How to Handle girls you are seeing who aren't putting out? Advice wanted

[lostnumber]

Well gang, I broke up with one of the girls I'm seeing tonight. It was on its way out for a variety of reasons but its still a bummer. The final straw was her not being willing to put out and then blowing up at me when I tried to have a discussion about it, at which point I called it off. Now, to be fair to her, she had something going on medically that had her not feeling the best. I think if this relationship hadn't had so many other issues and so many cases of her not meeting my needs I would have been cool with just having takeout and a movie and not pressing the issue. That wasn't the case though, so I chose to fight the battle and it went very poorly

Its not the first time I've had something like this blow up on me, so I think its gotten to the point where I have to admit I don't know how to handle this situation and ask for help. Three times in the past year I've had a scenario where a girl wasn't satisfying my needs sexually and I tried to handle it in three different ways, and in all three instances it blew up horribly and ended up killing the relationship.

1) Girl wasn't willing to give me a blowjob
Getting oral is a huge thing for me, and this girl hadn't given much of it and wasn't comfortable with giving me a full blowjob and letting me finish. She did it for my birthday after I'd been seeing her for ~2 months and it went fine. A week or two later I tried to go for another blowjob, and I got her off with my hand first. She got uncomfortable and wasn't willing to do it. I tried to freeze her out and it didn't work at all, she was about to storm off, so I managed to pull her back in and have normal sex with her. After that I was cold (dick move I know) and she really did storm off. Turns out she was seeing someone else as well, so when I went cold she ran off with him and that was that. I did actually have one more date after these events, but I think the damage had already been done.

2) Girl gave amazing oral but didn't like that I didn't give it back. One day she started refusing to give me oral even as foreplay, which is something I'm majorly into. The second time we were about to have sex that night and she refused it just killed mood for me and it didn't happen. We talked about it afterward and I guess somehow I managed to put my foot in my mouth and she blew up and stormed out and called it off without even trying to talk it out. (Really don't think I said anything out of line or crazy, she was being a hardcore bitch in her reaction). Despite that I think this one is on me though for being selfish. She wanted something reasonable that I wasn't giving and that was really the root problem. Her being a crazy feminist and blowing up after the fact was what ended it, but I think I could have averted this by being more accommodating of her needs, which is really what I should have done to begin with.

3) Too complicated and fresh to get into all the details, but essentially I've had many issues with her being flaky or not putting out in the past and this was the final straw. I tried to talk it out and explain that maybe this particular night wasn't the ultimate problem but that it was the pattern. She got triggered and wasn't having any of it"I should be able to say no fifty times in a row if that's what I want blah blah blah". I basically told her we clearly had such vastly different expectations for the relationship that it wasn't going to work. I ended it on my terms and she walked me to the door and we had a hug, so I'm not devastated or anything, but it is a bummer.

Looking back at the first two I can see clear ways I fucked up and it didn't work out. I don't have the space yet to examine this most recent scenario, although in my gut it feels like there wasn't anything to be done unless I was just going to be beta and accept her randomly rejecting my advances. Regardless, I don't want to dwell on the past. I'm not really looking for someone to look at these scenarios and tell me how I fucked up. What I more want to know is: what have you guys done in similar scenarios that has worked? I'm 0/3 so far and rather than keep scrambling in the dark I'd love to hear from someone who has found an effective method. If you are seeing a girl on an ongoing basis and she isn't meeting your needs sexually, or she was formally meeting your needs but isn't anymore, how have you successfully handled it?

PS "Dump the bitch" isn't the answer I'm looking for, although I do recognize it as a valid option

 

[Seppuku]

Hey lostnumber,

I got into a similar situation a while back. She was a sweet girl and I liked her and I was only seeing her at that time. But the sex was a little limited. That also included no blowjob. I tried to patiently teach her over time, and I managed to get her to do it... a little bit. But she would never do it spontaneously. Each time it would be a whole process to get her to suck me. I progressively gave up, and just contented myself to enjoy whatever she was willing to give me.

My own findings now tell me that some girls will do, some others won't, and it's an uphill battle to change that. Getting angry and upset about it won't work, like you found out. You can try to teach her and get some little success, but ultimately if she doesn't like to do it, you won't get much more than her, doing it to please you but not really enjoying it. Better to take what she is giving willingly.

Of course, I have now solved the problem entirely by having not one, but many. My current "main girl" here in my city is also one of these with limited sexuality. I keep her because I like her, and sex is otherwise good although restricted. But I'm seeing a few FBs on the side once in a while who suck me and fuck me like crazy. It's a best of both world approach LOL.

Never had any drama because of my polyamorous status. I haven't told my main girl officially of course... But she must somehow be aware of it. If she ever presses me into explanations, then I have the perfect argument: I can drop the side girls if she catches up to their level of sexuality ;-). But I know she won't. There are some questions that she is carefully avoiding.

Would be curious to see what other guys have to say.

Seppuku

 

[Sandman]

Some girls are just not into blowjobs. You teach them and they do it to please you but it's never good. So I agree with seppuku. Opening a girl up to new experiences help but not always (with bj).

Blowjobs aside, if a girl doesn't put out best way to deal with it is not giving her any attention. So either just turn and sleep or tell her "you're great but I'm horny so I can't stand being with you and not fucking you, it's torture, so I'm out of here / you have to go". And follow through. Be gentle but firm. Being cold or sulking doesn't help because you basically let her know that she has power over you.

You never should do something (especially sexual acts) for a girl you do not want to. This is not being selfish, this is being strong. So I think you did the right thing. If she gives you drama (i) solve the underlying issue (e.g. I feel like you do not care for me) (ii) escalate it and win or (iii) soft next her depending on the situation. Sex should never be a bargaining chip.