is she worth waiting for?

[Anonymous]

So, I met this girl we started chatting and txting and we really hit it off and started going out. It was great we had things in common, made each other laugh and strangley enough I already knew her parents and sister so had now problem 'meeting the parents', the sex was great aswell best ive had in years.

She told me how before she met me she just split from her ex of 4 years, that he hit her and was a control freak. I told her I was willing to go as slow as she wanted and to take her time i like her that much, so she wants to take it further, we have sex, I sort of move into her flat and we make plans for xmas together and things seem great.

Then just this week she goes all strange, stops talking and gets real distant. When i finally get her to open she says she really likes me and that ive helped her get over her ex but that we rushed into things (i know it was her who wanted this in the first place).She says she needs a few months to 'find herself' and that shes done this because she dosent want a relationship right now but she does really like me, says that when he ex left her she say a picture of her ex with his new girlfriend she thought of killing herself......then i rang her and she stoped, my head is spinning at this.....do i wait and see if she still wants me in a few months once shes sorted out her problems or just move on? considering this is the first girl ive had real feelings for?
I just dont know what to do, worse thing is i see her family all the time, drink in the same pub and share friends.

Any help/advice would be welcome

 

[A Life Loquacious]

It would seem that as you've become more available to her, your perceived value has dropped. I would say that you definitely don't want to wait, even if you don't want to 'move on' either; if she's adamant about not getting into a long-term relationship or feels that it's too early to cohabit, by all means, carry on seeing her but don't consider it exclusive. Continue to make new lady friends and go on dates, just don't rub it in her face. But when she senses that your needs are being met elsewhere, she will have to make the decision to either keep seeing you or move on. The fact there is now some competition between her and 'other women' will most likely inspire her to want to 'beat' them. If not, she will walk, but better she walks under these circumstances than after three months of you having blue balls and missing opportunities to meet new, (maybe) better matches.

Otherwise if you beg her to stay or pine like a puppy you will only ever be losing your power and any balance that might remain in the relationship.

 

[Anonymous]

Thanks for the advice, i'll take it into consideration

 

[Garrett]

Hey Lummo!

I've been in a similar situation, so i'll give you some input. Firstly, I agree with a lot of what A Life Loquacious has said. The problem is, you really like her, so you you made things too easy, thus driving her into auto rejection. I'm in the same boat so I understand... you find that one girl who you think is amazing and you don't want to let her go.

How to get her back? Use preselection, and go meet other girls, and invite them to places where this girl's family and even her can see. That'll change her mind pretty fast. Now you also have to consider a few things. With my own situation, the girl I like is far into auto rejection so the only way I'll ever get her back is if I invite one of my 'girlfriends' or a few out for a social outing in an area where she can see that girls are finding me attractive.

So here's the deal, if she's not that far into auto rejection, to the point where you can still get her out and talk to her, then you should start to gradually act differently/oppositely to how you were before, just as Chase suggests in one of his posts. If you were a bit too easy, then an easy way to combat this is to start using what Chase teaches and apply that to meeting a bunch of new girls. By doing this, you'll set your mind at ease, and you'll probably meet another girl who's even better and worth your time. Not only this, but you won't feel as needy, and you'll come off as a lot more attractive!

Also, you should only settle for someone if they are exactly what you are looking for. Why take a girl with baggage when you can use your game to find a hotter, better girl? I know right now you may be like, "man, that girl is just too good to give up on, we are just perfect for each other!" Then again, if you aren't going out to meet girls you won't understand how amazing and most likely better they are for you than this girl!

In conclusion, yeah you could ignore her a little bit, but don't overdo it or you'll send her back into auto rejection, remember that balance is key! Be patient,meet girls, get your mind off her, when you feel less emotional attachment to her and if you still even want her after you're meeting so many beautiful and interesting women via day game or whatever your preference, then go for it!

Best of luck mate,
Garrett

 

[Franco]

Hey Lummo,

In general, for this type of situation, you want to be careful as to not end up as her male "point of contact" that takes care of her emotional needs and gives her a shoulder to cry on. That's what she has her female friends for. Ideally, Loquacious has given you good advice in that you need to put her in a situation where she has to make a decision -- it's either she takes you soon or she risks losing you to someone else on the market.

The problem is, you really like her, so you you made things too easy, thus driving her into auto rejection. I'm in the same boat so I understand... you find that one girl who you think is amazing and you don't want to let her go.

As a quick correction, Garrett, Lummo's situation is actually not auto-rejection. The results may appear to be similar, but auto-rejection is actually when a girl sees you as unattainable and decides that you are not worth investing her time and effort into out of fear of rejection. For more information on auto-rejection, check out Chase's article: Staying Out of Auto-Rejection

Since you have already slept with the girl, Lummo, you definitely have an emotional footprint on her. However, her baggage is very recent and seems very heavy (at least at the moment), so your best bet is to leave her be for now. Be warm towards her when she contacts you, but make an effort not to initiate contact with her at all. And as Loquacious said, you need to be dating other girls in the meantime.

She may end up deciding that she wouldn't want to lose a strong, emotionally stable guy like you and want to pick up where you guys left off. However, in the meantime, you might even find a girl just as attractive who is in to you and does not carry all this emotional baggage! This is why we advise always taking the route of meeting new women. It's a win-win situation.

Hope this insight helps.

- Franco

 

[Garrett]

Franco, you are right, but I want to point something out. There IS a correlation between being too high value (which is a way in which one can be subjected to auto-rejection), as well as being too easy. The reason being, is if you are being too high value, you are probably trying to PROOVE to the girl why you are right for her, when really, that will usually end up as "chasing" which = being too easy. So basically, you are potentially simultaneously making yourself look too easy, meanwhile, you are ultimately showing the girl that you are unattainable, because she feels like she can't relate to you. Empathetically, I feel as though the unattainability is overpowering to the fact that a person is too easy, so the girl's emotions will be more fixated on the fact that you are unattainable as opposed to too easy.

Any thoughts?
Garrett

 

[Rationalis]

I think part of this also ties into exclusivity windows as well. When women sense that a man is a high status alpha male, she will usually try to keep her to herself or go after you as soon as possible. When she sees you dating other girls and you aren't pressed, she will correlate that with desirability. With a man like this, she knows that there is a set period of time that will occur when they are on the market. She knows there's a short period of time that he won't be with other girls, so she'll do everything in her power to be with such a man. She will try and prove herself so much to this man so she can get him to commit.

 

[MonsieurLabrie]

Hey Lummo,

In general, for this type of situation, you want to be careful as to not end up as her male "point of contact" that takes care of her emotional needs and gives her a shoulder to cry on. That's what she has her female friends for. Ideally, Loquacious has given you good advice in that you need to put her in a situation where she has to make a decision -- it's either she takes you soon or she risks losing you to someone else on the market.

The problem is, you really like her, so you you made things too easy, thus driving her into auto rejection. I'm in the same boat so I understand... you find that one girl who you think is amazing and you don't want to let her go.

As a quick correction, Garrett, Lummo's situation is actually not auto-rejection. The results may appear to be similar, but auto-rejection is actually when a girl sees you as unattainable and decides that you are not worth investing her time and effort into out of fear of rejection. For more information on auto-rejection, check out Chase's article: Staying Out of Auto-Rejection

Since you have already slept with the girl, Lummo, you definitely have an emotional footprint on her. However, her baggage is very recent and seems very heavy (at least at the moment), so your best bet is to leave her be for now. Be warm towards her when she contacts you, but make an effort not to initiate contact with her at all. And as Loquacious said, you need to be dating other girls in the meantime.

She may end up deciding that she wouldn't want to lose a strong, emotionally stable guy like you and want to pick up where you guys left off. However, in the meantime, you might even find a girl just as attractive who is in to you and does not carry all this emotional baggage! This is why we advise always taking the route of meeting new women. It's a win-win situation.

Hope this insight helps.

- Franco

Agree with Franco totally. I've had this situation happen to me before and I tried to deal with the girl. It was NOT a good idea.

Truth is, these girls are not right in the head. Baggage is an understatement. Move on to saner girls.

-ML

 

[Whizzy]

Remember the abundance theory too. You can still keep her around as a fwb type of thing but keep seeing other women at the same time so that you don't get too attached. Heck you may end up finding (she sounds a bit not there so most likely will) someone better