I also struggle a bit with religious views and my own personal outlook. A female friend once told me she thought I was the type to wait until marriage. I cant say Ive ever had that opinion in my life, but I also have always been a bit of a moralist. I am not totally familiar with all of the Bible, especially less the Gospels, but from what I have read, premarital sex is not prohibited, but is discouraged. The issue is people back then married at 16, so it was easy to get married before sex. Now, with people getting married much much later and their bodies urging them on, its very hard. The conclusion I have drawn is that unless you are in a religious community, the vast majority of women will have and expect you to have premarital sex. But as Franco said in different words, you cant know how you feel until you try. Answer a simple question: are you ok with having sex?
It took me sooooooooo long to figure this all out and I think I have got it now. From tips here and from friends, I think I know what to do. I still seem to mess up every now and then (which is more significant because Im just not going to do the PUA thing). But it takes practice. I think its really just a simple strategy: watch for women to show interest and if so, escalate ASAP...or find one that interests you somewhat, dont get too deep or emotional until after youve had sex once or twice. By not falling in love, you inoculate yourself against heartbreak and rejection. Ive just about mastered this and recently got over a girl in two hours, literally. The previous one took 36! And longer before that. Trust me. It has worked wonders the past few months I have been not getting to deep. Again, all this goes back to that one question. If youve answered yes, its easy.
The key is to escalate. One thing I learned this year from a female friend (Ill get back to this next paragraph) is the importance of kissing. And that is, its not very important at all! This makes no sense of course, but what I mean is that you have to stop thinking of kisses as significant...but they do very clearly indicate what road you want to go down with a girl. I am pretty certain that I missed out on two girls this year because I did not kiss them when they gave me a chance. It wouldve been somewhat of a surprise (maybe they were thinking it might happen) aaaaaand because I didnt do it, they friendzoned. There are great articles on the site about how to kiss, but I think the best way to approach this is to very lightly make contact and then pull away (after other physical escalation, or if you find the right moment). If she agrees, youll get a clear response. If not, oh well, you still got a kiss. Have a nice walk or drive home.
Finally! And this is how I realized how awesome I am (and you should think you are awesome too): you need to have girls who are friends, and really good close friends. I saw there was an article about how to get women as friends here and actually did not read it because I already have a lot and that is one thing I dont need help with. But it occurred to me that some, or maybe many guys DONT have a lot of female friends. I discovered that I am REALLY good at making women into friends, but keep getting friendzoned. I could list off a lot of girls I can hang out with and have been friends with. I think it is VERY important to have girl friends for a few reasons:
1. You can go to them for advice. They know how they work better than men know. They may give bad advice and 10 girls will give 11 opinions, but it will get you thinking and you will know what feels right. A girl friend, as I said above told me how important kissing and having sex are, which is exactly what Chase et al say.
2. You can see things from their perspective. THIS is really valuable. For a long time I couldnt conceive of women being attracted to men. With all my past "failures", I thought that sometimes it just happened and men somehow got lucky. But listening to multiple girl friends talk about guys they are interested in and trying so hard to pursue and win over, I was amazed. If anything it gives you hope and you realize there is some girl out there who thought or will think that way about you.
3. You can get over your fears a lot easier and get used to talking to girls in abstract. I used to have trouble talking to anyone, but especially girls. It took a lot of practice, but now I am pretty good at it. I still freeze up sometimes, but I know when I do and try to break it.
4. With female friends, you feel abundant and wont get too attached too early. You always know you have your core ladies. You may not sleep with them ever, but they are always down for a movie or a concert or whatever.
5. Things happen. They say its hard or impossible to break the friendzone, but its not. The only important thing is to not plan on breaking it. Youll get in to deep and risk a painful rejection or loss of a friendship. But you never know what can happen. A girl you have known for months or years, one night you are watching a movie and the next thing you remember is finishing up and pulling away from her. Thats why I dont buy too much into the attraction expiration thing (but the caveat is dont hope). Attraction can suddenly appear. I have seen it happen to me, to girls directed at me, and from girl friends who suddenly became interested in a guy awhile after meeting them. One girl knew me for a year and was regularly seeing me around multiple times a week. You would think attraction would have expired by then, but that is when it first really began.
Also, if you dont have a job and can get one, that is really the first step to take. Having a job, even if it sucks, WILL boost your mood, which makes you more confident and attractive and also the abstract idea of (hello!) having income is attractive.
