killer performance anxiety: this just cannot happen again for me

[PatriotsRule]

hey gentlemen,

i have had crippling performance anxiety and/or ED for a few years now. with my latest chick we've gone at it like animals but when its time to fuck i just die and can't get it back. she brought me magnums the other night and had me try those and while i think that was a good solution i've never tried before i am just too in my head. with my latest girl im even having trouble coming and staying hard during blowjobs which never happened to me before- usually i have no problem enjoying anything or getting off until its time to put my dick in a condom or in her. whats even more annoying is sometimes i get raging boners just like, watching tv or something. so frustrating.

luckily i get her off hard two or three times a day when we're together and we're pretty great together outside the bedroom too so that will buy me some time. but how much time i dont know. plus this happens with other girls anyway so its not just with her.

so far i have read and tried a few things, including
-your brain on porn (i need to quit, this is feeling like the last straw when i just need to quit)
-tried the magnums, im kinda big but never tried them and regular condoms always did feel kinda tight and magnums seem to fit better
-going in raw dog- i just simply do not want to cut this corner though. im not trying to be a father right now and want to be able to be rock hard wearing a condom.
-never tried seeing a shrink or trying pills but i have thought about it. im 25 though id prefer to not need a pill. but if you suggest that what is the best/quickest way to get pills?
-reading/browsing through girlschase
-do you think smoking/drinking have long-term effects on this? i drink and smoke tobacco/pot here and there but the past few days i havent really indulged and obviously still struggled.
-diet changes? anything to suggest? just spitballing at this point.

i could probably use the most advice on just staying out of my own head during sex- she is so hot and she is feeling guilty about me not getting off or staying hard but its truly my own fault. how do i explain this to her to make her feel ok and know its not her fault about my pa/ed? and what are some proactive ways i can, perhaps, train myself in order to stay engaged in the moment and feeling hotter in bed? most girls i hook up with get so wet and horny and i know that i am not on their level in terms of being turned on. i want to be on that level of just raging hot with a hard dick. i know some of you more advanced lads enjoy learning mental training practices, etc.

im feeling really desperate to get over this- enough is enough. it started a few years ago with a certain girl and i cant keep losing girls to ed, especially this latest one is great and if i can get down this one last sticking point (lol no pun intended) that will basically be the culmination of my time learning on girlschase and being successful with women.

thanks gentlemen. obviously no dude wants to even think about this shit let alone write a long post about it on the internet. fucks sake.

 

[Franco]

PR,

luckily i get her off hard two or three times a day when we're together

I'm a little confused here... you're getting her off two to three times a day, but you're not able to stay hard? Are you talking about getting her off with your hands/mouth?

- Franco

 

[PatriotsRule]

PR,

luckily i get her off hard two or three times a day when we're together

I'm a little confused here... you're getting her off two to three times a day, but you're not able to stay hard? Are you talking about getting her off with your hands/mouth?

- Franco

yeah exactly, i can make her come pretty fast with my hands and mouth but shes still begging for my dick inside her and thats where things shut down.

when i said "i get her off hard" i meant she comes hard, not that i am hard and she gets off on my dick.

 

[PatriotsRule]

great post thanks radeng. lots of good stuff to think about.

i would say this really started with one particular girl a few years ago. we hooked up for a summer fling kinda thing and i couldnt get hard one night and she totally wore her frustration about it on her sleeve. then this happened again and again and again and she would just angrily roll over and go to sleep and not touch me again the rest of the night, i would leave in frustration, i didnt know what to do and just kept trying to hook up with no boner, rinse repeat. since then pretty much every girl i've hooked up with i think about that one girl. i waste so many condoms and im at the point where if i feel nice and hard ill stay put and not get a condom because i dont want to waste it. idk its fucked. but now if a girl tells me she wants my cock in her or wants me to fuck her now i instantly freak out and go soft. that is the opposite of how i should be reacting, that should be the hottest thing any guy wants to hear. its almost like its been so long since i had good vaginal sex i cant remember the incredible feeling of having my dick inside her.

also my convenience store down the street sells these weird looking pills called 'stiff nights' at the register, thinking about picking those up just to try them what do you think? i dont even know anything about them but they're called 'stiff nights' and look something like a performance enhancer. edit: just bought one (for $10 ugh lol) looking forward to trying it though

 

[ray_zorse]

Yeah dude I had(have) same problem, it's a fucker, radeng already said it pretty well but I have just a few more recommendations. Firstly this article about progressive relaxation. Secondly this article about training your subconscious mind. You have to repeat over and over that hundreds of women are thoroughly enjoying your hard dick, visualize it and believe it, before and during the act and after and any other time, if any anxious thought sneaks in, instantly replace it with an affirmation. BUT, pay close attention to the bit that says if you visualize something as happening in the future your subconscious will ensure it stays in the future.

Visualize and verbalize it as having already happened. One way that works for me, is to imagine the baby I have put in her womb. Imagine her getting bigger, her beautiful tits swelling with milk, her nipples getting darker. The sexy maternity demibra she is wearing. The leaking of breastmilk from her swollen tits. Her angelic and beatific expression as she sits on a park bench in dappled sunlight, pulls her sundress off her shoulder, folds down a panel of that sexy bra and breastfeeds your child. Her hormonal swings while pregnant / breastfeeding, her sweatiness down there, and her intense horniness. The fact you already impregnated her last week but it did not hurt to fill her up again with your cum just to make 100% sure. Visualize in great detail while repeating this kind of wording to yourself.

Ray

 

[PatriotsRule]

What about trying a condom/going in when you only feel 'semi hard'- like if my dick is big and hard but i think i can get harder. Sometimes ill skip the condom at this point and then thats the hardest i get. I guess anytime i get the slightest feeling of putting my dick in her, go for it?

 

[HellAtlantic]

I'm 37 and had performance anxiety ED for a while a few yrs ago (as recently as last yr). Was a bit overweight I would think - I'm 6'1" and weighed at times 240-248lbs. Married for 10-12 yrs. I dabbled in cialis and it certainly worked but you can only spend so much on pills (now when I need I buy thru craigslist and get tadaphil which is what cialis is in generic form). But since last yr I've changed my diet to a more testosterone friendly diet. I eat normal but at every part of the day I'm eating things that are pro-boner and pro-testosterone. I work out 4x a week and sometimes 5x. Slimmed down to a very musclar 224. My body at 37 is probably better than most guys younger than me. I'm very confident in my body and confidence is medicine for your erections. I don't really need pills anymore but hey if I was going away for a weekend I guess it's better to have than not have but I don't feel I need them anymore at all. One thing that has really helped me get my own natural rock hard erection very quickly was smelling my wife's pussy as I was doing quick foreplay with her. I had it in my head the pheromones in her pussy would awaken the animal in me and let science and evolution do its thing. It worked. So don't be afraid to get your nose in their and let her vaginal scent fill your brain and dick up with the necessary chemicals. I assume whoever you do this with will have a natural and normal smelling pussy. Also note that the more research I've done into this shows that erection difficulty is extremely more common than you might think. Just think - we had to invent pills for it which should show you how big of an issue it is (otherwise why spend the money researching a cure for something that isn't a widespread occurrence!). Misery loves company so the sooner you realize it happens to us all some point the less it becomes a "oh no it's happening again!!?! Why meeeeee?!!?" inner monologue and the more it becomes something you verbally say to your girl "oh well I guess it's not being cooperative right now, but I want you so bad let me play with that pussy" and you quickly move on to pleasing her. To be honest the less you'll think about it and move to getting her off you'll find you'll get your boner back. But for starters change your diet. Eat two things if you absolutely can - and eat a lot of it and I want you to report back telling me just how much these two additions to your diet helped you: lots of arugula salad and lots of watermelon (juice the rinds). You're welcome.

 

[HellAtlantic]

Also one thing you have to understand is if you move too quickly and are thinking too much it's gonna be a killer for you getting an erections. Thinking is bad for erections. You really have to slow down and let science and evolution do its thing. What do I mean by that? If you are a heterosexual male you have in your DNA the same code that we all have - let a girls biology and physiology handle it for you. Let her soft skin and her amazing scent - both her perfume and natural scent that has pheromones in it - do the work. Female bodies are the way they are for the purpose of you the male caveman to get aroused and want to mount her so she can get your alpha sperm. Don't fight it. Take it slow, enjoy what science and evolution has given both to you as a male and to her as a female. Don't fight it and don't think about it. If you need to close your eyes than do so. Smell her and feel her soft skin on you. Between that and diet tweaks you'll be up and running in no time. And if it doesn't work then like I said transition to getting her off and your dick will let you know when it's ready.

 

[PatriotsRule]

ciao gentlemen,

just checking back in on some results

its been three weeks now since we've been seeing each other- her birth control has been active for the last few days so we've been going at it without a condom. heres how thats gone

basically im thinking that my problem is that i just struggle to keep a hard erection- i can get big and hard and start fucking her but it is tough for me to stay hard if i start fucking her harder- basically if i start expelling more energy by fucking her harder and i get soft. thats what it feels like. ive got close to making her come but havent made her come fucking her yet. i think that will come with time though

also condoms are still a struggle- i can get hard and put on a condom but its a waste because by the time i get my dick inside her im going soft. despite her birth control obviously im still paranoid and would prefer to always use a condom.

seems i am just not very sensitive with my cock- i havent watched porn since before i posted this thread and i have only jerked off once or twice but i still need to be jerked sort of hard to come, or need to be really turned on or stimulated to get hard. any ways i can increase the sensitivity of my dick to respond better to lighter touch?

seems like i am finding right ways to perform but i need a lot more practice finding these ways to make it happen. and i definitely want to start using a condom asap

honestly i think i just spent too much time jerking off hard and watching porn. to the point that i have decreased a lot of the sensitivity in my dick- is this just a matter of time or can i do anything to speed this process? is continuing to have sex a hinderance or is a period of abstinence something that is good for this situation?

thanks for following along gentlemen, this post was just sort of a ramble off of a few reflective thoughts. things are 'working' a little better but still not where i want to be.

 

[ray_zorse]

TBH I think the problem is mainly mental, you've overcome in large part your issue by replacing negative reference experiwnces with positive ones, but there are still a few situations that are associated in your mind with going soft -- such as hard pounding, and putting a condom on. As I mentioned, this can be modified with subconscious programming (such as affirmations and visualizations), but ut really takes time and commitment to do so. The porn issue is the same thing, your brain has been programmed to think "meh" if it's not getting the dopamine hits it's expecting from high speed browsing of freaky porn and hotter and hotter girls and niche fetish shit. There's nothing wrong with the sensitivity of your dick. Again, it takes time and commitment to reprogram -- the more committed you are, the faster it will be, conversely if you just go through the motions and don't really believe you can change anything, time will still do its work, but very slowly. About the pounding though, I think another aspect of the problem is your trying too hard to please her, women love a good pounding, but you won't stay hard if you're not focusing on your own pleasure. I find a useful mental exercise is to think of her as an inanimate fucktoy that you're masturbating with, so you naturally adjust your speed and thrust angle and so on, and insert pauses or whatever, in the way that gets you off most speedily. Actually there's more to it, I got this from a book by a Frenchwoman who was into gangbangs and stuff in the 60s but unfortunately cannot remember the title, maybe "Madame S" or something like that. Obviously, don't take this approach if you suffer from premature ejaculation... as a general rule though, if you focus on your own pleasure, she will get hornier from watching you get into it, and most likely what works for you, will work better for her than "what you think SHOULD work for her", after all if it feels good to you and she's feeling the mirror image it should be fine right?
Ray

 

[PatriotsRule]

Feeling stressed due to performance anxiety the last couple days. Its like a weight in my head that is tough to get rid of without being distant from my girlfriend. You guys ever take meds or do therapy for this? Thinking it might be helpful to talk to someone in person. Makes it hard to relax sometimes

 

[ray_zorse]

Did you try any of the advice in this thread?

I bet you didn't even try. If you did, what did you try?

If you did try one of the suggested strategies, you were probably just going through the motions, while mentally rehearsing failure in the back of your mind at the same time. Why do I say this? Because the advice in this thread works -- or has worked for at least 2 guys who were determined that the problem must be mental and could be overcome by following a correct course of action, whatever that may be.

Anyway, even if you do nothing else at all, just read this article about how your subconscious mind operates and how to work with it.

FYI I've struggled a bit lately, see my other recent post in this thread, as the novelty of sex with my current gf started to decrease, and I experienced the related issues mentioned in my post, I started to get a little performance anxiety creeping back in, also started focusing too much on her pleasure, but I held firm, continued with my affirmations and other techniques, persisted in trying to be in the moment and to find positions that work for me (and mental imagery) and have eventually been able to let go and enjoy a good sex session again, I think I have more work to do in this area but I know that the issues are all mental and can be tackled by creating the right mental environment in which sex can flourish. If you need any specific help I am happy to oblige, but you have to actually do something and describe what you did, whether it worked and what problems occurred.

Ray

 

[HellAtlantic]

One thing I've added recently is 100% pomegranate juice. I drink it daily. Google "pomegranate sex". You're welcome.

So it's arugula salad, juicing watermelon rinds (or eat the watermelon as close to the white rinds as possible) and pomegranate juice. Also a multivitamin that has zinc in it. Change your diet and like Ray said focus on your pleasure. I only said to move to pleasuring her in the sense of if you can't get hard or can't finish then it's just a matter of getting her off with your mouth and fingers. If you put it in your head that no matter what - erection or not this bitch is gonna come - that takes away Performance Anxiety's biggest weapon (the thought in the back of your head that she isn't gonna be pleasured if you don't get/keep and erection) . But if you're hard and pounding then just pound for your pleasure. The worst thing to happen if your fucking is for both ppl to not come. and why not just get her off by using your mouth first. Get her first orgasm out of the way by using your mouth (during foreplay). That way when it comes time for fucking you'll know in the back of your head "she already came once so let me pound her to make myself feel good that way I don't have to be concerned with making her come this one time". That's why it's called Performance anxiety. You doubt your ability to perform to get her off. Get her off during foreplay and if she comes during sex that's a bonus. Do it enough times and before you know it the anxiety disappears and you'll be pounding her to make her feel good.

Change of diet and mentality that "one way or another I'm gonna make her come" are your best tools.