How to be more social?

[Ken]

Hello, I haven’t been making as many posts as I have been in the past because I dropped out of the game. As it turns out, I wasn’t good enough socially to seduce. Doing day game on my campus was a mistake. I got into trouble that I shouldn’t have.

I was diagnosed with Autism at thirteen months old. It affects my ability to socialize, and I am still not good at being social. For years, I wonder how people I went to school with hangout with each other outside of school while I stayed at home all the time. It happened in elementary school, middle school, high school, and now in college. I have gotten a little bit better at it, but not good enough to seduce.

I have below average social skills, I am awkward around women, and I don’t have anybody that I hang out with outside of school. I usually just hang out by myself.

So: how do I become more social? How do I get good at socializing with people? How do I talk to girls without the whole “sex” thing?

 

[Conquistador]

Doing day game on my campus was a mistake.

Were you going direct?

Also worth mentioning, the more attractive you are, the more forgiving girls will be. People in general, actually.

For years, I wonder how people I went to school with hangout with each other outside of school while I stayed at home all the time.

Do you understand the mechanical explanation?

I have below average social skills, I am awkward around women, and I don’t have anybody that I hang out with outside of school. I usually just hang out by myself.

I think a lot of guys today have this general issue, although most don’t have it as badly as you say you do.
They say the autistic brain is an “extreme male” in certain ways soooo…

So: how do I become more social? How do I get good at socializing with people?

In a nutshell: practice, practice, practice. Start with small interactions with strangers.

Also, spend as little time as possible on screens. This is one of the most underestimated issues, not just for people on the spectrum, but for several other “labels” and arguably, for all humans (“normal” brains are often somewhat more tolerant toward being abused).

Also, the same advice that’s given for social anxiety, OCD, panic disorder, and a bunch of other conditions: try using your logical brain to work through the anxieties you’re having in the moment.

How do I talk to girls without the whole “sex” thing?

Can you expand on what you mean by that? I think most guys and many girls go through a phase of awkward opposite-gender interactions, most often in high school.
Growing up in a sheltered, highly religious environment, I didn’t fully get through that phase until my gap year And I still had a hazy understanding of the intricacies of the female mind (let’s just say ladies from my community think and act a bit differently, as in blunted subconscious affect toward men) until the last couple of months.

If you mean that you feel one-sided “sexual tension” in your interactions, try to gradually internalize that women are people too, and most of the time (especially in 2023) they’re not inherently sexual creatures any more (or less) than you are. When seducers talk about women being more sexual than men, this is true in certain ways, but many women (and the majority of young ones) haven’t really unlocked their potential, and those who have usually won’t show it in their everyday interactions.

Some ideas for dealing with this:
-Talk to girls you have zero interest in.
-Talk candidly to older women whom you’re not particularly interested in. They get it.
-Talk to older dudes. Learn from their knowledge of the world.

 

[Lover]

how do I become more social? How do I get good at socializing with people?

Find a hobby you can join, preferably one with physical activity. Such as gym class, trekking, martial arts class, dance class etc. Doesn't really matter, but make it a priority that both guys and girls are there. In these environments, a lot of basic and innocent (= socially acceptable) conversation will occur

Observe how other people interact and learn from it. Figure out how people provide value to each other - and how they DON'T provide value to each other. Talk to people yourself. And like with seduction, set small goals when you are out (see links below for inspiration)

The biggest issue for the social newbie?

He doesn't know how to provide the kind of value others appreciate in any particular moment

Ever tried to talk to a girl about the nitty-gritty of a certain topic when you are at a party, only for her to look for her friends a minute later? It's because she is not at a lecture where she would actually like this information. Or she doesn't see you as someone she wants a lecture from at that moment

It kills the mood...

Right there at that party, she wants some light and fun conversation to lift her mood. She doesn't care one bit about her regular days

I decided myself years ago to also improve socially and not just in seduction. I was still feeling lonely despite sleeping with new chicks. I was inspired by this article in particular to start my journey of social improvement:

Archive: Ultimate Social Calibration: Stop Climbing the Social Ladder

I just read a fascinating article today that brings scientific research to bear on the topic of an old post I made that went on to be featured on some popular dating and seduction websites. The content still resonates and is still relevant today, and so I've reposted again here for you to see...

www.girlschase.com

And I was inspired somewhat by these two articles

Faux Pas of the Sociaux Nouveaux

Social calibration is one of the toughest things to learn, because it’s one of those things where if you haven’t yet become aware of a certain aspect of socializing, you may be completely oblivious to mistakes you’re making or people you’re offending or alienating. I want to take a look today at...

www.girlschase.com

Guy Talk: Here's How to Kick Butt at Talking to Other Men

A friend of mine just asked me a question about guy talk; in other words, what he said was: “Chase, I've been learning to talk to girls for the better part of 2 years, and I think I've got a lot of it down at this point... but my question is, how do I talk to guys?” We'd been discussing a few of...

www.girlschase.com

All these articles, if you really dig into them and hold yourself up to the standards and methods in them, eventually (for me, that is 4-5 years into journey) help you screening which people YOU want to hang out with. Because you will become the socially calibrated guy who knows what kind of people he wants in his life and knows how he gets what he wants from other people.

Disclaimer: I have not been diagnosed with autism or similar myself, but I struggled a lot socially since elementary school. I can see lots of social gains after applying the stuff above but I still have ways to go. I don't know how well the advice works for someone with autism or similar, so bear that in mind

 

[James D]

Hey @Ken ,

For years, I wonder how people I went to school with hangout with each other outside of school while I stayed at home all the time. It happened in elementary school, middle school, high school

I certainly can relate to that, man.

The simple answer to your question on how to be more social is to talk to a lot of people.

But more than just talking to people, there's something in particular you should absolutely zone in on:

Transmitting good vibes.

How to practice that?

Well, that's where it gets a little tricky...

See, there's no magic pill here., no shortcuts.

It's gonna take work...

Lots of it.

However...

If you put in the effort and grind it out...

You WILL see results.

Now, onto the prescription:

Every interaction you have, be it with a friend, sibbling, cashier or your landlord, you must try to gauge what kind of energy you transmitted to that person.

Did that person feel good interacting with you?

Did they feel nothing? (neutral)

Did they feel bad from their interaction with you?

That's the first step.

Once you start getting a feel of what kind of energy you're telegraphing, the next step is to analyse what in your behaviour caused that energy transfer.

For instance, say you gauged that a person did not enjoy an interaction with you.

You will analyse in detail (and sometimes obsessive detail) what might have caused that reaction...

You'll run everything under the microscope:

--> Your voice tone
--> Your eye contact
--> Your facial expressions
--> Your choice of topics

And obsess even more...

Replay the interaction in your mind and seek to indentify the PRECISE moment the vibe of the interaction began to shift...

As you do that, you'll see things pop up which you had not noticed before...

And provided you keep getting your numbers in by talking to lots of people, as you analyse more and more, patterns might start emerging as to what you're doing to tranfer certain vibes.

From there, you can self correct.

That's the prescription.

Do that and people will love having you around. Socializing will become natural.

People will seek out your energy and you'll be more than happy to spread your good vibes.

 

[ElderPrice]

My best, simplest advice:

1) Just do it.
Someone in your position is probably overthinking things, like the 'best way' to start socializing. Just metaphorically hold your nose, jump off the deep end, and talk to someone. Even if it's an employee at a store. What you'll find is that once you "jump in" and start talking to one or two people, you'll feel way more warmed up and it'll feel way easier to socialize. So yes, simply, you be more social by socializing.

2) Don't hide anything about you.
Many in your position have social anxiety because they fear revealing certain things about themselves.
Examples:
'I hope I don't come across weird because of [whatever reason]...'
'I hope we don't talk about sex because that will reveal my inexperience...'
'I hope she doesn't mind that I'm new to socializing...'

This mindset will always give you something to worry about and to feel anxious about. Plus, even if you're perfect, many girls will 'reject' you anyway.

Take ownership of your situation, don't fear it or hide it, and it'll reward you by letting you feel more peaceful and confident.

3) Socializing is a skill, so it takes practice.
You can't read your way to being a good socializer. Just go out there and practice. Really you should be good as long as you follow one rule: When someone shows they don't want to talk to you anymore, wish them a good rest of their day and let them go.

Then just learn as you go, as best as you can, and you'll get better in no time.

 

[Ken]

Were you going direct?

Also worth mentioning, the more attractive you are, the more forgiving girls will be. People in general, actually.

Do you understand the mechanical explanation?

I think a lot of guys today have this general issue, although most don’t have it as badly as you say you do.
They say the autistic brain is an “extreme male” in certain ways soooo…

In a nutshell: practice, practice, practice. Start with small interactions with strangers.

Also, spend as little time as possible on screens. This is one of the most underestimated issues, not just for people on the spectrum, but for several other “labels” and arguably, for all humans (“normal” brains are often somewhat more tolerant toward being abused).

Also, the same advice that’s given for social anxiety, OCD, panic disorder, and a bunch of other conditions: try using your logical brain to work through the anxieties you’re having in the moment.

Can you expand on what you mean by that? I think most guys and many girls go through a phase of awkward opposite-gender interactions, most often in high school.
Growing up in a sheltered, highly religious environment, I didn’t fully get through that phase until my gap year And I still had a hazy understanding of the intricacies of the female mind (let’s just say ladies from my community think and act a bit differently, as in blunted subconscious affect toward men) until the last couple of months.

If you mean that you feel one-sided “sexual tension” in your interactions, try to gradually internalize that women are people too, and most of the time (especially in 2023) they’re not inherently sexual creatures any more (or less) than you are. When seducers talk about women being more sexual than men, this is true in certain ways, but many women (and the majority of young ones) haven’t really unlocked their potential, and those who have usually won’t show it in their everyday interactions.

Some ideas for dealing with this:
-Talk to girls you have zero interest in.
-Talk candidly to older women whom you’re not particularly interested in. They get it.
-Talk to older dudes. Learn from their knowledge of the world.

Yes I was going direct.

What is the mechanical explanation?

What I meant by that was talking about sex. ElderPrice brought it up in his response about how talking about sex will reveal my inexperience.

 

[Conquistador]

Yes I was going direct.

Do you understand now why that was a bad idea?

What is the mechanical explanation?

Mechanically speaking, people build rapport, exchange contacts, chat, and invite each other to do stuff.

What I meant by that was talking about sex. ElderPrice brought it up in his response about how talking about sex will reveal my inexperience.

Oh I see.

Hmmm well first of all…don’t try to copy Teevster.

It’s all about subcommunication. Not just what your words imply, but what your actions and habits imply.

There’s no simple answer. A lot of it is what you don’t do and say. Most AFCs do something that makes it clear that they’re not only inexperienced, but clueless.

Luckily, up to a point, you can become pretty confident without running into chicken-and-egg problems. Yeah, of course there’s a massive catch:

BUT — there MUST be something else giving you that confidence with women. Usually a combination of things most guys don’t have such as hard frames, fairly attractive default behavior, ability to handle stress, and often sexual self-cultivation. And obviously, you need to get plenty of practice interacting, especially learning how women tend to respond to different amounts of different things.

Inexperience is not a big deal in and of itself. What you believe, will be. However, you MUST ditch AFC behaviors. If that means making them and learning from your mistakes, so be it.

 

[Ken]

Do you understand now why that was a bad idea?

Mechanically speaking, people build rapport, exchange contacts, chat, and invite each other to do stuff.

Oh I see.

Hmmm well first of all…don’t try to copy Teevster.

It’s all about subcommunication. Not just what your words imply, but what your actions and habits imply.

There’s no simple answer. A lot of it is what you don’t do and say. Most AFCs do something that makes it clear that they’re not only inexperienced, but clueless.

Luckily, up to a point, you can become pretty confident without running into chicken-and-egg problems. Yeah, of course there’s a massive catch:

BUT — there MUST be something else giving you that confidence with women. Usually a combination of things most guys don’t have such as hard frames, fairly attractive default behavior, ability to handle stress, and often sexual self-cultivation. And obviously, you need to get plenty of practice interacting, especially learning how women tend to respond to different amounts of different things.

Inexperience is not a big deal in and of itself. What you believe, will be. However, you MUST ditch AFC behaviors. If that means making them and learning from your mistakes, so be it.

Yes. I was getting into trouble that I shouldn't have. Also I wasn't experienced enough to do seduction.

Yes I understand the mechanical explanation now.

 

[Chase]

Have you looked into social skills training for young adults with autism, @Ken?

This UCLA program called PEERS sounds promising:

They have a bunch of training centers throughout the US and worldwide:

Resources | Semel Institute for Neuroscience and Human Behavior

www.semel.ucla.edu

They have research finding this program long-term effective:

Social skills classes produce lasting benefits for adults with autism | Autism Speaks

A social skills program for young adults with autism provides lasting benefits, including steady growth in social connections, according to a new study.

www.autismspeaks.org

Searching on YouTube finds a bunch of training videos from them as well.

These seem like the experts as far as teaching social skills in a way that folks with autism are able to grasp and use.

Chase

 

[Glow]

Hello, I haven’t been making as many posts as I have been in the past because I dropped out of the game. As it turns out, I wasn’t good enough socially to seduce. Doing day game on my campus was a mistake. I got into trouble that I shouldn’t have.

I was diagnosed with Autism at thirteen months old. It affects my ability to socialize, and I am still not good at being social. For years, I wonder how people I went to school with hangout with each other outside of school while I stayed at home all the time. It happened in elementary school, middle school, high school, and now in college. I have gotten a little bit better at it, but not good enough to seduce.

I have below average social skills, I am awkward around women, and I don’t have anybody that I hang out with outside of school. I usually just hang out by myself.

So: how do I become more social? How do I get good at socializing with people? How do I talk to girls without the whole “sex” thing?

its a tough one to change i imagine from your current experience. Kudos for initiating it.

We started a small group long time ago which focussed on this.

our approach
- select one or two key behaviours that are socially good - eg doing 1on1 elicitations and mirroring is a powerful social tool. If you also take notes afterwards on what people say and then follow up w them when you meet again it will build deeper connections - people love to be seen and it builds substance in the relation. Show you care. just one example of a practice that is mastery level - simple but potent for relationship building with friends. Also just focus on the ones where it happens vs any bad responses. try to go for those people you actually like to be around.
- do them for a week
- meet and reflect
- do them again
- meet and reflect
- add new social behaviors while maintaining the first
- meet and reflect

if you want a system for it you can eg pick david goggins way - you cant hurt me. Hes a lil extreme but he also grabs the problems he has with himself in a straight forw fashion with accountability mirrors and AAR style reflections. But the audiobook will give u all u need. tight approach. No bs.

i really think this is smart as you will in a focussed way get new feedback loops that can give you social success. Just beware that youre brain want easily adopt these as its wired for control. So force your mind a little.

There are books on people with your particular struggle and how they did it - exercises etc if my suggestions are a lil too troublesome for you. But i would choose the ones i selected over most other blah as i have handpicked it from being socially excellent and doing this for many years (actual "strategic" social circle gaming which is a seducer style (not this blah on scoial circles noobs in here speak about - ive build particular social circles to supply me with girls)).

 

[MatrixMan]

Thanks for very good thread ))