"If we do it now, it's gonna be just a one-off thing."

[Jan]

I met this girl on Tinder, and a long story short I fucked her in a suburbs forest on our first date, after about 2 hours into the date. I'm mid 30s, she is 19. It was clear from the get go that this relationship is gonna be about sex, as during our Tinder convo I told her: "Hey, I'm looking for fun here, you?". She said, "Fun, friendship, whatever."

Anyway, we were sitting on a bench, near this forest, kissing, touching each other, etc. It was already dark but because she was afraid that someone can see us, I proposed that we go further inside the forest to be more private. This was an obvious invitation for sex, and while she agreed, before we went in, she stopped me for a sec and said:

"If we do it now, it's gonna be just a one-off thing." (I guess she was referring to one-off sex, not necessarily one-off set in a forest).

I got pretty surprised as I've never heard this before. I decided to proceed anyway.

On our way back I asked her what's up with this one-off thing. And she said: "I'm afraid that if we keep doing it again and again, feeling will emerge. And I'm afraid of that". And then she added: "I'm also not that good at maintaining contact" (she didn't mean a relationship, more like general texting/phone call/meetups contacts).

I really like her sexually and I would like to do it again. Unfortunately, she does as she said. I texted her few times and she only replied once (I asked for a podcast link we discussed during our convo, she just sent the link, nothing else). Then I invited her for a walk two more times. Zero reply.

How should I interpret what is going on her side? I think she really likes these types of ONS. She is young, want to experiment, etc. But why not continue doing them and having a regular guy for sex, I think.

What do you think her real line of thinking/feeling is? Anything I can do to convince her to change her mind, or if not change the idea, at least not following it to iota.

Any advice appreciated.

 

[Chase]

@Jan,

The thing to do with a girl like this is to handle the problem in the moment when it comes up.

So this:

On our way back I asked her what's up with this one-off thing. And she said: "I'm afraid that if we keep doing it again and again, feeling will emerge. And I'm afraid of that". And then she added: "I'm also not that good at maintaining contact" (she didn't mean a relationship, more like general texting/phone call/meetups contacts).

... is when you dig in:

HER: I'm afraid that if we keep doing it again and again, feeling will emerge. And I'm afraid of that​

​

YOU: I see. What's the scary part about it?​

​

HER: Well blah blah (avoidant attachment style stuff)​

​

YOU: [keep spending time with her, talking, not being pushy, just talking very casually, about her history with relationships, about relationships you've had where it's been chill and no one was pushy and both parties understood one another, etc.]​

​

HER: Yeah I think if we can keep it really relaxed maybe we can still see each other.​

​

YOU: I think it'd be cool. We can go at whatever pace you like.​

It's mostly just getting her very comfortable with the idea of being around you, feeling like it will be lower pressure... you can talk about casual relationships you have had where the feelings never got too intense and it's a great experience to have since she's afraid of getting attached, etc.

Trying to do all that after the fact over the phone when she's ignoring you is probably not going to be possible -- the window to do that was while you were with her in-person, after you hooked up.

I guess you could try sending her a couple of audio or video messages trying to talk about how you can do the whole casual thing and it's very possible to not get too attached, telling her about some of your prior relationships.

Most likely though, this one has flown away... but you know what to do now if you encounter other ones like her.

Chase

 

[Jan]

@Jan,

The thing to do with a girl like this is to handle the problem in the moment when it comes up.

So this:



... is when you dig in:

HER: I'm afraid that if we keep doing it again and again, feeling will emerge. And I'm afraid of that​

​

YOU: I see. What's the scary part about it?​

​

HER: Well blah blah (avoidant attachment style stuff)​

​

YOU: [keep spending time with her, talking, not being pushy, just talking very casually, about her history with relationships, about relationships you've had where it's been chill and no one was pushy and both parties understood one another, etc.]​

​

HER: Yeah I think if we can keep it really relaxed maybe we can still see each other.​

​

YOU: I think it'd be cool. We can go at whatever pace you like.​

It's mostly just getting her very comfortable with the idea of being around you, feeling like it will be lower pressure... you can talk about casual relationships you have had where the feelings never got too intense and it's a great experience to have since she's afraid of getting attached, etc.

Trying to do all that after the fact over the phone when she's ignoring you is probably not going to be possible -- the window to do that was while you were with her in-person, after you hooked up.

I guess you could try sending her a couple of audio or video messages trying to talk about how you can do the whole casual thing and it's very possible to not get too attached, telling her about some of your prior relationships.

Most likely though, this one has flown away... but you know what to do now if you encounter other ones like her.

Chase

Great, thanks for that.

And what do you think about the other of her comments: "I'm also not that good at maintaining contact". Was this comment the reason you came to conclusion that it's avoidant attachment style?

And what do you think about trying to go the other way? Apparently, what she wanted from this encounter was pure sex, no attachment, no relationship. How about texting her trying to reach back to her sexual part. When we were sitting on the bench and kissing, she took my hand and put it on her throat, to choke her. I asked her: "You like that, hah?". She said: "Yes." Do you think bringing this vision of her being choked could, now after the fact?

 

[Jan]

I have some extra comments regarding the avoidant attachment style.

I think this style may manifest in different ways for males and females generally.

MALES

I have this style myself, at least to some extent. It manifests in avoiding difficult feelings related to break-up. I avoid emotional connection as I fear that she will get attached, develop strong feelings and I don't want to hurt her, or I don't want to deal with my own feelings seeing her being hurt during break-up.

FEMALES

In females, it can be fear of being left by her partner. She may fear strong negative feelings of being abandoned by a partner who she had developed strong feelings towards. Therefore, she will prioritize short term relationships where she defends herself from these feelings developing inside her by cutting them short.

No conclusion yet, as how this can translate into a solid seduction advice. Just wanted to share the thoughts. And happy to readjust my line of thinking if I'm wrong at any point.

 

[Chase]

@Jan,

Well:

1. She's on Tinder, which already makes her a lot more likely to be avoidant
2. She's open about looking for fun, no qualms about first date sex, especially at a young age... a lot more likely to be avoidant
3. Straight up tells you it's going to be a one-off thing... almost always avoidant talk
4. Then notes she's afraid of feeling feelings... which is 100% avoidant (unless you've done something to really mark yourself as not at all a guy she should be getting feelings for -- maybe you did, but no indication of that here)

The not-good-at-staying-in-contact thing I wouldn't even pay attention to. I've had girls tell me that then spam me with messages after.

And what do you think about trying to go the other way? Apparently, what she wanted from this encounter was pure sex, no attachment, no relationship. How about texting her trying to reach back to her sexual part. When we were sitting on the bench and kissing, she took my hand and put it on her throat, to choke her. I asked her: "You like that, hah?". She said: "Yes." Do you think bringing this vision of her being choked could, now after the fact?

You're welcome to try it.

In my experience, when you fail to handle these kinds of things in-person, your odds of saving them over text are low.

But of course you will still have better odds trying than not trying.

Re: avoidant attachment styles in women, yes that sounds about right. I discuss that some here:

Female Attachment Profiles: Secure, Avoidant, and More

A woman's attachment style determines whether she is clingy, or distant, or prone to upset at the most trivial thing. Know her style, and you know what to expect. Early in life, the way someone's parents raise her shapes the way her brain deals with her relationships with other people. If her...

www.girlschase.com

Avoidance in men is the stereotypical 'fear of commitment' guy, yeah. There's probably a pretty high prevalence of male avoidants in any seduction community, actually.

Chase