How do you overcome fomo?

[outofplace]

Hey guys,

I've been been joining new social circles in the recent months and have met tons of different women by sheer numbers game. Got a bunch of them out on dates, no difficulty following through on the routine I developed, but none of them really excited me by the end of the night. So much so that I started slacking off and taking a break with all interactions.

But by complete chance I came across a girl that ticks off a lot of the boxes I am looking for - funny, spontaneous, interested in all the things I'm interested in, great career. Works just 10 mins away from my place (by sheer coincidence) so logistics are absolutely perfect for future considerations. We shouldn't even have met, she was absolutely aloof and isolated in the social setting, by some miracle I got her off the train and into my car that night within one stop. It was a little too late for any action as she had to wake up really early but we did make some plans for other days.

Only problem is, I'm getting too excited about her. She's an enigma. She's super engaged when we're face to face, has absolutely no resistance following me around for anything. I feel like I've built a lifetime of experience with her (I keep moving her to new places to do new stuff). But when the night is over, it's really hard to schedule something else. Eventually when I do manage to get her out, things go extremely well again.

The latest interaction was a date on Thu night with plans to do a group activity on Sat but she cancelled on Sat and didn't reply until Sun asking if I went for the group thing anyway. I've ignored that message as I don't want to reward her actions but I'm fighting really hard trying not to ping her to make new plans. My personal read is that she's shopping around with others as well which is perfectly fine as we're not in any commitment but she hasn't admitted to seeing anyone else either.

Typing this out has helped me see that I'm breaking all the rules of chase framing but I can't seem to help it as none of the girls I've met in the past couple of years have even come close to this girl. Every part in me knows I need to dial back on the investment and flip the control dynamics but no matter what I do I can't shake off the fear of letting this one slip away.

Thoughts appreciated.

 

[HoofHearted]

A classic rabbit trap.

What you're describing sounds like attachment to me.

Tread carefully, and engage with other prospects immediately.

Rather than thinking about what you might 'get' from one girl (sex, love, affection), think about what you could potentially give to many girls (not one specifically).

And good luck. It isn't a good position but it is one we all must play when we land in it.

 

[outofplace]

I'm not entirely sure what you mean by rabbit trap.

Tread carefully, and engage with other prospects immediately.

Rather than thinking about what you might 'get' from one girl (sex, love, affection), think about what you could potentially give to many girls (not one specifically).

That's the issue here, there are no other prospects. None of the girls I've met this far have ticked off so many boxes.

Maybe I'm just dejected about playing the numbers game these days. Every girl I have met so far felt like I was dating down. I lost interest really quickly. With her I still wouldn't be dating up but when I'm around her, I feel like I am at least dating equal.

 

[HoofHearted]

I feel for you, my friend, I really do.

But all you're really expressing to me is general frustration with the game and 'special girl' syndrome.

This is the part of the process that is easy to hate, but I am trying to learn to love.

You have to find a way to meet women you like. Sorry it's hard. Sorry it doesn't always pan out, and we seem to waste time going out and trying, or pursuing dead ends. But it's part of the game. Let's find a way to love it.

You have to realize you will always be tempted to overinvest in one special girl, and that this is pain. Sorry this is the nature of desire. We learn to ride this horse better, and strategies around the idea that we will always be drawn and overcommitted to what we believe is scarce. Let's find a way to love it. Perhaps learning to actively exist alongside this type of attachment is the gift in itself.

 

[Will_V]

Hey guys,

I've been been joining new social circles in the recent months and have met tons of different women by sheer numbers game. Got a bunch of them out on dates, no difficulty following through on the routine I developed, but none of them really excited me by the end of the night. So much so that I started slacking off and taking a break with all interactions.

But by complete chance I came across a girl that ticks off a lot of the boxes I am looking for - funny, spontaneous, interested in all the things I'm interested in, great career. Works just 10 mins away from my place (by sheer coincidence) so logistics are absolutely perfect for future considerations. We shouldn't even have met, she was absolutely aloof and isolated in the social setting, by some miracle I got her off the train and into my car that night within one stop. It was a little too late for any action as she had to wake up really early but we did make some plans for other days.

Only problem is, I'm getting too excited about her. She's an enigma. She's super engaged when we're face to face, has absolutely no resistance following me around for anything. I feel like I've built a lifetime of experience with her (I keep moving her to new places to do new stuff). But when the night is over, it's really hard to schedule something else. Eventually when I do manage to get her out, things go extremely well again.

The latest interaction was a date on Thu night with plans to do a group activity on Sat but she cancelled on Sat and didn't reply until Sun asking if I went for the group thing anyway. I've ignored that message as I don't want to reward her actions but I'm fighting really hard trying not to ping her to make new plans. My personal read is that she's shopping around with others as well which is perfectly fine as we're not in any commitment but she hasn't admitted to seeing anyone else either.

Typing this out has helped me see that I'm breaking all the rules of chase framing but I can't seem to help it as none of the girls I've met in the past couple of years have even come close to this girl. Every part in me knows I need to dial back on the investment and flip the control dynamics but no matter what I do I can't shake off the fear of letting this one slip away.

Thoughts appreciated.

Are you actually sleeping with her?

If so, I don't see what the issue is. She's trying to make you chase, just don't chase. Do things how you want to do them, if she doesn't play ball, put some pressure on her, escalate your frame. You'll know soon enough if she's going to submit to it.

I can see you're already way off balance, and have conceded a lot of your frame already, but that's not her fault, it's yours. If you can't put her in the right place in your mind, you will simply lose control and eventually she will be gone.

And @HoofHearted is right, if you have no prospects you have no power in the relationship. That's something you simply have to fix.

 

[outofplace]

Are you actually sleeping with her?

If so, I don't see what the issue is. She's trying to make you chase, just don't chase. Do things how you want to do them, if she doesn't play ball, put some pressure on her, escalate your frame. You'll know soon enough if she's going to submit to it.

I can see you're already way off balance, and have conceded a lot of your frame already, but that's not her fault, it's yours. If you can't put her in the right place in your mind, you will simply lose control and eventually she will be gone.

And @HoofHearted is right, if you have no prospects you have no power in the relationship. That's something you simply have to fix.

You are right and I perfectly understand the dynamics are completely out of whack. I don't even care if she's seeing other guys, I think it's perfectly ok until some commitment is made.

But what I can't shake off is the fear that someone that I really want gets into something committed during the weeks I need to reset our interactions. I can't shake the fear that one day I might wake up and she's off the market for years. It's like a mental road block that's in the way of things.

Anyway I've pretty much confirmed that she's shopping around but she's still referring to them as friends in front of me. I'll be away for a month and that's the perfect excuse for me to reset the interaction.