How do you stay motivated for long-term goals?

[Darius]

Hello everyone,

Since I've had my breakup a while ago, I'm trying to improve myself, and turn myself into a better person. I've started working on my fundamentals, and I've started working on talking to more girls.

My question is this: how the hell do you keep motivated to do massive changes to your life when you're down in the dumps?

In particular this, I've been trying to get my life in check for a long time now, and it seems like some things I'm doing are just hurting myself, but I can't stop.

For instance, I know I'm supposed to eat healthy, and I got a meal plan done. I know I'm supposed to spend time handling fundamentals like fashion and style, teeth, hair, hit the gym, and talk to women to get better game. But I'm just not motivated enough to do that shit sometimes.

It's a very emotional thing. I want to eat donuts instead of healthy stuff, because donuts are good NOW, whereas healthy food is good 5-6 months from now, when I'll lose weight. I'd much rather waste time on reddit/9gag, because that feels good NOW, rather than hitting the gym which feels good after 2 hours of doing it.

And it's much easier to spend days swiping right on tinder than approach just a single girl. Because I know that journey will require months if not years of my time to the point where I'll get decent results.

The problem is that the future goals are so distant that I literally 'forget' the kind of life I could be living when I'm by myself. Until I meet a friend that has everything, and I think to myself "damn, I'm stupid. If I worked hard enough on myself I could have that too" and I snap out of it and get motivated. Or when I meet a girl that's really out of my league for now, and I'm reminded of what I could have if I spent the time in it.

I'll be honest here, sometimes I think to myself "what's the purpose of getting good at anything, when I can just lay around in bed all day and play video games and eat and look like shit, and it would bring me pleasure. Life's hard if you put yourself out there, this is easy and makes me happy"

So

* how did you get motivated to spend gargantuan amounts of effort on self improvement, when the "easy" life is always there tempting you?
* how did you stay focused on long-term goals instead of caving in to your reptilian brain and going for instant pleasure?

I apologise in advance if this sounds like a sob story, it's just me looking for solutions to a long-term problem.

Darius

 

[topcat]

Hey Darius,

this sounds to me like a framing issue...

On the one hand you have what you really should want long term (drastic self improvement)

On the other you have what you want right now (short term pleasures), that you recognize are bad for you/will lead to suffering long term

Right now you're framing what you should want negatively (hard work, pain)

and what you shouldn't want positively (pleasure, comfort)

I believe the solution lies not in beating yourself up over your short term desires/distractions nor in resigning yourself to them.

Instead I believe there is a key motivator within them (videogames, donuts) that is intrinsically linked to your innate reward system.

You want to hack your reward system and find things in your long term goals that constantly feed these reward systems.

Right now you frame self improvement as hard work and difficulty, which does the opposite and punishes you for doing what you should. It's no wonder you're unmotivated.

Figure out what it is that you find rewarding about video games for instance (is it say the pleasure of vanquishing enemies? or perhaps of solving difficult problems? perhaps the aesthetic beauty of navigating the game itself?)

List these motivations, and find these same archetypal rewards in the actions that lead to achieving your long term goals.

Chunk your goals into small easily digestible pieces (ie. fundamentals: buy a new pair of shoes; 10 pushups on monday) and link these to your reward system. If you're motivated by aesthetics for instance, link the improvement of your fundamentals to creating an interesting and beautiful wardrobe. If problem solving perhaps solving the problem of looking shabby. `And so on...

Does this make sense to you? If not let me know and I'll do my best at explaining via pm.

Also for identifying your intrinsic reward systems I'd suggest taking the big 5 personality test. The best one is the one provided by Jordan Peterson @ https://www.understandmyself.com/. Costs $20 but was a life changer for me at least.

My personality breaks down as follows (I'll extrapolate my intrinsic reward systems in parentheses):

High in openness (reward system oriented towards aesthetics, ideas and new experiences)

Moderately low Extraversion (not really motivated by socialization unless it triggers my other rewards systems)

Extremely low agreeableness (motivated by competition & self-interest; low empathy, not interested in compassion or politeness/caring)

Extremely low conscientiousness (not duty driven; driven towards leisure, fun, spontaneity)

Extremely low Neuroticism (emotionally stable; not particularly worried about security or protecting self from stressing situations)

Find out yours and extrapolate your reward system from it, then apply it to your goals. Should go a long way in igniting motivation in you.

BTW the Big 5 is the most empirical personality test available today. It's the one relied upon by researchers (in case you're worried about it being some woo woo astrology shit... no hate on astrology though )

Best.

 

[Starboy]

Hey @Darius . I'm glad you made this thread because i'm in the same boat too and i'd like to see what the other guys suggest. I can get demotivated and deincentivised very easily when it comes to learning game.

I have a strong desire for women,but I look at all the effort,the work,the time commitment it requires to turn myself into the man that can attract them consistently and I get feelings of "I don't feel like going out to approach" or "I don't want to do it I would rather stay home and lay in bed" .

Pickup is a transformational and not a transactional journey,but our brains don't know and don't care. They only want what feels safe and secure NOW. That's why you feel resistance to doing uncomfortable things like leaving your house to approach and would rather chill and play videogames. I can feel it for things like going to the gym to workout as well. I'm generally off from work in the weekends,but I will skip some days to workout or approach and not do much productive stuff in my house.

I've been told by a couple of coaches that I need to have fun when I approach or turn it into a game otherwise it's going to be very difficult for me and i'm going to avoid doing it. Also my vibe and energy will be off if I do approach girls.

I don't think there's a simple one size fits all solution. You have to take it one day at a time. Build a routine that you follow everyday and develop useful habits. Look for small wins. Any approach good or bad is a small win because you pushed through AA. A decent conversation with a attractive woman is a small win,but slightly bigger and will make you feel good about yourself. Try to generate social momentum. You will have a much easier time.

If you look at it through a lens of i'm not getting dates or getting laid compared to my peers or guys from the forum you're gonna get discouraged. Comparing yourself to others who are where you want to be or have specific advantages over you will make you feel like shit. So avoid comparisons as well. Easier said than done.

I don't think your post is whiny or attention seeking at all it's perfectly normal to want guidance/support that's what we have this forum for.

 

[ulrich]

A big part for me is realizing that there are bunches of effort that you can take upfront to accelerate your results (buying new clothes, clearing your acne, moving to a different place, etc…) and others that you need to do consistently (trying new techniques, going out several times a week, etc…).

I try to upfront as much work as I can and then build a habit for the rest.

This applies to many things: seduction, business, fitness, investment, learning to play an instrument, etc..

Upfront all you can when you’re motivated and then just focus on getting into the habit to build the numbers.
This game is won by the ones who play for the long time.

 

[PalmaSailor]

You need to build your long term goals out of short step achievable parts.

break it right down to almost weekly achievements.

then achieve one bit at a time.

at one stage I bought myself one tailor made shirt for every step of the way. I went to a high end store, bought the fabric, then visited a tailor and had them made to measure.

ive got 30 of them, they were £300 each, so it added up but I got to my end goal.

pits achievable steps and staged personal rewards

https://imgur.com/a/UEleAXE

 

[Lover]

Hi @Darius . The first post in my current journal is about just that: developing the patience to achieve your long term goals. It took me seven years of active self development and ten years of getting over that I quit high level martial arts to get an epiphany: that I have to stay patient and commit to my long term goals by doing small steps here and now. I had to fail - or rather, discover many inefficient ways - over and over again to get here. I think the thoughts written in my post will inspire you.

 

[Darius]

i hesitated for quite a bit to post a reply here, because I have a ton to say but,

thanks so much. I took all the advice, especially from @topcat's post, and it makes a ton of sense. reframing stuff to be positive and looking for what satisfies me in them is great. Also having fun like @Starboy suggested worked, I managed to get around myself a bit and actually start enjoying what I'm doing.

The common thread is this from what I gather: don't try to 'force' doing things, as I had been up to now. Rather, just 'reframe' them into positive thoughts and things that are fun and you enjoy doing. This is far from being a magic bullet of course, but for me, it allowed me to walk around the problem, rather than through it, so to speak.

I love video games for instance, because they allow me to 'zone' out and listen to my music or audiobooks and focus better. Pretty much like doodling when you have a phone call. Well, I started taking my headphones to the gym and listening there, and it's been great, I can still zone out, but now I'm doing something productive. This week I hit all my gym goals. And, I dropped below 90kgs for the first time in months, which was my goal.

Also small steps and patience like the others have said seem to be important. I can see how biting more than you can chew and failing might cause one to feel bad and discouraged, and I've been there before.

I still have a ton of things to fix about myself, and I started a 'programme' on myself to target what I see as weak and make it better. But I'm excited now, not fearful.

So thanks for that guys.

PS. that's a cracking shirt @PalmaSailor

 

[PalmaSailor]

i hesitated for quite a bit to post a reply here, because I have a ton to say but,

thanks so much. I took all the advice, especially from @topcat's post, and it makes a ton of sense. reframing stuff to be positive and looking for what satisfies me in them is great. Also having fun like @Starboy suggested worked, I managed to get around myself a bit and actually start enjoying what I'm doing.

The common thread is this from what I gather: don't try to 'force' doing things, as I had been up to now. Rather, just 'reframe' them into positive thoughts and things that are fun and you enjoy doing. This is far from being a magic bullet of course, but for me, it allowed me to walk around the problem, rather than through it, so to speak.

I love video games for instance, because they allow me to 'zone' out and listen to my music or audiobooks and focus better. Pretty much like doodling when you have a phone call. Well, I started taking my headphones to the gym and listening there, and it's been great, I can still zone out, but now I'm doing something productive. This week I hit all my gym goals. And, I dropped below 90kgs for the first time in months, which was my goal.

Also small steps and patience like the others have said seem to be important. I can see how biting more than you can chew and failing might cause one to feel bad and discouraged, and I've been there before.

I still have a ton of things to fix about myself, and I started a 'programme' on myself to target what I see as weak and make it better. But I'm excited now, not fearful.

So thanks for that guys.

PS. that's a cracking shirt @PalmaSailor

It is a cracking shirt, it’s a one off, and it was my present to myself for hitting a stage goal.

I had high value financial goals, but that doesn’t matter. If your goals are not financial or are more modest then it’s the symbolism that matters. You might buy yourself a pair of cufflinks, or even a pocket square, it doesn’t matter.

good luck!