How much should one control his girlfriend?

[Darius]

Hello everyone,

I was going through my past relationship and seeing where I could have done things better, and I found this point to be incredibly difficult to solve.

How much should one control his girlfriend, in a monogamous relationship?

By that I mean, what would you allow her to do, and what would you not. I think this is an age-old dilemma.

Here are a few examples. Would you be ok if she -
- hangs out 1 on 1 with a guy (not at his place)?
- hangs out 1 on 1 with your best friend (not at his place)?
- hangs out with a guy at his place?
- hangs out with your best friend at his place?
- goes to a group outing (e.g. an evening on the beach) without you?
- goes to a party without you? (party being, drinking and after 11 at night)

My previous rules were:
- no hanging out with guys 1 on 1, even if I know them and they're close friends to me. So no coffees out with guys, no sports with guys, pretty much anything that's 1 on 1 is out. Group activities are ok
- no parties without me, where a party is drinking after 11. With me it's fine.

My problems were that she felt constricted by these rules. She wanted to do activities with guys and would tell me that she had plans to go out with guy friends (so, for instance, she wanted to go running with a guy, and go bike riding with another, etc.). Especially because she knew a lot of guys through her hobbies. I honestly felt like I was constricting her too and wanted to relax the rules on it, but I couldn't find a medium where she was happy and I was happy too.

I had rock solid frame on it, and she accepted the rules for as long as we were together. But she did give me a lot of headaches because of them whenever things got rough between us.

Right now I'm struggling to find a new set of rules, for my next relationship, and calibrate between being a tyrant who wants a puppet not a girlfriend and a clueless guy that lets his girlfriend get into situations where she might cheat.

Any input is appreciated. Thanks!

Darius

 

[Vision]

Hello everyone,

I was going through my past relationship and seeing where I could have done things better, and I found this point to be incredibly difficult to solve.

How much should one control his girlfriend, in a monogamous relationship?

By that I mean, what would you allow her to do, and what would you not. I think this is an age-old dilemma.

Here are a few examples. Would you be ok if she -
- hangs out 1 on 1 with a guy (not at his place)?
- hangs out 1 on 1 with your best friend (not at his place)?
- hangs out with a guy at his place?
- hangs out with your best friend at his place?
- goes to a group outing (e.g. an evening on the beach) without you?
- goes to a party without you? (party being, drinking and after 11 at night)

My previous rules were:
- no hanging out with guys 1 on 1, even if I know them and they're close friends to me. So no coffees out with guys, no sports with guys, pretty much anything that's 1 on 1 is out. Group activities are ok
- no parties without me, where a party is drinking after 11. With me it's fine.

My problems were that she felt constricted by these rules. She wanted to do activities with guys and would tell me that she had plans to go out with guy friends (so, for instance, she wanted to go running with a guy, and go bike riding with another, etc.). Especially because she knew a lot of guys through her hobbies. I honestly felt like I was constricting her too and wanted to relax the rules on it, but I couldn't find a medium where she was happy and I was happy too.

I had rock solid frame on it, and she accepted the rules for as long as we were together. But she did give me a lot of headaches because of them whenever things got rough between us.

Right now I'm struggling to find a new set of rules, for my next relationship, and calibrate between being a tyrant who wants a puppet not a girlfriend and a clueless guy that lets his girlfriend get into situations where she might cheat.

Any input is appreciated. Thanks!

Darius

Thanks for bringing up this topic!

I don't try to control my girlfriends with rules at all. I've found that to be the most effective.

Creating rules that stop her from doing what she wants to do will give HER power because now she...

1. Knows that you're insecure of your strength and power as an attractive man

2. She's likely to hide these things from you if she does do them because she knows what you're worried about

3. She now gets to play a "double standard" card on you if you decide you want to do the same shit you don't want her doing

Instead, I like to see what my girl does so that I know what her values are, I like her to feel like she can tell me anything, and I want her to stay loyal to me because she wouldn't ever want to do anything to compromise our relationship.

You learn a lot about your relationship to people when you let them do whatever they want to do.

You're not going to stop her anyway. If she wants to do something, she's going to do it.

And if she likes to get drunk and go to parties with dudes, I'd like to know that so I know not to take her seriously as a partner.

If you don't trust your friends, you shouldn't have them as friends. If she's not a loyal person, you shouldn't have her as a gf.

If she has such bad judgment that she's willing to get drunk and hang out with the wrong people, with a guy 1 on 1, etc. I want to know that I'm dating a retard so that I don't get overly attached, invested, or thinking it's turning into something it's not.

And then she doesn't feel like she's being suffocated and feels like she needs to get out... instead, she wonders why I'm so different from all the guys trying to control her and she's more loyal, more interested in something real, and more submissive to me.

 

[topcat]

Thanks for bringing up this topic!

I don't try to control my girlfriends with rules at all. I've found that to be the most effective.

Creating rules that stop her from doing what she wants to do will give HER power because now she...

1. Knows that you're insecure of your strength and power as an attractive man

2. She's likely to hide these things from you if she does do them because she knows what you're worried about

3. She now gets to play a "double standard" card on you if you decide you want to do the same shit you don't want her doing

Instead, I like to see what my girl does so that I know what her values are, I like her to feel like she can tell me anything, and I want her to stay loyal to me because she wouldn't ever want to do anything to compromise our relationship.

You learn a lot about your relationship to people when you let them do whatever they want to do.

You're not going to stop her anyway. If she wants to do something, she's going to do it.

And if she likes to get drunk and go to parties with dudes, I'd like to know that so I know not to take her seriously as a partner.

If you don't trust your friends, you shouldn't have them as friends. If she's not a loyal person, you shouldn't have her as a gf.

If she has such bad judgment that she's willing to get drunk and hang out with the wrong people, with a guy 1 on 1, etc. I want to know that I'm dating a retard so that I don't get overly attached, invested, or thinking it's turning into something it's not.

And then she doesn't feel like she's being suffocated and feels like she needs to get out... instead, she wonders why I'm so different from all the guys trying to control her and she's more loyal, more interested in something real, and more submissive to me.

God bless this forum. Solid gold right here.

 

[Darius]

Thanks for bringing up this topic!

I don't try to control my girlfriends with rules at all. I've found that to be the most effective.

Creating rules that stop her from doing what she wants to do will give HER power because now she...

1. Knows that you're insecure of your strength and power as an attractive man

2. She's likely to hide these things from you if she does do them because she knows what you're worried about

3. She now gets to play a "double standard" card on you if you decide you want to do the same shit you don't want her doing

Instead, I like to see what my girl does so that I know what her values are, I like her to feel like she can tell me anything, and I want her to stay loyal to me because she wouldn't ever want to do anything to compromise our relationship.

You learn a lot about your relationship to people when you let them do whatever they want to do.

You're not going to stop her anyway. If she wants to do something, she's going to do it.

And if she likes to get drunk and go to parties with dudes, I'd like to know that so I know not to take her seriously as a partner.

If you don't trust your friends, you shouldn't have them as friends. If she's not a loyal person, you shouldn't have her as a gf.

If she has such bad judgment that she's willing to get drunk and hang out with the wrong people, with a guy 1 on 1, etc. I want to know that I'm dating a retard so that I don't get overly attached, invested, or thinking it's turning into something it's not.

And then she doesn't feel like she's being suffocated and feels like she needs to get out... instead, she wonders why I'm so different from all the guys trying to control her and she's more loyal, more interested in something real, and more submissive to me.

wow, this is a revelation.

i'll definitely try this one out, thanks so much for it.