Is this a test? My greatest hurdle

[Egor]

Even before I found this community, when my natural game and confidence was flowing at the community college, I would hit this wall. Now that I am coming up on a year since deliberately practicing cold approach this hurdle has reared its ugly head again prominently. It is the boyfriend. I will approach, gain some rapport, and then introduce either going out or ask for her number; and then I am hit with 'I have a boyfriend'! I have tried some different responses to this but overall I find it very frustrating as it has happened time and time again with attractive girls.

I have read in some books that this is the 'elephant in the room' of the seduction community- the relationship status of the girl you approach. However I know there is no way all these chicks are so strictly monogamous that they will write off every other guy. I could use some insight.

 

[Toby2030]

Your problems are probably twofold:
1. Dealing with resistance
2:. Seeding the pull

1. Dealing with resistance
You can receive two types of resistance when you meet a girl. Two types of resistance that has to be solved differently:
1. An objection, which is when a girl has an emotional resistance towards you. It could either be that she doesn't feel she know you well enough or that she isn't that type of girl etc.
2. A condition, which is when the girl has a logical and external obstacle that's outside of the girl's control. Maybe she has to meet her parents at 7 pm or she has to get up early the next morning for work.

If it's the direct "I have a boyfriend" resistance you get, it's as explained above an objection. Objections have to be treated EMOTIONALLY and not logical. Change her mood not her mind. I like using misinterpretations myself. "Relax I just met you we are not at that point yet" and then change the conversational topic and continue. I would then afterwards try to switch the conversation towards resistance removing frames such as you don't kiss and tell, you aren't judgemental, people should go for their desires and live in the moment etc.

If it's something like "I have to eat dinner with my boyfriend at 6 pm", then it's a condition and has to be treated logically. It's problem you have to solve. "It will only take 30 minutes and you can be back" "Let me grab your number and let's see each other tomorrow at 2 pm.

2. Seeding the pull
Pulling is not a one move thing and a theme that should exist from the beginning of the interaction. Try next time to seed the idea of you and her doing something together as early as possible. A lot of times you can strengthen this idea that you bring up a lot more before you will get a direct objection. However, sometimes they will still come up as you mentioned, and you will have more time to figure out how to deal with them. You rather want an objection when you have time during the interaction and can reframe them rather than when you are leaving and have to solve everything on the spot.

One of the benefits of seeding the pull early is also that you quickly can figure out if she has anything against the date idea. She might not like to drink alcohol, and asking her to go for a drink will lead to rejection not just because of you, but also because she doesn't like the idea.

It's also very important how you frame the pull and how much she has to invest. Imagine that she has to tell her friends the day after how she met you
1: "He said I looked beautiful and we went directly to his apartment and had sex"
or
2: "He was not sure about me and he was a little picky. We talked about our shared love for homemade pizza, and we got this crazy idea of making it together because he had already made the dough. Normally he did not want to bring every girl directly home but as he said, we had this crazy connection and we walked to his place"

As you see:
Seed - seed the pull idea as early as possible
Frame - frame it as a win for her
Qualify - let her chase the idea and make her work for it
Lead - lead her strongly when she has agreed. Don't ask for permission just say let's go and walk.

Hope this helps.

 

[ulrich]

Ooof, the boyfriend… that one is pretty tricky, it could be a test and it could be a true objection.

Here’s a quick troubleshoot I use when it happens:

1) Did the boyfriend objection come out of the blue?

If yes, that means you’re giving off a needy vibe and need to work on that.

2) Did you do something that unwillingly triggered the objection too soon in the interaction (direct opener, sexual compliment)?

If it was too soon, perhaps you should wait to build more comfort before doing that kind of moves. Work on your calibration.
At this point the boyfriend could be real or not, the fact is that you went too fast and the objection acted as brake.

3) Did you build enough comfort and the objection came when you tried to move the interaction forward (asked for her number, did an invite)?

In this case your calibration is OK and it is likely there is indeed a “boyfriend” of sorts.

Notice that for a girl, “boyfriend” might mean “guy I like a lot but I only dated once”, “orbiter friend that I may give a chance one day”, “ex-boyfriend I want to get back”, “sexy guy at work that sometimes flirts with me” and an actual boyfriend.
In this case, you need to test her to see if the boyfriend is real: “Oh you got a boyfriend, how serious is that? Like getting married and all?”

If she says that yes, she has a serious boyfriend and her relationship is good and it feels sincere to you, you would probably like to drop the lead right there.
If she starts complaining about the boyfriend or says she is not sure it’s a formal thing, then that’s a signal for you to move forward addressing those objections and painting yourself like a different guy who is also very discreet.


Truth is more than 50% of the people out there are in relationships.
If you are doing daygame, you’re going to find this a lot…. but you have to make sure to distinguish which girls are saying the truth and which are just giving knee-jerk objections.

 

[Egor]

Notice that for a girl, “boyfriend” might mean “guy I like a lot but I only dated once”, “orbiter friend that I may give a chance one day”, “ex-boyfriend I want to get back”, “sexy guy at work that sometimes flirts with me” and an actual boyfriend.
In this case, you need to test her to see if the boyfriend is real: “Oh you got a boyfriend, how serious is that? Like getting married and all?”


Truth is more than 50% of the people out there are in relationships.
If you are doing daygame, you’re going to find this a lot…. but you have to make sure to distinguish which girls are saying the truth and which are just giving knee-jerk objections.

Thanks for the responses. Mr. uriel, I think this test about the boyfriend is a good idea and may be useful. My boyfriend rejections are all daygame, come to think of it. I am going to try more night game but it just sucks staying out wicked late to get results, I like my sleep and morning time.

 

[ulrich]

My boyfriend rejections are all daygame, come to think of it.

Well, it’s a normal part of daygame don’t get discouraged. Just keep going.

 

[Rain]

Notice that for a girl, “boyfriend” might mean “guy I like a lot but I only dated once”, “orbiter friend that I may give a chance one day”, “ex-boyfriend I want to get back”, “sexy guy at work that sometimes flirts with me” and an actual boyfriend

Do you think that 80% of women[4/5 responses above] who say they have a boyfriend, do not actually have one that is conservative and/or they are not currently sleeping with anyone, from approaches from day game? Or did I read too much into your post?

 

[ulrich]

Can’t really say.
It’s going to depend on your calibration… the less calibrated you are, the more you will hear that they have boyfriends (and you will never be 100% sure what exactly “boyfriend” means for them).

As a rule of thumb, I assume that 50% of the girls I meet through daygame will have someone already. But that’s a number I pulled from my ass LOL

 

[West_Indian_Archie]

I will approach, gain some rapport, and then introduce either going out or ask for her number; and then I am hit with 'I have a boyfriend'! I have tried some different responses to this but overall I find it very frustrating as it has happened time and time again with attractive girls.

I have read in some books that this is the 'elephant in the room' of the seduction community- the relationship status of the girl you approach. However I know there is no way all these chicks are so strictly monogamous that they will write off every other guy. I could use some insight.

It could be a lot of things
- You're not dressed well, bad breath, your behavior doesn't match the story she's built in her head
- You not paying attention to body language or social dynamics
- Going into rapport/an easy chat before you start gaining attraction
- Not qualifying her
- Ignoring attraction altogether and just building rapport and going for the #
- Chasing her down direct style, and not giving her enough value so that she chases you instead
- Going for the number instead of the instadate

On and on. There is not enough information here to really make a good diagnosis, or prescribe a solution.

WIA

 

[Egor]

your behavior doesn't match the story she's built in her head


WIA

Can you elaborate on this?

 

[West_Indian_Archie]

Can you elaborate on this?

So when I was a young lad, I was wearing jeans, t-shirts, and etnies. The girl's idea of who I am was that I was a skater.

As time went on, hair grew out, more bass in my voice, always at the concerts - Then I'm a hip hopper

These days, grey in my beard, ideally suited up, crisp dress shirt - This guy is an exec/business person.

She stereotypes, she writes stores in her mind of what I guy will be when he talks to her.

So if I'm suited up, and I talk to a chick in her mid 20's - I'm either "daddy", father-figure (to be avoided), or sugar daddy (something I need to avoid). I know that going into the interaction, and I can play with her expectations.

If I roll up on a chick in her early to mid 30s, suited up, smelling good - I've got the look of a possible LTR.

All of this is about the social dynamics of the situation, the image you present, and the type of girls you go after.

That's the baseline. As pick up artists, the guy that looks like a skinhead/gym rat/mma/bouncer - he has to have some of that going on about himself - but also talk about loving his little sister.

So we move from archetype/stereotype to complex.

A lot of girls cannot see themselves with a certain type of guy. Like what 19 year old in America wants to seriously date a middle aged guy with a paunch? So the middle aged guy has to understand what she may be thinking and give her something she can run with.

Middle Aged Guy with a paunch becomes really interesting college professor.
Scary looking guy is actually a great dancer.

Weird looking skinny guy with mismatched eyes is actually an artist.

ETC.

This is "big picture" stuff, and to bring it down to the practical level when it comes to day game/night game - starts with building a consistent look. A consistent look (and a consistent life) tells the girl a story before you even start to talk to her.

If you're doing a white t-shirt and jeans, you can style your hair and look straight out of the 50's.

If you're a label whore wearing designers plastered across your chest - lean into the Euro Douchebag thing.

Give her a story.

Because when you don't, she writes one. And rather than react to you and what you're doing, she's reacting to this internal narrative.

WIA

 

[Skills]

It could be a lot of things
- You're not dressed well, bad breath, your behavior doesn't match the story she's built in her head
- You not paying attention to body language or social dynamics
- Going into rapport/an easy chat before you start gaining attraction
- Not qualifying her
- Ignoring attraction altogether and just building rapport and going for the #
- Chasing her down direct style, and not giving her enough value so that she chases you instead
- Going for the number instead of the instadate

On and on. There is not enough information here to really make a good diagnosis, or prescribe a solution.

WIA

Yeah if you are constantly getting "i have a boyfriend"... She is not interested..

 

[Rain]

So if I'm suited up, and I talk to a chick in her mid 20's - I'm either "daddy", father-figure (to be avoided), or sugar daddy (something I need to avoid). I know that going into the interaction, and I can play with her expectations.

In this type of interaction, when you're suited up, what are some of the things you might say to change her expectations?

 

[Egor]

Yeah if you are constantly getting "i have a boyfriend"... She is not interested..

Thanks for the solid disqualification sir.

 

[Skills]

Thanks for the solid disqualification sir.

my point is that since you are getting constantly, is either cause you are presenting yourself poorly (fundamentals) or not getting her to hook/invest/get attracted, and you are getting the easy knee jerk reaction response of "i have a boyfriend".....

if she actually have a boyfriend she is not interested... Unless her body language and subcommunication betrayes her and you can see she clearly into you then is "pausible deniability" and she is saying this for her to take of responsibility of the consequenses of getting seduced... This happens a lot with married women... If this is the case "awesome, i am not a home breaker nor i am interested in you to live your husband, just friends, then cont plowing" and cont. with the seduction
if she does not have a boyfriend and tells you she has one (she is not interested is a rejection)

 

[Rakehell]

I will approach, gain some rapport, and then introduce either going out or ask for her number; and then I am hit with 'I have a boyfriend'! I have tried some different responses to this but overall I find it very frustrating as it has happened time and time again with attractive girls.

thats super common dude

check out your delivery and immediate reaction

ask them how long they’ve had that problem for

Her: i have a boyfriend

“yeah?? how long u had that problem?”
with a cocky smirk

persisting with confidence seems to work against the “i have a boyfriend” wall

you also might wanna switch gears and disqualify yourself as a potential boyfriend really early in the interaction. tell her you’re leaving town soon, ask how many boyfriends she has

since they’re sticking around and talking I don’t think theres something wrong with your fundamentals but maybe they aren’t fully sold on you and want to test if you’ll crumble at the thought of her having a boyfriend

so yeah persist and if she sticks to her “i have a boyfriend” or starts getting visually annoyed or uncomfortable then you know she isn’t interested.

 

[Egor]

I think the answer is that I need to get into night game. I need to bring about the dark moon magic that Mystery and Style had. Bars and clubs where girls expect to be approached and get into a ONS.

Thanks WIA for explaining your point about style/look and what type of girl you may be approaching; I will consider it more than I already have. I have a dynamic style and wardrobe and I don't think attire is my issue.

 

[ulrich]

I think the answer is that I need to get into night game. I need to bring about the dark moon magic that Mystery and Style had. Bars and clubs where girls expect to be approached and get into a ONS.

Not necessarily.
Night game will expose you to women that are expecting to be approached and for the same reason they will have their shields up and you will face more competition.

Two different games with different challenges.
Don’t give up at the first setback.