[inner game] How to keep your inner game not shattered by jealousy?

[JayDee]

Hi guys,

A bit of background about me, 33M, has been mentoring guys in lifestyle and dating for a long. Recently, many unfortunate things have happened to me, from my mother's death to losing my job due to the recession. Anyways, one of my mentees, he's international, and his English level is below average, too, as he's been new in the country. I have been mentoring him for a year, and he got a lot of success with girls, and those girls are mostly 7, regardless of speaking English fluently. What I advised him to develop was to focus on his appearance (he's 6'1, around 184cm) and body language rather than the verbal game, as he would only stay here for only 2 years. Girls even proactively approached him to ask for his IG and numbers. Also, he seems to be good in bed, with his Delayed Ejaculation issue.

Anyways, the point is that lately, he has become cocky and started to make jokes about comparing him to others, me included (I never bragged about my dating life to any of my mentees as I think it would make them feel worse about themselves). I guess he noticed several times girls approached us only to ask for his numbers instead of mine. And sadly, I started to feel bad about myself, mostly my look. I'm not that tall (5'9), non-white, or non-black, and my games have always been purely skills rather than based on looks. I know I need to cut off my time spent with him when he becomes toxic. However, I feel terrible that my inner game is not as solid as I thought it could be. May I ask if any of you here can give me advice about how to make your inner game unbreakable even if your brothers/close friends etc. doing better than you due to some external factors? In theory, I know I shouldn't compare, but doing so has never been easy.

Thank you, guys, in advance.

 

[MarioTheDom]

However, I feel terrible that my inner game is not as solid as I thought it could be. May I ask if any of you here can give me advice about how to make your inner game unbreakable even if your brothers/close friends etc. doing better than you due to some external factors? In theory, I know I shouldn't compare, but doing so has never been easy.

Dude that is very normal if you don't have the right code, so first of all, don't crush yourself further into this spiral

You have discovered a new part of the game, where you have to be disconnected from the external emotion stimulation.

Your "mentee" is value tapping out of you, meaning he is pumping is serotonine by lowering yours (same as lobsters fight and assess the dominance hierarchy) so that's the reason why you feel down. Your brain is registering a downgrade.


You can either: a) ditch him or b) explain to him, cool, you get girls based on your looks but i get girls because of game, and actually get the girls because of it.

If you don't, you have been in a cognitive dissonance and you have more work to do

 

[JayDee]

First of all, thank you for your advice. It's really helpful

You have discovered a new part of the game, where you have to be disconnected from the external emotion stimulation.

Secondly, May I ask how you practised yourself for that particular mentality?

 

[MarioTheDom]

I'm trying to avoid any "whoohooo" advice like:

- Bro, meditation under a waterfall 7.15 minutes a day
- Think about your childhood and cry for the afternoon

BUT there is two things that thinking back helped me becoming more "emotional stable"

Pushing myself into "pain" in other realms ( like gym for example) and /or cold approaching.

Observation: when I felt what I was feeling I was "meditating" or observing where that was coming from and how it affected my actions.


I know it's not a "if X happens, push Y button" advice but it's the best thing I could come up with.

 

[Will_V]

Hi guys,

A bit of background about me, 33M, has been mentoring guys in lifestyle and dating for a long. Recently, many unfortunate things have happened to me, from my mother's death to losing my job due to the recession. Anyways, one of my mentees, he's international, and his English level is below average, too, as he's been new in the country. I have been mentoring him for a year, and he got a lot of success with girls, and those girls are mostly 7, regardless of speaking English fluently. What I advised him to develop was to focus on his appearance (he's 6'1, around 184cm) and body language rather than the verbal game, as he would only stay here for only 2 years. Girls even proactively approached him to ask for his IG and numbers. Also, he seems to be good in bed, with his Delayed Ejaculation issue.

Anyways, the point is that lately, he has become cocky and started to make jokes about comparing him to others, me included (I never bragged about my dating life to any of my mentees as I think it would make them feel worse about themselves). I guess he noticed several times girls approached us only to ask for his numbers instead of mine. And sadly, I started to feel bad about myself, mostly my look. I'm not that tall (5'9), non-white, or non-black, and my games have always been purely skills rather than based on looks. I know I need to cut off my time spent with him when he becomes toxic. However, I feel terrible that my inner game is not as solid as I thought it could be. May I ask if any of you here can give me advice about how to make your inner game unbreakable even if your brothers/close friends etc. doing better than you due to some external factors? In theory, I know I shouldn't compare, but doing so has never been easy.

Thank you, guys, in advance.

It's important to separate your reactions to your mentee's success from your reactions to his behavior.

His success should be a reason to feel confident in your coaching abilities. His behavior (disparaging other guys) should be treated as a disruptive attitude that interferes with the success of other guys in your group, and it's your job as a leader to find a way to deal with that. Him being better than you or not is irrelevant to your job.

A leader, and especially one in the role of a teacher, should always have a firm grip on a position of authority that lies outside the domain in which he is trying to find success for his pupils.

 

[JayDee]

It's important to separate your reactions to your mentee's success from your reactions to his behavior.

His success should be a reason to feel confident in your coaching abilities. His behavior (disparaging other guys) should be treated as a disruptive attitude that interferes with the success of other guys in your group, and it's your job as a leader to find a way to deal with that. Him being better than you or not is irrelevant to your job.

A leader, and especially one in the role of a teacher, should always have a firm grip on a position of authority that lies outside the domain in which he is trying to find success for his pupils.

Thanks for your reply. I told him straight away that I wasn't happy with him being cocky with the group members like that as it would cause just more harm than good.

However, the issue here, I realised, is with me, too. I felt like I started to feel jealous and insecure about his height due to that. I want to develop my inner game to avoid such insecurity. Say, a college brags to me about how easy it would do to get a girl due to his appearance, I don't want to waste one or two days of my life feeling jealous and unfair about my look and his, just because of his success

 

[MarioTheDom]

I don't want to waste one or two days of my life feeling jealous and unfair about my look and his, just because of his success

On a scale from 1 to 10 how much of a "Nice Guy" are you?

Be honest with me.

 

[JayDee]

On a scale from 1 to 10 how much of a "Nice Guy" are you?

Be honest with me.

10 is the nicest, then I would say I am somewhere around 6.

 

[MarioTheDom]

Ok so a bit more than average ( 5)

You are able to enforce some boundaries with your mate though but I'm thinking that perhaps this jealousy also stems a bit from some self esteem due to your height - What is your success with girls? Good, average, you feel anxiety when speaking to them? self aware of your height, etc?

 

[Chase]

Great advice on your mental state from @MarioTheDom and @Will_V.

Aside from that, the other thing to point out is that you're the dominant guy in this hierarchy and should be enforcing dominance when the chickens get a bit restless. Not sure why you're not doing that, but the universe has put this guy in your corner to help you start.

If this was just some buddy of yours you did not have a mentor-mentee relationship with, I'd advise you to just cut him down to size whenever he did this so he realized real quick that doing it just hurts. e.g.:

HER: [approaches the two of you, asks for his number]​

​

HIM: Look at that, I am such a bad ass. The girls want me more than anyone. Even you! I'm the biggest pimp.​

​

YOU: Yeah dude, keep it up! 10 more like that and you'll be caught up with me for the year so far! [wink + backslap]​

However... this guy is your pupil. He is going to do socially awkward things and needs correction from you. You should be correcting him:

HER: [approaches the two of you, asks for his number]​

​

HIM: Look at that, I am such a bad ass. The girls want me more than anyone. Even you! I'm the biggest pimp.​

​

YOU: Have you ever noticed how the most elite men don't showboat? They put their value on display, then trust in others to perceive and admire it. Just a thought...​

Lets him know you aren't happy with the uppityness while at the same time giving him solid guidance on behaving as a more elite man better able to get along with others and present himself in a more high level valuable way.

Chase

 

[JayDee]

Firstly, thank you @MarioTheDom and @Chase, for your advice. This is my very first post here (I used to be on r/seduction), and I felt amazingly supported.

Secondly, I should've made my original post clearer. In detail, I taught that guy about style and fitness, and he followed every advice of mine and started to get it worked. Then, there were three times when we were out as a group, he got approached by girls to ask for his contact, two at the gym and one at a pub. The first two times, he was cool for that and still knew his place. But he started to act cocky (over his jokes) for the third time. I wanted to stress that I immediately texted him to call him out (I did not want him to lose his face in the group), and he apologised for that and said it was purely his joke. So I don't have much concern about him. What I'm more concerned about is my inner game as mentioned in my OP.

Ok so a bit more than average ( 5)

You are able to enforce some boundaries with your mate though but I'm thinking that perhaps this jealousy also stems a bit from some self esteem due to your height - What is your success with girls? Good, average, you feel anxiety when speaking to them? self aware of your height, etc?

Very good question. I am pretty sure I have insecure about my height. I'll explain in a bit. About girls, I've done pretty decent with girls, range often from average to good. I never feel anxiety speaking to them at all, even at some moments of my life when I was suffering from Premature Ejaculation. Girls I have dated mostly around 5'6, 5'7 with few extreme cases from two other ends, some are 5'10 (taller than me) and some around 4'11 or 5'0.
About my height insecurity, I had had it since I was a kid. At that time, my siblings, male cousins and I were very close, and we hung out every day. However, one of my aunties was very competitive, and once a week, she forced us to line up to measure who was the tallest, and she wanted her son to be the one. That height comparison lasted for about 7 or 8 years, from my pre-puberty until my 16. (and her son, after puberty, became the tallest one). I started as the tallest one, then became the shortest in my fam. Seeing the change over time, plus the encouragement of my auntie for her son being tall, hurt me a lot, and I had tried to do anything I could with the hope I could be a few inches taller. Around the age of 23 or 24, I started to know about pick-up, "the Game", about inner game and all sorts, so I thought I got it, I made my insecurity go away for good. Turns out, it doesn't disappear. This is actually the root of my height obsession, and I guess seeing my mentee bragging about his height to help him get girls triggered it.

 

[MarioTheDom]

Turns out, it doesn't disappear. This is actually the root of my height obsession, and I guess seeing my mentee bragging about his height to help him get girls triggered it.

I didn't want to go there directly but thank you very much for opening up, I was thinking that there was an emotional trigger in you that was cascading such an effect.

Look, this is about your self esteem and I cannot fix this trigger for you. It is something that you will have to do by yourself.
Something I noticed that helped me going through stuff like that was "winning" in some other field of my life and accept that I might suck for things I cannot change.