How do you punish flaking?

[Jan]

She wrote first to me on Tinder. She is 26 years and just moved to my city. On her Tinder profile, she says: 'no ons, no fwb'.

On Tinder we had a decent social conversation, similar interests, similar jobs, hometown stories, etc.

We set up a park stroll date and moved to Whatsapp. On whatsapp, she restarted the converstation and of course she asked the most common question: "What are you looking for here?". I told her her that I'm not looking to anything specific, and I'm not closed to any time of relationship. We talked about it a bit longer, and the conclusion is that I'm open to ons, fwb and LT relationship.

The day of the date came and the weather was awful so we had to change plans. Initially, I proposed going for drinks, and she asked if we can go for food instead. It was fine for me, so I proposed an Itailian restaurant I like. She said that she's been there before and she liked it there. I replied: "6pm?".

And then she sent me some weird message: "Did you sign up to this facebook group about turles?". The question was sent to a man, in my native language it was obvious.

I said: "?"

She didn't reply for quite a long time, and then she said:

"Can we reschedule?"

I didn't reply anything that day.

Next morning she texted me:

"Hey".

I didn't reply anything yet.

I'm thinking that she flaked on me because there was another guy who she wanted to meet instead. Maybe the other guy seemed like a better boyfriend material because he wasn't that ambigous on what he wants, or maybe it was a sexy guy and she prefered to have a high change to get laid that day. I don't know.

I'm not sure what I should do with her now.

I was thinking about telling her, "Since you've made your decision yesterday, the long term relationship is off the table." On the other hand, it seems like a risky move to me. And most likely it would result in nothing for anyone.

So, how should I punish her flaking so she keeps respect for me, but also in a way that it won't derail our way to bang bang avenues?

 

[topcat]

I was thinking about telling her, "Since you've made your decision yesterday, the long term relationship is off the table." On the other hand, it seems like a risky move to me. And most likely it would result in nothing for anyone.

First. Ask yourself why you think this would work? What do you hope to achieve by this?

Think, she’s never met you before. Has near zero investment in you beyond a couple texts.

“The long term relationship is off the table” ??

In her mind: “wtf is the wacko talking about..? phew glad i did flake on him yesterday, i knew something was off about him.. tinder boys, geez!”

You’re overreacting to nothing and digging a hole for yourself.

"Can we reschedule?"

I didn't reply anything that day.

Ignoring this actually worked. I suspect had you responded she may not have taken you seriously..

but then..

"Hey".

I didn't reply anything yet.

You should have responded to this with

“hey you”

as if nothing happened, with no intent but to see where her head is at.

Why because for some reason your non responsive behaviour seems to have piqued her interest, but you need to find out how far her interest goes before even considering rescheduling.

The day of the date came and the weather was awful so we had to change plans. Initially, I proposed going for drinks, and she asked if we can go for food instead. It was fine for me, so I proposed an Itailian restaurant I like. She said that she's been there before and she liked it there. I replied: "6pm?".

This wasn’t terrible tbh. It’s subtle, but what i like to do when a girl counter-proposes is yo out the onus on her to suggest it rather than going through a list of potential dates she can accept or deny at will. I also hate dinner dates, leaves me too bloated for sex after. Kills the vibe..

“can we go for food instead..?”

“um potentially, im not all that hungry though tbh. what do you have in mind?”

then you get to pick and choose a date that suits the two of you getting together.

And then she sent me some weird message: "Did you sign up to this facebook group about turles?". The question was sent to a man, in my native language it was obvious.

I said: "?"

Good response.

I'm thinking that she flaked on me because there was another guy who she wanted to meet instead. Maybe the other guy seemed like a better boyfriend material because he wasn't that ambigous on what he wants, or maybe it was a sexy guy and she prefered to have a high change to get laid that day. I don't know.

Bro you’re over thinking. One delayed text and a flaky date plans and now she’s run off with megachad stop it. Maybe she diarrhea bro..it could be anything. Never sweat it.

Best policy with flakes is “the less she invests the less you invest”

If she begins to invest, you ask for a little more investment to confirm her interest, then you get the ball rolling for the two of you to meet.

You should also already be onto the next prospects..

 

[Will_V]

@topcat pretty much said it all, you can never use a relationship as a bargaining chip while you're seducing her because it has zero value before she's completely invested in you. The only thing you can use to punish flakiness is attention, ramping it up and down, as if she's moving around on the spectrum of your priorities based on what she does.

 

[Skills]

The main problem other than what topcat said...is the inherit anxiety to competing with other men online.. this is going to happen and is normal she is going to talk to many guys, probably go on many dates and even sleep with some...this should not afect on how you follow your structure in the least... depending on tone if she said she want to reschedole in a honest apologic way, you say ok no worries and cont with banter,, till high investment, soft close then hard close... if you feel the reschedulong is bs or lack of interest a. "K" will do follow by radio silence or or radio silence, follow by ping days later and start all over banter, soft close hard close...

 

[DonGately]

I don't reply.

If they hit me up again and start by apologizing, then I'll respond.