Insta-date advice needed. I think I messed up the strategy...

[razir110]

Hi Lads,

Will try to keep this short.

Essentially, I need advice on how to handle instant-dates and if I should even go on them!

So, I am walking in London and I see this cutie that asks me to take a picture of her. We start talking, she is visiting. I am like, ok lets go on a city walk then. 1 hour later I decided to go for the kiss, we kissed (not very passionate) and then… I didn’t know if I should just take her home or keep the “date”, I chose the latter and we kept on going around the city.

I noticed that after the kiss the vibe went down a bit. I tried to hold her hand, kiss more etc but she was a bit cold, so I back off. Anyways we went for dinner, the vibe went back on, a lot of kisses afterwards and I invited her home. At this point, some 4-5 hours had passed since we met. Anyways, no Uber would accept my request so we had to take transportation. The fcking bus was taking ages to get to my place, I did notice that the energy was going down a lot in the bus.. when we got to mine, we went to my room and… .. well noting happened, she was tiered blabla, I tried to overcome the resistance, nothing, so we fell asleep. I tried again in the morning, same thing. So I took her to the tube didn’t even exchange numbers and off we went our ways.

Questions:

-Should I have invited her home straight after the kiss, 1 hour into the insta-date?

-Should I have delayed the kiss for when we would be at my place? Regardless of when that would have happened? 1h or 4 hours alter?

-For the future, should I try to cut the date shorter and inviter her to mine earlier at “any cost”? To not tourguide for hours and just run out of energy and sexual tension?

-Should I even do insta-dates? Like true, it avoids flakes etc, but then I cant schedule the date at a convenient time in a convenient location etc, so the logistics aren’t on my side on insta-dates.

Best!

 

[Jan]

I think you should have focused more on maintaining the vibe in the bus, and especially in the apartment. Alcohol + higher energy vibing in the apartment should have made the job.

I don't think you should try to compress timing of your dates. It will raise more resistance for you. The issue is that you are THINKING too much about things like statistics, timing, process, etc, and not enough FEELING (vibing).

 

[Will_V]

-Should I have invited her home straight after the kiss, 1 hour into the insta-date?

Yes, it's always a big risk to escalate and then let things die down, so after you kissed you really needed to find a way to keep the momentum going as fast or faster. Inviting her home seems like a good way to do that.

-Should I have delayed the kiss for when we would be at my place? Regardless of when that would have happened? 1h or 4 hours alter?

Kissing is a form of sexual escalation, it comes with the bubble of excitement and pleasure that makes her put aside her reservations temporarily. While things continue escalating, she's more likely to keep them aside to experience the pleasure of what comes next, but when things stop, all those reservations can come rushing back in. That's why once you get on the escalation train there's (usually) no turning back.

That's why it's good to develop a bubble of intimacy instead with eye contact, incidental touch, body language, deep diving etc. It's not nearly as much of a spike as kissing but it's a lot more stable and comfortable for her to stay in while lead you lead her home.

-For the future, should I try to cut the date shorter and inviter her to mine earlier at “any cost”? To not tourguide for hours and just run out of energy and sexual tension?

4-5 hours is way too long. Nothing wrong with 1 or 2 hours but after 4-5 both of you are going to be tired, socially worn out and probably thinking about other stuff you need to get done.

Taking her home right away is not absolutely necessary, if it's not the right time it's not the right time, although if you can do it you avoid the possible number flake. But definitely if you want to set up a date for some other day, don't kiss her.

-Should I even do insta-dates? Like true, it avoids flakes etc, but then I cant schedule the date at a convenient time in a convenient location etc, so the logistics aren’t on my side on insta-dates.

The way it works, in my experience, is that it's not the fact that you go on a date that determines what she's ready for or not later on, but specifically what happens on the date. You can do an insta-date and then set one up for another day if for some reason you can't take her home, but if that's the case it's best to keep the fire burning a bit lower, create more intrigue, give her more opportunity to chase. Whereas if you plan to take her home immediately, you can do an insta date with a lot more escalation (though in my same day lays I still didn't really push anything physical until we were home, I just used a lot of deep diving and building tension until she was dying to remove all the barriers between us).

The main takeaway is that if you spend loads of time with her, or you spike the sexual stuff a lot and then nothing happens, that's when she gets antsy and dubious about it all.

In this case she stuck with you, kissing and all, for many hours, so it sounds like she expected and wanted to go home with you, which indeed she did do. But likely all the picking up and dropping of the sexual tension for many hours just wore her out until her anxiety got the better of her. You could probably have invited her straight home after the walk, or done a 40 minute or hour long date and then done so. All part of the learning process, better luck next time!

 

[razir110]

Hi guys, thank you for your replies!

@Jan I see what you mean by vibing, but a little strategy goes a long way to get that vibe where we want

@Will_V Yeah I was hesitating to kiss her so soon, but the vibe was just escalating so I just went for it and then kinda chickened out of inviting her home, I think this is where I got it wrong.

And a good point to keep things tense but without exploding just by touching etc. 4-5 h felt like way too long, true, honestly when we arrived at mine, the "right thing to do" felt like going to sleep, not to have sex.

She was leaving in 2 days, so I didn't want to leave the sex for some other time, that's why I decided to take her home, but as you said, I think I escalated for the kiss too fast and then didn't keep the momentum, so it discharged the sexual tension.

Another mistake is to kiss before she was home, but man the vibe was just there, so I decided to go for it lol.

Anyhow it was a fun day, lesson learned. Thanks for the advice! Will go around the city some more, it's full of tourists now, who knows what can happen!

Best, Lads