How does one deal with these type of thoughts "I really wish could be with girl who looks like X"

[DocumentationTreasury]

How does one deal with these type of thoughts "I really wish could be with girl who looks like X or Y. How could I be good enough for a girl for a girl who looks like X or Y"?

Ex: Where X is some combination of physical features, height, prettiness, race, age, etc

I'm under the impression that this thought is not good mentally. Because if I fail to be with a girl with X or Y then it will mentally feel like a failure. But the opposite thought strategy of telling myslef "well I don't need X or Y, that is shallow" also feels a bit off because then it feels like then I am giving up on going after an experience I really want.

So I'm caught in this thought loop

"Man I wish I could be with a girl who looked like X or Y and I wish was good enough for them. I feel bad about not being good enough."

"But maybe X/Y would not make me happy and I should not think about this"

"But X and Y do look good and I need to make at least some attempt at this"

"But its not good to think of this, just gotta work on myself overall, swipe a certain way on the dating apps, and hope for the best"

"I feel bad for not being good enough for X and Y. I wish I could experience it and then even if it does not make me happy then at least it would put my mind to rest"

"well shit time to jerk off imagining X and Y, there is a good realistic chance I won't experience it anyway"

I'd really like to be free of feeling bad because of this and also be free of the time spent on this thought but I notice these thoughts enter my mind maybe a few times a week at random times. It is sort of one things to know that these thoughts are not good but it is sort of another thing of what counter thoughts to use when those thoughts come up. And I do pretty much believe that the last thought in quotes is most likely factually correct, but not 100% guaranteed

What are the most useful counter thoughts to think of when these thoughts come up? So far I have tried "I don't need X and Y" and "X and Y probably won't make me happy anyway" and "there is a good chance I'll never experience X and Y anyway so gotta take it out of my mind" but this does not seem to have helped

 

[Rakehell]

Get with girl X or Y. There isn’t any real thought that you can think that will make you think you are deserving of someone.

You already feel like you can’t deep down.

So my remedy is try at these girls until you get one (you eventually will). Then you’ll see that they aren’t all that you romanticized. Or maybe they will be but then now you’ll know that it was actually possible the whole time lol.

You cant reverse engineer your brain with thoughts without introducing yourself to the problem too.

Psychologists call this exposure therapy.

 

[Zoro]

Meditation. Learn to be unaffected by those thoughts.

Then ground yourself. I wish I had a better explanation for this, but I've noticed that when I'm "in my head" the thoughts I could have might look like this "I want to talk to that person. But what should I say? I shouldn't right now because XYZ. I'm XYZ type of person so that means I can't. and so on.

When I'm grounded, instead I don't really have thoughts, more like impulses. It's like I can feel a rhythm to life, and whether or not I talk to someone is not then followed up by a conclusion about myself or the situation, but just not part of the song right now. That being said, when I'm in this state, there is way less pressure to do anything, so I typically WILL do something, and that action will be much more relaxed and calibrated. In tune with the other person, if you will.

If you have all these conclusions about yourself and these women, then you are stuck in the former state, and should learn how to balance it with the latter. The way I found myself there has been through meditation and jungian psychology. In Jungian psycology the king is the element of earth, and when I connect with that part of my psyche I enter that grounded state.

Enjoy that whopping dose of woo-woo.

Here's another take. Those thoughts are full of shit. Let me tell you this, I've had similar thoughts. I used to think, "man I'm really attracted to blondes, I really hope I date one eventually." Then I take a step back and realized I almost exclusively date blondes. That shallow/hamster wheel type thinking can be really disconnected from reality. Being grounded is another way to say being connected with reality and the moment, and overthinking is very much disconnected.

ACTION can only be experienced within the current moment of reality. And the current moment of reality is what matters. Dismiss those thoughts originating from overthinking and baseless conclusions, and instead value experience and experimentation. Stop thinking so much, and balance that with FEELING and ACTION.

 

[ferrero]

Sorry you're feeling this way man. I like @SunKing's thoughts on this. Here's a great post that I think might help - it's not quite about "not thinking about X and Y girls", but rather more aligned with what sunking said. Spend a lot of time around these girls to a point where you know them like the back of your hand, and you'll probably find that they're not like you built them up to be in your head - even better, you'll reach a point where you can get 'em.

The Guide to Getting Hot Girls (of Any Type)

In light of the bombshells / other posts: 1. Get your fundamentals tightened down HARD. The prettier a girl is, the more men are competing for her, and the better an option you MUST be. Specifically, you must tailor yourself to be the kind of man that SHE goes for, focusing on the qualities...

www.skilledseducer.com

 

[happynanako]

This is so true, remember the post I wrote a year ago? I met someone who looked like her but better, seems like we both have different characters. She's not into me but into another guy who isn't into her.
Because I join her social circle, I met another person whom I am progressing on.

I think the main thing is to go with the flow because you would never know who you would meet along the way. Don't be restricted to just the appearance but also the character.

 

[ulrich]

I’d try to shift from “I need X type of girl” to “I prefer X type of girl”.

This puts you in a position where you can appreciate other type of girls, you just happen to be slightly partial but not that much affected.

The thought is not so radical that your mind will fight it too hard.

 

[Will_V]

How does one deal with these type of thoughts "I really wish could be with girl who looks like X or Y. How could I be good enough for a girl for a girl who looks like X or Y"?

Ex: Where X is some combination of physical features, height, prettiness, race, age, etc

I'm under the impression that this thought is not good mentally. Because if I fail to be with a girl with X or Y then it will mentally feel like a failure. But the opposite thought strategy of telling myslef "well I don't need X or Y, that is shallow" also feels a bit off because then it feels like then I am giving up on going after an experience I really want.

So I'm caught in this thought loop

"Man I wish I could be with a girl who looked like X or Y and I wish was good enough for them. I feel bad about not being good enough."

"But maybe X/Y would not make me happy and I should not think about this"

"But X and Y do look good and I need to make at least some attempt at this"

"But its not good to think of this, just gotta work on myself overall, swipe a certain way on the dating apps, and hope for the best"

"I feel bad for not being good enough for X and Y. I wish I could experience it and then even if it does not make me happy then at least it would put my mind to rest"

"well shit time to jerk off imagining X and Y, there is a good realistic chance I won't experience it anyway"

I'd really like to be free of feeling bad because of this and also be free of the time spent on this thought but I notice these thoughts enter my mind maybe a few times a week at random times. It is sort of one things to know that these thoughts are not good but it is sort of another thing of what counter thoughts to use when those thoughts come up. And I do pretty much believe that the last thought in quotes is most likely factually correct, but not 100% guaranteed

What are the most useful counter thoughts to think of when these thoughts come up? So far I have tried "I don't need X and Y" and "X and Y probably won't make me happy anyway" and "there is a good chance I'll never experience X and Y anyway so gotta take it out of my mind" but this does not seem to have helped

Why not spend some time going after these girls then? When focus includes action it's hard for things to become unhealthy.

Having aesthetic preference is a good thing, as long as it doesn't involve blockading yourself from exploring other things as well.

 

[ElderPrice]

This is a good question.

Here's a simple answer to this that I like, that you kinda almost figured out yourself:

Fear/anxiety/negative emotions can't be reasoned away. At least when you try, they fight back. So look at it this way: what do fear/anxiety/negative emotions cause you to do? They cause you to not take action.

But you know in order to achieve your goals you have to take action. You know if you walk up to girls with X and Y and say "Hi my name is DT," at some point one is going to say hi back.

So the next time you have fear/anxiety/negative thoughts, don't argue with them. Just say okay and take action anyway. That's all you have to do.

 

[Toby2030]

At first it will probably be a huge goal to be able to pull this exact type of women you have always dreamed about. You'll feel a rush through your body - the anticipation of the great sex being fulfilled, the self-esteem boost going through your veins and the goal being reached. When you start pulling these girls reguarly, the anticipation before a lay, the self-esteem boost and the happiness of reaching this goal will diminish by A LOT. You'll realize that these girls are just ordinary girls with cool aestethics and most girls are on many levels pretty much the same.

This is the mindset you need in your head. It's just a girl and they are more or less equal no matter how they look and behave.

 

[West_Indian_Archie]

What are the most useful counter thoughts to think of when these thoughts come up? So far I have tried "I don't need X and Y" and "X and Y probably won't make me happy anyway" and "there is a good chance I'll never experience X and Y anyway so gotta take it out of my mind" but this does not seem to have helped

It doesn't really go away, even when you date the girl.

So let's say you have a bucket list

• Spicy Latina like Salma Hayek
• Cybernetic ass like those ATL strippers
• Mercenary Eastern European Chick- model face, Mercedes taste, would rather be with a Sheikh or Oligarch
• Asian girl like you see in Anime
• Indian Princess that's totally into her image and her phone, and thinks her life is gonna be like a Disney movie
• Blonde Sorority Girl

You will use your skills and experience to meet, bed, and date those girls - and they will NEVER live up to the idea you have in your mind. NEVER.

They might be wonderful women in their own right, as a result of their unique history and personality - but she will never be the woman in your brain that you dreamed of. She might be better than your dream, in all actuality, but she will never be the dream.

Doesn't matter how many you date, how often you change up your criteria - the mental image never matches the reality. (The movie never lives up to the book!)

This is usually a girl problem, in that they can date the Athlete, the DJ, the Rich Guy, the Muscle head, the Thug - but the actual experience never matches the reality.

You have to accept that these things don't match up, and accept the fact that you will keep wanting this fantasy regardless of actually achieving it.

WIA