- Joined
- Sep 2, 2022
- Messages
- 1,044
Earlier in the week, I got on the bus back from evening class and heard accents (which I couldn't precisely identify, to my shame) behind me. After the two ladies stopped talking to each other, I turned half around and asked them in a chill, curious way if they were tourists. (Too bland?)
As it turns out, they were two mid-20s Irish expats living in Canada and hopping from city to city in the US. (Maybe I should have asked why they decided to take the trip, and why now - the latter could segue into their personal lives.) From what they said, they seemed wholesome in a slightly bland post-college way and not super adventurous. Spending only a day and a night in my city, then taking the bus out early the next morning (so it was now or never -- unless I visit their city, which I might).
Apart from small talk and typical get-to-know-you talk, we mainly talked about their impressions of the city. As far as engagement with that topic, I'd say it was fair to good-ish. (Perhaps I could have slightly sexualized the topic of my city better -- we have a reputation for hotties.) After about 8-10 minutes, the conversation cooled off a bit, and I let it go.
I stayed on the bus past my own stop, then got off to visit a bro and go on a spontaneous driving adventure. I traded socials with one at the last moment, but I didn't get the kind of (Bye!! + eye contact + wave) response that I've gotten from similar bus 2-sets in the past. So, negligible investment, and they went on their way.
But I'm glad I opened. And approaching tends to energize me and raise state.
What was good:
-I opened fairly confidently.
-I ignored the spotlight effect and opened while two female classmates were on the bus. I doubt they even noticed.
-I did pretty darn well considering my state earlier in the evening, sleep deprivation, etc.
-I didn't turn around to face them, but just turned halfway and spoke at an angle. (It might have been better to move to the seat across the aisle from them in the middle
-I successfully exchanged socials with one, although I'm not sure how enthusiastic she was about it.
-I did get them to ask me a few questions -- not enough.
What wasn't:
-I failed to fully hook them and get them interested in me.
-For various state-related reasons, I wore a less sharp and distinctive outfit than typical. Perhaps if I had more e.g. brighter blues, as I sometimes do (and have gotten better reactions from), that in itself would have set better semiconscious frames.
-The "prettier one" (she was made up and the blond might have been dye, so who knows) didn't engage as much as the other one. That might partly have been geometry, as she was directly behind me and the other one was to her side.
-My verbals weren't quite as smooth as I'd like (although definitely somewhat improved from the past, given my state).
-I failed to build enough comfort/rapport to defeat the default frame of "friendly local chats with pretty tourists".
-I probably asked too many questions about what they thought of the city.
-Apart from steering the convo (too much), I didn't do any leading. What could I have done? Invited them to spontaneously go somewhere in an unfamiliar city late in the evening?
-I suppose I could have continued the convo longer, although I'm not sure if it would have helped, as the engagement was already lessening.
-I still haven't gotten a place of my own that I could pull to, and as @Wick has told me, everything from frames to actual logistics is harder.
As it turns out, they were two mid-20s Irish expats living in Canada and hopping from city to city in the US. (Maybe I should have asked why they decided to take the trip, and why now - the latter could segue into their personal lives.) From what they said, they seemed wholesome in a slightly bland post-college way and not super adventurous. Spending only a day and a night in my city, then taking the bus out early the next morning (so it was now or never -- unless I visit their city, which I might).
Apart from small talk and typical get-to-know-you talk, we mainly talked about their impressions of the city. As far as engagement with that topic, I'd say it was fair to good-ish. (Perhaps I could have slightly sexualized the topic of my city better -- we have a reputation for hotties.) After about 8-10 minutes, the conversation cooled off a bit, and I let it go.
I stayed on the bus past my own stop, then got off to visit a bro and go on a spontaneous driving adventure. I traded socials with one at the last moment, but I didn't get the kind of (Bye!! + eye contact + wave) response that I've gotten from similar bus 2-sets in the past. So, negligible investment, and they went on their way.
But I'm glad I opened. And approaching tends to energize me and raise state.
What was good:
-I opened fairly confidently.
-I ignored the spotlight effect and opened while two female classmates were on the bus. I doubt they even noticed.
-I did pretty darn well considering my state earlier in the evening, sleep deprivation, etc.
-I didn't turn around to face them, but just turned halfway and spoke at an angle. (It might have been better to move to the seat across the aisle from them in the middle
-I successfully exchanged socials with one, although I'm not sure how enthusiastic she was about it.
-I did get them to ask me a few questions -- not enough.
What wasn't:
-I failed to fully hook them and get them interested in me.
-For various state-related reasons, I wore a less sharp and distinctive outfit than typical. Perhaps if I had more e.g. brighter blues, as I sometimes do (and have gotten better reactions from), that in itself would have set better semiconscious frames.
-The "prettier one" (she was made up and the blond might have been dye, so who knows) didn't engage as much as the other one. That might partly have been geometry, as she was directly behind me and the other one was to her side.
-My verbals weren't quite as smooth as I'd like (although definitely somewhat improved from the past, given my state).
-I failed to build enough comfort/rapport to defeat the default frame of "friendly local chats with pretty tourists".
-I probably asked too many questions about what they thought of the city.
-Apart from steering the convo (too much), I didn't do any leading. What could I have done? Invited them to spontaneously go somewhere in an unfamiliar city late in the evening?
-I suppose I could have continued the convo longer, although I'm not sure if it would have helped, as the engagement was already lessening.
-I still haven't gotten a place of my own that I could pull to, and as @Wick has told me, everything from frames to actual logistics is harder.
