La Vita nuova

[Leavenoblackplume]

Maybe I'm afraid of commiting.
Since months of not going out nor finding the desire for anything to happen I started to feel, at last, that some energy was coming back. Before this loop of inactivity I had decided to make things happen, got some numbers and warm receptions, a girl reached to me on her house phone trying to keep our communication going on, I was at the edge of falling in love a couple of times, one with an intelligent and beutiful girl that I met in a bar and the other was a maybe too young girl taht lives near my house. I just cut all texts, and calls. Mybe I'm just too lazy and have fatalistic tendencies that keep me from achieving stuff.

But I want to at least try, I always love a good challenge.
The idea of developing skills fascinates me, two or three years ago I was exposed to old pickup and found it interesting, decided then that I could work on this skill, how could this not be something that it's totally worth it? But sometimes I'm not even able to leave the bed, things lose interest for me, I start to turn nihilistic and life stops being real.

It was at the beginning of the year, I wore a heavy jacket not noticing the cold air fading into spring already. My friend's band finished playing and I stood at the bar and said hi to a gir whose face I haven't even looked at. She was absolutely beautiful though, this really surprises me as I didn't paid attention to her physique all that much; she was brilliant, was gracious and had good taste. I think she had a similar personality to mine.

"Why are you so alone?" I asked
"I am like that. Lonely."

I asked about her thoughts and she brought atoms and something about quantum physics. We moved to music and I got caught in the inertia and started rambling about writers and art and ideas, maybe some phylosophy.
A girl that can keep pace with my childish passion for these things just melts my heart, she was as excited as me while we spoke, she was also not very expressive, like me.
The bar was closing, and we were at the verge of going home toghether, but I insisted on passing the night at her place and couldn't convince her. Some factors hindered me from bringing her with me. As I live with my mother and my room is a little messy, and I do not drive so we would be calling a cab. I was so into her that felt like she was going to be disappointed and just took her number and said goodbye.

After texting her through the week without getting any response I finally found in a call that it was the wrong number.

Since then i became more and more concealed to my cave and eventually stopped going out, like recovering energy. Interaction with people tires me and I retreat, sometimes for long periods of time.

I want this to stop happening. I want girls like that one in my life.

L.

 

[Leavenoblackplume]

Last night.

I spended the whole evening talking to a couple of girls from my social circle, we don't really see each other but they are into me.

One of them arrived with a friend of hers, I think he has been trying to get somwhere with her since long time with no succes. She gave me attention and the guy just sat there waiting for his turn. I find this really curious, I'm not sure if he realized what was happening on a conscious level, he brought her, he had been trying to get togheter with her since the last time I saw him. She and I made out last time we saw, think we could´ve had sex in a warehouse had I pushed it a little more. And then there is this guy smiling to her and trying to convince her while i'm talking to the other girl. Maybe she got a little jealous whe this old girl friend came and gave me attention, as later that night her friend was resting his arm on her chair, she just shrugged and kept talking to me.
I will see her soon and bring her home with me.

This other girl knows me fromm school, we just kissed twice before I got a girlfriend. Now her body is so much better, she was really skinny in school, don't know where those killer curves came from.
She still likes me, and I still like her. She said that wanted to come to my place, and I expect her to do, but I forgot to take her number so this one will depend on her.

There was an absolutely beautiful girl watching my friend's band performance, since I got pretty bad vision I wasn't sure if she was looking at me before, but I think she wanted me to approach her. Sometimes I'm just no able to make me speak to someone, I don't really care abaout other people except maybe my friends make me self-counciouss. But my body does not move sometimes, I'm not sure if this qualifies as approach anxiety since I'm not scared nor axious, just apathetic, things don't feel congruent and I kinda try to solve things in my head and just wait until it is too late and too weird to say something.
I feels like being two entities, one physical and one phycological, with one in command and the controls not working from time to time.

This mechanical process is the next I'm going to fix, I've been meditating and trying to make it a habit, It'll surely help.

L.

 

[Leavenoblackplume]

Fucked up with one of the girls because of a silly/maybe creepy comment, haha.

The other one went a little better until eventually we lost contact.

Been going out several days each week but it's still hard to meet enough girls in this small third world city. There are not many places to go and those places are not exactly swarming with women; daygame seems to be kind of better, but many girls get creeped out or just something fails when I try to arrange a meet. I've been following,the site's advice about text, of course, but I get less and less responses.

Maybe I just need to better my lifestyle.

 

[Leavenoblackplume]

It's been slow but at least I'm not frozen in time anymore. Things do seem to be better. I need to keep eating well and to exercise consistently to get the energy that I still lack.

Called a girl a couple of times after gettin her number, she seems responsive but keeps telling me to call her later. Today is my free day from work and I wanted to spend it with her, now I'll just text her and get in touch next week. I'm heading out to buy glasses and hopefully find some beautiful lady to invite her home to have a drink.