe.

The way I see it, bravery is required at every step.

The approach, moving her, grabbing her contact details, first date, first touch, inviting her home, physical escalation.

Not sure how many steps in the process can be handled by these exercises.

Unless necessary, I'd say choose bravery.

 

[iceberg slim]

I'm going crazy. I keep going out with the specific purpose of approaching, see a lot of beautiful girls, yet every time I chicken out and don't do anything. I managed to get two (2) cold approaches done in my life, each time rejected. I feel I'm getting older (I'm 27 now) and steadily losing any opportunity. Yet I can't seem to do anything to overcome my fear (diet, meditation, physical and breathing exercises, journaling... nothing helped). How do I get unstuck? With each passing day I feel more and more destined to loneliness.

I'm surprised no one has mentioned the "warm up approach" which Chase has a great article about:

Tactics Tuesdays: The Warm-Up Approach

In straightforward parlance, a ‘warm-up approach’ is an approach you make to get your social gears lubricated for a day or night meeting new women. The warm-up approach is a simple concept to get one’s head around, but a lot of men still don’t use it. It’s one of the best tools out there though...

www.girlschase.com

The idea is that you approach 3 or 4 chicks with the express purpose of NOT getting a phone number or anything else. The goal is simply to chat and flirt. If you can't do that, ask for the time, then build it up from there (as others have explained). Then you're off to the races flirting, asking for phone numbers and dates, because you're warmed up.

 

[James D]

I'm surprised no one has mentioned the "warm up approach" which Chase has a great article about:

Tactics Tuesdays: The Warm-Up Approach

In straightforward parlance, a ‘warm-up approach’ is an approach you make to get your social gears lubricated for a day or night meeting new women. The warm-up approach is a simple concept to get one’s head around, but a lot of men still don’t use it. It’s one of the best tools out there though...

www.girlschase.com

The idea is that you approach 3 or 4 chicks with the express purpose of NOT getting a phone number or anything else. The goal is simply to chat and flirt. If you can't do that, ask for the time, then build it up from there (as others have explained). Then you're off to the races flirting, asking for phone numbers and dates, because you're warmed up.

Great one!