Is this a shit test?

[stillunknocket]

So I got a text from a girl I met yesterday telling me that "I'm not sure you and I are looking for the same thing, you seem very sweet but maybe incompatible in a few places."

My friend and wingman said that this was a shit test and said I should respond "I understand, when would you like to meet next?"

I am not convinced this is a shit test, rather than her trying to communicate. I am curious to ask her what she thinks I am looking for to get a sense of what I am doing wrong (though the "sweet" gives me a big clue). She was more fun than most girls to talk to and might make a good pivot. Any thoughts on how I should read this?

For context: We got to the date together, and she paid since I drove (telling me I could get next time). Then after talking for 30-40 mins and lots of kino on her leg, some prolonged, she initiates the move (I was going to in a bit). I suggest we go back to my place for tea and music and she agrees. We get there and I start making the tea, we look at my movie collection from my bed, and find we like a lot of the same films. I suggest watching one, and she tells me she is not in the proper mood. I am feeling it, so I set next to her, and kiss her. She takes it, but unlike most of my kisses I have these days, she doesn't get into it (like kissing a statue with unmoving lips), and it lasts a second. I get the sense that to continue would have been forcing myself on her. She tells me that I am very forward, and I agree not knowing what else to say. We talk a little more, then I kiss again, and it is the same. She then moves to leave, saying she is feeling overwhelmed by the place after a long day and two tests, and that she has had bad experiences though she thinks I am very sweet and wants to hang out again. I try to get her to stay for the tea we were suppose to have, but she insists. I drive her home, more kino, and when I move to hug her as she get out, she instead kisses me 2x more, this time slightly more into it, but her lips barely moving, so it is impossible to prolong. This morning we made tentative plans to hang out this afternoon, before she sent me that text.

I was kind of slotting her into a fun FWB category in my head. Super fun to hang out with but not what I would want in a girlfriend.

 

[ulrich]

No, it’s not a shit test.
She is telling you that you went a little too fast and she is uncomfortable that she ended up at your home and kissing you.

Most likely she was thinking of you as boyfriend material and now she is in cognitive dissonance because she let herself go too much and enjoyed it.
She thinks you will not respect her and think of her as a FWB.

I would go full attainable, tell her something like “hey, I know yesterday was weird… it felt a little too fast… I am also a little worried you think I don’t want you seriously, I do. Wanna grab a coffee instead?” (or something where you escalate DOWN)
She needs reassurance.

If you really don’t care for her as anything other than FWB, I guess you could try to plow your way through with a “friends who have sex” frame but I think that has a low chance of working.

 

[stillunknocket]

No, it’s not a shit test.
She is telling you that you went a little too fast and she is uncomfortable that she ended up at your home and kissing you.

Most likely she was thinking of you as boyfriend material and now she is in cognitive dissonance because she let herself go too much and enjoyed it.
She thinks you will not respect her and think of her as a FWB.

I would go full attainable, tell her something like “hey, I know yesterday was weird… it felt a little too fast… I am also a little worried you think I don’t want you seriously, I do. Wanna grab a coffee instead?” (or something we’re you escalate DOWN)
She needs reassurance.

See that is what I first thought she meant. However, isn't this strategy a bit dishonest? (Is there a way to do this without being dishonest?) I might even enjoy a relationship with her, however I am not 100% feeling it, so I do not want to hold myself back from learning game better and getting girls I really am very into.

What this all really means of course is I need to work on my fundamentals and how I am framing myself and the interaction.

I might honesty think about friend zoning her instead.

 

[ulrich]

Well, it is dishonest if you’re really not interested in being her boyfriend at all.
If you are willing to give her a chance, I think it’s worth it.
You try it, she tries. It might work, it might not.

The girl has basically thrown an ultimatum.
She is calling quits if you really don’t want her as a girlfriend at all.

If you definitely 100% don’t want her as gf, I think it’s better to let her go and keep meeting new girls.
She is not comfortable with a FWB relationship with you.

What this all really means of course is I need to work on my fundamentals and how I am framing myself and the interaction.

You’re fundamentals are OK, I guess.
No girl picks you up as boyfriend material if you have bad fundamentals.

This is more about game, attainability and not giving boyfriend vibes.

 

[stillunknocket]

Well, it is dishonest if you’re really not interested in being her boyfriend at all.
If you are willing to give her a chance, I think it’s worth it.
You try it, she tries. It might work, it might not.

The girl has basically thrown an ultimatum.
She is calling quits if you really don’t want her as a girlfriend at all.

If you definitely 100% don’t want her as gf, I think it’s better to let her go and keep meeting new girls.
She is not comfortable with a FWB relationship with you.




You’re fundamentals are OK, I guess.
No girl picks you up as boyfriend material if you have bad fundamentals.

This is more about game, attainability and not giving boyfriend vibes.

So I am thinking if I did try to go the gf route, I tone down the kino next time we met? I was using kino from the moment I cold-approached her, so probably best to use some, but maybe pull back a little if I am escalating down for a bit.

It's a tough call. I do really like her as a person, but in terms of looks she is close to the border of girls I would date, though somehow more sexy than usual.

 

[ulrich]

So I am thinking if I did try to go the gf route, I tone down the kino next time we met? I was using kino from the moment I cold-approached her, so probably best to use some, but maybe pull back a little if I am escalating down for a bit.

Yeah, you got that right.

De-escalate from where you left and escalate again.
Probably just the fact that you are having a second date will be enough to make her feel comfortable and things will flow fast.
Expect to go a little slower than last time and adjust according to her reactions and you will be fine.

It's a tough call. I do really like her as a person, but in terms of looks she is close to the border of girls I would date, though somehow more sexy than usual.

Perhaps that is the reason she feels you are unattainable.
Like, “this guy can get girls hotter than me, I’m not sure I’m buying he wants me as anything other than a ONS”.


FWBs are tricky… they usually last as long as a you hit the right balance between “he is out of my league” and “but I just may get him”.
That’s why they are usually short lived.

 

[Skills]

So I got a text from a girl I met yesterday telling me that "I'm not sure you and I are looking for the same thing, you seem very sweet but maybe incompatible in a few places."

My friend and wingman said that this was a shit test and said I should respond "I understand, when would you like to meet next?"

I am not convinced this is a shit test, rather than her trying to communicate. I am curious to ask her what she thinks I am looking for to get a sense of what I am doing wrong (though the "sweet" gives me a big clue). She was more fun than most girls to talk to and might make a good pivot. Any thoughts on how I should read this?

For context: We got to the date together, and she paid since I drove (telling me I could get next time). Then after talking for 30-40 mins and lots of kino on her leg, some prolonged, she initiates the move (I was going to in a bit). I suggest we go back to my place for tea and music and she agrees. We get there and I start making the tea, we look at my movie collection from my bed, and find we like a lot of the same films. I suggest watching one, and she tells me she is not in the proper mood. I am feeling it, so I set next to her, and kiss her. She takes it, but unlike most of my kisses I have these days, she doesn't get into it (like kissing a statue with unmoving lips), and it lasts a second. I get the sense that to continue would have been forcing myself on her. She tells me that I am very forward, and I agree not knowing what else to say. We talk a little more, then I kiss again, and it is the same. She then moves to leave, saying she is feeling overwhelmed by the place after a long day and two tests, and that she has had bad experiences though she thinks I am very sweet and wants to hang out again. I try to get her to stay for the tea we were suppose to have, but she insists. I drive her home, more kino, and when I move to hug her as she get out, she instead kisses me 2x more, this time slightly more into it, but her lips barely moving, so it is impossible to prolong. This morning we made tentative plans to hang out this afternoon, before she sent me that text.

I was kind of slotting her into a fun FWB category in my head. Super fun to hang out with but not what I would want in a girlfriend.

you went for the kill when she was no ready, and she is having "asd" for the next meet, thinking in the next meet you are expecting to get laid....

- tell her you understand and she might be right, but you and her don't know if is 100% factual cause you barely know each other, but again you understand how she might have gotten that impression.... Tell her "i tell you what lets go for ______ activity, Make sure very informal and nothing straight over the home... you are going to have a blast, if after you still feel are uncompatable then it is what it is, rather be 100% right than half right.... anyways, there is the cool place i heard about do you like tacos? (soft close), then if positive response and no objection then only then go for hard close....


- in the next meet slow the escalation down, once she is relax and guard down, micro escalate, if she gets uncomfortable back off, rinse wash repeat... you need to make sure you do everything right on the second meet, cause if you don't fuck her, friendzone central...

 

[stillunknocket]

you went for the kill when she was no ready, and she is having "asd" for the next meet, thinking in the next meet you are expecting to get laid....

Could all be true. I am having trouble analyzing the situation though since she seemed not to like my initial suggestion to take a walk after we moved (at least in town; I can't remember why she didn't take my suggestion to go to the park). Then she told me as we approached my house that she could not stay too long since her dog needed to be let out. So I was thinking I needed to move fast once she was inside.

She seemed comfortable with my Kino throughout, at least she did not react negatively, and I felt comfortable, and we kept talking in a comfortable way. Even as I sat next to her and put my arm sort of behind her back without holding her (arm was diagonal to support my weight, but it was a partial hold). This was ~2 mins before I kissed her first.

 

[Karea Ricardus D.]

My friend and wingman said that this was a shit test and said I should respond "I understand, when would you like to meet next?" I am not convinced this is a shit test, rather than her trying to communicate.

You have significantly better social intuition than your friend, at least in this situation.

Most likely she was thinking of you as boyfriend material and now she is in cognitive dissonance because she let herself go too much and enjoyed it.
She thinks you will not respect her and think of her as a FWB.

I think uriel nailed it. The hint is in the word "sweet" which she used twice. When I first read it I thought she's friend-zoning you. But, then she kissed you a few more times, even if hesitantly, this is still on. She just has you in the "sweet boy-friend" category in her mind.

When a girl sees a guy as a potential boy-friend, she will slow down sex as much as possible because she will be worried that he thinks she's easy. She's worried that he won't trust her once they're in an LTR... because he knows she puts out easy.

As far as I can gather from evolutionary biology books, 6 out of every 7 girls are "easy" given the right application of game, but they will all fake the "not easy" thing if they have you pegged as a provider / boy-friend type. Even hookers do this!

I would go full attainable, tell her something like “hey, I know yesterday was weird… it felt a little too fast… I am also a little worried you think I don’t want you seriously, I do. Wanna grab a coffee instead?” (or something where you escalate DOWN)

If you really don’t care for her as anything other than FWB, I guess you could try to plow your way through with a “friends who have sex” frame but I think that has a low chance of working.

Agreed with this also... the highest probability move now is to play into the boy-friend role... however, I would urge you not to do this if you're not sincere about it. It will only end up hurting her... and she's going to hate you in the future. It will also cause a lot of drama at some point.

In contrast, here's what I would consider the highest integrity move - meet her again, be casual, and try to clarify in a subtle but clear way what you're after. This is women's preferred communication style: "subtle but clear" (I know this sounds like a contradiction to us).

Depending on your level of experience, this is going to be difficult, because it requires pretty advanced communication skills. This is difficult mostly because you've already (inadvertently) set the wrong frame and will have to re-frame everything.

Ball is in your court... I recommend you go with option 2 even if it fails. Plenty more girls out there, and you've already stated you don't really see her as a potential serious GF.

-Karea.

 

[stillunknocket]

In contrast, here's what I would consider the highest integrity move - meet her again, be casual, and try to clarify in a subtle but clear way what you're after. This is women's preferred communication style: "subtle but clear" (I know this sounds like a contradiction to us).

I guess my best approach for taking this angle would be to use Skill's advice.