Is trauma a red flag in relationships?

[orkie123]

Many girls I meet have some form of trauma. An ex that was toxic to her, parents issues, depression, assault etc.

Whenever a girl tells me about her trauma, especially if she shares it really early on (1st-2nd meet), it's an immediate turn off considering her for anything serious. Part of why I don't like it is that if a girl is sharing her trauma with me too early, then probably half the world knows it.

Personally I think people should keep such things private unless it's someone you trust deeply. That said, I also like to deep dive girls and sometimes it's then that girls feel comfortable to share. Maybe I shouldn't go so deep haha.

Am I being too harsh, and are there any traumas that are less of a problem?

 

[Will_V]

IMO, all trauma is a red flag - but a red flag is just that, a warning sign.

The real question is how it affects her current behavior and reality. If she's being a victim about it, that's pretty much an immediate fail for me. If she doesn't seem to have processed it well - she's still emotionally tangled in it - the warning sign turns into an alarm bell. And if I see bad behavior early on in a relationship that I think I can trace to some trauma or deep negative reinforcement, that's basically a fail - I'm not interested in being a therapist, and it's much easier to cover up bad tendencies early on, so it's only going to get worse.

I try not to judge her opening up fast to me, after all I want her to trust me and submit to me fast - instead I would look for signs she's being a victim about things or being super needy. If she's dumping it on everyone, it's going to show up in her general attitude.

I'm pretty open when it comes to giving girls I like an opportunity to prove themselves, but I know I'm capable of reading people well, trusting my gut, and ending things if I need to. If you're a guy who has a hard time seeing the road ahead or making the decision to tell her 'nope', it's best to have strict rules.

 

[Rakehell]

Whenever a girl tells me about her trauma, especially if she shares it really early on (1st-2nd meet), it's an immediate turn off considering her for anything serious. Part of why I don't like it is that if a girl is sharing her trauma with me too early, then probably half the world knows it.

You’d be correct. I feel like the line between crazy girl “over sharing” and regular over sharing is semi- blurred now, since that’s kind of where society is lately.

“Generational curses”, “Healing”, “Neuro Divergent”, “Trauma”, psuedo-psychology shit like that is pretty damn common. So likewise it can be pretty hard to distinguish what’s coming from a sincere place, a misinformed yet influenced place, or a “red flag” kind of place.

And you actually answered your own question in so far as how fast they open up, and how much you solicited the response.

If you’re just getting to know a girl and she finds a way to segway the convo into her “deep dark past”, and her “traumas”. And it feels weird or like it doesn’t fit the context of what you’re talking about, then yeah probably not someone you want to hop in a relationship with.

Don’t fall into the trap of thinking that it’s because your connection is so instant or you’re so trustworthy that they feel comfortable enough to share. Especially when you didn’t directly or indirectly ask.

It’s pretty much a hallmark of someone who is gonna be more headache than you want to deal with.

Having “trauma” itself isn’t a red flag, everyone has bad things that’ve happened to them. Not everyone flaunts it or touches on it on a semi-regular basis like they’re trying to elicit a response from you.

Tldr:
-Did I push the conversation this way
-How does this fit the context of our dialogue
-How soon did it happen and how much else do I know about them other than that

 

[TwoNameGame]

IMO, all trauma is a red flag - but a red flag is just that, a warning sign.

The real question is how it affects her current behavior and reality.

Agreed.

Unless you are a professional, only she can pull herself out of that mess. At best, you can be a good listener as she emotionally drains you with negativity and makes you feel powerfess. At worst, she is unwilling to improve herself and the relationship drags you down.

Accept your limits. Know when to leave.

Deep dive and find out why she told you, what she plans to/ did about it, and what she is like. Then ask yourself the same. Some women try to improve and become positive forces. Others... don't.

 

[Atlas IV]

Honestly, most women have trauma of some kind. There was a study showing that 97% of women in the UK aged 18-24 have been sexually harassed. You'll be in the lucky 3% to find a girl who hasn't experienced trauma of some kind.

And if you're talking about unresolved childhood trauma, well, almost everybody has that, both men and women (read The Truth by Neil Strauss).

The question isn't "does she have trauma", it's "how bad is it?" A girl who was raped by a family friend is going to be very different from a girl who was groped at school.

The other question is, is it resolved or unresolved? Has she faced the trauma and/or been the therapy? Serious unresolved sexual trauma is definitely going to manifest itself in a relationship. But if she's confronted the trauma and actually understands how it affected her, then it's not a red flag at all in my mind, it's a green flag (shows self-awareness and the ability to change).

 

[Will_V]

Agreed.

Unless you are a professional, only she can pull herself out of that mess. At best, you can be a good listener as she emotionally drains you with negativity and makes you feel powerfess. At worst, she is unwilling to improve herself and the relationship drags you down.

Accept your limits. Know when to leave.

Deep dive and find out why she told you, what she plans to/ did about it, and what she is like. Then ask yourself the same. Some women try to improve and become positive forces. Others... don't.

Yeah, even a therapist can't do anything unless someone really wants to fix their own problems for their own sake.

Anything that she does for you is, in her mind, emotionally attached to you, and contingent on how she feels about you. Sooner or later she'll be upset about something and then you'll be dealing not only with whatever caused the upset, but all her bad habits that she's stopped trying to control.

In my experience, the biggest psychological red flag is emotional dysregulation. If she went through some difficult relationships or whatever, fine, but if she can't or won't hold things together (typical female ups and downs notwithstanding), I don't want to deal with that.

 

[orkie123]

I try not to judge her opening up fast to me, after all I want her to trust me and submit to me fast - instead I would look for signs she's being a victim about things or being super needy. If she's dumping it on everyone, it's going to show up in her general attitude.

I'm pretty open when it comes to giving girls I like an opportunity to prove themselves, but I know I'm capable of reading people well, trusting my gut, and ending things if I need to. If you're a guy who has a hard time seeing the road ahead or making the decision to tell her 'nope', it's best to have strict rules.

Currently I lean to being too cold. I do trust my gut but its hard to regulate my attraction for someone, and oversharing early is like a switch the same way a desperate guy is to a girl.

I like when girls can trust me quickly, but I also feel girls are telling me stuff like being raped or serious family issues before we reach that level of intimacy. That can happen on 1st date but only if we've progressively shared more and more.

I will try to being more empathetic and see where that leads me to though.

 

[Will_V]

I like when girls can trust me quickly, but I also feel girls are telling me stuff like being raped or serious family issues before we reach that level of intimacy. That can happen on 1st date but only if we've progressively shared more and more.

Yeah, saying really confronting stuff like that when you're on the first date is definitely a bad sign. At a minimum it shows that she's not worrying about losing you - either she's not invested in you, or she thinks you're not the sort of guy that filters out that sort of thing.

Generally though, if you're in the lover frame, she's going to be willing to show parts of herself she doesn't normally show. Whether something is too much is up to you.

I can remember at least one time where a girl told me something out of the blue that pretty much immediately made me decide I wouldn't see her a second time. It's not like I thought there was some rule I had to follow, I just found it very distasteful and that was it. We did have a great night together though.

The main thing is to know what your relationship filters are and make sure you apply them before things start heading in that direction.

 

[orkie123]

Yeah, saying really confronting stuff like that when you're on the first date is definitely a bad sign. At a minimum it shows that she's not worrying about losing you - either she's not invested in you, or she thinks you're not the sort of guy that filters out that sort of thing.

Generally though, if you're in the lover frame, she's going to be willing to show parts of herself she doesn't normally show. Whether something is too much is up to you.

I can remember at least one time where a girl told me something out of the blue that pretty much immediately made me decide I wouldn't see her a second time. It's not like I thought there was some rule I had to follow, I just found it very distasteful and that was it. We did have a great night together though.

The main thing is to know what your relationship filters are and make sure you apply them before things start heading in that direction.

Thats reassuring as I do sometimes doubt myself being too cold.

In reality, I think its more likely I push away good girls then the other way around, so while im not going to completely ignore my warning bells, I'll try to slow down my judgement for less severe traumas.

Thanks

 

[Lover]

Love the timing of this post as I have been wondering the same thing recently.

I think every man should accept that every woman comes with some baggage, be it mild, moderate or major/traumatic.

The major baggage can be a big issue if it's unresolved, or if it's resolved but left a huge mark regardless. A lot of unresolved mild or moderate baggage may also be too much to consider a woman for anything more than a night or two. At least for my taste

It will help the screening process if we can determine what degree her baggage falls in, and how she is handling it. This will depend on different factors, such as but not limited to

• her way of framing said baggage (i.e. is it something that just happened to her but it's okay and she's handling it? Or is it her whole identity like with victims?)
• her upbringing (i.e. how does her family handle problems in their lives? And does she have any family baggage?)
• her biggest daily-life influences (pretty much what @Rakehell was onto regarding society nowadays)
• has she resolved the issue? How did she do it? Where has it left her?

When you get an idea of where the baggage she's sharing with you lands in your mind, you can better determine if she's someone you want to move forward with.

I honestly think it's better to figure out some/most of these things BEFORE you get into an LTR with someone. At least you should have an idea what kind of baggage it is. It's better if you know how big of a deal it is, but it's not possible to know that right away everytime

Personally, I would hate to learn these things about someone once I care for her and love her. Some girls out there won't say anything about their baggage until you're committed to them. And if you have a hard time leaving them, you may get stuck for a long time.

A girl mildly or moderately sharing her baggage? I can work that.