JRob journal

[JRob]

Note: I’m new to this whole journal thing. So I apologize in advance if this is not well written.

I've been checking out the site for a few months, and I finally decided to join the conversation and learn more. I guess the catalyst was some of the stuff I mention below. I spent a long time in an unhealthy relationship, and now I'm single. And I didn't do much before that, so I'm really in trouble. I make a few approaches and some good compliments, but I still need to keep the ball rolling and close. I work at a big college, but I'm still a little scared to approach people at work. Well let's start.

March 4

"The Awful Blind Date"

So I got setup on a blind date from somebody that knows somebody, and they thought that would be a good match. (Maybe they thought it would be a good match because of the age or professional attainment.) She’s 28, and I’m 35 (but frequently mistaken for being in my 20’s and I look pretty good). So I get the number, call the girl, setup the date, and chat a bit (she wanted to chat more, but I had a late work function). What I heard about her seemed to check out. I arrive at the restaurant early, get the table, and the girl shows up on time. The girls was polite, we had a good meal, and decent conversation (she led most of it). I walked her to her car, and she asked me to call when I get home. On the face of it that might sound like a successful date, but there’s still a problem. I was not even remotely attracted to her. The personality wasn’t really a great match either, but the attraction was non-existent (truthfully a turn-off). I didn’t call back, but I did politely text that “I had a good time and appreciate her company, but I’m looking for a slightly different match”. I’m a nice guy and not a shallow guy, but I just can’t do a second date when the attraction isn’t there. I guess that proves the point that you have to approach, if you want to date somebody that you would like to know better. And if people around me think that I should settle, well I value myself a bit greater than DUST!
-JRob

March 5

"The Shocking two-minute close"

I was just leaving the mall, after failing to approach anyone for an hour and a half, when I noticed this girl and her friends on the escalator with me. I saw her face and said to myself “no too young, I keep it legal”. Then the young guy behind me said “Hey”, “hi”, “her over there, hi”, and I said to myself “is this kid trying to open”? I moved so that he could get closer to talk to her, but he didn’t. I thought maybe he isn’t really committed to the approach, and isn’t willing to leave his friends. Then her friend replied, “No, you can’t talk to her that’s my girl!” Now that would have stopped me in my tracks, and she didn’t just say it once, but twice! The kid cut through that blocker like a freaking chainsaw. He said no it’s not like that we don’t have to fight or anything. The next thing I knew he made a comment about e**ing and was gone with the girl. I missed some of the conversation, but what did I miss? Did his friends intervene? What would I say? Well, if it were me I would say “no we don’t have to fight, you don’t have to beat me up, but Wow is that your lover? (Challenging that assertion) You have really good taste. Speaking of taste, I also e** well at the dinner table I just bring different utensils.” But that’s just a guess. The whole thing was two minutes or less, and that brother didn’t look as sharp as me or some other well dressed guys that were in the mall.

-JRob

 

[Seppuku]

Hey JRob,

Welcome to the Journals. I know where you're coming from, I found myself on the dating market after 15 years with the same woman, not even knowing how and where to start. Let me share a few thoughts with you if you don't mind.

First, I wouldn't worry about your age. For the guys, age is not a problem, perhaps even the opposite (I'm 46).

In order to get the right mindset, you will need to reach a stage where you have not one, but many girls constantly texting on your phone. This is your goal. When you're there you're in the position to chose and decide. You will have abundance mentality, and therefore outcome independence. Your communication, body language etc... will reflect just that and make you very attractive to girls, therefore allowing you to keep more and more girls on your phone, etc... the beginning of the virtuous circle.

In order to get there you will find it helpful to lower your standards. Better to have many many 6s than a few 9s. You will learn faster, gain the required confidence etc... Regarding this awful blind date... The question to ask yourself is whether you would give her a good fuck or not. If you fuck her, you don't have to stick around if do not wish so. But that counts as one data point towards your learning curve. If attraction is not there, it's not there, but well, just think about it again. Would you have fucked her?

If you're able to take a girl to bed on the first date, within a couple of hours of first meeting her ever, the girl will actually just love it and be grateful for it, no matter what they say. Problems come later, when they try to grab you and stick you into a relationship.

By the way relationships, in my view, are what this is all about, of course. It's no just lining up fucks and numbers. At the end of the day, this is about building relationships *on your terms*. Problem being that we guys are born clueless about that, and get ourselves naively on relationships on girls terms. No no no. That doesn't work. In order to be in a position to define the relationships the way you want, you will need to be in the right mindset. Many girls, abundance mentality, outcome independence, confident that you can quickly get a new girl to bed whenever you wish so.

I hope that helps bro!

Cheers,
Seppuku
PS. Regarding girls age, you'll have easier time with girls aged 20 to 25, and harder time with girls over 32.

 

[JRob]

March 10th

"First Lunch Break Approach"

Okay, so as you may recall I work at a big university. That's important because you rarely see the same person twice (if you're out in a common area). Also, while I'm highly unlikely to have any conflicts of interest, I've still been hesitant to approach any woman while on campus (no abuse of authority issues). With that said, I got my haircut (prior), headphones on, and sought my mindset to approach. Next stop, the Union food court! So with it being mid-term week it was truly packed. There was barely a seat to be found. That's the plan, context for an interaction. So I grabbed a snack, took a seat, and looked for someone to invite to my table. I couldn't quite capitalize on that, and transition to an approach (my fault not the situation). So eventually I left my seat got another snack, and when I got back someone was at my table, but not someone that seemed approachable. So I walked around and eventually spotted a girl sitting alone (actually the third one), worked up the nerve, and made my approach. Oh, for the record that was a pretty and apparently intelligent woman.

Me: Hi, what's your name?
Her: Rachel
Me: My name is J
Me: Now that we know each other can I have a seat?
Her: Yes, but I have to leave in three minutes. (nervously and hurriedly)
Me: That's fine; I'll have the table to myself
Me: So what are you studying here?
Her: Nothing, my exams were Tuesday.
Me: Wow, so you're done.
Her: Yep, I'm done for the week, just class
Her: I finish up this semester
Me: So you're a senior
Her: Yeah.
Her: What are you studying here?
Me: I'm not unless they twist my arm and make me go back (Worst answer possible. I undersold myself. I have two sets of letters behind my name, and I'm studying for another professional cert., I'm just not feeling a Ph.D. right now)
Me: Are you sticking around or planning to move?
Her: Yeah, I'm moving to * (I'm not going to be descriptive. She's moving to a nearby city where I have family)
Me: Are you from around here?
Her: No, I'm from * (She told me where, but I'm not going to get that descriptive. It's a place in my state that I'm familiar with).
Me: Yeah, that's off to the west.
Her: Yeah, at the state boarder
Me: I actually planned to visit a lake nearby (I described the lake and she was very familiar with it)
Her: I have a friend that has a camp out there. It's a great place to go.
Me: Wow really. I'm going to definitely have to get out there. (I should have followed up by asking for more descriptions and comparing it to comparable places I've been)
Me: (I talked a little bit more but nothing major that resonated after that)
Her: I have to go. Nice talking to you.
Me: Good luck with everything you're doing

Yep, that's right I didn't ask for the number, I didn't close, and I'll likely never see her again. I didn't feel like I got deep enough. That said, I still feel it was a decent interaction. Literally, every day beautiful, intelligent women walk through my life un-approached. At the very least I approached one!

Thanks to Seppuku for the insight and words of encouragement. Regarding that blind date, yep it was really that bad (zero attraction). Sorry if my writing still sucks.

 

[JRob]

March 12th

After approaching tonight, I got my 1st phone number.

“St. Patrick’s Day Parade After-party”

So in my city there are several bars that have events after and probably during the parade. However, I have NEVER gone to anything other than the parade. So I drove by well after the parade, and went to eat at a bar/restaurant. While in line I meet two girls, I ask them what I missed and where to go. They drunkenly but politely told me where (while shocked that as a resident, I didn’t know). I bought them a snack. It didn’t cost much and I figured I would be polite back. Instead of sitting with them (uninvited), I ordered a beer in the separate part of the place (you have to if you want it) and scoped out the place. After not really getting anywhere with anyone else, I caught the girls before they left to thanked them again and ask for their name in case I see them later. I got their name and went off to the other bar. (Note, I should have made a memo note in my phone, because I forgot those names by drink #2). I chatted with a few people, got hugged by a few guys (why do my fundamentals attract friendship from guys when I want attention from girls, ARGGH!). Anyway, I opened 7 girls, and got 1 number. On the side note, I only asked for one number. I really need to learn how to keep the conversation flowing (I almost botched this one and could have gotten at least two sets of numbers). Anyhow, there was this pretty brunet that I met from a city nearby. I told her that her hair was pretty (truth), and that I wanted to know her name; asked where she was from; what brought her out tonight; etc. I chatted a bit more about stuff going on around us, and eventually got the number (I told her it’s to catch up and chat when she goes out again, but I don’t want that I want to take her to lunch or dinner or something). Now what?

Interesting Notes: A couple of guys way older than me were killing it out there. I got the “that’s my wife” statement from a couple of girls I was talking to. I noticed that if you want to dance you have to be aggressive and actually take someone by the hand. If there’s a guy with the girl they don’t like that, but oh well.

Thanks fellas for all the helpful advice and posts. It’s truly appreciated. Night game is fun, Day game is terrifying and exciting, but the big payoff is becoming more social and happy with one’s self.
-J

 

[JRob]

March 17

Okay, I don’t know if all this merits putting on my journal, but here it goes.
There were four day game interactions, one halfhearted night game approach, and the beginning of my exploration of Tinder.

Four day game interactions (not really approaches):
-I complimented a girl on here hat, a little banter about why she’s not wearing it and returned to work
-I saw a woman outside staring off into space, asked her what she was concentrating so hard on, got her polite reply and moved on
*why those two are relevant = conversationalist chops.
-made positive eye contact with a girl, got a smile, moved on
-mimicked a girl staring up at a tree, got a smile, and a laugh, moved on
*slightly relevant, maybe proof of positive eye contact and fundamentals (basically I’m ditching my shades)

One halfhearted night game approach:
So here’s a little context, an ally of mine got canned, so I wasn’t in the best of moods (even during the day). Still I decided to go out, to get a feel for the happy hour scene around my town. So I went to a bar that was supposed to have karaoke, but instead saw March Madness. Then eventually a woman sat next to me, while waiting for her umm “friend?” So after listening to her ask the bartenders where this guy is, watching her frustrated texting, and eventually taking it out on her phone, I found myself compelled to say something. So I make some small talk about the traffic, why I came here, how everything and the kitchen sink is in my drink, and then I head out saying that I hope her friend eventually shows. She’s says he will, he’s co-owner. And I scurry away, shocked as heck.

March 17 & 18
So after my lack luster night out, I finally embarked on my third mission, Tinder. That’s right, Tinder. There’s day game, night game, social circle, and Tinder. I don’t really like to focus on social circle because it involves someone hooking you up with somebody else (as discussed below). Anyway, I put together my profile, they request a lot from Facebook, got a good pic (selfie not professional, later I added more but still not professional), and got to swiping. There is an app called swipy that can make this faster. Anyway, I got a few matches, messaged a couple of people, and eventually got a lunch date (after messaging back and forth). By the way, Colt has some good articles on Tinder.


March 19
Two of my cousins tried to hook me up with two different people at the same party. Can you say awkward? So the most aggressive match maker won out. So I chatted got the number, and found that she works at the same place as my sister. She’s interesting and not a bad match, but I don’t want to get stuck in the boyfriend zone before I even start.

 

[JRob]

March 21

I got a tentative Friday date from Tinder. I need to text my may into the logistics.

 

[JRob]

March 24

I had a lunch date with a girl meet on Tinder that actually works on my campus. We texted our fingers off making it happen. At first she wasn't going to meet until April 9th, but I persisted and offered an alternative. While she might not exactly match the picture, she is clever, educated, impressive, and still cute.

 

[JRob]

March 30

I planned on resetting my Tinder profile, but a girl I worked on started texting me. Also, a super glamorous woman messaged me and hasn't replied since.

 

[JRob]

March 31

I had date with a beautiful girl that I met on Tinder. i thought that I was dead in the water from messaging, but got her to text me, and got the date. My conversational skills weren't great and I was nervous, but I still think I made a good impression.

 

[JRob]

April 1

I chatted up a cute girl that was in a line with me just to keep up my conversation skills. I'm kind of annoyed that I didn't try to close, but I have been texting a lot. Oddly, the only person to text me unprompted today was my date from last night. That's not the norm.

 

[Seppuku]

Hey JRob man,

Key word on a date: uber cool, no nervousness, no frustration if things don't go as expected.

About conversation skills, it's very simple: get her talking. You just direct the flow of the conversation but she speaks most of the time. Easy, girls love to speak about themselves. One very easy topic, her latest boyfriend. How did she meet him, what was good what was wrong. Optional: if you're comfortable enough, ask her how was the sex with him. She will start pondering how would be the sex with you.

I can't emphasize enough: touch her. It's all happening naturally during the course of the conversation. To get started, when you're making a point, lean in a bit and touch her arm on the high note of your point. Next, you can leave your hand a bit longer on her. Try to touch bare skin if you can. Pay attention to her non verbals. Once you have touched her a few times, does she touches you back? Does she lean into you? Is she adjusting her hair? This non verbal communication will tell you much more about if she's excited about you or not. Also, if she starts talking non stop like crazy it usually means she's very excited about you.

If she's excited about you, you should move it to the next stage, i.e. your home.

If she texts you unprompted, it means it's still going on. Important, especially after a first date. But be aware that it's going to be harder to get her on the second date or third, hence the necessity to try closing the earliest possible.

I hope this helps. Anyway I want to say: it's good that you're getting dates. Just persist. Get more dates and learn. It's a learning process which is worth it.

Cheers,
Seppuku

 

[JRob]

April 2nd

I had my 1st date with the 3rd lady that I met on Tinder. This was one amazing confusing epic. First of all, we have been texting a lot, but never met. Her relationship status gave me pause (when I hear separated it gives me pause). When we finally did agree to meet up for dinner and a movie, she texted me last minute that she had an upset stomach. So I asked if the movie was out of the plans, too (persisting). (Technically, we planned to meet up two days back to back) She agreed to go, but said she'd have to crash on the couch. I said sure, but I can do better than a couch. So we went to the movie, came back, and looked for another movie at my place. I tried to talk, eventually moved her bag so that I could get close, and proceeded to chat. Not long after, she asked “where are we sleeping”. I showed her to the bed and said that I'll take the futon unless you don't mind company. She said that's cool and I could stay. So we get there and she says do you usually sleep with the light on? (No, I don't SLEEP with the light on but I do other things with the lights on) Anyway, while frustrated I turned off the lights got in bed and eventually went to sleep.
April 3rd

That morning she said that I could have held her last night if I wanted. I said what about now. She said yeah. So I did that, a massage, and she asked if I could get harder. (I had no idea what she meant, and I can't read her face at all) So I kept going, progressing, undressing her, and eventually we got right to it. By my standards this lady was clearly attractive (even more so with the clothes off). I had probably desired somebody like this since I was nine. I still couldn't get a read on her. (If go deep, she pushes me back, but encourages me to go hard) Anyway, when she woke up I think she gave a positive smile. (I probably should have gone again) Anyway, we headed to lunch and had a good meal. I texted her and got a positive text back. It was an amazing time, but I still want to pursue the 2nd lady. Currently, four are texting me (three of which I've had a date). One of them I need to friend zone or something, but I don't really know how.

 

[JRob]

April 5th

I had the 2nd date with the 2nd lady that I met on Tinder. I went to the movies. It was kind of awkward walking her back to the car, but it was a spur of the moment date through text and we planned to meet the next day already.

April 6th

I had my 3rd date with the 2nd lady that I met on Tinder. I went to a restaurant and she suggested that we go somewhere to talk more. I took her to a bar/arcade. We chatted there a bit then some more outside. I kissed her on the cheek and she was like that's it? I said "Well, I wonder what your place looks like..I should really see that soon...like now!" She said "Yes, let's do that". So I followed her to her place. She went to clean up her bedroom, and came back down. Then said "Now how about a real kiss", and kissed her. She pushed me back. I said let me try again making out trying to elsewhere. She literally shoved me out of the apartment.

April 7th-April 9th

We texted about it, and I said that I understand the nervousness and was cool about getting kicked out.

April 10th

I had my 4th date that the 2nd lady that I met on Tinder. I had a trip and she agreed to see me before I disappear for a week. We went to a restaurant and then back to her place to hang out and watch a movie. We chatted a bit more, she laid on me, I started making out, and we went up to her bed early in during the movie. Finally, after the 4th date we moved our relationship towards a sexually one (or so I thought). She texted bunches afterwards letting me know that she kept thinking about me.

April 16th

No date. I met the 2nd lady that I met on Tinder at her place, but she wanted to talk. I brought a movie we actually watched the whole movie. And when I tried to make out I was rebuffed. Basically, she didn't know if I was into her and asked if I was trying to have her as a F*CK buddy. I said that I hadn't even considered that and that I'm just living in the present and trying to enjoy her company. I told her we don't have to do anything. Anyway, we made out and eventually sex twice in two places in the apartment. I'm going to meet her again, but don't want to run into an LTR. I also got progress with two other girls. One wants me to call the same day. I quit texting two other girls so I'm staying constant with 4 not 6.

 

[JRob]

April 14

During my week long trip, I had no car and only tried the night life out there once. I spent must of my time in restaurants and bars and only spent an hour in an actually club during last call. I got to dance with 5 ladies and then left. The beach was pretty at least.

 

[JRob]

April 26

After thinking that I was making progress with the girl that demanded that I call rather than text, it all went south. So I got her to open up to texting a bit. (recap: she said that she wouldn't speak to me anymore because I text instead of calling which is a lack of interest to her) I split the difference calling a bit and texting a bit. We finally setup a date, and she's a no show. Worse than that she fusses at me through text saying that I didn't call her that day (the plans were made the night before), she expected me to come pick her up (I don't know where she lives), and basically acts like the plans weren't agreed upon. I said it's okay, it was a busy day and I was tired anyway. Later, I texted her back saying that I can't give her the time and attention that she deserves, but think that she's still beautiful. She replied back with a crying emo. I admit it, I have a lot to learn.

April 27

Because of all the time I spent on the above mentioned girl, I lost contact with another girl I was texting.

April 28-May 12

Things really heated up with the girl that kicked me out the 1st time. We are really hitting it off, but I'm not sure about jumping into the boyfriend title and she has noticed. It comes up from time to time. I generally try to evade it. It might be worth being a bf, but I haven't met my goals. I'm trying to assess my own mindset.

 

[JRob]

August 29th

I totally disappeared into the boyfriend zone. That's worse than the Twilight Zone. I still haven't made the progress that I want to make yet. The new semester has started and that lack of progress is more apparent. I really need to get back on track.