How to Stop Wanting the Approval of Women

[Bboy100]

As we speak, I'm seeing two great girls as fwbs. One of them might even be good enough to turn into a GF sometime in the near future. Regardless, I still do some day game and go on some dates just to keep my skills sharp. Well earlier today, I texted a girl who used to be SUPER into me (a couple months back). For various reasons, I didn't follow up till now. Obviously, attraction has expired by now, and she doesn't really want to see me anymore. It was more of a shot in the dark than anything else. She's barely replying to my texts, and all her response are super dodgy in nature.

This created a huge shift in me. I went from "I don't know if I should even text this girl...I don't know if I want to see her" to "I want this girl to text me back, and it bothers me at least a little bit if she doesn't". Strangely enough, the first thought actually coincides with the second. I don't necessarily want to see this girl all that much. But now that I know she's not into me anymore, it bothers me. I want her to like me, even if I don't necessarily care for her.

This is a very common pattern in all my dating. For example, I'll often go on Tinder dates, and I won't like the girl AT ALL when I meet her. Despite that, I still hope that by the end of the date, she's into me. I'll walk away from a date with a girl I'm not at all attracted to, but if I feel that she's not attracted to me, it still eats at me a little bit (or a lot, depending on the girl).

What worries me is that this desire for approval probably manifests itself in my behavior as well. I just can't see it. Any tips on dealing with this?

 

[Smith]

Self-love. I got this tip from the book "whatever arises, love that". It's called personal love statement. Basically ask yourself this "what are the words I never heard that I always wanted to hear? who in my experience hurt me the most? and what are the words they never said that really would have allowed my healing to occur?"

 

[ProblemSolving]

Bboy,

You've got to stop taking "rejection" so personally.

This is a very common pattern in all my dating. For example, I'll often go on Tinder dates, and I won't like the girl AT ALL when I meet her. Despite that, I still hope that by the end of the date, she's into me. I'll walk away from a date with a girl I'm not at all attracted to, but if I feel that she's not attracted to me, it still eats at me a little bit (or a lot, depending on the girl).

There could be a million reasons why a particular Tinder girl wasn't into you. Look at the big picture. Are most of the girls you date into you? If yes, then don't worry about what the odd one thinks. If a date doesn't go well, analyze for a little bit to see if you made any glaring mistakes and then forget about her and move onto the next one. Tinder is a bit of a crapshoot. You don't really have any idea of what their expectations are until you get them in front of you. If you're really tired of going on dates that go nowhere, then just screen the girls for DTFness before meeting up with them.

 

[Frost]

That's totally normal. When something is "taken away" from us we tend to want it even if we didn't in the first place. It happens all the time, and I don't think it's about wanting the approval of the woman, but rather wanting to be "the winner". I'm sure that if right now out of the blue she talks to you, you would go back to the way you were feeling before now that you have control.

It happened to me a couple of years ago. I was chasing a girl in my class and I asked her out and I got the LJBF response. So after that I decided to just ignore her. And guess what, as soon as I did that, all she wanted was my attention back. I would catch her looking at me from time to time, sometimes she would initiate conversation and I would respond politely. But when at any moment I get warmer with her, all the attention seeking would disappear.

 

[Bboy100]

I apologize for the long reply time guys!

It's called personal love statement. Basically ask yourself this "what are the words I never heard that I always wanted to hear? who in my experience hurt me the most? and what are the words they never said that really would have allowed my healing to occur?"

This sounds interesting! Can you tell me more about it?

Are most of the girls you date into you?

As far as Tinder is concerned, I have to say that I feel like I've lost progress. There was a time when pretty much every girl I met was into me. The only reason I didn't sleep with pretty much all of them was because of failed escalations or just moving too fast (contrary to what this site suggests, I'm starting to believe that moving too fast is very much possible). But the attraction was most definitely there. I also used to be a lot cockier (in a good way). There was a time when I would literally just assume that the girl I'm about to meet will want my dick. And I was 100% convinced of it. The girls I met could sense my confidence, which in turn made my assumption of attraction a reality.

Unfortunately, after a few harsh rejections by a couple of girls which I really liked, said confidence dissipated (still have no clue why!). This drop in confidence bled through to all my future dates. And now, it seems that only about 50% of girls are at all interested in me. Maybe less.

As far as other girls are concerned (those I meet IRL)...I usually don't really "date" them because I typically meet them through social circle. So I usually just take them home at some point after hanging out in a group setting. Or I meet them at a party, in which case it's always going to be a SNL (phone numbers acquired via night game usually don't pan out).

I've had a couple Day game dates, but they're still few and far in between because I'm still relatively bad at it.

There could be a million reasons why a particular Tinder girl wasn't into you. Look at the big picture.

This is most definitely true, and I've known it for quite a while. I guess the issue is that I'm having trouble internalizing it on an emotional level.

It happens all the time, and I don't think it's about wanting the approval of the woman, but rather wanting to be "the winner".

This might be "normal" in the sense that its very common and that most people feel this way. But it's not at all a healthy mindset to have. I'd prefer to get rid of it. And I know it's possible because I have friends who unlike me, really don't care if a girl stops liking them. Unfortunately, they can't give me any solid advice on how to do this. Cause they're just naturally like that. They never really had to develop this emotional independence like I do.

 

[ProblemSolving]

There was a time when pretty much every girl I met was into me. The only reason I didn't sleep with pretty much all of them was because of failed escalations or just moving too fast (contrary to what this site suggests, I'm starting to believe that moving too fast is very much possible).

Absolutely correct! You CAN move too fast, just like you can move too slow - it's a balancing act. Some girls will be open to fast sex while others will not and you'll never know for sure unless you escalate on them. Some girls will be very much open to first date sex and if it doesn't happen, they auto-reject and you lost a sure thing because you decided to play it safe (Those are the worst). Also, it is possible to recover from failed escalations when you understand the causes. Fast escalations that fail basically nuke your attainability. She leaves your house thinking about how you're a player that just wants to use her for sex and that there's no way you'd make a good boyfriend. I'll PM you the speech that I give after a failed escalation that has proven VERY effective at getting second date sex if you're interested.

 

[Bboy100]

and you'll never know for sure unless you escalate on them.

This is key. I've touched on this in a few of my other posts. But basically, what I've noticed is that any form of escalation on a girl=I lose her UNLESS I have sex with her that night. This even includes light kissing. I used to be very puzzled as to why this is. But now that I've finally had a instances of escalating and still getting second dates, I'm starting to understand why this happens.

I have a tendency to spike attraction really hard, but I lack a lot of the connection building necessary to keep a girl interested after I'm gone. So I'll do lots of flirting and teasing, but my deep diving/"getting to know each other" part of the conversation is too weak to warrant the amount of physical escalation that happens. So basically, what I'm doing rn is trying to calibrate myself to intuitively know when a girl feels "connected" enough to me to allow me to escalate on her and feel ok/not too slutty for it after I'm gone.

I'll PM you the speech that I give after a failed escalation that has proven VERY effective at getting second date sex if you're interested.

Yeah, go for it! This would be very helpful for me.