I hate to trauma dump like this but I genuinely have nobody to talk to about it... so...
After that infamous post I made where chase put me on blast and said to stop thinking and focus exclusively on doing until I got tangible results and that everything would "fall into place" (or something to that effect), I went and did that. I moved to the city where there were more people and I immediately started a basic college course for no purpose other than to force me to have daily exposure to a lot of people. Well, it worked. My issue was just not meeting enough girls fast enough. I'm currently right now dating a girl who is nearly all I could've asked for. But this doesn't feel like a victory. I feel worse than I ever have. No, putting my dick in her pussy didn't fix it. Here's why:
For context, when I was 15, a hispanic girl was into me and I was proxy asked me if I would fuck her. I said "When she's legal, sure." They thought I was saying I disliked her while making a bad taste joke about illegal immigration. No, I just genuinely thought it was illegal to have sex until you were an adult. I was 15, take a moment to let that sink in.
I'm 24 now. Through my entire life I've felt a constant low-level stress about needing to feel loved. I'd say it's probably related to my slow social development, but I'm not sure because I can remember it even in my oldest memories of kindergarten. Some days it would be all I could think about, but most of the time I could distract myself from it. Either way, when I finished highschool I started busting my ass to make up for lost time learning social skills for the sole purpose of quenching that desire. I had literally nothing else motivating me, and still don't. Every day I would think to myself "it's ok, once I get my social skills figured out and I meet the right girl it will go away and I can finally stop having every emotion tainted by this feeling of hollowness."
(Note: I've had plenty of male friends for years and we do stuff nearly every day, so it's not a simple social isolation problem)
But you know, I still have that need to feel loved that disrupts my daily life. Because apparently that's not achievable? I can't trust that this girl actually loves me because she'll just leave when she randomly decides that she wants kids 5 years from now? Apparently women can't love me for me, and can only love me as a vehicle to produce children? I can't imagine living the rest of my life with this constant pain in my chest. I had a suicidal thought for the first time in my life laying in bed just now, which triggered me (pun intended this time...) to get up and write this. I don't know what to do. I feel like the biggest rug in the world was yanked out from under me.
After that infamous post I made where chase put me on blast and said to stop thinking and focus exclusively on doing until I got tangible results and that everything would "fall into place" (or something to that effect), I went and did that. I moved to the city where there were more people and I immediately started a basic college course for no purpose other than to force me to have daily exposure to a lot of people. Well, it worked. My issue was just not meeting enough girls fast enough. I'm currently right now dating a girl who is nearly all I could've asked for. But this doesn't feel like a victory. I feel worse than I ever have. No, putting my dick in her pussy didn't fix it. Here's why:
For context, when I was 15, a hispanic girl was into me and I was proxy asked me if I would fuck her. I said "When she's legal, sure." They thought I was saying I disliked her while making a bad taste joke about illegal immigration. No, I just genuinely thought it was illegal to have sex until you were an adult. I was 15, take a moment to let that sink in.
I'm 24 now. Through my entire life I've felt a constant low-level stress about needing to feel loved. I'd say it's probably related to my slow social development, but I'm not sure because I can remember it even in my oldest memories of kindergarten. Some days it would be all I could think about, but most of the time I could distract myself from it. Either way, when I finished highschool I started busting my ass to make up for lost time learning social skills for the sole purpose of quenching that desire. I had literally nothing else motivating me, and still don't. Every day I would think to myself "it's ok, once I get my social skills figured out and I meet the right girl it will go away and I can finally stop having every emotion tainted by this feeling of hollowness."
(Note: I've had plenty of male friends for years and we do stuff nearly every day, so it's not a simple social isolation problem)
But you know, I still have that need to feel loved that disrupts my daily life. Because apparently that's not achievable? I can't trust that this girl actually loves me because she'll just leave when she randomly decides that she wants kids 5 years from now? Apparently women can't love me for me, and can only love me as a vehicle to produce children? I can't imagine living the rest of my life with this constant pain in my chest. I had a suicidal thought for the first time in my life laying in bed just now, which triggered me (pun intended this time...) to get up and write this. I don't know what to do. I feel like the biggest rug in the world was yanked out from under me.