How to stop qualifying myself to other men? What are the right ways of responding when they try to make you self-qualify?

[sejinlee09]

Here's an example.

After school, I got into an Uber pool and another girl happened to get in. I was a bit excited cause I just finished a acting scene that involved many difficult scripts and performed well on it. So I'm in a good mood and as we're talking, the Uber driver seems a bit antsy. I'm talking about the acting class and afterwards I ask him what he does.

Me: Yeah so it was a great day. What about you? Do you do anything other than Uber?
Him: (Gets tense + sneaks a glance at the girl sitting at the back)
Him: Oh hell no. I'm a professional dancer and I just do this on the side. Matter of fact, do you know who X is?
Girl: He's a famous person in the dancing world.
Him: Yes! I'll be performing tonight at channel X. Do you know who that is? (At me)
Me: No I have no idea.
Him: Well he's this X guy, and if you guys tune into channel ABC, you'll see me with him tonight.
Me: Oh thats cool.
Him: Yup, so about your little acting gig. Any luck in finding jobs for that?
Me: Oh, I'm not looking for acting jobs.
Him: Oh why not? If you're in acting class, you should be going for it to the fullest.
Me: Oh, because I'm not doing it to get a job, I'm just taking it for fun. (Qualifying myself?)
Him: (Ignores) Talks to the girl: So what about you? What do you do?

And begins to ignore me and talking to the girl.

This was actually very unexpected for me. But looking back, he was showboating and getting me to self-qualify. (I was unaware of it)

I have few moments when a guy comes to me when he sees me with a hot girl and tries to get me to 'self-quality'.

Can anyone give good replies or principles on how to answer when someone tries to get me to qualify myself?

 

[Will_V]

Here's an example.

After school, I got into an Uber pool and another girl happened to get in. I was a bit excited cause I just finished a acting scene that involved many difficult scripts and performed well on it. So I'm in a good mood and as we're talking, the Uber driver seems a bit antsy. I'm talking about the acting class and afterwards I ask him what he does.

Me: Yeah so it was a great day. What about you? Do you do anything other than Uber?
Him: (Gets tense + sneaks a glance at the girl sitting at the back)
Him: Oh hell no. I'm a professional dancer and I just do this on the side. Matter of fact, do you know who X is?
Girl: He's a famous person in the dancing world.
Him: Yes! I'll be performing tonight at channel X. Do you know who that is? (At me)
Me: No I have no idea.
Him: Well he's this X guy, and if you guys tune into channel ABC, you'll see me with him tonight.
Me: Oh thats cool.
Him: Yup, so about your little acting gig. Any luck in finding jobs for that?
Me: Oh, I'm not looking for acting jobs.
Him: Oh why not? If you're in acting class, you should be going for it to the fullest.
Me: Oh, because I'm not doing it to get a job, I'm just taking it for fun. (Qualifying myself?)
Him: (Ignores) Talks to the girl: So what about you? What do you do?

And begins to ignore me and talking to the girl.

This was actually very unexpected for me. But looking back, he was showboating and getting me to self-qualify. (I was unaware of it)

I have few moments when a guy comes to me when he sees me with a hot girl and tries to get me to 'self-quality'.

Can anyone give good replies or principles on how to answer when someone tries to get me to qualify myself?

Cockblocked by the uber driver!

Here's my impression.

Me: Yeah so it was a great day. What about you? Do you do anything other than Uber?

Probably a better way to phrase this. You were inviting him to get competitive by implying that being an uber driver wasn't already enough. Sure everyone knows it's not a great job but it maybe made him standoffish.

For the rest of the conversation, you aren't leading it, just trying to avoid stepping on a mine. This gives him the initiative which he used to push you back a few steps.

Me: Oh thats cool.

This is the crucial point where you dropped the ball. There were three moves there, in my opinion.

Either 1) turn the focus on him and lead (i.e., ask qualifying questions and 'deep dive' a bit, and defusing his competitiveness that way 2) wrap it up by politely qualifying him, cut the thread immediately and start talking to the girl about something else, realizing that her attention was what was being sought by both of you and going straight for it or 3) letting the energy out of the 'attack' by asking questions that are more and more disinterested but which still keep the initiative, then suddenly switch topics and inject a lot of energy back in on your terms.

The first one is risky because he was already on the attack, so leading him would be hard. Second one is a bit risky since he has just said something impressive and unless the girl has some reason to be more interested in what you say, she's probably at least going to be thinking about if for a while. Third one is a bit risky because it is the weakest response, but if the girl liked you already it could be managed, and it's probably the safest one since it requires the least investment from you.

What you did, though, by saying 'oh that's cool' was purely a waiting move while 'under attack' (not to mention a poor conversation component - it's almost never a good idea to say 'oh that's cool' unless you are about to walk off somewhere) and allowed him to do whatever he wanted on the next move. There was no pressure on him to pay any more attention to you.

I would say that the main thing to realize in this type of situation is that you must have some kind of control of the interaction, and to do this you must lead it - the same way you might move a girl to start getting compliance, it's not so much about where you lead it but the fact that you're leading it that creates a frame in which you can then decide what happens next.

 

[Glow]

he asks the questions = he leads things.

you let him

aka your passive while he drives the attention ball in a direction he wants and creates a miniisolation w the girl due to the fact that you back out.

Next time
Stay in the discussion and just be cooler than him.

1) Hes shooting himself in having to show value working w famous dancer xxx aka being tryhard - you could use that to make him even more clumsy by pressuring on his clumsy need to be something

2) Also the little acting job frame is socially brutal and you could repeat it mirror style with a small smile and eye code displaying his rudeness while being confidently rock solid and just holding the tension. Like youre laughign of his social inabilities but nonresponsive to him. Or just small signs you discards his rough being eg wrinkling your brows showing hes socially retarded.

i would prob use it to selfdepreciate even more about my "little acting skills" as it attracts women perfectly in these situations.

Slowly the girl would be attracted in my direction and avoid him due to his rough and brutal behaviors

 

[Skills]

Geez this is Just a conversation, not everything is a frame battle or you qualifying just a conversation, after you answer a question make sure you answer with a question to lead... I do acting for the fun and passion blah blah, how about you, isn't dancing your hobby?

 

[Will_V]

Geez this is Just a conversation, not everything is a frame battle or you qualifying just a conversation, after you answer a question make sure you answer with a question to lead... I do acting for the fun and passion blah blah, how about you, isn't dancing your hobby?

It's clearly a frame battle, the guy took his polite conversation, rammed it down his throat, and whisked the girl off on a different thread.

If the OP framed it better from the start, it probably wouldn't have got to that point at all, but that's where it ended up.

Normally though I do agree it's better to just ignore and lead with constructive conversation unless the person persists.

 

[Yaxir]

Cockblocked by the uber driver!

Here's my impression.



Probably a better way to phrase this. You were inviting him to get competitive by implying that being an uber driver wasn't already enough. Sure everyone knows it's not a great job but it maybe made him standoffish.

For the rest of the conversation, you aren't leading it, just trying to avoid stepping on a mine. This gives him the initiative which he used to push you back a few steps.



This is the crucial point where you dropped the ball. There were three moves there, in my opinion.

Either 1) turn the focus on him and lead (i.e., ask qualifying questions and 'deep dive' a bit, and defusing his competitiveness that way 2) wrap it up by politely qualifying him, cut the thread immediately and start talking to the girl about something else, realizing that her attention was what was being sought by both of you and going straight for it or 3) letting the energy out of the 'attack' by asking questions that are more and more disinterested but which still keep the initiative, then suddenly switch topics and inject a lot of energy back in on your terms.

The first one is risky because he was already on the attack, so leading him would be hard. Second one is a bit risky since he has just said something impressive and unless the girl has some reason to be more interested in what you say, she's probably at least going to be thinking about if for a while. Third one is a bit risky because it is the weakest response, but if the girl liked you already it could be managed, and it's probably the safest one since it requires the least investment from you.

What you did, though, by saying 'oh that's cool' was purely a waiting move while 'under attack' (not to mention a poor conversation component - it's almost never a good idea to say 'oh that's cool' unless you are about to walk off somewhere) and allowed him to do whatever he wanted on the next move. There was no pressure on him to pay any more attention to you.

I would say that the main thing to realize in this type of situation is that you must have some kind of control of the interaction, and to do this you must lead it - the same way you might move a girl to start getting compliance, it's not so much about where you lead it but the fact that you're leading it that creates a frame in which you can then decide what happens next.

Someone teach me all the fancy stuff you talk about here

"leading" and "deep dive"

 

[Skills]

It's clearly a frame battle, the guy took his polite conversation, rammed it down his throat, and whisked the girl off on a different thread.

If the OP framed it better from the start, it probably wouldn't have got to that point at all, but that's where it ended up.

Normally though I do agree it's better to just ignore and lead with constructive conversation unless the person persists.

See I am not this sensitive things like this don't bother me, I just take control of conversations... specifically by asking questions or light harded busting balls...

 

[Will_V]

Someone teach me all the fancy stuff you talk about here

"leading" and "deep dive"

Secrets to Getting Girls: The Art of the Deep Dive

One of the pillars of Chase Amante's approach toward women, deep diving is the foundation for creating deep, meaningful connections with women quickly into meeting them. Building rapport – and building a connection – is one of those things I consider myself pretty talented as a conversationalist...

www.girlschase.com

The Conversationalist

Conversation and the conversationalist: probably one of the most under-discussed topics in the social arts. What a pity. Conversation is part of the backbone upon which everything related to socializing is built upon, but in the 21st century that’s almost forgotten. You might go so far as to say...

www.girlschase.com

To me, leading means two things:

1) asking questions that lead to the topics you want to talk about
2) commenting on responses in ways that frame them the way you want them to be framed

for example, in a seduction:

1) "What do you like to do for fun?" not "What's your job?"
2) <girl says she likes to go for a walk> "yeah sometimes you just need to relax and let all the tension of the day out" framed in sensual terms, not "oh really, how many steps did you do on your fitbit?"

In a frame battle (which is what the uber driver did) he asked questions that he probably knew the OP couldn't answer because of his lack of knowledge of the field (which the OP should have owned better) and then framed himself as high status (dancing on some famous guys show) and then framed the OP as weak with "your little acting gig", and then ignored the OP's floundering response to a qualifying question to talk to the girl instead.

The uber driver was probably not trying to be malicious, but certainly wasn't looking for a warm and fuzzy conversation.

See I am not this sensitive things like this don't bother me, I just take control of conversations... specifically by asking questions or light harded busting balls...

I don't doubt it!

 

[Rakehell]

Him: Yup, so about your little acting gig. Any luck in finding jobs for that?
Me: Oh, I'm not looking for acting jobs.
Him: Oh why not? If you're in acting class, you should be going for it to the fullest.
Me: Oh, because I'm not doing it to get a job, I'm just taking it for fun. (Qualifying myself?)

I don’t think you were qualifying yourself but there wasn’t much else to go on afterward.

You could’ve kept the conversation going by saying you had other passions and acting was low on the list of things you wanted to accomplish at that point.

Then you could’ve turned it around by bringing both of them into the conversation by asking something like.

“Have you all ever felt that way? Like you have alot you want to do but can’t really find the time to do it all?”

He probably just wanted the conversation to keep going

But to answer your initial question on how to not qualify yourself, just give a non answer.

 

[johndoe]

Him: Yup, so about your little acting gig. Any luck in finding jobs for that?

@Will_V is right. I think the guy is being a dick too.

You can consider just throwing his line back to him.

You: My little acting gig?

And then just wait. Don't fill the silence. This puts him on the spot as it highlights his condescending attitude. He has no choice but to qualify himself somehow, and it puts you back in the reins of questioning.

At this point, he can either 1) acknowledge it:

Him: Oh yeah, no I didn't mean it that way.

In which case I wouldn't pursue it (you can if you want to flex on him at this point, but at this point you'd be punching down and making things tense, which may not look good on you), because he's admitted to being socially clumsy.

Or 2) ignore it and persist:

Him: Yeah, your little acting gig. You were doing scenes right?

In which case you can call him out for being condescending.

You: Hey dude, big shot, don't be condescending.

Usually, most people will be on the defense at this point, trying to qualify themselves. He's qualified himself to be somewhat of a big deal, and now you've pointed out that he's punching down, which doesn't look good on him. If he insists he's not condescending, then spell the bolded section out for him.

 

[Will_V]

@Will_V is right. I think the guy is being a dick too.

You can consider just throwing his line back to him.

You: My little acting gig?

And then just wait. Don't fill the silence. This puts him on the spot as it highlights his condescending attitude. He has no choice but to qualify himself somehow, and it puts you back in the reins of questioning.

At this point, he can either 1) acknowledge it:

Him: Oh yeah, no I didn't mean it that way.

In which case I wouldn't pursue it (you can if you want to flex on him at this point, but at this point you'd be punching down and making things tense, which may not look good on you), because he's admitted to being socially clumsy.

Or 2) ignore it and persist:

Him: Yeah, your little acting gig. You were doing scenes right?

In which case you can call him out for being condescending.

You: Hey dude, big shot, don't be condescending.

Usually, most people will be on the defense at this point, trying to qualify themselves. He's qualified himself to be somewhat of a big deal, and now you've pointed out that he's punching down, which doesn't look good on him. If he insists he's not condescending, then spell the bolded section out for him.

Personally, I don't like to be the first one to point out a problem, unless I've really got the upper hand. A lot of people are way too slick at leaving you hanging there looking like a victim, especially if they are more energetic in the interaction (and I am pretty slow burn in social settings).

When I point something out to someone, I want to be ready to 100% prove they've done something wrong. Otherwise I prefer to ignore it and reevaluate my relationship with them and where it's gone, and where I will take it from here on.

Besides, in my experience, while bystanders in a group are often ready to side with someone who gets tooled for no good reason, they generally want to see capability first, they want to see something of what you're made of. That doesn't mean being aggressive, but it does mean handling things deftly and with resilience.

 

[johndoe]

Personally, I don't like to be the first one to point out a problem, unless I've really got the upper hand. A lot of people are way too slick at leaving you hanging there looking like a victim, especially if they are more energetic in the interaction (and I am pretty slow burn in social settings).

Sure, I understand. It depends on your risk appetite too. I find situations where people try to tool you are like situations where an opponent throws a lunging cross in boxing -- it can be dangerous to stick around for a counter, but if you land it, you're getting the knockout.

In boxing, the best shots you can land are largely on the counter; and socially, when someone overextends themselves like that, these are just situations that can make you look very good for very little effort.

I wasn't comfortable dealing with these situations when I was younger too. But you can get comfortable with it the more you do it. Sure, you don't win 'em all, but that's part of the game.

Plus, sometimes pricks just need a good riposte to put them in their place.

Besides, in my experience, while bystanders in a group are often ready to side with someone who gets tooled for no good reason, they generally want to see capability first, they want to see something of what you're made of. That doesn't mean being aggressive, but it does mean handling things deftly and with resilience.

Agreed. You definitely want to tailor your responses differently depending on the audience. I don't think giving someone a taste of their own medicine is particularly aggressive, especially if they're instigating it. You just have to make sure you're not escalating it, or putting them in a spot where they have no choice but to be more aggressive (i.e. egging them on).

In my experience, people who are aggressive or attempt to tool often don't do too well at getting called out. It often gets them to work extra hard at qualifying themselves. Perhaps subconsciously, they see what they're trying to do themselves.

 

[Vision]

Yeah, while it was probably unintentional, what you said probably started the whole thing by triggering his insecurities and he tries to amog you by qualifying himself back because he felt small and disrespected by you.

You can go meta and talk about the conversation you just had together...

"Oh, yeah, most Uber drivers I meet have something else they work on outside of Uber. I didn't mean any disrespect towards you about it and I'd appreciate it if you weren't condescending and disrespectful towards me."

This is obviously confrontational but you're acknowledging his feelings and then asking for respect.

Worst case scenario, he kicks you out of the Uber. I guess he could be more of a dick towards you but that's probably not likely.

Another and nicer way of doing it would be to just acknowledge what he's doing and then change the subject.

"Oh, that's awesome man, you look like you'd be a good dancer. Oh wait... Did we just go past an In-And-Out? Have you tried their secret menu?"

And then the last way you could do it, which might even be the best way... would be to just ignore the question completely and change the subject to something more interesting...

"Oh shit, I just remembered something... Have you ever listened to (some band you like)? Concerts are happening again and they're coming to town in a couple weeks. It's going to be awesome!"

Those are my thoughts on it...