I just got auto-rejected... HELP!

[Garrett]

Hey guys, Garrett here!

I really need some help, especially if you would consider yourself more advanced with dealing with auto-rejection...

So I befriended this girl who is of the same race as me. I won't specify due to confidentiality, but for some reason, we really clicked and I really enjoyed having her as a friend. She's from my ethnic country so she is foreign, and when I met her, I didn't really know what I was doing with girls (this was like 3 months ago). So as I got to know her, she started to feel more close to me and eventually it got to a point where I think she started liking me but due to societal influence, especially in her homeland, she was conservative and wasn't as obvious/giving signs of interest as other girls. She's pretty extreme too, saying, "I've never dated, where I'm from girls who date are seen as trashy, the guy I date will be the guy I marry, and that will be when I'm in my mid twenties." Anyways, I can recall shortly over a month ago, I was in a text conversation with her, and I was being kind of annoying towards her. I admit it, I was being stupid and sending her all of these random subtle yet sexual messages as a joke. Then she said, "Please stop, this is annoying."

I think I was doing it because I wanted to help her get accustomed to how society is over here. She's a very conservative girl, she doesn't go out to people's houses, but at the same time, she's really cool, has taught me a lot about my cultural roots, and she knows where all of the cultural events/parties are, which I'm intrigued to learn more about. If this was any other girl I'd cut her, but this one I actually value/benefit from to, and I provided value to her as well. Anyways, I was just trying to help her understand that where I live (in Canada), you are free to express yourself more, although most girls, even here, don't go around talking about sex, just like in the States. Maybe I came off like an asshole, but I mean, she texted me back and I stopped texting her after that. In fact, I actually deleted her number from my phone because she was pretty snobby and ignorant about her country (mine too I suppose). I tried telling her that you shouldn't judge people by their race, and it's clear her parents have raised her to be a bit ignorant based on what she tells me. For example, her parents will only allow her to marry someone of the same race, her parents are all about money, and they just lack a social intuition, one which I was attempting to help her improve upon.

Fast forward to now... I decided I'd hit her up because we were going back to school and we used to hangout often before the break. On facebook, the message says "seen" and ever since that text conversation we last had, she started distancing herself from me and it was pretty obvious... She was always in a hurry and would do her best to avoid me. Clear sign.

Maybe it's her parents' influence, I don't know, but she's showing the signs of auto-rejection, and unlike the others from my past, I don't quite know what I did to trigger this. I wasn't overly vulgar, but maybe in her eyes I came across that way. So yesterday I sent her a message saying, "Hey (name)! It's been a while, how you been? I've been busy myself, anyways let me know what's new with you! " She saw it and never responded. I've been auto-rejected in the past, and every time it was for moving slowly. I don't really think I was an ass hole at any point with this girl nor did I move slowly because I was never overly interested in her. Is there a way of apologizing to the girl without coming across as an indominant bitch? I think she was attracted to me because I was so dominant around her, and she saw me with new girls all the time so the preselection kicked in. It never was my intention to do anything with her, because if it was, I would have tried escalating and moving forward with her from the get go. I don't recall setting any improper frames to lead her on, except I sent her a few sexually related texts that one night when I said something like, "It's okay for girls to want sex, I know you do and it's normal ". Based on her reactions when I occasionally would tell her something like that, she started getting in defensive mode so I dropped it, and now I'm confused...

Didn't get much sleep last night so sorry if some parts don't make sense, hope you understand where I'm coming from! She's kind of a dick and a pessimist due to her ignorance, but she's one of the few people I felt a real connection with and she's a high value girl I enjoyed spending time with (despite a few annoying qualities of hers). Also, I'm persistent so if I don't get my way I'm the type to find another way to make things work. If I messed up I'd be absolutely willing to take responsibility for what I've done. Typically I'd move on as I said, but I don't want to give up just yet. I'm planning on messaging her again today to actually get her to reply so we can talk (I'll lead the conversation to setting up a meet in person), just wasn't sure how to go about this... was hoping you guys could help me out

Cheers,
Garrett

 

[The Tool]

Hey Garrett I dont want to be the once to burst your bubble but it appears that this is essentially over. Shes already not responded to a couple of messeges and obviously does not want to talk to you. The ONLY way to salvage this "well attempt to" is to win her over in person. as much as it sucks to hear if a girl wants to talk to you she will. Which she isnt. Girls with different backgrounds like this are something I really do not have experience with for if a girl was like what you pictured I myself would not even bother because it would be too much work. I know you realize you should drop her and dont want me saying too...but you gotta do what ya gotta do..

Cheers, The Tool

 

[Just_Dave]

Hey Garrett I dont want to be the once to burst your bubble but it appears that this is essentially over. Shes already not responded to a couple of messeges and obviously does not want to talk to you. The ONLY way to salvage this "well attempt to" is to win her over in person. as much as it sucks to hear if a girl wants to talk to you she will. Which she isnt. Girls with different backgrounds like this are something I really do not have experience with for if a girl was like what you pictured I myself would not even bother because it would be too much work. I know you realize you should drop her and dont want me saying too...but you gotta do what ya gotta do..

Cheers, The Tool

I'm going with The Tool on this one, and as a side note people who show signs of being "closed minded" don't take criticism too well.

I tried telling her that you shouldn't judge people by their race, and it's clear her parents have raised her to be a bit ignorant based on what she tells me.

Came off a little harsh, proper framing could easily prevented this. "I like how your accepting of other people's beliefs even if you don't agree with them." Just wait until you see her in person.

Just Dave

 

[Garrett]

Hey Tool and Just Dave, thanks for the advice!

In particular, Dave, I'll remember the framing for next time! Before posting, I was thinking of sending her my second message today because Chase said if she doesn't respond, you give her a day of radio silence then try again. Then again, this is a specific auto-rejection case and she evidently has no interest in talking to me. I'm just pissed because I tried to be such a good friend and the appreciation is her going cold? I'm not being harsh imo, if someone is ignorant then they are ignorant; however, you're right Dave, I could have framed things better. I was trying to describe the situation as accurately and fairly as possible, open to admitting I screwed up. At the same time, despite my reasonable understanding of auto-rejection, I still am unable to see where in particular I made the fault, and it's extremely frustrating!

Tool and Dave, you reckon I try to improve things in person? I agree with your suggestion, and that's what I'm trying to do; however, I was trying to rebuild a little rapport online then cut straight to asking her to see me in person to resolve this. Reason being? That's the only way I'll be able to see her, it could be months before we run into each other again. Also, when you are with an auto-rejection girl in person, do you have any advice on how to handle things despite the girl being ice cold to your face? In other words, what's the best way to go about communicating with an auto-rejection girl in person? I'm going to stop worrying about her, but if I see her around I'll make an attempt, just wanted to know if you guys have any specific, in-person advice on how to handle things smoothly, appropriately, and efficiently.

Appreciate the feedback,
Garrett

 

[The Tool]

Dealing with auto rejection in person isnt too difficult.
Essentially when you bump into her in person you have to set it off as if nothing happened and the friendship was never broken. I.E things are only awkward if you make it awkward. DO NOT bring up any topics that lead to the auto rejection at all, as in dont talk about sex, key off the sexual framing which appears to be what turned her off. Talk about how life has been, any thing new, new topics, talk about yourself abit, elaborate on things which means to streatch off a bit from chase's teaches, get her relating to you. Then at a high point get her to agree to a date like coffee or something as simple as hanging out at her place. Then your experienced enough where I dont have to explain further

Cheers, The Tool

 

[Flames]

This isn't auto-rejection. Auto rejection is when a girl who likes you, backs off because she thinks she can never truly have you in the way she wants.

This is plain old straight forward rejection, you tried to change her, not by leading but by pointing out where she's 'wrong'. Everyone is entitled to their beliefs, however misguided.

There is no way to salvage this, sorry

 

[Garrett]

Hey Tool and Flames!

Thanks for the ideas/advice! I wasn't forcing my views on her, I was explaining, from a logical perspective, why I disagreed with her on some things. I never bashed her views or insulted her, I tried to be supportive and to help her see a more realistic interpretation and understanding of my country/Western society. She told me she liked me, so it could have been auto-rejection, I don't know. What I wanted to know is how I messed up, I'm still not convinced of where things went wrong, perhaps i moved too slowly for a conservative-minded girl? I digress, and my memory is poor of my interactions due to lack of monitoring on my part. Anyways, time to move on, you guys are right!

Cheers,
Garrett

 

[Franco]

Hey Garrett,

The others have covered a lot here in terms of the situation, and it seems like it could be pretty dead in the water at this point, but there's a more important topic I'd like to bring up:

I tried telling her that you shouldn't judge people by their race, and it's clear her parents have raised her to be a bit ignorant based on what she tells me.

This might seem a bit twisted at first, but I think you'll see the logic behind what I say here. By trying to tell her that "[she] shouldn't judge people by their race" you are actually being judgmental of her! The worst thing you can always do with women is try to "logically" change their views on the world. Although you understand that it was most likely her upbringing that led her to these views, you also have to understand that these views have probably been with her for a very long time and might have even be instilled in her by her parents. So by trying to logically explain why her views are incorrect, you may just end up insulting her (and even her family) and pushing her away.

As you probably already know, we heavily emphasize showing women on this website what kind of man you are. Instead of trying to retort her views or accusations, you are better off replying with something along the lines of, "well I can see where you are coming from. It must be a very different culture from the way things are over here. Maybe you'll find that our way of life over here is something worth exploring some more..." (and possibly leave her with a smile as if you know she is going to like what you have in store for her). Always focus on showing women how great things can be. Always frame her negative, conservative views as just "different" and something that you find intriguing while at the same time being a positive guy who is able to show her that there is more to you than meets the eye.

In general, however, I tend to avoid these types of women. It is usually a complete turn-off when women try to impose their views on me (and it shows signs of future attempts at manipulation and drama), especially before I've even created a strong emotional connection with them, but I know that some men might enjoy the challenge. If you do, just make sure you know how to handle it correctly.

Hope this helps!

- Franco

 

[Garrett]

Tool, Dave, Flames, and Franco thanks for all the advice!

Now to update you guys on what happened...

Basically I just messaged her explaining that it wasn't my intention to be judgmental, and that I respect her unique cultural views. She basically responded saying she's happy I understand now and now we're friends again .

Franco in particular, your comment really clarified what I was doing wrong, and I wasn't trying to be judgmental, but now I'm aware I was coming across that way. The thing is, when I came across the blogsite, my logic was basically raped by logic Chase put forth in his posts among other posters. So after experiencing this I was like, "Wow, I'm looking at things all wrong! Cool, now I can make changes and laugh at all the stupid mistakes I made in the past!" Well because of that, I thought that doing the same thing to girls with logic would make them feel the same way, but it really doesn't at all.

When I did write to her, she said she was meaning to send me a message but it didn't get sent (I call bullshit on this, but I digress ). I think my persistence helped in this case and if she didn't respond to me I would have stopped with the messages. It's hard to be persistent though without looking desperate/like you're chasing so I almost NEVER will try again once I know I've screwed up. On the contrary, I'm pretty skeptical and if I don't fully understand something, I'll go out and try it and learn the hard way. That's what I did with this girl and it worked!

Never in my message did I say, "I'm sorry" or directly apologize. I did what Chase suggested by explaining yourself and admitting you made a mistake without saying "I'm sorry".

Oh, forgot to mention... due to my 'luck' with this girl, I tried to use this approach on another girl and it didn't work, not that I really expected it to. I think if you have a girl in auto-rejection and you know how you screwed up and try to explain to her that you were unaware of it at the time, she may respond warmly. Part of it depends on if she's social circle, because the one girl I wasn't social circle with wanted nothing to do with me, but the others were more forgiving. If you try this on a social circle girl or a girl who was your friend before, you may be able to undo the auto-rejection... well at least get to a point where you are talking to her again. Ideally, it's better to just see her in person and act like nothing ever happened like Tool suggested, but the fact that I barely see some girls in person due to my schedule, I wanted to give this a go.

Onward and upward,
Garrett

 

[Flames]

Nice work Garret and it seems you did exactly the right thing at the right time. The thing with some women is they can be very forgiving as long as you realise what it is you did 'wrong' (and remember that's a subjective thing) without apology, you need to rectify it.

Also when she says she was meaning to call you, she doesn't mean she was logically going to call you, she means she was thinking about it when you 'made ammends'. Remember women rarely say exactly what they mean

Anyway it's good that you scraped this one back and you've obviously learned a few things in the process.