I'm absolutely gutted. The beginning of my journey

[IrishConrad]

Gentleman,

This is my first post in what i consider part of my plan to really apply some the the great lessons to learn to apply from the blog and the discussion board. There are not a lot of sounding boards that look as put together for guys and this looks like a great place to start.

I'll put all my pride and skills I think I have with women aside and start from scratch. I think it is the only one after the position I have put myself in.

So lets begin.

I started talking to my ex girlfriend again about around thanksgiving. She initiated that we go for drinks two weeks before the holidays. (we had not seen each other for about 7 months).Things were lighthearted and fun. We were both excited and nervous and had a good time. We were there for over 2 hours and had a lot of catching up to do and I really enjoyed it.

One week later I am on her couch and we are watching a movie together. We're instantly back to where we left on and in our favorite position on the couch. She falls alseep between my legs and says it was the most relaxed she has been in a long time. The fuzzy feelings rush back. I tuck her to bed and leave.

She leaves for the holidays and I don't speak to her much over that time. She mentions that she will be in town for NYE and we say we will meet up after that.
On NYE...10 min before midnight, I see her walking toward me at the bar. We smile, hug, get a drink and we're both in shock that this is happening. We kiss at midnight. I was with a group of friends and my brother so I let her go after that.

The next morning she texts me saying I should come over tonight and we should pick up where we left off. I go over and we have the the best sex I've ever had. We were at each other all night and all morning. Great time!

A week later we do it again. This time we talk about how we want to go skiiing again like old time, she talks about our relationship, and is extra cuddly.

Then something changes...I have a gut feeling she could be dating as she is really not pursuing me like she should. I chalk that up to her being an ex and being afraid to get into anything with me. She also doesn't inquire if I am dating like the past few girls I've been during the 7 months we were apart have asked.

She says she is just going with the flow and we both agree there are people that want to take us out on dates. I had a girl from work and she had already been on a date in early January with another guy. We agreed we would go on our dates and if there was chance of getting intimate we would be done.

This past week I went over to her place where she cooked me dinner, had some cold beers in the fridge, and then proceeded to give me one of the best Bj's of my life. We had another great night in between the sheets and I stayed over and had some morning sex before I left for work.

This is where things go south...I go to the bars with my brother that night after work. I'm a little buzzed but I swear I see her....and she is with another guy. I did not say anything, text her, or say hello. My heart sank as I watched her walk out the door with him. The next morning I said circumstances were different for us to say hello like New Years. I explain that I saw her and she confirmed that she was on a date with the same guy. I said that was really hard to see. She says she was in bed by herself if that makes me feel any better.

I don't pry but I ask if this guy is getting a third date to which she replies probably. I explain I won't be a stepping stone into her next relationship and we need be one on one if we're done. I want to hear it from her and not in a text or email. I explain that it looks like we have an expiration date after all to which she relpies that that is a sad thing for her to think about.

Background and what do I do?...I dated this girl for 2 years. We had a great relationship. We traveled, snowboarded, sex was great, cooked breakfast every morning together while we lived together. Why we broke up? I honestly would have to start an entire new thread. The skinny is she had a lot going on in her life with nursing school, her parents divorce, she got pregnant, her grandma died....etc etc....not to mention I was in school myself and not taking car of myself or finances. This all happend within a space of 4 months and we didn;t have enough in the tank for each other. I made a needy/clingy attempt at giving her an ultimatum that she is with me or she isn't. That pretty much sealed the deal and we went our separate ways.

She traveled, graduated from school, and things settled down in her family. I got a great new job, started playing rugby again and dated other girls....all in the 7 months we were apart.

I'm still in love with her...this girl makes me feel happier than any other girl I've been with. I know there are plenty of fish in the see but I know this one get me and I get her. I have no interest in playing the field and meeting other women because I am stuck on her....I don't know if stuck is 100% accurate but I know what makes me happy and she is one of those things.

We have not really spoken since the conversation about me being a stepping stone. She seems sad that I want to go but I have no choice if she is going to date around. If this guy gets a third date he will most likely sleep with her. She knows that I know this and sees that I am ready to walk away.

I feel like a total rookie here. I'm trying not to let my emotions drive my decisions so any sound advice to get me back on track would much appreciated.

A few of the things she has said in the past 4 weeks that I don't understand why she would date around..

"I miss your hometown" ( I brought her there several times...small mountain town) "I miss your mom" ( my mom is awesome) "I want to be back in Colombia with you right now" (we traveled there together)

For a girl that wants to continue to take another guy...she sure does miss a lot about me. Seeing her cook me dinner, get me a beer, and then give me head...followed by watching her walk out the door with another guy is a mind trip that I'm not doing a good job of handling.

 

[mrmoose]

You implied that you are dating other people, and didn't have a reaction to her saying she is dating other people. Then it becomes reality for you to see her with another guy.... You can't be on the fence about a girl like this I don't think, not the way you are describing. Have you thought about just telling her you want to try the exclusive thing again or you have to go your separate ways?

 

[IrishConrad]

You implied that you are dating other people, and didn't have a reaction to her saying she is dating other people. Then it becomes reality for you to see her with another guy.... You can't be on the fence about a girl like this I don't think, not the way you are describing. Have you thought about just telling her you want to try the exclusive thing again or you have to go your separate ways?

Thats about all I have thought about. I just need to do it sooner than later right?

 

[mrmoose]

I'm not an expert on this stuff, so keep that in mind. If it were me, chill for a couple days to calm down then tell her. Hope it works out for you, tough spot to be in.

 

[Franco]

Hey Irish,

Not knowing too much about the bond you share with your ex-girlfriend, one thing I do know is that ultimatums are almost always a losing scenario for the ultimatum-giver. They come across as extremely weak and needy. Although you may think that giving an ultimatum may convince her to change her mind, just the act of giving the ultimatum will probably push her away more than it will help.

You gave her an ultimatum once, and it lead to you to not seeing her for 7 months. So logically speaking, what makes you think that giving her one this time around will be any different?

You need to control your emotions, go out, and legitimately try to replace her. If you aren't actively seeking out new potential girlfriends, you are going to lose this battle because she is actively seeking out new potential boyfriends knowing that she has you on the back-burner if she can't find anything better. You need to show her (not through an ultimatum) that you have other options of walking away also and that you are a valuable commodity that is wanted by other attractive women.

This is probably your best bet of getting her back, and in the meantime, you might even come across women that are actually capable of replacing her!

This is my two cents; hope it helps!

- Franco

 

[IrishConrad]

Thanks guys,

I ended up seeing her last night. She invited me over, I was drunk, so was she.

When she fell asleep I went through her phone. I felt like I had to know what was going on. I found more than I bargained for in lies. Including her telling her friend she did see me at the bar. She had promised me she hasn't. Also. She had another date set up with that guy for today.

I regret what did as I sit here shivering at the bus stop at 6am.

She didnt want to hear anything I said last Night after that.

I don't blame her.

I sealed my fate

 

[IrishConrad]

How many of you guys have gone through a girls phone if you're suspicious? I feel like it was a completely foolish act and while drunk, I let my emotions get the best of me.

I'm really beating myself up for this one. Although she lied to me on several accounts, I want to justify her behavior. She still liked me but not enough to commit to anything again.

I feel like we were headed toward me being the one out of the triangle anyway but I found I way to kick myself out entirely.

I feel like I was the one that lost her. If I had any chance with her it is now gone. If things don;t work out with him there is no way she will contact me.

I honestly have nobody to talk to about this since she is my ex. I feel like I would lose more respect from my friends and family.

Is finding a good therapist a good idea?

 

[nichodemus]

How many of you guys have gone through a girls phone if you're suspicious? I feel like it was a completely foolish act and while drunk, I let my emotions get the best of me.

Before I dated my ex, when I was just friends with her, her old boyfriend went through our texts. Kind of pissed her off, and tipped it in my favour, seeing how needy he was.

 

[trashKENNUT]

I feel like I was the one that lost her. If I had any chance with her it is now gone. If things don;t work out with him there is no way she will contact me.

I honestly have nobody to talk to about this since she is my ex. I feel like I would lose more respect from my friends and family.

Is finding a good therapist a good idea?

Breakups (as i would say your situation here) are always hard. It doesn't have to be a relationship. She must have been something to you. I mean, everyone including Franco, Chase, all of the members here have gone through hurdles and obstacles in our dating lifes. It is not to say that we did it the easy way. There's still memories that could cloud you over your head once in awhile after you moved on. The key here, is to take the first step, towards finding the light at the end of the tunnel.

i'm sure you will work towards it.

Zac

 

[Chase]

Irish-

How many of you guys have gone through a girls phone if you're suspicious? I feel like it was a completely foolish act and while drunk, I let my emotions get the best of me.

That's pretty common, but it's a loud and clear sign that you don't trust the girl. Either you're overly paranoid, or you're sensing that something's up.

If she's smart though, she doesn't keep any telltale texts in her phone, and deletes them as soon as she gets them. Which means... even if something is going on, there's a good chance you will never know for sure.

A big thing in relationships is dealing with the uncertainty and the unknown. At some point you've got to say to yourself, "I'll probably never be 100% certain one way or the other. So, I've got to just DECIDE."

Your mind often ends up going, "What if she DID? Well, I should break up with her. But what if she DIDN'T? Then I'm an IDIOT for breaking up with her! Oh, what to do, what to do...?"

The thing it's healthier to do is say, "Okay. 1, I'm never going to know if she didn't or not. 2, I need to decide if I can be with this girl indefinitely while never knowing for sure if she did or didn't. 3, if I can, and this is what I want, then let's do it. No more deliberating or mental logjam; let's put it behind us and move on. 4, if I can't, it's time to part ways with her... even if she didn't do it, I can't hang around with all this suspicion, the jealousy is eating me alive."

I honestly have nobody to talk to about this since she is my ex. I feel like I would lose more respect from my friends and family.

Is finding a good therapist a good idea?

Depends on how down you are about things. One suggestion I have is to sit down and deconstruct the relationship - write down the history of the relationship, when things were good, when they started going bad, who did what, what did you do that contributed, how did your actions bring various things about. You can post it on the Relationships Board if it's helpful, and some guys there may be able to give you some feedback on things you don't catch or see.

Basically, by going back over things and hashing them all out, you clear a lot of the fog and confusion away, and exorcise the demons that came with that. That's mainly what a therapist will do for you, but you can do it yourself, if you just take pen and paper (or computer keyboard; whichever you prefer) and write down the history, what happened, and how and why it happened, and ask for help if you find anything that doesn't make sense and get guys thoughts and feedback on it and figure it all out.

Your mind when it's going crazy and upset is trying to work out patterns it doesn't quite understand. When you go through it, and you get some good feedback (from here, or a therapist who knows his/her stuff, or even from parsing the details and analyzing it yourself), you put your brain at ease and answer the wild questions it has running through it.

It'll help, trust me. Write it out. Not only is it clarifying, it's also cathartic.

Chase

 

[IrishConrad]

Thanks for the replies:

I am pretty down about how I've treated myself over this and the behavior I displayed. More than I am at the thought of probably not seeing her again for some time.

I may have to start a new thread on this topic but I was showing the classic signs of validation/approval seeking behavior with her. At 28 years old I am starting to understand some of my hangups with relationships/sex/and women and need to get our from under that.

I'm really struggling today at work with the thought of not seeing her, wondering if she is going to miss me, and how this unfolded.

But at the same time she lied, and lied again. I know two wrongs to no make a right and that going through her phone was part of a narrow minded place where I felt hurt. Instead of taking a deep breath, not talking to her and re-evaluating the situation, I went into panic mode of the thought of her sleeping/being with the guy I saw her walk into the bar with.

It was a drainging process trying to figure out what each step of the process would be with her over the past 4 weeks. IT was even more draining allowing myself to get to a place where I was scared to lose her.

I was in a dangerous place by feeling validated if she was sleeping with me and wanted me to hang out with her. If any of you have any insight on breaking free from this kid of behavior please pass it on.

Most would consider myself a good looking, funny, generous, honest guy. I'm tall and athletic and have never had much problem approaching women.

Somehow I let myself turn into a puppy dog, doormat with the girl and my subconsciousness and self esteem were hurting. I believe it was a combination of my own weaknesses that I must really work on in this journey and staying with a girl who can flat out lie to my face time and time again.

It's a battle of feeling like a let myself down, hurt my self esteem even more, and let someone treat me like shit.

I may have to write further into my validation seeking behavior as that could stick with me into the next relationship. Again, thanks for the replies and I appreciate the good words and solid sounding board this forum provides.

Cheers.

 

[IrishConrad]

Also,

I woke up in this girls bed on Thursday morning. The night I ran into her on while she was on a date was that exact same day.

Am I wrong or is that just whorish behavior? Also to do that to someone you have a history with(together 2 years) She didn't even have the decency to tell me she saw me there when she looked right over at our table. Her body language changed and she left in 2 min.

 

[Whizzy]

If she's single and ready to mingle as they say there is nothing wrong with her doing that. It sucks for you too see but as Chase said in one of his articles, don't be bitter about things. Be glad you had the fun you did and look forward to having even more fun with somebody else

 

[IrishConrad]

If she's single and ready to mingle as they say there is nothing wrong with her doing that. It sucks for you too see but as Chase said in one of his articles, don't be bitter about things. Be glad you had the fun you did and look forward to having even more fun with somebody else

I can see that If I was just another guy but we had been together for 2 years. I guess if we never made the commitment to be exclusive again it was fare game.

I'm not that bitter but It was very tough seeing her with someone else. Me true feelings really came pouring out at that point. Throw too much tequila on that 2 nights later and you have a recipe for disaster.

At the very least the truth is out now and I have a better understanding of her and how she would have lied to me again someday.