Leaving my Girlfriend

[josephjo]

Could use some advice on this situation.

Here are the facts:
I met this girl doing daygame
After 2 months of her chasing me, I agreed to a closed relationship
After a week of being in a relationship with her, I threw a party at my place
Right in front of me she is flirting with another guy. She casually would brush his leg with hers and continue in conversation with him.
After a few minutes of this, I confronted on it, in a very suave manner. She promptly gets up after I tell her and she walks and sits behind me. I continue conversation with my friend and ignore the GF and she gets up again and continues her conversation with this man. This time she watches her body language in order to avoid body contact.
We chat about this issue later on and she apologized that she did it, says she didn't notice (maybe due to her drinking) but when I asked why she continue her conversation with him, she said he was the only one in the room she didn't feel uncomfortable with and a bit out of spite for me ignoring her.
After hearing this, I told her it'd probably be best if we end this now because I didn't feel comfortable with this amount of disrespect and I don't think that these are good traits that I would want in a GF. She begged for another chance and I gave her two weeks.
She has a few issues like abuse in her past, daddy issues, and along with that she has a high sexual drive. She claims that she is faithful and she would never give me unnecessary headaches but I don't feel the same way.
I do honestly like her, we get along great. Its been a while since I've been in a relationship and she makes me feel comfortable being with her but with what happened the other night, this really confirms to me that she may be the unfaithful type or be drama filled.

What do you guys think? Think this was a mishap? Am I handling this appropriately? What would you do?

 

[Franco]

josephjo,

Not to burst your bubble or anything here, but it sounds like you overreacted big time. I've been thinking about writing a post on this for awhile now since the only girls I date do party (unlike Chase's girlfriends and the majority of other people's girlfriends on here), but there's a very specific way you should handle yourself when dealing with girlfriends in bar/club/party environments.

Anyway, that post will be for another time; for now, all I can say is that you should never be confronting your girl about anything she does with a guy at a social event unless you specifically catch her making out or having sex with another guy. If you confront her about anything else, you are going to come across as controlling and "the jealous" type, and this is going to have the exact opposite effect of what you intend -- it's going to cause her to want to cheat on you.

Basically, at every social event you take your girl to, she should be the one worried about what you might be doing, not the other way around. If you're walking around, chatting up people (girls and guys), having a great time, then she's going to be more worried about whether or not you are flirting with another girl. She won't care about what guys are trying to hit on her if her own man is getting heavy attention from another girl or girls. Pre-selection plays a heavy role in the way you handle yourself at social events even after you've obtained a girlfriend. It keeps her attraction for you high and it maintains her focus on keeping you.

The problem that most guys have is that they think that the way to stop a girl from cheating is to punish her when you catch her in the act of "possibly" doing so. INSTEAD, the way to stop a girl from cheating is to constantly keep her worrying about losing YOU because everyone else likes you so much; that and the fact that it seems like you're having so much fun that you don't really care where she is or what she's doing (because girls instinctively know by this that it means you probably have other options in women, so losing her isn't your biggest concern).

I wouldn't confront her about something so insignificant again. She's probably already gone to her close friends and complained about what you did -- and her close friends are going to start forming a negative opinion about you, which will also work against you. Another problem is that, the MORE you do this, the MORE you'll push her away. So while she probably doesn't have any intention of cheating on you right now, she might in the future if you continue to watch over her shoulder like a hawk.

If you really do care about her, then I wouldn't leave her. This seems like a situation where an apology would be applicable, but don't make it a huge deal either. Just let her know you overreacted a bit and that it won't happen again. And then make sure it doesn't happen again.

Hope this helps.

- Franco

 

[josephjo]

Hey Franco,

Thanks for the confirmation man. I am a pretty jealous, needy, insecure guy (at least I was) and I knew I would over react in these kind of situations.

Lately the GF has asked me to stop doing pickup (I am very transparent and truthful about my life) and I think that has affected my confidence and the control I exert on situations.

Right now I am not even approaching and I just don't think its a good idea, it makes me lose an important aspect of my lifestyle. However I can see the point of view that if I want something long-term with this girl, I would need to make some sacrifices.

My question is: Should I stop pickup because my GF hates it or should I make her compromise?

 

[Richard]

Joesph,

Stopping pick up altogether while staying committed is open for a big debate...

I know that with my GF, and Tool with his GF... we both stopped doing pick up to focus on the exclusive girlfriend...

But, that's not to say that girls didn't hit on me in front of her, or that I wasn't doing transparent pick up while she was in eyesight. Often times I'd catch myself in the middle of a conversation with someone before even thinking about what I was doing. So, I was exclusive to my gf but would still talk to other women strictly to talk to them and keep my conversation skills sharp, and that alone provided a lot of pre-selection and availability-status in my favor

So, the choice to continue with pick up is yours, but I personally say: Go with some transparent pick up.

 

[Franco]

Zphix pretty much nailed it on the head. You're in a committed relationship, so "picking up" other girls isn't something you should be doing while you're with your girlfriend.

With that being said, you can talk to other girls just for the sake of talking. If those girls happen to like you and try to flirt with you, then that's fine. That's just more pre-selection for you. You shouldn't be getting physical with them in any way, but you'll find that just talking to girls who have smiles on their faces is plenty of pre-selection for your girlfriend to know that you're a valuable man. She should be the one checking in on you.

P.S. I probably wouldn't have been so forward with your girlfriend as to tell her that you "practice pick-up," but since you have, it would be wise to tell her that you won't be doing it anymore since you're in a committed relationship (and of course what you really mean by that is that you won't be doing it while you're exclusive; should you two part ways in the future, then you're a single man and have every right to get back out there in the field should you want to).

- Franco

 

[Thedoctor]

Lately the GF has asked me to stop doing pickup (I am very transparent and truthful about my life) and I think that has affected my confidence and the control I exert on situations.

josephjo,

This is why I hate the term "pickup," which just sounds like a cheesy hobby. Whereas a term like "seducer" makes it sound more like a character trait or a lifestyle. And really, that's what this all is: a lifestyle. A hobby can be dropped at any time, a lifestyle cannot.

I'm very transparent in what I do too. If ever it comes up that that a girl starts thinking like I'm a PUA (which I'm really not, in truth). I tell her I'm a social guy and legitimately enjoy meeting new people (which is the truth). So, as Franco and Zphix both said, you don't have to stop being social.

So for future reference, I'd recommend just saying you enjoy being social and meeting people rather than saying you practice "pickup." That way, you're still being honest, but there's nothing for you to give up. And, your new girlfriend isn't gonna feel bad wondering if you just used some lame routine on her to get her into bed.

-Doc

 

[Anonymous]

I wanted to make a new thread about it but instead I will ask here. What is your opinion guys regarding girls night outs ? What would you do if your GF was going out every friday with her friend to pubs , clubs etc. ? Would you go with them ? Would you make her reduce the frequency or simply stop it ? Or would you not worry about it ? The thing is I trust my GF to a certain degree however her friend is betraying her BF every now and then (during those night outs) which makes me a bit angry that my GF is going out with her. Whereas her friend is a bit addicted to those friday nights my gf is telling me she doesn't want to go out so often but she isn't very assertive hence her friend usually makes her go out.

 

[Franco]

Ismail,

What is your opinion guys regarding girls night outs ? What would you do if your GF was going out every friday with her friend to pubs , clubs etc. ?

If that's her style (or what she wants to do at the moment), then that's pretty much what you have to let her do. Trying to hold her back from doing it only reflects negatively on you.

Would you go with them ?

If she invites you and you want to go, sure! But I wouldn't force my way into inviting myself. You should always be a guy who has his own agenda and his own plans, but if she invites you and you decide that going out that night is something you'd like to do, then feel free to accept the invite. Usually if your girl invites you, it's because she wants you to come with her.

Would you make her reduce the frequency or simply stop it ? Or would you not worry about it ?

Nope. It's the same answer as the first question. You need to let her do what she wants to do. If you like to go out, then set up a "guys night" out on a Friday and let her know that you'll be doing that while she goes out with her girls. You might be surprised by a text from her while she's out with her friends wondering how your night is going.

The thing is I trust my GF to a certain degree however her friend is betraying her BF every now and then (during those night outs) which makes me a bit angry that my GF is going out with her.

Things like this certainly don't help your situation necessarily, but as long as your woman views you as a strong, independent man, then she will just assume that her girlfriend's boyfriend is just some weaker guy and that her girlfriend should be letting him go rather than hanging onto him. It's all about how she views you, so you need to be the calm, strong, independent guy who doesn't mind doing his own thing if his girl has other plans. Your girlfriend should be thinking, "if she was dating MY sexy man, she definitely wouldn't be doing all of this."

If going out isn't something you enjoy doing, then you might need to re-asses what types of girls you enjoy dating. The only reason I enjoy dating girls who love to go out all the time is that I love to go out as well, so I'm on the same playing field as them. If you're more of a homebody, then you'll need to consider whether or not homebody girls are the types you want to be dating.

- Franco