How to end all drama BS drama once and for all?

[ChrisCassi]

So I have been dating my girlfriend exclusively for 7 months now. It's been great, we get along great, have amazing sex, and all that stuff.


One problem that is driving me crazy though. Her drama.

AT LEAST once a week she'll get pissed over something stupid and blow it completely out of proportion. And everytime I just get control over, she says she's not gonna change so if I can't take it then break up with her. It's killing me here.

I.E. Last weekend, she was rude about something, and I told her that I don't appreciate how she was treating me. And she got all dramatic and started walking off from the restaurant we were in hopes of me chasing after her, which I didn't. She eventually walks back, saying I don't care for her since I didn't run after her, and I told I'm not doing that and creating a scene in public. After like another of her arguing she finally apologized.

Yesterday, her parents were gone for the day so she asked me to sneak over, but I had to park on a different street to so the neighbors wouldn't call her parents. After we had our fun, and she told me to bring the car around for us to go somewhere. I did, and her neighbor saw and called her mom. My gf blamed for getting us caught, to which I wouldn't stand for taking the blame on something that wasn't my fault. We argued, and finally she said we need to break up, etc. etc. I talked her out of it by staying calm and cool and such.

Anyways, this once a week BS and disrespect is getting to me. Any tips on how to end it completely?

 

[Thedoctor]

Chris,

It sounds like you've set a bad precedent with this girl. Hopefully you're able to walk away should the need arise. I'd take a look at these articles:

https://www.girlschase.com/content/rever ... -girls-you
https://www.girlschase.com/content/how-next-girl

Unfortunately, this is a situation that often cannot be salvaged. Here's my recommendation. The next time this happens:

she says she's not gonna change so if I can't take it then break up with her.

Tell her: "Fine, we're done." That's it.

Don't talk to her for a few days. Cut contact completely. She'll most likely come to her senses and apologize and tell you she'll work on it.
Make sure you tell her you will not tolerate that type of behaviour again and if it happens again, you're done. And if it does happen again, make sure you're a man of your word and end it.

-John

 

[Little Jester]

+1 what Thedoctor said, probably started out wrong already, bad precedent, etc. If it didn't go wrong that much though, I just want to state I can relate here, being in 7 months relationship and my girl is emotional and has had her episodes in the past. Yet, I haven't got drama for 2 months now, as the tone set early on was effective enough I guess. I do notice when she is still having an inner struggle every now and then though. I try to poke sometimes about what the problem is then and she then says she suppresses her emotional passenger, because she no longer wants to hurt me or herself, nor does she want to sound silly And for the most part it's all smiles and always good behavior now.

I'm especially allergic to people blaming me for some bs (you did this), putting me in a corner (you are so like that), judging me (what you do is wrong), or busting my balls with teasing... I will not tolerate it, not from strangers, not from co-workers, not from friends and especially not from my GF.
Now I couldn't really NEXT my girl, as we already started living together after 3~4 months into the relationship. That's also the period when her dramatics picked up. The strategies I naturally used where more like remaining unchanged emotionally (on the outside; I was annoyed with her on the inside), keep some of my warmth, but draw the boundaries for her where needed:

- If she is starting to heat up and I feel like she's busting my balls or judging me or assuming random stuff, I'll tell her so (I feel like you are busting my balls right now) and I tell her that I will not speak to her for as long as she keeps doing that. Once she calms down, I tell her she's hurting me / putting me in a bad place for no reason with those nonsense comments and I don't need that. I also tell her I'm open to talkies, but only as adults in a peaceful matter and I will not join her on her silly outbursts. Took a couple of times, but eventually she gave these outbursts a rest.

- Then one time she was mad she tried this "our relationship is over" thing and she said she was going home. I just smiled and told her she's being silly, she's already home, but she can do whatever and then I went on doing my business as if nothing happened, eventually taking her out to the movies as already planned before and we had a good time.

- Then a couple of times she started to ignore me when she was mad. I immediately just stop giving attention, so basically ignoring her too. Just go about my business, while she is curled up somewhere running bs in her head over and over and then eventually, the last time it happened, she eventually started crying and asking me if we could stop doing that ignoring thing, cause it hurt her so much and I'm like "see now, your own games hurt yourself. And yeah, it kinda hurts me too if we are being distant, so stop doing that. We both don't need this.".

And... She hasn't done it ever since that time


So basically every time I display to her that her dramatics have little to no effect on me and that I only want to address it when she is acting normal and otherwise she can basically go fuck herself + I take any threat (relationship is over) as if she doesn't mean what she is saying. She'll turn around.

Good read also : https://www.girlschase.com/content/end-r ... se-2-rules

 

[ProblemSolving]

Chris,

Reading your story brings a smile to my face. It's like girls all follow the same instinctive playbook - run away, get you to chase so they gain power and you lose it. This ultimately kills her sexual attraction for you as well.

You did well with the first test: she ran away, you stayed put, and then she returned and apologized. Test passed! Power increased!

The second test was handled poorly. She says, "We need to break up", then you talk her out of it (chasing). Test failed. Power decreased. You can bet she will try this stunt again in the future, so how do you handle it when she does?

"We need to break up".
"If that's what you what, fine by me."

Then you're gone, not answering the avalanche of text and calls that are sure to follow - usually blaming you first, then apologizing. You really need to let the fear sink in that she made a BIG mistake pulling this crap. After she has apologized and you have agreed to take her back, sit her down and let her know that she should think long and hard before she ever tries this stunt again, because you will NOT be taking her back a second time. Test passed. Power increased.

As far as your last question about ending drama completely? Not gonna happen. Women are emotional creatures, they get off on it - some more than others. But here's what you CAN do:

1) Be Unreactive - meaning if she runs away, you let her. She'll come crawling back when she sees your not chasing.

2) Stop Arguing - let her tell you her complaint, make sure you understand where she's coming from. Then if she still wants to argue, tell her ,"I'm not going to argue anymore, you can either leave or enjoy a nice lunch/ conversation/movie, etc. with me". Nobody "wins" arguments, you don't "lose" by refusing to engage. This saves you both a ton of energy.

What you'll notice when you stop arguing and reacting to her drama, she'll return to you happy as ever, like nothing ever happened. All she needed was a strong man to keep her grounded.

Caveat:

If she EVER disrespects you, drop the hammer on the chick. That's your license to let the drama out and get emotional. She should be SCARED to see that side of you again.

 

[Little Jester]

If she EVER disrespects you, drop the hammer on the chick. That's your license to let the drama out and get emotional. She should be SCARED to see that side of you again.

Hmm, I wonder what level of disrespect we are talking about here, cause I do not see myself blow up soon. Basically just wondering when dropping the hammer thing is a good thing...

To illustrate: I personally have an enormous amount of patience and ability to keep my cool and can actually probably make her feel guilty about disrespecting me, by telling her calmly what she is doing to me, how it makes me feel and then saying I will not talk to her / walk away from her if she keeps doing that. (A bit like Chase wrote somewhere about taking away something good to punish, to reprogram her behavior. Don't know the article right away. If I find it, will link it)

Girl has to go really far to get an emotional reaction out of me. If she manages to do that, she's probably not the kind of girl for me and I'd be the one breaking up I guess. But maybe that's just me.... And maybe there are more ways to handle stuffs of course.

 

[ProblemSolving]

Jester,

You're right, situations involving blatant disrespect from your girl and the subsequent need to put her in her place, should be few and far between. I've only had to raise my voice twice: once, when she passionately accused me of doing something (I forget what it was), and another time when she repeatedly flaked, causing me to waste a large part of my day waiting for her. In both cases, she and I knew my reaction was justified.

It's a lot like the father-daughter relationship, not very often, but every once in a while, dad needs to raise his voice to get the point across.

 

[ChrisCassi]

Oh, I forgot to add:

When she said we needed to break up, I did calmly say if that's what you want. She responded saying I don't even care. I told her I do care about her and she isn't thinking rationally. I told her no reason for us to break up over this and she apologized.

And btw everytime she apologizes for acting like that and suggesting breaking up.


Also very good advice thanks guys!

 

[Franco]

Chris,

Pretty solid advice has already been given to you by both PS and Thedoc, but I'll add to this here:

When she said we needed to break up, I did calmly say if that's what you want. She responded saying I don't even care. I told her I do care about her and she isn't thinking rationally. I told her no reason for us to break up over this and she apologized.

If she's in yelling and screaming mode and starts talking about breaking up, then that's your cue to turn up the heat. Responding calmly is appropriate if the girl is in a casual relationship with you and just testing your strength, but when she's your girlfriend and causing a MAJOR storm, she's trying to gain more control in the relationship, and you need to vehemently play her game right back at her. Something like the following would have been appropriate:

Her: It's all you damn fault that we got caught! I can't even take this anymore. We should just break up!

You: Wait, so you invite ME over to your place for some "risky" fun and then start spewing the blame on me when WE get caught? This is utter fucking nonsense. I really don't need to put up with this bullshit because obviously you don't respect when I try to do nice and fun things for you. If you can't respect me, then you're right, I think we should break up.

Then you walk out the door. As PS and Thedoc said, she'll probably eventually apologize for her actions (unless she does really feel negatively about the relationship, but that actually doesn't seem like the case here). At this point, you just really need to decide if the constant drama is something that you're okay with dealing with. This sounds like a girl who has this type of personality in a relationship (especially if you were rather submissive during the courting process), and if you can handle the drama, then it could be worth your time still. But if the drama is getting in the way of your enjoyment and pleasure of being with her, then you might need to consider ending it for good.

- Franco