How to deal with who travels (fuck buddy)

[KJ Francis]

Hey guys... So I have this new fuck buddy (three fucks so far). I am not terribly excited about her, so I am a little lazy fucking her, lacking passion, etc. So the experience for her is fine, but not incredible to the point she's begging for it.

We live close to half hour drive away. She has a friend who lives near me, so the times she comes over has been after visiting a friend's house. Her game is not that good, and every time I've seen her has been precluded by some awkward attempts at pumping her value, like she's not sure she's free yet, then I just kind of ignore it and she comes back saying yes.

So because of the distance, I would rather stay home and go to bed early than be the one to commute. And she either feels the same or is trying to test my investment in her.

***

So my question is how do you deal with it? She says "I don't think I will be able to but I am happy to host u". So I can't deal with it logically since it makes no sense and is clearly a lie. She is definitely free and just wants to see if I will come.

I can't exactly say hey listen, I fucked three different girls last week and really do not care to make that drive, but if you want to show up in my bed, I'll put my dick in you before I fall asleep.

She's leaving for India next week for over a month, so may autoreject if I just ignore it.

Any tips? Here is my lazy ass no-game texting, often like a day apart for every message.

***

Her: I'm still not sure if we're meeting tomorrow. Let me know so I can plan my day.

Me: (rejected meet, redacted reason)

Her:

 

[KJ Francis]

Whoops, hit post by accident...

Her: Ok take care

(Too days later)

Her: (redacted ping)

Me: Good to go! How's your week looking?

Her: Of course u are lol...I'm free Thursday evening i think

Me: That works after 8:30 if you want to come by

Her:
I'll let u know if my Thursday plans in (my area) solidify. Are u free Saturday afternoon?
Sunday might work too but not sure.

Me: Ok, hope so, because not this weekend unfortunately!

Her: Ahh I'll let u know

Her: I'll see u Thursday

Me: Good morning! Sounds good!

Her: 8:30?

Me: Perfect!

Her: 15 mins

Me: Ok, come on in to the back

***

SEX

***

(Five days later)

Her: What does ur week look like

Me: Hey, let's do Thursday 8:30 again?

Her: You'll be snoring

Her (next day): I'll be around Sunday for brunch and possibly Saturday evening

Me: Good morning (her name)! I can't this weekend but do hope you can come by before your trip

Her: That's unfortunate! I am busy tonight but was hoping to have a very amazing time before I left and I leave Wednesday morning. Well I hope u remember me by the end of the year

Me: I am already forgetting! Unless you can come Monday, send me your return date and I'll put it in the calendar

Her: How will my return date help if u are forgetting me already
I don't think I will be able to but I am happy to host u on Monday with that Indian music u liked and some tea and snacks

 

[ChrisVirtue]

I'd say you should prob just set a boundary.

If you truly don't want to commute to her, then just mirror back what she said to you:

"can't come to yours. happy to host you though "


she what she says to this... she probably gonna say "why not" (a shit test)


just keep it chill though, and know that if that's the boundary you're setting you have to be ok with her not coming/holding her ground.

the mindset should be "I have other girls that can come over if you don't so idgaf"


So if she asks "why" just say:

1. "too busy. sorry I can't come to yours. wanted to see you. too bad :/"
- this being the exact type of shit a girl would say...


the key way to pass the shit test is DONT QUALIFY, don't explain why you can't come/justify why you need to hold your ground etc. JUST HOLD THE BOUNDARY


You should find that she might act annoyed/dramatic but eventually will still come bc she'll respect you more for saying the "too bad" thing (aka dismissiveness)

Or she just doesn't come. bottom line, you're not making the commute that u don't want to....


In fact another text you could send honestly could be your actual feeling that you're too scared to say:

"can't make the drive, but if you want to show up in my bed I'll put my dick in you before I fall asleep "

she might respond even better to that... and it's more congruent with how you actually feel.


My question to you, would be why are scared to say how you actually feel ? lol

 

[topcat]

I'll tell you what I'd do.

I'd lean alll the way into her need for investment and go over to hers. Give her a great fuck and go all the way home. As though I were happy to do it. I'd play along with here texting games too.

Then I'd pull all the way back until she reaches out, at which I'd reward her for reaching out, but have her come to mine with some b.s. but reasonable excuse that fits womanese. Again I'd fuck her really well and make it a great experience, then give radio silence until she pings me again.

Reward. Invite. Fuck. Silence. Rinse. Repeat. Till the dynamic leans firmly in a direction you're happy with. And till she ends the dynamic or gets too annoying to deal with.

With texting, you just need to remember to reward her for moving towards you/investing in you (even if it's subtle - you can reward these with a 'kiss' emoji).

And on who visits who - the one to whom it matters most, is the one with the least power.
There's a saying I read somewhere "He who cannot lose power and regain it, has no power at all". In other words give her what she desperately thinks will give her more power, knowing that by being the one that dishes it out, YOU hold the real power.

Peace

 

[KJ Francis]

I'd say you should prob just set a boundary.

If you truly don't want to commute to her, then just mirror back what she said to you:

"can't come to yours. happy to host you though"

Yeah I'm worried she will fully auto reject though. She may say something like "what, I'm not worth driving for?" Not worthy of reciprocation whatsoever, etc. She's coming off being ghosted by a guy too, so she's low self esteem right now. And going for a family wedding, which probably makes her feel even more lonely and dissatisfied with her dating position (early 30's).

There's really no answer if she asks why. Cause the answer is yes, it's not worth it. From her end it seems like a game you can't call out logically. Like she is the one chasing a bit to meet up, but it smells like the start of taming attempts. Like how much can she get me to invest in her more and more.

I can emphathise with her... Like if I was her, the sex isn't THAT good and I would try to get me to come over sometimes too so I don't have to drive close to an hour round trip.

 

[ChrisVirtue]

Yeah I'm worried she will fully auto reject though. She may say something like "what, I'm not worth driving for?" Not worthy of reciprocation whatsoever, etc. She's coming off being ghosted by a guy too, so she's low self esteem right now. And going for a family wedding, which probably makes her feel even more lonely and dissatisfied with her dating position (early 30's).

There's really no answer if she asks why. Cause the answer is yes, it's not worth it. From her end it seems like a game you can't call out logically. Like she is the one chasing a bit to meet up, but it smells like the start of taming attempts. Like how much can she get me to invest in her more and more.

I can emphathise with her... Like if I was her, the sex isn't THAT good and I would try to get me to come over sometimes too so I don't have to drive close to an hour round trip.

Sorry I ALSO accidentally hit post before fleshing out my thoughts

take a look at my revised post lol

 

[KJ Francis]

I'd say you should prob just set a boundary.

If you truly don't want to commute to her, then just mirror back what she said to you:

"can't come to yours. happy to host you though "


she what she says to this... she probably gonna say "why not" (a shit test)


just keep it chill though, and know that if that's the boundary you're setting you have to be ok with her not coming/holding her ground.

the mindset should be "I have other girls that can come over if you don't so idgaf"


So if she asks "why" just say:

1. "too busy. sorry I can't come to yours. wanted to see you. too bad :/"
- this being the exact type of shit a girl would say...


the key way to pass the shit test is DONT QUALIFY, don't explain why you can't come/justify why you need to hold your ground etc. JUST HOLD THE BOUNDARY


You should find that she might act annoyed/dramatic but eventually will still come bc she'll respect you more for saying the "too bad" thing (aka dismissiveness)

Or she just doesn't come. bottom line, you're not making the commute that u don't want to....


In fact another text you could send honestly could be your actual feeling that you're too scared to say:

"can't make the drive, but if you want to show up in my bed I'll put my dick in you before I fall asleep "

she might respond even better to that... and it's more congruent with how you actually feel.


My question to you, would be why are scared to say how you actually feel ? lol

Well the problem is how I really feel would hurt her feelings... At some level I am telling her she's not worth it. I can see this girl literally asking me in person if she's not worth driving for, right to my face in a genuine non-joking or angry way, just a tinge of sadness. I can picture telling other girls no and them play-slapping me and calling me a jerk while smiling. It's really about her low self esteem. The real problem here is my approach anxiety and by extension lack of abundance in resorting to situations I am less than thrilled about.

@topcat that is probably the best approach. Attainability is low... I was "busting her stones" per the asshole article but taking the strategic position of weakness would give a good big reward to then condition her to keep chasing for. I ended up just leaving it. Kind of forgot.

Not optimal but suppose it's full 'extinction' operant conditioning... If she returns...