How to respond and bounce back from *rude* blowouts -question-

[lux7]

WHAT QUALIFY AS RUDE BLOWOUT
Things like unmotivated "go away" in a angry or annoyed tone, angry looks with no replies etc.

WHAT DOESN'T QUALIFY
"nos" and neutral "not interested thanks" don't count, as also scenarios where the woman might be scared don't count -ie: night, nobody around, catcall, sexually explicit approaches, you making mistakes and coming across as scary etc.-

WHY IT'S DIFFICULT FOR SOME TO REACT
I think particularly for empathetic people and people who are never rude themselves it's harder to react.
Personally it's such a case, I'm weak and often at a loss when coping with rude people, both in the moment and in the "hit" I take mentally as rude behaviour is something that doesn't belongs to me.

Maybe one might think it's mostly "nice" and pushover people who get offended at rude behaviour, but I wouldn't simplify it so.

HOW TO REACT (?)
Shrugging it off with "how friendly" and moving on seems like a good thing, so I would appreciate more suggestions on this.
I guess also a mindset that doesn't take rudeness personally would help, and any tips on how to develop that would also be appreciated.



STORY EXAMPLE

I said to a girl at a traffic light stop "Hi, do you speak English".
No reaction whatsover.
Again, a bit higher voice and a bit more inquisitive, though in no way rude "do you speak English".

In a very annoyed and pissed voice she replied "you already talked to me".

Tried to save it as if I kinda new and added, much more friendly "yeah it seemed so, that's why I asked. How are you".
Might have done the mistake of going too friendly here rather than saying something like "and does that prevent us from talking again".

No reply, just an angry face.

"Alright" I added, I stared ahead waiting for the green and went my way.
Which was no way actually , just pretended of going ahead till I stopped and found out she was actually behind me -and looked back towards me after a few hundred meters-.


I later thought I was way too nice in the face of someone who was being rude and completely unsympathetic. Not that she needed to show any sympathy, mind you, but by being too polite I made myself look weak and maybe lost a chance to remind someone it's not cool being rude.

 

[theemann31]

Hey dude, sometimes you've gotta remember that everyone is going through something in their lives that may make them very friendly and warm to you or cold and harsh like that traffic stoplight chick. Just think back to a time where something really bad happened to you in your life and try to remember how you felt angry or disappointed and how you treated others, now imagine some highly emotional she-bitch and how she would spread her "bitchiness" around to everyone that she possibly can if in that same situation. EXAMPLE TIME!

I was at JC Penny with my mom shopping for clothes, when we were done shopping we went to checkout and the cashier was this middle aged Caribbean lady with an attitude (and my mom hates people with attitudes).
Long story short, the lady gave my mom some attitude when my mom thought one of the items was overpriced and my mom and I stormed away with our stuff after paying.
A few minutes later, the cashier left her register and approached us and apologized for being so rude and explained that she was mean because she just found out that her beloved cousin was terminally ill with cancer and only had 4 weeks more to live.

So the moral of the story is that sometimes you've gotta remember that you don't get blownout because you suck, but that the other person is going through something in their lives and just knowing that will help you to bounce back or not even be bothered. Hope that helped

-Josh

 

[lux7]

Hey dude, sometimes you've gotta remember that everyone is going through something in their lives that may make them very friendly and warm to you or cold and harsh like that traffic stoplight chick. Just think back to a time where something really bad happened to you in your life and try to remember how you felt angry or disappointed and how you treated others, now imagine some highly emotional she-bitch and how she would spread her "bitchiness" around to everyone that she possibly can if in that same situation. EXAMPLE TIME!

I was at JC Penny with my mom shopping for clothes, when we were done shopping we went to checkout and the cashier was this middle aged Caribbean lady with an attitude (and my mom hates people with attitudes).
Long story short, the lady gave my mom some attitude when my mom thought one of the items was overpriced and my mom and I stormed away with our stuff after paying.
A few minutes later, the cashier left her register and approached us and apologized for being so rude and explained that she was mean because she just found out that her beloved cousin was terminally ill with cancer and only had 4 weeks more to live.

So the moral of the story is that sometimes you've gotta remember that you don't get blownout because you suck, but that the other person is going through something in their lives and just knowing that will help you to bounce back or not even be bothered. Hope that helped

-Josh

Hey Josh,

Thanks for weighing in!
True that man!
Wasn't really too much worried about "sucking" or not, I was just riding on the "high" -or better, on the "down" - of the experience and just wondering on the best way to react. "letting go" doesn't seem like the best way.
In your story, if your mom had let it go maybe that cashier would have never realized she was "in the wrong" and never apologized and never rectified her behaviour.

And sometimes, like you said, just something bad might have happened, good story. Empathy sometimes also means understanding people behaving badly, I guess.

 

[Chase]

Lucifer-

I was waiting to catch a train earlier and left my computer case up on a half wall near the staircase down, while I leaned against the wall with my hand resting over the case just to make sure nobody walked after it. But otherwise, I was facing the other direction, lost in thought and distracted by pretty girls walking around nearby.

I then inexplicably turned my head back around (unconscious trigger) to catch a disheveled man standing on the other side of the half wall with his hands resting right against my briefcase, and an expression on his face like I caught him with his hand in the cookie jar. There was no one else anywhere along the half wall, so it was pretty obvious why he'd picked right there. I glowered at him, and he looked back at me with that, "Erm, yeah," look, and then I slowly yanked my briefcase off the wall down in front of me on the other side while still looking disapprovingly at him, then went back to thinking deep thoughts and looking at pretty girls.

A minute later, I looked back, and the guy was still standing there, acting like he'd just meant to be there all along. And then he sort of moved a bit to the side, mumbling something to himself. And then another minute or so later he left.

It's funny, but I actually thought, "This guy handles being caught in the act of trying to steal someone's computer the same way I handle getting harshly rejected by girls."

If she shovels a heaping of attitude right into your face, the best thing to do is just sort of shrug and turn your attention away with a bored look, and then hang out there and stare off into space for a few minutes. Then eventually you can start moving again. This is assuming you're approaching in a club / party venue where people are paying attention to you, or you're not otherwise in a place where it's natural to keep moving.

The reason you're doing this is for the benefit of all the observers; you don't care about the girl herself (she's just some miserable rude person). If you scurry off immediately after being rebuffed, it's a clear admission that yes, you were only there for her, and she rejected you, so you're a loser (likewise, if that guy scurries off as soon as I yank my bag away, it's obvious he's a thieving vagabond, and others will be very wary of him or I may chase him down and yell for the police or a passing police officer may chase him himself).

But if you just stand there and act like she was the one who was socially miscalibrated (which, if you're a cool, sociable person... she probably was), it muddies the picture for anyone observing. Do it well (use a good bored look, like, "Whoa - this girl is TOTALLY retarded"), and you may actually get a respect boost from any girl watching it go down and getting a kick out of how big a bitch that girl is acting and how adroitly you handle it (I've picked up girls I'm pretty sure saw me catch a harsh rejection and handle it this way first - it was pretty obvious and I was within their eyeshot).

Also, if you're interested in giving her her comeuppance, everyone around you will see you react this way, and it effectively paints her as a real stiff. I've had a few girls who didn't immediately turn away from me but saw this reaction themselves after I delivered it following a harsh rejection immediately come back and explain themselves, "Hey, look, I didn't mean to be rude, I'm just not feeling very sociable right now." Not in an "Oh, now I'm interested" way - they still aren't - but rather in a "Oh crap, I just slighted a guy who's higher status than me - major oversight. I'd better correct this with a peace offering before this guy shits all over my status in this venue" way.

So, basically, normal response is:

• 1. Animate and obvious bored look / shrug for the benefit of all watching (reframes her as socially uncalibrated)
  2. Hang around for a few minutes and stare off into space ("Well, anyway, so long as I'm here, might as well enjoy the view")
  3. ONLY ONCE IT FEELS FULLY ON YOUR TERMS (and not hers because she rejected you and has shooed you away), walk off and head elsewhere

I have only once in my life had a time where I reacted this way to a harsh rejection - in this case, by an plain-looking girl mother hen / cockblocking me on an admittedly somewhat unsmooth open on my part to a girl seated at her table in a crowded bar - and the girl continued to aggravate ("Hey, did you not hear me - this is OUR table. So LEAVE. NOW"). In that case, I glanced over my shoulder - giving her minimal attention - and told her "I came up here to be nice and social but you're acting incredibly rude, so now I'm just going to hang here for a bit" and then she said something else nasty, and I just turned my head and ignored her. Then she was calling out something like "Hey asshole" or whatever, but I continued to ignore until one of my friends walked by and we greeted each other enthusiastically and headed to the bar for drinks. Why the charade? Anyone who's paying attention watches me, back turned, completely ignoring this girl who is RAGING, trying to get my attention, and it's clear that I'm the more dominant individual (and probably a dick, but... dicks are intriguing to women).

I think a lot of guys are tempted to put girls in their places verbally here, but you are better served by making it as nonverbal as possible. She will tend to use words to place you beneath her; if you can brush her off and marginalize her nonverbally, you come across as more socially competent, more in tune with the Law of Least Effort, and walk away with more social power (ironically, seeing as you were just rejected).

Chase

 

[lux7]

Thank you Chase, great reply as usual.

I guess you'd resist the "urge" of put them in their place verbally even when there are no people around and/or you don't care of the people around?

In the latter case you might otherwise miss an occasion to show someone it's not cool being rude.
Something like a slow "how friendly" while not looking at her and shrugging might otherwise work.

 

[Chase]

I guess you'd resist the "urge" of put them in their place verbally even when there are no people around and/or you don't care of the people around?

In the latter case you might otherwise miss an occasion to show someone it's not cool being rude.
Something like a slow "how friendly" while not looking at her and shrugging might otherwise work.

I think the key to remember here is that if you get flustered or insult her back, she wins. Any kind of deal where you are clearly reacting to her in an emotional way communicates to her that she was 'right about you' and you're some douchey low-status jerk.

Let's say you walk up to a girl, and her friend steps in and say, "No, SORRY, she's not talking to strangers right now." That's something she will ONLY do if she assumes that you are low status. She would not do that if you were her boss, or a member of that boy band she listens to obsessively, or some guy whose male model picture she had hanging on her wall.

You may not know the correct way to deal with it. But if you get all fumey and start fighting her and insulting her, even though it fires her up and maybe ruins much of her night, she will still come away from it saying, "Thank GOD I protected my friend from that total douchebag. I knew he was a low status loser, and... he totally WAS."

The act of fighting with her will also almost CERTAINLY derail the rest of your night. You can bounce back from a girl being disrespectful if you choose to shrug her off like nothing, but if you get into a verbal jousting session with her, you're not going to "win" no matter how insulting you get, and I guarantee you you won't pick up anyone after that. You'll just slink around the venue feeling like an angry victim until you give up and go home.

What's probably even worse is that instead of you saying, "All right: what's the right way to deal with that scenario next time in order to make myself look damn GOOD?", you simply won't want to deal with / think about it and will just put it out of your mind.

Instead, study the stuff you can do to get around cockblocks:

How to Stop a Cockblock (Without Breaking a Sweat)

... and if you hit upon novel situations you don't have a ready answer for, suppress that urge to lash back at her, try to respond with dignity, then put your thinking cap on and see if you can't figure out a way to respond the next time you find yourself in such a situation that allows you to sidestep the attack and make it clear you are a powerful, dominant, composed man unaffected by this low status woman's kicking and screaming and who just laughs at her lightly, pats her on the head, and then takes what he wants (usually this is by smiling politely and ignoring her, or engaging her friend in a very cool manner and asking the friend to go to bat for you and call off the hounds).

And, of course, up your fundamentals, with a specific eye to your effort levels; the tighter your fundamentals and the more effortless you seem, the more likely people are to presume you are high status and NOT someone they want to dump on (otherwise, they miss out on the value you provide and/or run into problems if you have strings you can pull and they get on your bad side).

Chase

 

[Mr.Rob]

Another thing I would add if you wanting to "put her in her place" type of thing is don't take PU, or life for that matter, so seriously.

The act of thinking to "put a girl in place" stem from a place of lower consciousness (lashing out to protect your ego) and usually consciousness is associated with low status as well.

You think the high status guy at the club that talking to everyone and having fun with whomever he's with is going to freak out it one girl he talks to is a bitch to him. Fuck no he's probably going to laugh at how silly she is for not seeing all the value he had to offer and then forget it even happened two seconds later after chatting up a different girl.

You might also want to consider that maybe she's in a bitchy mood for a reason.

Maybe her cat shit on her boyfriends floor and the boyfriend dumped her and then killed her cat in front of her and she's having a rough day.

There have been girls I've opened once that told me literally to "FUCK OFF" and then I reopened at a later point in time and had them be very into me.

Don't take blow outs personally or seriously. I invite you Lucifer to try and see the humor in getting blown out harshly and allow it to add to your positive emotions (easier said than done).

Lastly I will present a tip I use to diffuse girls that are bitchy and/or don't pay a dime of attention to me upon opening them.

Me: Excuse me, You're quite gorgeous and..
Her: ugh, (acts dismissive)
Me: AYE! (Snaps her out of autopilot) Be nice! (Said in a joking/self amusing manner yet talking to her as if she was a misbehaving dog) I'm a nice man, I'm not a serial killer, now tell me who you are
Her: hahaha I'm sorry! I'm Stephanie. Sorry my boyfriend literally shot my cat in front of my eyes this morning and It's been a rough day

Simple as that. Telling her to "be nice!" in a way in which you thought it was funny she was being bitchy so you talk to her like a dog because you think its funny and makes you laugh, communicates you're higher status than she once thought (because you didn't get your panties in a wad), your smooth because you took her from a place of being unresponsive to being very responsive in 2 seconds and is now investing (dominance), and your totally free of outcome and this is just adding to your awesome day despite what happens.

When you do it this way your state doesn't become dependent on outside factors so you don't take a hit but at the same time she might flip around and then you both leave better off than when you found each other. Worst case scenario you leave better off than you first were.

It's your movie choose whatever character you wish...

-Rob

 

[lux7]

I guess you'd resist the "urge" of put them in their place verbally even when there are no people around and/or you don't care of the people around?

In the latter case you might otherwise miss an occasion to show someone it's not cool being rude.
Something like a slow "how friendly" while not looking at her and shrugging might otherwise work.

I think the key to remember here is that if you get flustered or insult her back, she wins. Any kind of deal where you are clearly reacting to her in an emotional way communicates to her that she was 'right about you' and you're some douchey low-status jerk.

Let's say you walk up to a girl, and her friend steps in and say, "No, SORRY, she's not talking to strangers right now." That's something she will ONLY do if she assumes that you are low status. She would not do that if you were her boss, or a member of that boy band she listens to obsessively, or some guy whose male model picture she had hanging on her wall.

You may not know the correct way to deal with it. But if you get all fumey and start fighting her and insulting her, even though it fires her up and maybe ruins much of her night, she will still come away from it saying, "Thank GOD I protected my friend from that total douchebag. I knew he was a low status loser, and... he totally WAS."

The act of fighting with her will also almost CERTAINLY derail the rest of your night. You can bounce back from a girl being disrespectful if you choose to shrug her off like nothing, but if you get into a verbal jousting session with her, you're not going to "win" no matter how insulting you get, and I guarantee you you won't pick up anyone after that. You'll just slink around the venue feeling like an angry victim until you give up and go home.

What's probably even worse is that instead of you saying, "All right: what's the right way to deal with that scenario next time in order to make myself look damn GOOD?", you simply won't want to deal with / think about it and will just put it out of your mind.

Instead, study the stuff you can do to get around cockblocks:

How to Stop a Cockblock (Without Breaking a Sweat)

... and if you hit upon novel situations you don't have a ready answer for, suppress that urge to lash back at her, try to respond with dignity, then put your thinking cap on and see if you can't figure out a way to respond the next time you find yourself in such a situation that allows you to sidestep the attack and make it clear you are a powerful, dominant, composed man unaffected by this low status woman's kicking and screaming and who just laughs at her lightly, pats her on the head, and then takes what he wants (usually this is by smiling politely and ignoring her, or engaging her friend in a very cool manner and asking the friend to go to bat for you and call off the hounds).

And, of course, up your fundamentals, with a specific eye to your effort levels; the tighter your fundamentals and the more effortless you seem, the more likely people are to presume you are high status and NOT someone they want to dump on (otherwise, they miss out on the value you provide and/or run into problems if you have strings you can pull and they get on your bad side).

Chase

Yes, I totally see what you mean and I agree.

Though what I wasn't sure about what not "non reacting and going your merry way" VS "escalate into a fight" but more like "non reacting" VS "a light comment that would highlight to her how rude she was and then go your merry way".

Something like:
1. Facial expression of "what a jerk";
2. Turn slowly your face ahead, or to the side;
3. Muttering something like "how friendly" or "what a nice person to stumble upon";
4. Ignore her, keep going your way