I think I put her in auto-reject – can i fix it and restore our dynamic?

[doubletwice]

Hi!

I’ve been reading the forums and appreciate the great advice here. I’m 35, from Europe, and while I’ve never been a top seducer I didn't really struggle with women before, I’ve recently lost some of my game, and feel badly calibrated. I’d love some advice on a specific situation – within maybe som unusual context.

I met a girl during my vacation in an African country a few months ago, and we instantly clicked. We spent a few days together, and later she visited me at another location. Early on, she mentioned being afraid of falling for a tourist, but our chemistry was great.

She started to like me a lot, but I naturally had my reservations. I was in a place where white men are often seen as walking wallets, and she’s a woman with a past – a single mom, former bartender, etc. We did some awesome stuff together and people around us noticed our dynamic.

When I returned home, we kept in touch. We flirted, bantered, and discussed her visiting me, and I offered to pay half the cost.

I was still that relaxed, confident guy who didn’t place any demands on her—a refreshing change from her everyday life.

Eventually, she indirectly asked for full help with travel costs, outwardly she said she had a lot going on and didn't get payed but if we wait for some time it will be better. I overreacted, became needy, and pushed guilt – mostly because I felt it was excuses.

We then lost touch for two weeks.

In the meantime, she posted things on social media that could be interpreted as relating to our situation. I think this was when she started to auto-reject because I didn’t genuinely try to “repair” things, I was needy and the mentality: "If he really likes me, he should pay."

When I reached out again, she said she still wanted to visit me and she really liked me and wanted to spend more time with me, even though our last conversation about it hadn’t gone well. I showed understanding about her situation this time and told her there was no pressure. I think I should have let the conversation rest a little bit here.

The few messages that followed after she was still cold and neutral. She suggested visiting next month, but it felt half-hearted.

When New Year’s Eve came, I decided to send a message to provoke a reaction and possibly spark some tests:

“…and that you find someone who tolerates you.”

Her response was “I don’t think I’m hard to tolerate and definitely didn’t think you were this sick of me.”

Instead of leaving things there, where I’d regained a bit of the upper hand and she might have contacted me in a week or so, I tried to recover with more banter. Since then, she’s been ignoring my messages.

Me: "To be honest you are a bit stubborn. I didn’t realize I did hit a nerve."
Me: "But that’s definitely a part of my vacation, was fun with you."
Her: "I’m confused now about whether you like it or dislike it."
Me: "Maybe you are just stubborn enough to overthink it . It’s a cute part of your personality, but not 24/7."
Her: "Good to know"
Me: "I knew you would agree."
Her: "Do I have any chocie?"
Me: "Of course. But stubborn people have less options ."
Me: Sent her a photo and a question.

Now ignored for a couple of days.

I don't want her to visit me, but instead to feel excited about meeting me when I visit her country in a couple of months. How can I reignite the communication without coming across as desperate or needy? Maybe call her to break the ice and say and choose some strategic weakness? Would it be smarter to hit her up when I'm in the country...because I don't think she will reach out to me first.

She´s a good and fun girl, who had a tough life. She has a bit of an ego and pride though – I think theres some cultural differences, but I think overall we had a great and genuine dynamic.

(Posted this in the relationship board, but I think it's more correct here.)

 

[loolapaluza]

You dont need to text her constantly.

I’m 35

Me: "To be honest you are a bit stubborn. I didn’t realize I did hit a nerve."
Me: "But that’s definitely a part of my vacation, was fun with you."
Her: "I’m confused now about whether you like it or dislike it."
Me: "Maybe you are just stubborn enough to overthink it . It’s a cute part of your personality, but not 24/7."
Her: "Good to know"
Me: "I knew you would agree."
Her: "Do I have any chocie?"
Me: "Of course. But stubborn people have less options ."
Me: Sent her a photo and a question.

Sorry,but for me its like was written by 15 y.o teenager.
If you didnt shag her,more likely that your train is gone.Now you long distance.
Whats the point of this communication?You live in other country,dont bother her without reason
Send her something like-"Hey,it was nice to meet you,i`ll let you know when i`ll be in your country next time.Keep in touch"

white men are often seen as walking wallets

>>

she indirectly asked for full help with travel costs

In the meantime, she posted things on social media that could be interpreted as relating to our situation. I think this was when she started to auto-reject because I didn’t genuinely try to “repair” things, I was needy and the mentality: "If he really likes me, he should pay."

Stop checking her social media

Sorry for my English

 

[doubletwice]

You dont need to text her constantly.


Sorry,but for me its like was written by 15 y.o teenager.
If you didnt shag her,more likely that your train is gone.Now you long distance.
Whats the point of this communication?You live in other country,dont bother her without reason
Send her something like-"Hey,it was nice to meet you,i`ll let you know when i`ll be in your country next time.Keep in touch"


>>



Stop checking her social media

Sorry for my English

Thank you for your reply!

Looking back, I realize I came across as childish, by being hot and cold chasing a reaction.

There wasn’t a need to maintain daily contact, but at the time, I thought it was important to keep things warm. Now, in hindsight, I see I should have deescalated the communication instead.

We did shag constantly.

My overall outlook on the situation now, is that it was too early to invite her to visit me. Considering that I invited her it makes sense that I should pay for her trip - why would she visit a guy for a fuckfest and still pay for it?

better course of action would have been to hint at a deeper connection and plan to meet her again when I return to her country.

I think the suggestion offered by you is a great way forward - and then reach out when I’m back, that would be easy if I played my cards right. However I’m operating from a weak position, to turn around the sour dynamic and leave things neutral, without seeming desperate.

Unfortunately, my last message came across as insulting, even though I meant it as a joke. My aim is to repair the tone enough to leave the door open for a potential meeting in the future.

Maybe there is no better way then just write something like your suggestion and then hit her up in a couple of months.

 

[loolapaluza]

So what do you want?
Relationships?In that case someone should relocate,you come to her,or she with child move to you.
Casual flings? More likely she will lose interest.

 

[loolapaluza]

Just find someone in your country

 

[doubletwice]

So what do you want?
Relationships?In that case someone should relocate,you come to her,or she with child move to you.
Casual flings? More likely she will lose interest.

I’m open to a relationship with her if the circumstances are right.

The short term goal is to act in a way that increases her interest while leaving the door open for a potential meet-up when I return.

Ideally, we’d reconnect there, and if things go well, I could consider flying her to me afterward.

Right now, I’m unsure of where she stands or what she thinks. My concern is that I might have sent too many “just passing through” signals, especially since I didn’t offer to pay for the ticket. This may have reinforced the idea that I wasn’t serious about her.

I see two possible approaches:

Block her on WhatsApp
If she reacts by reaching out through another channel in the future it shows her interest. If she doesn’t, it would be a cool off period and can try to reconnect on my terms when I’m back.
However she might see it as immature or final, instead of becoming intrigued.

Call her and reset the tone
This would keep things on good terms and allow me to casually mention that I’ll be visiting in a couple of months. However, there’s a risk she might perceive this as needy, which could weaken my position for future contact.

If she’s already leaning away, this could reinforce any perception of neediness.

 

[doubletwice]

I’m pretty sure no one ever blocked her and it would stir up feelings and curiosity , but I don’t know.

 

[loolapaluza]

Block her on WhatsApp

Dont do that

Tactics Tuesdays: Who Should Use a BIHC Text?

The ball-in-her-court text can be very effective at getting flaky girls onto dates. It’s also easy to misuse, however… and even sabotage your attractiveness with. Recently on the forum we had a relatively new member claiming the ball-in-her-court text “doesn’t work” for him, and that women can...

www.girlschase.com

Theres a part about blocking/deleting people.
Chase have a good articles about almost everytning.
I have no experience in long distance relationship,such kind of things is not for me.
Whatever decision you make,be sure you think clearly:

Can't Stop Thinking About Her? Here's Why You Need to Meet More Girls

You know that feeling. There's this girl you've been chasing forever. You positively, absolutely, can't stop thinking about her. She's the most amazing woman in the world -- you're certain of it. There's never been another one like her. Her laughter sounds like the delicate tinkling of the...

www.girlschase.com

 

[Will_V]

Hi!

I’ve been reading the forums and appreciate the great advice here. I’m 35, from Europe, and while I’ve never been a top seducer I didn't really struggle with women before, I’ve recently lost some of my game, and feel badly calibrated. I’d love some advice on a specific situation – within maybe som unusual context.

I met a girl during my vacation in an African country a few months ago, and we instantly clicked. We spent a few days together, and later she visited me at another location. Early on, she mentioned being afraid of falling for a tourist, but our chemistry was great.

She started to like me a lot, but I naturally had my reservations. I was in a place where white men are often seen as walking wallets, and she’s a woman with a past – a single mom, former bartender, etc. We did some awesome stuff together and people around us noticed our dynamic.

When I returned home, we kept in touch. We flirted, bantered, and discussed her visiting me, and I offered to pay half the cost.

I was still that relaxed, confident guy who didn’t place any demands on her—a refreshing change from her everyday life.

Eventually, she indirectly asked for full help with travel costs, outwardly she said she had a lot going on and didn't get payed but if we wait for some time it will be better. I overreacted, became needy, and pushed guilt – mostly because I felt it was excuses.

We then lost touch for two weeks.

In the meantime, she posted things on social media that could be interpreted as relating to our situation. I think this was when she started to auto-reject because I didn’t genuinely try to “repair” things, I was needy and the mentality: "If he really likes me, he should pay."

When I reached out again, she said she still wanted to visit me and she really liked me and wanted to spend more time with me, even though our last conversation about it hadn’t gone well. I showed understanding about her situation this time and told her there was no pressure. I think I should have let the conversation rest a little bit here.

The few messages that followed after she was still cold and neutral. She suggested visiting next month, but it felt half-hearted.

When New Year’s Eve came, I decided to send a message to provoke a reaction and possibly spark some tests:

“…and that you find someone who tolerates you.”

Her response was “I don’t think I’m hard to tolerate and definitely didn’t think you were this sick of me.”

Instead of leaving things there, where I’d regained a bit of the upper hand and she might have contacted me in a week or so, I tried to recover with more banter. Since then, she’s been ignoring my messages.

Me: "To be honest you are a bit stubborn. I didn’t realize I did hit a nerve."
Me: "But that’s definitely a part of my vacation, was fun with you."
Her: "I’m confused now about whether you like it or dislike it."
Me: "Maybe you are just stubborn enough to overthink it . It’s a cute part of your personality, but not 24/7."
Her: "Good to know"
Me: "I knew you would agree."
Her: "Do I have any chocie?"
Me: "Of course. But stubborn people have less options ."
Me: Sent her a photo and a question.

Now ignored for a couple of days.

I don't want her to visit me, but instead to feel excited about meeting me when I visit her country in a couple of months. How can I reignite the communication without coming across as desperate or needy? Maybe call her to break the ice and say and choose some strategic weakness? Would it be smarter to hit her up when I'm in the country...because I don't think she will reach out to me first.

She´s a good and fun girl, who had a tough life. She has a bit of an ego and pride though – I think theres some cultural differences, but I think overall we had a great and genuine dynamic.

(Posted this in the relationship board, but I think it's more correct here.)

You lost sense of the dynamic between you. She's supposed to be the one playing little emotional games, while you are the one who just goes ahead and does what he wants. Instead it's almost the other way around.

I get a sense you feel a bit out of your depth with this girl, like she de facto has the initiative between you. These girls who grow up in difficult circumstances and soldier through can be very attractive personality wise (I know, I had a relationship with one), but you have to a) be sure that's the sort of girl you actually want and b) be on your A game when it comes to frame control. The single mom aspect wildly complicates things - I've never had a single mom as a gf but I know what it does with a woman's personality. She can get very disagreeable and self-centered (partly kid-centered) and that can easily make a guy feel like he needs to be more acquiescent, when that would set up the wrong frame entirely. Whether you want to deal with that or not is up to you, personally I don't and don't plan to date single moms for a variety of reasons.

The objective dynamic here is that you are extremely valuable to her, which means that she should have to earn things from you, by being pleasant and accommodating and giving you what you want. If she ended up in a serious relationship with you, she'd get tons of benefits - a passport to a first world country, security for her kid, a much better life, etc. You get her, as she is, with the hope she stays the woman you started off with. So that's the frame you need to keep in mind when you're dealing with her. It's very easy to get rose tinted glasses from a vacation experience.

That doesn't mean she's a bad girl, but she is a creature of her circumstances.

As far as what to do now, the way I see it, you need to take back the frame by going radio silent a little while. Personally I'd go silent until she contacts you - if she doesn't contact you, well who's the one willing to walk away from the deal? Then once she was in touch I'd be honest - say that's not how I like to communicate and I shouldn't have been like that, and go from there.

Be careful with your step bro, these girls are very hard to drop. I'm not one of those guys who thinks women are all out to use men - I mean, if I was a woman and I had a kid, I'd be falling in love with some stud who comes over to visit. There's probably nothing wrong with her motivations. But you have to be sure it's what you want, because you'll be carrying it all on your shoulders.

 

[AspiringStoic]

I’m open to a relationship with her if the circumstances are right.

The short term goal is to act in a way that increases her interest while leaving the door open for a potential meet-up when I return.

Ideally, we’d reconnect there, and if things go well, I could consider flying her to me afterward.

Right now, I’m unsure of where she stands or what she thinks. My concern is that I might have sent too many “just passing through” signals, especially since I didn’t offer to pay for the ticket. This may have reinforced the idea that I wasn’t serious about her.

I see two possible approaches:

Block her on WhatsApp
If she reacts by reaching out through another channel in the future it shows her interest. If she doesn’t, it would be a cool off period and can try to reconnect on my terms when I’m back.
However she might see it as immature or final, instead of becoming intrigued.

Call her and reset the tone
This would keep things on good terms and allow me to casually mention that I’ll be visiting in a couple of months. However, there’s a risk she might perceive this as needy, which could weaken my position for future contact.

If she’s already leaning away, this could reinforce any perception of neediness.

Old school PUA had a very apt saying for your situation.

GTFO and GFTOW!!

Get The Fuck Out (of this situation) and Go Find/Fuck Ten Other Women.

Anything other than this will be a band aid solution. Your problem is the neediness and the scarcity you are in.

You can try to apply a band aid to it (get this particular girl so you temporarily escape these feelings) or you can work on yourself and reach a place of non-neediness and abundance.

I highly recommend the latter.

 

[doubletwice]

You lost sense of the dynamic between you. She's supposed to be the one playing little emotional games, while you are the one who just goes ahead and does what he wants. Instead it's almost the other way around.

I get a sense you feel a bit out of your depth with this girl, like she de facto has the initiative between you. These girls who grow up in difficult circumstances and soldier through can be very attractive personality wise (I know, I had a relationship with one), but you have to a) be sure that's the sort of girl you actually want and b) be on your A game when it comes to frame control. The single mom aspect wildly complicates things - I've never had a single mom as a gf but I know what it does with a woman's personality. She can get very disagreeable and self-centered (partly kid-centered) and that can easily make a guy feel like he needs to be more acquiescent, when that would set up the wrong frame entirely. Whether you want to deal with that or not is up to you, personally I don't and don't plan to date single moms for a variety of reasons.

The objective dynamic here is that you are extremely valuable to her, which means that she should have to earn things from you, by being pleasant and accommodating and giving you what you want. If she ended up in a serious relationship with you, she'd get tons of benefits - a passport to a first world country, security for her kid, a much better life, etc. You get her, as she is, with the hope she stays the woman you started off with. So that's the frame you need to keep in mind when you're dealing with her. It's very easy to get rose tinted glasses from a vacation experience.

That doesn't mean she's a bad girl, but she is a creature of her circumstances.

As far as what to do now, the way I see it, you need to take back the frame by going radio silent a little while. Personally I'd go silent until she contacts you - if she doesn't contact you, well who's the one willing to walk away from the deal? Then once she was in touch I'd be honest - say that's not how I like to communicate and I shouldn't have been like that, and go from there.

Be careful with your step bro, these girls are very hard to drop. I'm not one of those guys who thinks women are all out to use men - I mean, if I was a woman and I had a kid, I'd be falling in love with some stud who comes over to visit. There's probably nothing wrong with her motivations. But you have to be sure it's what you want, because you'll be carrying it all on your shoulders.

Thank you for the on-point reply; it prompted me to reflect deeply.

Yes, it definitely turned around. She tested me a lot, likely to see if I was strong, dependable, and worth her emotional investment. I passed those tests confidently and gracefully countless times, both in person and in our later connection.

However, two key things caused the dynamic to shift:

First, inviting her to visit too soon after we met was a fundamental error. The real James Bond move – would have been to recreate the magic by visiting her first and, if I later chose, bringing her to me on my terms and paying – not out of fear of losing the connection.

My urgency showed insecurity, surprising her and deviating from the confident man she was drawn to.

Second, I mishandled specific opportunities to regain control. After two weeks of silence following my overreaction to her financial indirect request visiting me, I handed her emotional leverage. Instead I should just have said, we deal it, with patience.

When I reached out after two weeks of silence (despite her indirect social media posts), I was already playing catch-up to regain frame. A quick call earlier, stating that I don’t like to communicate this way, might have recalibrated the frame.

A few days of neutral messages and her half-hearted suggestion to visit in February kept her in control, rather than me subtly shifting the dynamic to encourage her to work for my attention.

Looking back, her liking me was likely genuine but also tied to the practical benefits I represent. I reacted emotionally to her actions instead of considering the context of her circumstances.

At this point, I doubt she’ll contact me first—not because she doesn’t care, but because my inconsistent behavior, and loss of frame, likely cooled her feelings. I missed chances to reassert control, take accountability, and clear up misunderstandings, while my actions sent mixed signals in a culture where providing signifies care. In her eyes, I introduced her to a vibe I couldn’t maintain, which likely set her into auto-reject.

Given her sensitivity and pride, my actions likely made her retreat, and she may see the emotional risk of re-engaging as not worth it. She might also view the deal as off the table or simply no longer care.

That said, a long-term relationship is unrealistic, but I strongly believe we can reconnect in person. She’s jealous, sensitive, and emotional, so I think I need to nudge her unpredictably to reignite her curiosity.

But how, I don't know, to leave the door open for her to re-engage—or at least respond positively when I contact her again while in her country.

Because, a straight call I guess, would still keep me in her frame, and not giving me the opportunity to show I’m a prize she can’t afford to overlook. If not just calling her to "catch up", like nothing happened..

 

[doubletwice]

Old school PUA had a very apt saying for your situation.

GTFO and GFTOW!!

Get The Fuck Out (of this situation) and Go Find/Fuck Ten Other Women.

Anything other than this will be a band aid solution. Your problem is the neediness and the scarcity you are in.

You can try to apply a band aid to it (get this particular girl so you temporarily escape these feelings) or you can work on yourself and reach a place of non-neediness and abundance.

I highly recommend the latter.

Thank you for the reply.

Those are two excellent principles that I’m well aware of. Following them would certainly help both in the short and long term to some extent, but I feel this situation is more nuanced than that.

I could choose to leave the situation entirely, but there’s also an opportunity here—to learn and to create an amazing experience with her again. What drives me in seduction isn’t just the physical aspect; it’s the emotional depth and the challenge of navigating situations that balance on a knife’s edge.

Since her, I’ve been with other women, some younger, some more conventionally attractive.

What makes this situation unique, and perhaps puts me in a scarcity or needy mindset, is more than just the relationship itself. For me, this is an exotic experience—she offers something I can’t find with anyone else in this country.

BUT,

The neediness and scarcity I feel is definitely tied to some dissatisfaction i feel with my current routine in my everyday life. The real long-term solution lies in addressing the root causes of my dissatisfaction and creating circumstances where I naturally feel a sense of non-neediness and abundance all time.

It might just be a temporary fix, but I don’t believe that pursuing this and working on myself are mutually exclusive.

 

[loolapaluza]

I’m open to a relationship with her if the circumstances are right.

The short term goal is to act in a way that increases her interest while leaving the door open for a potential meet-up when I return.

Ideally, we’d reconnect there, and if things go well, I could consider flying her to me afterward

Seems like you dont know what you want.
In my opinion this is the root of your problem.And she feels that,whats the point investing in a guy that lives in another country?
If you want her someone should relocate(and that means you should take responsebilities)
Or your relationships is just a casual fling,till the time when she finds more suitable guy.Then she just lose interest.
Also you cant raise her interest via texting.

 

[doubletwice]

Seems like you dont know what you want.
In my opinion this is the root of your problem.And she feels that,whats the point investing in a guy that lives in another country?
If you want her someone should relocate(and that means you should take responsebilities)
Or your relationships is just a casual fling, till the time when she finds more suitable guy.Then she just lose interest.
Also you cant raise her interest via texting.

You bring up valid points. Relationships across borders require clarity and commitment. Right now, it seems unrealistic, as it’s a hard situation for me to navigate due to earlier mistakes, which makes it challenging to rebuild frame and trust and move towards a relationship.

However, we did have some surface-level conversations about this, and she knows that I’m in a flexible situation and exploring alternatives to avoid being tied to my home country.

And you’re right, time and interest won’t wait forever. As I mentioned, I think I messed up by not reaching out or trying to reconcile through phone after we stopped communicating. She probably felt that she had invested a lot and didn’t trust my intentions.

Texting is a bad medium, yes. Shared experiences and Face to face connection are crucial. And in this situation I don't know what to do, since it's been over one week since she didn't reply to my message and would put me in a weak position to just call her out of the blue, and remain a balance of showing intent and not coming across as needy.

I think she’s very hypervigilant to signs that might look like rejection, even when they’re not. Because she’s quite avoidant and afraid of rejection, she doesn’t bring it up directly.

Or your relationships is just a casual fling, till the time when she finds more suitable guy.Then she just lose interest.
Maybe this is what happened, but still she texted me back quickly when I reached out.

 

[AspiringStoic]

It might just be a temporary fix, but I don’t believe that pursuing this and working on myself are mutually exclusive

They are. The more you write, think, analyse, write about this "exotic" girl the more time, energy, resources you are wasting that you could have spent working on actually becoming good with women in general.

 

[Will_V]

Thank you for the on-point reply; it prompted me to reflect deeply.

Yes, it definitely turned around. She tested me a lot, likely to see if I was strong, dependable, and worth her emotional investment. I passed those tests confidently and gracefully countless times, both in person and in our later connection.

However, two key things caused the dynamic to shift:

First, inviting her to visit too soon after we met was a fundamental error. The real James Bond move – would have been to recreate the magic by visiting her first and, if I later chose, bringing her to me on my terms and paying – not out of fear of losing the connection.

My urgency showed insecurity, surprising her and deviating from the confident man she was drawn to.

Second, I mishandled specific opportunities to regain control. After two weeks of silence following my overreaction to her financial indirect request visiting me, I handed her emotional leverage. Instead I should just have said, we deal it, with patience.

When I reached out after two weeks of silence (despite her indirect social media posts), I was already playing catch-up to regain frame. A quick call earlier, stating that I don’t like to communicate this way, might have recalibrated the frame.

A few days of neutral messages and her half-hearted suggestion to visit in February kept her in control, rather than me subtly shifting the dynamic to encourage her to work for my attention.

Looking back, her liking me was likely genuine but also tied to the practical benefits I represent. I reacted emotionally to her actions instead of considering the context of her circumstances.

At this point, I doubt she’ll contact me first—not because she doesn’t care, but because my inconsistent behavior, and loss of frame, likely cooled her feelings. I missed chances to reassert control, take accountability, and clear up misunderstandings, while my actions sent mixed signals in a culture where providing signifies care. In her eyes, I introduced her to a vibe I couldn’t maintain, which likely set her into auto-reject.

Given her sensitivity and pride, my actions likely made her retreat, and she may see the emotional risk of re-engaging as not worth it. She might also view the deal as off the table or simply no longer care.

That said, a long-term relationship is unrealistic, but I strongly believe we can reconnect in person. She’s jealous, sensitive, and emotional, so I think I need to nudge her unpredictably to reignite her curiosity.

But how, I don't know, to leave the door open for her to re-engage—or at least respond positively when I contact her again while in her country.

Because, a straight call I guess, would still keep me in her frame, and not giving me the opportunity to show I’m a prize she can’t afford to overlook. If not just calling her to "catch up", like nothing happened..

The issue I see here is that you are being very psychologically accommodating to her when this is the point where you need to be applying your filters and looking as to whether good foundations for a relationship exist in this woman. You're making excuses for her and unconsciously falling into her frame - passing her tests, tacking around her emotions. You've already had sex multiple times, you're supposed to be the one in the drivers seat.

There's no point in the relationship where she's going to be more accommodating than she is now, and if she's not being accommodating now, she's going to be super difficult at any point in the relationship where there's a conflict or there's anything she doesn't like.

As I said, I can see what is going on here - these exotic foreign girls who've had it tough and show themselves as real troopers can be very very alluring for a red blooded male, they're wild in bed and very passionate. I even had a two year relationship with one. The risk is that underneath that attractive shell there's often a few skeletons lurking, and it can be hard to see clearly when you are enjoying the passion and the sex. If you're not ready to deal with her with a very firm hand, you're going to get rolled over.

I also would think very carefully if her kid is a dealbreaker or not - in the early stages of any relationship it is much much better for both of you to be able to walk away scot free if it's not working out, and as soon as you have any kind of relationship with the kid that'll be 1000 times harder. You want a situation where there is an absolute minimum of hindrance especially for her to leave if she wants to - that way it's a lot easier to screen her and test her. If there's kids and visas in the mix that's going to be basically impossible.

All this is to say I'm seeing a situation where this girl competing with you for the frame, making you question yourself all the time rather than laying down the law, who may have all sorts of secondary motivations, who already has someone else's kid, who is 'jealous sensitive and emotional' and ready to go no-contact whenever there's something she doesn't like, and you are there trying to figure out a way to get her to agree to fly out at your expense. I bet the sex must've been good - I'm sure it was. But she's not the only one that can do that for you. As soon as you're halfway invested things are likely to get a whole lot more difficult.

I know you say that a relationship with her is 'unrealistic' and you just want to reconnect, but I frankly don't believe you're going to be able to keep yourself from going there. The pull of this woman is too strong on you. So it's time to start focusing on the rationality of whether she's good material or not.

Anyway, I'm not here to tell you what to do, you've got to make your own choices. I don't like to sit there and come up with 'best moves' for someone when I don't think they're playing the right game to begin with. But generally speaking with these kind of girls you want to be honest and clear but very assertive, always doing your thing and never getting drawn into any emotional whirlpools. She has to feel like there's a path she is welcome to take of your choosing, but if she's off that path, nothing in the world is going to make you come after her or get emotionally worked up over her.

You haven't yet given her that path to take, and so she's trying to make one of her own with you. So the question is, do you know what you want with her? Do you know how you want things to proceed, how you want her to behave, where the boundaries are? And are you willing to walk away if you don't get what you want?