How to manage all the variables in a conversation?

[Calibration]

It's really frustrating when you've done everything right and the girl is also into you and you blurt out something which is a deal-breaker for the girl and it's game over

There are hell lotta variables I need to be careful in saying. Again, it's not the same with every girl. Something one girl loves is a deal-breaker for another girl. For example: If a girl is only looking for hooking up and you say something of BF kind and it's game over or if she's looking for a relationship and you come across a little playerish, again it's game over.

Another example: If I say I like to travel and not stay in one country, one girl will think I'm adventurous and find me attractive but another may think I'll bait and switch and she'll run. This is really really frustrating and I'm going crazy

There are a million variables and how can I say everything right that fits the girl and the situation?

 

[Just a Man]

Calibrate to the girl as far as you reasonably can and want to. One of the reasons for focusing the conversation at initial meeting and first date more on her is that you can find out her priorities and what she's looking for without giving too much of yourself away.

It's really frustrating when you've done everything right and the girl is also into you and you blurt out something which is a deal-breaker for the girl and it's game over

Try not to "blurt out" anything. That phrase suggests that you might gain from practising mindfulness about how you're speaking to girls. Most people (no doubt yourself included) learn not to "blurt out" things that are inappropriate to context in most contexts. We are mindful how we talk to our boss or to the people reporting in to us or to the customer, because that's professional. We're mindful how we talk to the shop assistant or waiter because that's a polite way to be. We're mindful how we talk to airport security because that's not a good place to be a joker. Etc, etc.

So when it comes to talking to a girl, if you're at the point where you've done things right and the girl is into you, there just shouldn't be any blurting out of deal breakers.

What can happen is that things come up that you want to come up in your screening of girls. So if it's fair play in your view that a girl should know you like to travel, and it's a deal-breaker from your point of view if she has an issue with it, then go ahead and mention it because you want her either to qualify herself or exclude herself. Plenty of girls might see travel as an opportunity: maybe you're a guy who'll take her interesting places if she invests in having great sex with you. Maybe you don't much care about a girl who wants to be around you the whole time but who doesn't want to join you on your travels either. She's just going to tie you down to a boring life.

Also, a girl who's looking for a NSA hook-up probably doesn't care if you travel often. She wants you to move fast and get her to bed. You can catch a plane the next day and she won't mind a bit. The girls who mind about frequent travel are the girls who are screening you for the BF role. Is that the role you want? If not, then let them fail your qualifier and don't worry about it.

I relate to your example because I travel a lot myself and it's something I'm willing to use as a qualifier rather than try to hide it. But equally, you don't always have to announce it off the bat if it doesn't need announcing.

 

[Calibration]

What can happen is that things come up that you want to come up in your screening of girls. So if it's fair play in your view that a girl should know you like to travel, and it's a deal-breaker from your point of view if she has an issue with it, then go ahead and mention it because you want her either to qualify herself or exclude herself. Plenty of girls might see travel as an opportunity: maybe you're a guy who'll take her interesting places if she invests in having great sex with you. Maybe you don't much care about a girl who wants to be around you the whole time but who doesn't want to join you on your travels either. She's just going to tie you down to a boring life.

Also, a girl who's looking for a NSA hook-up probably doesn't care if you travel often. She wants you to move fast and get her to bed. You can catch a plane the next day and she won't mind a bit. The girls who mind about frequent travel are the girls who are screening you for the BF role. Is that the role you want? If not, then let them fail your qualifier and don't worry about it.

I relate to your example because I travel a lot myself and it's something I'm willing to use as a qualifier rather than try to hide it. But equally, you don't always have to announce it off the bat if it doesn't need announcing.

I cold approached a girl today and she was into me right off the bat. She was qualifying right from the beginning by talking about what she does and her hobbies etc and then she went on to ask me: "So, are you planning to live in this city?". I said "I'm planning to move but I haven't decided yet. Let's see where life takes me". Right after this, everything changed and she stopped qualifying and when I asked her number, she said she's not in the mindset to date right now and asked me my number so that she'll text me. I declined.
In hindsight, I realised she asked me if I'm going to live here cos she is looking for BF. I'm not looking for relationship right now. So, technically she was not someone I'm looking for.
However, does it mean, all girls who look for relationship aren't open to hook-up?

 

[Will_V]

I cold approached a girl today and she was into me right off the bat. She was qualifying right from the beginning by talking about what she does and her hobbies etc and then she went on to ask me: "So, are you planning to live in this city?". I said "I'm planning to move but I haven't decided yet. Let's see where life takes me". Right after this, everything changed and she stopped qualifying and when I asked her number, she said she's not in the mindset to date right now and asked me my number so that she'll text me. I declined.
In hindsight, I realised she asked me if I'm going to live here cos she is looking for BF. I'm not looking for relationship right now. So, technically she was not someone I'm looking for.
However, does it mean, all girls who look for relationship aren't open to hook-up?

Just because you offer something that she doesn't think she's looking for doesn't mean you have to stop there.

If you realize she was looking at you as a boyfriend prospect, what can you do to paint yourself another way? What part of her outlook could you start engaging with to shift positively to another category? Can you shift the conversation toward things that are more focused on you and her right now, rather than some projected future?

Always be critical of your own actions. For example, "I'm planning to move but I haven't decided yet. Let's see where life takes me" is quite an indecisive line that really doesn't say or offer anything. One possibility might be using your answer to try to engage her more, by implying something about yourself and getting her to qualify again. Like "I'm thinking about it, it's got a great vibe but kind of slow paced. What makes you stay here?" which is a bit of a qualifying question and encourages her to try to get you to stay too.

These kind of things come more naturally the more you practice, you'll sense when a question is loaded and needs to be smoothly turned back, or when she's curious about you and it needs to be answered, things like that.

 

[Just a Man]

She was qualifying right from the beginning by talking about what she does and her hobbies etc and then she went on to ask me: "So, are you planning to live in this city?".

She was giving you a lot of lifestyle information ("hobbies etc") and, in that context, asking if you're going to be sticking around. So yes, she was definitely screening you for the BF role. On the upside, she must have thought you're a solid guy

However, does it mean, all girls who look for relationship aren't open to hook-up

@Will_V is right. It doesn't necessarily mean this, and it doesn't necessarily mean that you can't adapt. But I agree with him that your reply needed to give her more.

One possibility might be using your answer to try to engage her more, by implying something about yourself and getting her to qualify again. Like "I'm thinking about it, it's got a great vibe but kind of slow paced. What makes you stay here?" which is a bit of a qualifying question and encourages her to try to get you to stay too.

Great suggestion IMO.

 

[Fuck This]

Manage what you do, and let her respond to your conversation prompts and tailor your responses based on her words. Assess your audience, and modify your approach accordingly...

 

[Rakehell]

Girl’s don’t really know what they need. They might express what they want but that’s only based on how they feel in the moment. Girls say they want one thing but moments later will contradict themselves because they feel differently.

I don’t think trying to conform to her wanting/not wanting a boyfriend is the right path to take. You should always present yourself as a lover first because most girl’s NEED one. They just aren’t aware. Once you start arousing her the way someone she wants to fuck would, saying things that make her not want to date you will not matter.

“He had a live in girlfriend and he was a huge
cheater. He would actually tell me about cheating
on her and how her friends would tell her that
they saw him with other women, but, he would lie
and she would believe him or talk about her
friends being jealous because she had a man
and they didn't. He would laugh about her
foolishness because it allowed him to cheat
freely without any consequences. Knowing what I
knew, I knew I could never date him or take him
seriously.
He was always telling me how bad he wanted to
eat me out. So, I invited him over and let him.
But, that's all we did and it was only that one
time.”

 

[Calibration]

Like "I'm thinking about it, it's got a great vibe but kind of slow paced. What makes you stay here?" which is a bit of a qualifying question and encourages her to try to get you to stay too.

What if she had a strong reason to stay here? Like her familial responsibilities or job etc. She'd still think her reasons are valid enough to say no to me. Isn't it?

These kind of things come more naturally the more you practice, you'll sense when a question is loaded and needs to be smoothly turned back, or when she's curious about you and it needs to be answered, things like that.

Yeah, I think you're right. I should've sensed the meaning and subcommunication behind that question she was asking. I guess I was too excited and got carried away and blurted out some nonsense. Tbh, coming up with answers/reasons in the moment to fit the girl/situation is really hard. Even now I don't know what could've been a fitting response