How to deal with stupid people?

[Garrett]

Hey guys, Garrett here.

I'll quickly sum up my situation, perhaps you can relate. I live at home and I don't get along well with my family. They all spend time together while I spend most of my time out or in my room. We all eat dinner together, but I try to avoid them as much as possible. Reason being? They're ignorant, go around insulting each other all the time (rude/personal things) and even if it's joking, they take it too far. Not only that, but my dad is all about money, and my mom basically does whatever he says. I'm interested in psychology, they support my sisters more because they trying to become doctors. It's frustrating. For example, since finding this site, I've been trying to improve my walk. My sister keeps commenting on it, even in front of people and everyone just stares at me and it's a lot of social tension. She does this all the time, and because of my family I've told myself that when I have a family and children, that I'll be very mindful of what I say and I won't ever personally insult them and bring them down. My sister's harassment has even lead me to become socially anxious around people because her and my father insult me all the time. These people are not improvement oriented and despite us being well off, money doesn't buy happiness. Sure it helps, but balance is key. Your character and who you are is more important.

Anyways if you guys can relate to this, how do you deal with people like that? Chase says flash them the sexy smile and make them feel stupid. I'm so tempted to tell them to shut the hell up, and to tell my sister she's fat because I know weight bothers her. I'm not that type of person, and don't want to bring myself to that level. There's no way I can talk to my family about this, they're too ignorant to understand, and they will not take responsibility for their actions. They'll turn it around and blame it on me. I've tried to always look at my faults first before blaming anyone else because of this. So technically, this whole experience has helped me become a better person, but I've taken a lot of crap from them. Whenever I go out I feel more comfortable because I'm accepted for who I am. I get some jealous people and some people who hate me for that, but that's fine, I just avoid them. My family though, I LIVE with them. I'm 19, and I know other people probably have worse situations, it's quite uncomfortable and I want to get out of here as soon as possible.

If you guys can relate to this, please comment below. It helps when you know others have experienced something similar and can relate. I feel isolated/trapped here. My hope is that things are brighter once I move out. I can go on residence next year for University. My home life is good though other than that, it's just really annoying so I avoid the pessimistic atmosphere as much as possible.

Cheers,
Garrett

 

[Ross]

Alright bud, we need to reel back the emotions a little bit. I don't get along much with my family at times either, but your kind of stuck with your family until you move out.

It doesn't really stop, the judgments and what not. You judge yourself and they judge you, and it feels like crap. They don't understand you and what you are trying to do, and that's okay. You know that you want this, and it's no use harboring feelings of contempt for them. Just understand that some people just can't relate to things and instead of talking about it, they'll say things that seem harmful.

When I was younger, my family always used to comment how I was always playing computer games and that I needed to work out. They don't play computer games and they worked out, so they couldn't believe that I was doing something else. It comes from a lack of understanding. They don't know why you do these things that are different from them. It happens a lot with friends, too.

A way to deal with this is to relate to them as much as possible. If you explain that you're in your room busy working on figuring out your life, and that they were probably doing the same thing at your age, they'd be able to understand it better. Get them on your side as opposed to against you. I know it sucks that you have to put in the effort to do this, but it'll bring a lot less pessimism around you.

Instead of putting your sisters down, build them up for being doctors when they aren't rubbing it in your face. When they comment on how psychology is not a useful field, don't get all defensive or emotional. Simply ask them why they think psychology is a bad field of study. You can talk to them about why they want to be doctors, and you can talk about why you want to be a psychologist. If you are understanding of their beliefs, they'll be more likely to understand yours. Seek to be allies rather than enemies, even if it feels like they want to be enemies all the time.

 

[Garrett]

Alright bud, we need to reel back the emotions a little bit. I don't get along much with my family at times either, but your kind of stuck with your family until you move out.

It doesn't really stop, the judgments and what not. You judge yourself and they judge you, and it feels like crap. They don't understand you and what you are trying to do, and that's okay. You know that you want this, and it's no use harboring feelings of contempt for them. Just understand that some people just can't relate to things and instead of talking about it, they'll say things that seem harmful.

When I was younger, my family always used to comment how I was always playing computer games and that I needed to work out. They don't play computer games and they worked out, so they couldn't believe that I was doing something else. It comes from a lack of understanding. They don't know why you do these things that are different from them. It happens a lot with friends, too.

A way to deal with this is to relate to them as much as possible. If you explain that you're in your room busy working on figuring out your life, and that they were probably doing the same thing at your age, they'd be able to understand it better. Get them on your side as opposed to against you. I know it sucks that you have to put in the effort to do this, but it'll bring a lot less pessimism around you.

Instead of putting your sisters down, build them up for being doctors when they aren't rubbing it in your face. When they comment on how psychology is not a useful field, don't get all defensive or emotional. Simply ask them why they think psychology is a bad field of study. You can talk to them about why they want to be doctors, and you can talk about why you want to be a psychologist. If you are understanding of their beliefs, they'll be more likely to understand yours. Seek to be allies rather than enemies, even if it feels like they want to be enemies all the time.

Hey RTB, great advice! My post was leaning towards a rant. I think it's a good idea that you mentioned about getting people to relate. I think it's because when people see someone as an "other/outsider", they view them as a threat sometimes, and go on the defensive. For example, some people who are Christian view Muslims as a threat or an outsider, and vise versa. After learning about various religious traditions in school, I was astonished about how similar a lot of the beliefs are, especially between Christianity and Islam. As a Christian, I was educated about how similar or "relatable" Muslims were and therefore, I was more willing to interact with them and try to build a connection when in social situations.

I think you made a lot of great points, and it is hard when everyone in your family is different and fails to understand you. I didn't fully understand why it's wrong to dish it back. My father always told me that if someone insults me, I should just insult them back. Deep down I felt like this was wrong, I just didn't know why. I figured, "Well, if I give it back to them, they'll think twice the next time they want to insult me." It doesn't necessarily work like that though because the person wants a reaction. Also, it's far more effective to shrug it off and try to get others to relate to you more so they accept what you're doing. At the same time, what's the point in doing that if you don't care to relate to them? In all honesty, I don't feel a need to try to relate to my family because I don't care to feel connected to them. Once I move out, I want to start my life on my own and I'd prefer to not be around people like that. The effort would improve things, but at the same time, I think it's only necessary when you care enough to want to improve things between you and another person. I try to only spend time around people who aren't judgmental in the first place. I like criticism and accept it because it makes me a better person, but only when done in a respectful manner. If my sister had some sense in her head, she would privately ask, "Hey I noticed you're walking/behaving differently, why is that?" I already told her before that I want to get better with girls, but would have no problem explaining it again if she approached me like that. Instead, she belts it out for everyone and house guests to hear, and then the rest of my family jump in on it too. My family are pretty cold/insulting, so why put in the effort to try to make ignorant people relate? I only see it necessary when you generally care to keep those people around with you, so this would be more useful around my close friends than family. Thanks for the insight though RTB, I appreciate it!

Cheers,
Garrett

 

[aliparpar]

Chase says flash them the sexy smile and make them feel stupid.

Do what he says actually. You can talk with them ofcourse as RTB said. But, have this as 2nd option if it didn't stop : While doing what you do, if you sister for example did it again, look back at her, give her a sexy smile, be intriguing and continue doing what you're doing. Be cool about it and don't waste your mental energy on it. They will evantually, get bored of it and accept that you're doing something they don't understand. You're going to move out anyway soon so why do you waste your time beating yourself over it when they are not supportive. Perhaps, when they see you in a year or so they will notice some changes and then you can clear it up for them how you've changed.

I'm not sure explaining what we're all doing here will help them understand but be very cool and serious in what you believe and you do.

My father always told me that if someone insults me, I should just insult them back. Deep down I felt like this was wrong, I just didn't know why.

I think he meant stand your ground and don't let others run over you. Simply be powerful and tell people it's not OK to simply insult/threaten/accuse you.
If you insult back 2nd law of Newton says : Every action Has a Reaction.

BUTTT, Don't usually do this with your family. Always respect them no matter if they insult you or not. Believe it or not, you sister is going to be your sister. So accept them for who they are and be proud of your family and don't label them (Not being self-improving type) or compare them with other families.

 

[Jay]

Garrett,

In addition to what has been said already, I would suggest moving out if you can. Being independent and on your own is extremely liberating, and I feel like in your case your family will actually come to value you more and you them more when you aren't constantly around them taking their day to day shit.

That being said, if you still have to live there, I advise you to stand up for yourself. Do this not in an openly insulting way, you don't have to play their dumb game, but remind them that you are all adults and the middle school bullshit needs to stop. (I am assuming your sisters are adults, otherwise, who the fuck cares what they think? They'll grow up eventually.)

Just don't stoop to their level. You can make them feel like shit in return by pointing out their childishness rather than being a dick.

Jay

 

[A Life Loquacious]

It can be pretty hard dealing with demanding parents. I guess at your age there's a lot of pressure on you to perform and surpass your parent's expectations and when you're living with them they generally do feel that somehow you're not turning out how they wanted you to etc, and that can manifest in pessimism and antagonism towards you and your choices, resulting in quite a poisonous atmosphere round the house at times. The best way to cope with this is to be very even-tempered and extract yourself from a room for a while if tempers start to fray.

I second the advice to start looking for a place to live - and if you're going away to college, it looks like you basically already have. Based on my own experiences and those of my friends, once you've lived away from home for a while and don't look like you're fucking up too badly all the time, their attitude starts to shift.

My father was determined I should do either Political Science, Economics, or Law. Anything else was just 'hobby stuff to be done in your spare time' - which is obviously demoralising when you're most passionate about music, drama, cooking and graphic design.
This prompted me to make some pretty poor decisions regarding academic choices and I went on to drop out of uni due to finding academic life 'wrong for me'. If I'd stuck to what I knew I should have done, I would most probably have left with some qualifications and be in a much better place right now financially.

However, with hindsight, he was only trying to help. He struggled his way out of a difficult family background growing up in a shack in a small village in a poor part of a poor country. He was the first of his family to get a degree, he ended up with a doctorate from Oxford, one of the world's most prestigious universities. However, the route he chose to get out of a bad life wasn't what I needed to do well for myself - those were things that he understood and was good at, and I guess despite being basically a fucking genius, he couldn't get his head round the fact that my brain was wired totally differently in many different ways. Plus because of his hard work before I was born, life for me wasn't something so 'bad' I needed oodles of drive to escape from.

As you get older and your parents start to get older and eventually depend on you it's amazing the insights you get into why they acted the way they did about certain stuff as you were growing up; all too frequently it's because something bad happened to them and they're thinking that if they act a certain way or make you do a certain thing, that they can stop that from happening.

 

[trashKENNUT]

Hi Guys,

I actually like this post though. Serving my National Service and have to deal with stupid during my two years can be overwhelming to anyone, but in here too, it doesn't matter parents, sergeants or someone who are negative. Some people just are .....................that, you can't change people. It will be best to keep your ideas to yourself, be non-chalant and put the social pressure/challenge back on people, on your family if they are really negatively persistent.

One have to keep himself optimistic, and realize that it is not him who is at fault sometimes. But you have to know if you do project an intimidating vibe though. Just be relax and do your own stuff, until you are 'allowed' to, at least when u out of the house.

Zac