Long-Term How to form new attraction in a long term relationship?

[TylerDurden]

BackStory: skip if you feel like it:

I was together with this girl for almost 2 years, but then the relationship deteriorated and we decided to take some time and see other people (both of us).
I decided to visit her on her birthday by surprise.
That day, after a 2 moth breakup, we instantly felt a lot of attraction. As things go , we started casually dating and decided to start an open relationship, in which each one had their private life.
It has been this way since last year, we date each other frequently nowadays. I dated other girls and learned a lot, but I would like to solve this problem anyway.
The problem now is that that new attraction that was formed after the 2 month break up has vanished and I can't generate new attraction.

Consequences of low attraction:
This makes everything more difficult, I can't easily escalate her physically. Mainly the step i have problems about is moving her to my bedroom or implying I want to have sex with her, it gets reactions of the type "you are always thinking of that", and "can't we just have a peaceful night together without that?", or if we are in bed and I start kissing her a bit too much she usually says "what do you want!?" and bugs me off.
It has to be really slow (if i make one tiny mistake it all goes to trash). Or something else that works is getting her to try to kiss me and then move my face so she can't. For some reason this makes her crazy. The only way to do this effectively is to get in (or simulate) a bad mood for something she did or said, then if she tries to kiss me i just deny it, until i get her to move to my bedroom, where i can get her arouse quite easily.
Once started sex is really good for both, I know she enjoys it, i can get her off quite a few times, and currently it's just getting wilder and wilder. She is slowly opening up about her fantasies and what she really likes, and I'm making them true. There seems to be a barrier that stops us both from enjoying this tough.

Real question:
How do you generate new attraction in a long term relationship?, and how do you present yourself as a challenge after being with the same person for so long?
I actually can get her attraction in 3 ways, none which seems really effective:
1 - 2 month no contact, but I can't make that work forever.
2 - Drastic positive change in myself (appearance, attitude ,whatever), but again, this can't be done forever.
3 - Something that actually makes her chase me is being in a bad mood, it could be because I treat her with more indifference or because she tries to comfort me, for example I was frustrated trying to fix a computer and was not listening much to her, then she started kissing me like she almost never does. Maybe this means I'm too emotional with her?

So, I know it mostly involves no chasing and being a challenge, but how is this done in a long term relationship?
I was thinking about being less trustworthy would help, but what are your ideas? and why does 3 above actually work? (it makes her attracted but i can't use it much or I end being a drama guy, which ends up in her being mad and just leaving)

 

[WinnerWinner]

Are your real name Tyler Durden? I know two known persons with that name. The character in "Fight Club" and Tyler Durden from RSD.

Your situation with a simple answer: you are making yourself too available for her, which gives her no challenge = turn off

Think of why she wanted to be in a relationship with you from the beginning. Has she tamed you? Are you still living a life of abundance mentality or are you having a scarcity mentality so you get what you want, only from your girlfriend?

Life never stops. It is always going forward. If you have stopped doing what you like to do because of your girlfriend then you have made her the adventure. Remember women wants to be taken on one.

 

[TylerDurden]

Just a nick name because I liked the fight club character, actually I didn't know about the one at rsd, maybe I should change my user to avoid confusion, or create a new one if i can't.

Thanks for the advice.

I don't know how to transmit the abundance mentality, she decided she doesn't want to know about other girls I'm dating (she usually tells me if she dates a guy, I just laugh and let her tell me how it went. I don't feel threatened by any guy she could meet).

When I try to be unavailable life just joins us together (birthdays, friends in common, and lots of other stuff) so I would have to give the feeling of unavailability while actually spending a lot of time with her. Is this possible?

About living my life, fortunately I'm living my life to it's full. I didn't stop doing things for her, actually I'm making more stuff that I like that when I first known her. (singing, flute playing, work, study, moving out of home, and lots of other)

 

[Just_Dave]

Hey Tyler,

Something happened here in your break up you guys broke up after two years (Two Year drop which is normal), but after two months you got back together. Your girlfriend is in the mind state that she has you and you're not a challenge to her.

To answer your real questions:
1. If it's a committed long term relationship that won't work because she'll go find someone else, woman only chase for so long and they get bored real quick.

2. Yes it can, a man wants to settle down but it's our nature to always seek to improve ourselves. I see you commented on making new goals and you're doing those. Focus on your goals more than her if you haven't already.

3. Okay just to be clear you want to reward her for good behavior and ignore for bad. Example when she brings up other guys just ignore her and don't comment. She'll back pedal and immediately change the topic.

Now since it's an open relationship go out and meet as many girls as possible. Because you guys "lost" your committed status as soon as I read that. Look she's doing it and if you're not doing it you're definitely not a challenge! Look the bottom line is if she thinks you aren't meeting new girls you're attraction level is gone already.

Another thing you should think about is why you broke up in the first place and if this girl is really the right one for you.
Don't give me the whole I don't think I'll find anyone better, challenge yourself too. You have nothing to lost at this point.

Another time,

Just Dave

 

[TylerDurden]

Thanks for the answers Dave,

Currently I'm focusing more in my goals, and I usually meet new women, currently I have some adventures here and there, but nothing serious.
She agrees to be in an open relationship as long as she doesn't know about the other girls, she knows I can date others, and that I have and may do, but no details or facts. So how exactly do I start to look like a challenge without telling her (or implying too strong) that I date other girls?

Also the problem with ignoring her is: How do I ignore her treating me as a friend? She talks to me, and invites me to places together, but she keeps her distance and shows little affection (the other day we were confused as brother and sister to give you an idea).

We broke up because there were a lot of fights for nothing in particular, but after some time separated I really think she is the one. I would like to date some other girls, live some more experiences but she is the girl I would love settling up with in a few years.

 

[WinnerWinner]

I don't know how to transmit the abundance mentality, she decided she doesn't want to know about other girls I'm dating (she usually tells me if she dates a guy, I just laugh and let her tell me how it went. I don't feel threatened by any guy she could meet).

[...]

About living my life, fortunately I'm living my life to it's full. I didn't stop doing things for her, actually I'm making more stuff that I like that when I first known her. (singing, flute playing, work, study, moving out of home, and lots of other)

Obviously something is wrong since you are asking for advice.

So out of what I got from your words,

1. She takes you for granted. Find other amazing girls to spend some quality time with and realize that your girl isn't that special, especially if she takes you for granted!

Look at it like this.. you don't want or need her validation but if she doesn't respect you, then I advice you to ignore her bad behaviors and reward her for good ones.. just as Dave advices.

When I try to be unavailable life just joins us together (birthdays, friends in common, and lots of other stuff) so I would have to give the feeling of unavailability while actually spending a lot of time with her. Is this possible?

Why do these things all the time? Why not just try to go out of your "box", like.. hey honey, I'm going out with the guys tonight, you have fun even if you are not really going to do that. Just sometimes. (if you are living together)

Well.. this actually comes back to, just living your own life. She is just a part of it. Of course you can be unavailable to her when you are at an event together.. you write that she is.. why can't you?

Maybe you've become a little too depend on her?

You don't want to try to convince her or anything that you are a challenge. You just ARE a challenge.

I recommend you take your time, every day to visualize every detail of how you would be etc. like you really just are a challenge and can't help it. Then just try as hard as you can to maintain that person and someday you stop thinking about being that person.. you just are...

Then she can't stop but wanting your attention instead

 

[TylerDurden]

Thanks James,
I'll guess I'll do just that, I'm dating other girls but I didn't date another girl which I really liked, just "ok" girls. I'll keep trying and see what happens.
pd:We don't live together but we have lots of friends in common.