I'm an a$$hole and I need help!

[MisterX]

I'm new on this forum, and I need some help cause I'm and a$$hole

It's a senstivive and personal topic, that means a lot to me so, only answer if you read it all, and have something constructive to say, I don't mind some of you being harsh towards me, cause that might be what I need


Okay here's a summary of my back-story:
in high school I used to be shy, not that attractive and fat, used to weigh 300 pounds, thats aroud 134kg..
and got rejected by every girl I ever liked, never had a gf, and being a virgin all trough high school,

But then just when I was graduating highschool, the summer before university, I fell head over heals for a girl, she was just perfect in my eyes, and of course, she rejected me with the let;s just be friends..

I was devastated, then started hating myself, but after s while I turned that hatred towards girls, and decided to have my revenge

The first year of university I stated going to the gum 6 day s week, and was on the strictest diet possible, and till the end of 2011 I dropped down to 77kg or 170 pounds (just fyi i'm 180sm/6feet tall), read everything pua related, worked on my bodylanguage, my attitude, clothes and fashion and so on.


Then at the beginning of 2012 I started dating, and approaching girls, and now that I was attractive and confident girls were noticing me and things were easy, it was easy to get dates and escalate

But the thing was I wasn't doing it because I wanted to feel love or get a gf, I was doing it out of hatred and wanting revenge.
All the girls I ever liked had rejected me, so I wanted to sleep with as many girls as I can and just use them and never call them afterwards
And it wasn't hard, in my experience girls didn't have emotions and feeling, I couldn't believe a girl can love, or care for someone, or feel any king of emotion, so I didn't care if I hurt any, cause you know they are all just heartless.

My method after I've slept with a girl was that I'd cut all ties:
block her in skyper/facebook
never answer her calls/texts
and not giving her much explanation, just saying "it's over between us"
and again my conscience was clean, girls were emotionless and I wasn't hurting them..

a few months back I accidentally saw the girl that rejected me and caused me to flip and change. Just that now I was attractive enough and experience and we went out a lot, and slept together. after that I was ignoring her, one day she told me she wanted us to be in a relationship and I told her: "sorry I only wanted to f@ck you to get even, I don't even like you as a person and don;t want anything to do with you, once I wasn;t good enough for you, now you're not good enough.."

she then went on reactiong emotionally and telling me I was a huge a$$ and a horrible person, and how she cared for me and had started having feelings and couldn't understand why I was like this

I told her that she made me like this and I never want to see or hear her again since, I had what I wanted from her - revenge - to get even

Just before christmas, less than two months ago I received a long message from her, talking about all kind of stuff, but the core was that she couldn't believe who I have become and that I'm a horrible person.


That got to me, I never before that considered myself a bad person.

over the holidays in my hometown I thought a lot about that and talked to friends and thought if that;s what I want to screw around and be called a$$..
The truth was that I always have wanted the hole relationship,love, start a family route..


And here's my problem:

I want a loving relationship but, I still have my beliefs that girls cannot love or care,
I mean all my life I was rejected by girls,
my family does not express emotions that much, I've never been told by my parents,or anyone else, that they love me or care about me (they were strict and bitter) and being the oldest son, I was scolded and punished the most
after that every time a girl told or did sth that'd show she cared, I just dismissed it that is wasn't true,and just cut ties with her


So now I have that thing that I want to be loved but don't really believe that it's possible (cause you know girls can't love or care)

and even if a girl does, I wont accept it, and you know it;s not that easy to change your views


Do you think there is hope, and a way to "fix myself"

What are your thoughts/suggestions?

I'm just under 21 (but am from Europe so the legal age is 18 for everything exept sex, that one is 14) don't know if that matters at all, just in case to put it here

 

[Chase]

MisterX-

Tough problem. Because it's such an extreme belief, and it's so deeply entrenched, you're going to have a hard time fighting it. It sounds like it basically started out as bitterness that then progressed into an emotionless mental model of "women are heartless." At that point, it wasn't even bitterness anymore, it was just that women were totally othered (i.e.: seen as non-humans) to you and undeserving of feeling or empathy. They're just things to be used and cast aside.

The only way you change this is by getting to know women very well in very deep ways: by having close female friends, by having a girlfriend you're close with and talk a lot to, etc. You essentially need to see women going through the range of emotions that you yourself feel and have felt, to be able to begin relating to them.

Right now, because you cut them off, you don't see that you're having the same effect on women now that women used to have on you.

You're also deeply into victim mentality (see here: How Victim Mentality Can Stifle Your Life – and Luck with Women), seeing women as "to blame" for you getting rejected before.

To affect your thinking, then, here's a question:

A really fat, unkempt, ugly woman walks up to you. She wants to date you, she tells you, and would like to have a relationship with you. You reject her. She goes home and cries bitterly. Why do men reject her? Is it because men are all bad? Is it because you are bad? Or might it be... that she simply hasn't turned herself into someone that men - and you - would want to be with?

Old you walks up to a woman and asks her on a date. She turns old you down and rejects you. You go home and feel horrible. Is it women's fault that they reject you? Or is it simply that old you had not yet turned yourself into someone that women - and this one girl in particular - would want to be with?

Getting rejected is NEVER other people's "fault." Nobody's obligated to give you anything, just as you aren't obligated to give anyone anything. If a gay man wants to have sex with you, you're not obligated to say "yes" just because he wants to. Nor are you obligated to marry an ugly, unintelligent, rude woman just because she wants to marry you. In fact, you're not even obligated to date a beautiful girl you've slept with just because she wants to date you too, as you know. Nobody HAS to give anybody ANYTHING. They must want to give them this.

I'm sure you know this by now, but it's those old beliefs that have crystalized themselves in your head as a new way of seeing the world, in which women are non-human entities that need punishing for not giving old you something he had not yet earned.

It'd be like a homeless guy asking you for money, you declining, and then that homeless guy getting rich, offering you a job, and then firing you with no severance pay and a refusal to serve as a reference to you "just because." Sure, he could do it if he really wanted to, but... why? It seems kind of petty, doesn't it? I mean, good on the guy to remake himself, but when you turn your life into one giant revenge escapade, it's no longer about living a good life, but rather about punishing people who've never done you any harm... just like most of the women you've punished.

There's a cycle like this: innocent guy gets burned by hardened woman. Innocent guy becomes hardened. Hardened guy sleeps with a random innocent woman who has nothing to do with his burning by that old hardened woman, then burns her. Innocent woman becomes hardened. Hardened woman burns innocent man who had nothing to do with her original burning...

It's a nasty cycle of destruction that doesn't contribute anything positive to the lives of the perpetuators or to those its perpetuated upon. It's just pettiness and spite... and you're wasting a lot of your OWN time by engaging in it.

That girl you liked who rejected you... imagine if the situations had been reversed. Imagine you'd been a popular, handsome, athletic jock, and she'd been a 300-pound fat girl. And she asked you out. What would you have said, and whose fault would it have been that you told her no?

Now imagine that girl used that incident as motivation to turn herself into a stunning, gorgeous supermodel. She reentered your life years later, captivated you, stole your heart, made you chase her around on one date after another, spending scads and scads of money on her... and then one day, she showed up in front of you with another man, made out with him, and left, taking him home. She then sent you a message saying sorry, but you weren't good enough for her, and that she'd done ALL THIS just to show you how wrong you were rejecting her all those years before.

Would you think she was impressive? Powerful? Amazing?

Or just... kind of weak and petty for getting so fixated on what for you was kind of a non-incident?

Not to moralize or preach. It sucks that you probably really did some damage to some girls who were being sweet with you and trusting you and putting their hearts on you. Plenty of girls know the deal with one-night stands, but many think they're on the precipice of something more.

But what sucks the most is that you've made something petty the center point of your life, instead of something bigger and more noble.

On the other hand, it did lead you to reinvent yourself, which is amazing, and which very few people can do. So it did have its usefulness. And you succeeded in exacting the revenge you wanted, which in a way is impressive, as few people ever really do the thing they set out to do. Just imagine what you could do if you set something noble as your objective, rather than something like what motivated you for the years it did.

But it sounds like you realize it's time to reassess and start steering a different course. There's a lot you can do with your life, but you'll need to spend some time resetting the way you see things and learning how to see women as people with emotions just like you, instead of as heartless automatons... and I can tell you myself, while women's emotions may be more fleeting and more changeable than men's, they are no less potent, and often are much more so over the short term.

Here's hoping this is helpful, X, and that you're able to start bringing about some of the change you want. You've already proved you have the ability to change yourself once. Now let's see if you can build on top of that and make yourself even richer an individual.

Chase

 

[MisterX]

It sounds like it basically started out as bitterness that then progressed into an emotionless mental model of "women are heartless." At that point, it wasn't even bitterness anymore, it was just that women were totally othered (i.e.: seen as non-humans) to you and undeserving of feeling or empathy. They're just things to be used and cast aside.

You're right, growing up I didn't talk much to girls and did't have female friends, so my only experiences with them were when they rejected me, being dismissive, etc.
So that shaped my view that "women are heartless".
And after that as you said

Right now, because you cut them off, you don't see that you're having the same effect on women now that women used to have on you.

what you said here:

To affect your thinking, then, here's a question:

A really fat, unkempt, ugly woman walks up to you. She wants to date you, she tells you, and would like to have a relationship with you. You reject her. She goes home and cries bitterly. Why do men reject her? Is it because men are all bad? Is it because you are bad? Or might it be... that she simply hasn't turned herself into someone that men - and you - would want to be with?

Old you walks up to a woman and asks her on a date. She turns old you down and rejects you. You go home and feel horrible. Is it women's fault that they reject you? Or is it simply that old you had not yet turned yourself into someone that women - and this one girl in particular - would want to be with?

Getting rejected is NEVER other people's "fault." Nobody's obligated to give you anything, just as you aren't obligated to give anyone anything. If a gay man wants to have sex with you, you're not obligated to say "yes" just because he wants to. Nor are you obligated to marry an ugly, unintelligent, rude woman just because she wants to marry you. In fact, you're not even obligated to date a beautiful girl you've slept with just because she wants to date you too, as you know. Nobody HAS to give anybody ANYTHING. They must want to give them this.

I'm sure you know this by now, but it's those old beliefs that have crystalized themselves in your head as a new way of seeing the world, in which women are non-human entities that need punishing for not giving old you something he had not yet earned.

It'd be like a homeless guy asking you for money, you declining, and then that homeless guy getting rich, offering you a job, and then firing you with no severance pay and a refusal to serve as a reference to you "just because." Sure, he could do it if he really wanted to, but... why? It seems kind of petty, doesn't it? I mean, good on the guy to remake himself, but when you turn your life into one giant revenge escapade, it's no longer about living a good life, but rather about punishing people who've never done you any harm... just like most of the women you've punished.

There's a cycle like this: innocent guy gets burned by hardened woman. Innocent guy becomes hardened. Hardened guy sleeps with a random innocent woman who has nothing to do with his burning by that old hardened woman, then burns her. Innocent woman becomes hardened. Hardened woman burns innocent man who had nothing to do with her original burning...

It's a nasty cycle of destruction that doesn't contribute anything positive to the lives of the perpetuators or to those its perpetuated upon. It's just pettiness and spite... and you're wasting a lot of your OWN time by engaging in it.

That girl you liked who rejected you... imagine if the situations had been reversed. Imagine you'd been a popular, handsome, athletic jock, and she'd been a 300-pound fat girl. And she asked you out. What would you have said, and whose fault would it have been that you told her no?

Now imagine that girl used that incident as motivation to turn herself into a stunning, gorgeous supermodel. She reentered your life years later, captivated you, stole your heart, made you chase her around on one date after another, spending scads and scads of money on her... and then one day, she showed up in front of you with another man, made out with him, and left, taking him home. She then sent you a message saying sorry, but you weren't good enough for her, and that she'd done ALL THIS just to show you how wrong you were rejecting her all those years before.

Would you think she was impressive? Powerful? Amazing?

Or just... kind of weak and petty for getting so fixated on what for you was kind of a non-incident?

Not to moralize or preach. It sucks that you probably really did some damage to some girls who were being sweet with you and trusting you and putting their hearts on you. Plenty of girls know the deal with one-night stands, but many think they're on the precipice of something more.

But what sucks the most is that you've made something petty the center point of your life, instead of something bigger and more noble.

made me think a lot


Never really thought about the victim mentality, but it makes sense. It's in my control what I do and what results I get.


Guess I'll take your advice about, getting female friends and maybe a girlfriend, and getting to know them well in a deep way. And stop punishing innocent girls, just because a few year ago other girls rejected a worse version of myself that no longer exists. And who knows maybe find love.


Thanks Chase,
As always you content is great. And the website is just amazing, no other can compare.
Keep up the great work.

 

[Whizzy]

I agree with Chase on this topic, change is never easy but if you're patient and really try there is no reason you can't turn this around

 

[PinotNoir]

There's really not much I can add that Chase hasn't already said, but...

If you want to start changing right now, I think the first thing that you can do is apologize to this girl.

You don't have to be in a relationship with her. Hell, you don't even have to be friends with her.

If you think that you can remain calm and cordial, call her or meet her up. If you don't think you can, then just shoot her a message. You don't have to reveal everything about yourself, but at least apologize -- genuinely apologize.

The key to changing is what I think Chase has already said: creating bonds with women and hearing their side of the story. We all have shells and masks, and this doesn't mean that you should just trust the first girl you see 100%. Try to make some girl friendships. You may find someone very similar to your new self or your old self, and it may make you realize that you're hurting someone as bad as "girls" have hurt you. And having been through that, it may make you not want to do that to others -- in effect, hurting yourself or at least the ghost of yourself.

Imagine if you were a Jew going through the Holocaust. Especially if affected at such a young age, you'd more than likely hate all Germans and want to seek exacting revenge. (You can substitute any opposing historical races here.) In fact, during our evolution, discrimination was good. If we saw a lion kill our friends or hurt us, then we'd discriminate that all lions are bad. But! Humans are not lions. We share similar traits and experiences, and I don't think it's natural for a species to hate its own species. If that same Jew were to meet a very nice German (one opposed to Nazism) and relate and maybe even have more things in common than his/her own friends, then that person's view would slowly radically change. Just as you did not pick your sex, neither did women pick theirs. We were all born into this world without our consent and as the people we are without our choice.

Having said all of this, we've all been assholes and we've all been bitter. You've already made a huge step by realizing it and wanting to change. I'm still a huge asshole if I'm having a terrible day, but I try my best not to be and not to affect others because they don't deserve my hatred just because I'm mad. Look at all people as blank slates before you meet them. Go in knowing that you don't know them and try to learn. Best of luck mate.

 

[Flames]

I didn't want to post before Chase had his say as he can put things across way better than I can.

Some of the most caring and compassionate people are the biggest assholes I've ever met. It's a defence mechanism you do it to avoid being hurt, little realising your hurting anyway.

The good news is now your realise it so you can change it. I disagree that change takes time or is hard work it's not you can be whatever you want to be, just change your role in life. People may try to drag you back to being who you were and this important, ignore them, they don't matter.

Read chase bitterness post, and also his one about being judgemental. (if someone can post those links id appreciate it)