Letting go finally

[steff]

Something interesting happened this week.

My ex-gf texted me that she would like to meet me just to talk a bit (we broke up at the end of May, but still pursued each other for about 2 months, after that she told me that she is seeing another guy).
Since I've decided to let her go/cut her out I was beginning to feel better, but still had some thoughts about her, wondering what is she doing sometimes.

I didn't knew what to do with the message, I told her that okay we can meet, at least I can finally put an end to all this.

We met yesterday evening. I was very nervous, she could see it on me.
We had some small talk, and at one point she asked a question:

Her: Was it hard for you to come and meet me?
Me: No, why do you ask?
Her: Well I just felt like you don't want to see me anymore. I could still be friends with you, but I feel like you are pushing me away.
Me: It's nothing personal. I just have a lot of work.
(... some more small talk about me working, her partying, until we reached another point)
Her: And what about girls?
Me: I'm not starving.
Her: What does that mean?
Me: I meet some girls but there is nothing special. I have no girlfriend. How about you?
Her: Well *a long pause* ... It's not official, but we see each other a lot with "guy's name", and it looks like we are going to stay together.
Me: Oh! That's very good!
Her: Yeah... you know I still kind of go to parties, but not as much as I used to when I was together with you. But now I am starting to feel that I miss these boring Saturday nights when I just lay in bed and cuddle with someone and watch a movie.

That line made me realize something. I was trying so hard to pull her out of all this partying bullshit, but I just kept failing. And now another guy came, and she actually wants that. Or maybe not, but anyway, I could feel that she is happy right now with the life she lives.

And to be completely honest, for the first time in my life I was happy too after a comment like that.

I finally realized that all my efforts with her were just because of my own selfishness, because I wanted to transform her into something that is suitable for me.
And I think that is the main reason why I kept failing with women through all these years. Because of my own selfishness, and not caring for what others want. And sometimes this also happened with some friends, and other people. I used people too much.

After that one sentence, I started to feel more relaxed then ever. I could finally let her go. At the same time I felt (and still feel) bitter.
I've been trying so hard to kill my emotions, but at this point I guess that this is what makes us human.

I think we can all have our emotional ups and downs sometimes as long as we don't let them consume us.
But right now I feel like I don't want to use people anyomre. I feel like I have to surrender to the thought that I even though I really want to improve myself, I am who I am right now, and that will not change in just a week or two. It will be a very long and hard path, but now I can truly feel that this is the only option.

After that we talked a bit more about some other stuff, and then we said goodbye to each other like this:

Me: I'm glad that we met.
Her: Me too. And I do regret that you don't want to be my friend anymore, but I can understand you.
Me: Believe me, it's nothing personal, it's not because of you, I just think it wouldn't work out anymore.
Her: *sigh* Okay...
*a short silence*
Me: Well, have a nice end of summer then, and wish you all the best!
Her: Same to you! And lots of hot girls for you!
Me: *laugh* Thanks! *and hugged her a bit* Bye!
Her: Bye!

At the end of the day I felt happy with my decision of meeting her.
I could finally face my fear of letting someone go.

And it is way much better to see that she is finally happy with someone and I can live my own life as well. I still feel a bit bitter, but it will pass.
I can also finally start to concentrate 100% on becoming better with women, and becoming a better man in general.

Better days will come.

Steff

 

[Gonzaleth]

Steff,

I am glad you were finally able to let go. You were truly magnanimous to wish her all the best.

A similar thing happened to me as well. My gf broke up with me in July and is now happily with another man. The negative feeling that stirred up within me makes it extremely hard for me to let her go - the sense of betrayal, the inability of her to come clean with me, the way she treated me towards the end etc. But to be fair, I knew I was responsible for the break-up because I was being really weak (I folded my business some time in June and it affected me badly; woman smells weakness in man like sharks to blood lol) and failed literally every shit tests she threw at me: I was the very type of man Chase and guys train us NOT to be.

Eventually she left, and once again, I did everything GC taught us NOT to do to get a girl back and of course, it blew up in my face.

I asked myself: do i really want her back? Truth is, I don't. She mocked and ridiculed me and my dreams so much towards the end of our relationship that I cannot foresee any ways of reconciling things with her ever again. Then why am I trying to get her back? It is because of all the dark, sinister thoughts in my head of how I want to get back at her, to spite her, to prove to her that she is wrong, and most of all, I am trying to be a dog in the manger: I do not want another man to have her. I know these are very bad thoughts and I am trying very hard to rein them in, but the idea of gratification is sucking me in.

I tried to channel my attention somewhere else, but I have attention span of literally only minutes.... I work in the day, and at night I continue trying to build my business back up using whatever limited attention span I may have (she may have pissed all over it, but I still believe in it). Some times I asked myself whether I should go and try to pick girls up or should I put girls on hold until I build myself back up again. I feel my current level of confidence is just too low to be successful, but at the same time I am worried by the time I built myself back up finally I will be a 60 yr old man!!!

So in a way, Steff, I envy you that you are not consumed by these dark thoughts, that you were able to hug her and wish her all the best sincerely. Between you and me, I am sure you will be the one who will come out of this a better, more positive and confident man.

To better days!

 

[steff]

I tried to channel my attention somewhere else, but I have attention span of literally only minutes.... I work in the day, and at night I continue trying to build my business back up using whatever limited attention span I may have (she may have pissed all over it, but I still believe in it).

Gonzaleth,

I can relate, had the same problem, I also struggled to keep my business working and in the same time to keep her pleased.
I remember I left the office sometimes for hours just to catch up with her, and it did affect my business, and since I have several business partners, I cannot let that happen.
Just put some hard work back into it, and save some time for building yourself up. For instance, work your ass off during the weekdays, but leave the weekend just for yourself.

Some times I asked myself whether I should go and try to pick girls up or should I put girls on hold until I build myself back up again. I feel my current level of confidence is just too low to be successful, but at the same time I am worried by the time I built myself back up finally I will be a 60 yr old man!!!

Go and pick up girls if you ask me. Even the rejections help you regenerate faster than you would believe. I am doing the newbie assignment right now, but I am still struggling to say 6 goddamn "Hi"-s to 6 beautiful girls in one day. I keep track of it here. But it keeps me focused on something and it reveals lots of weak spots, and keeps my mind focused on figuring out how can I fix these little flaws, rather then keeping my mind on someone who has 0 interest in me as a male.

The hard part is that I built up a world for myself, where everybody likes me, and I never get embarassed because I always please everybody. Maybe it's something similar with you too. Letting go of that is much harder than letting go of anything else, I know. And I also keep losing lots of people who liked me (wouldn't say friends) as I keep doing this. Right now I feel like I have no more than 10 people with who I hang out, and 6 of them are people who I see each day at work, and the thought of that is very SCARY. But that also awakens the thought that social skills need to be improved constantly. You cannot rely on close friends and things like that. People come and people go. You will never be able to tell someone not to leave your town for a better job, or not to spend time with his girlfriend, because you need him/her.

So I think it's the best to go out in the real world.

It is because of all the dark, sinister thoughts in my head of how I want to get back at her, to spite her, to prove to her that she is wrong, and most of all, I am trying to be a dog in the manger: I do not want another man to have her. I know these are very bad thoughts and I am trying very hard to rein them in, but the idea of gratification is sucking me in.

I know how you feel, been there not only with this girl, but with lots of other girls too.
There was this article with letting a girl go, it was actually written by Chase himself (he's everywhere, lol), you should definitely check it out, it was the biggest help for me:

http://markmanson.net/why-you-cant-let-her-go

There was also a video, with another dating coach and one interesting lesson he was teaching was: "Nothing happens TO you, everything happens FOR you."
And as you think about it, it's just a slight change of perspective what you need. If you break your leg it's not because the world is cruel, it's because you weren't paying attention to your moves. But you learned something and it's very likely that it shall not happen again.

This website is pure gold, if you need help, it helped me alot. I just can't wait to get a subscription, but I will only do that after I made 50 approaches.

And finally, just look at the amount of effort and honest, sincere words Chase, Ricardus, and the rest of the crew had put into this site.
If these guys are putting so much effort into saving people's minds I think the least we can do is to listen to them and do the stuff they teach us.

So even if it takes 3 years to say 6 "Hi"-s, I do not deserve to live on this planet if I can't accomplish this basic challenge.
But if you'd like, we can make a competition, like "Who finishes first?" - it may speed up the whole progress a bit. I did that when I gave up cigarettes, we made a deal with a friend that the first to light one will pay 500 euros to the other one, and that's a huge amount of money in my country. 8 months have passed and we're still clean. Or you can do something similar with a friend of yours to force yourself to go out and meet girls.
I also recommend you to do a lot of physical exercise whenever you have time for that. Running/jogging helps alot with stress relief and push ups make you feel strong. I do it at home because I don't have time to go to the gym, but it works. After muscle training I usually do 20 mins of Yoga, breathing exercises help you relax, and you will get a very good sleep after that. Being physically healthy keeps your mind healthy too.
You can also read lots of other journals and field reports from other guys on this forum, you will notice, that most of the people who are here and keep taking girls to bed, or have amazing girlfiends, didn't just woke up like this one day. They all do hard work, and it's very motivating.

So heads up brother, and see you on the boards!

 

[Gonzaleth]

Steff,

Thanks for your kind words.

The article written by Chase was awesome! I can almost envision myself as the friend mentioned in his article, and worse yet, made me realize how I am being a drag and a deadweight to the friends around me.

Yes, Chase and crew really did a fantastic job with this site, and reading their articles really put things into perspective for me and some how made this period more manageable for me. Those lingering thoughts do come back often, but I will just read the board and articles to rationalize why I am feeling this way.

I am going to take your advice and I am going to start with the newbie assignment today! Let's see who finishes first!

Good luck! You're making some real progress from what I can tell in your field report! I need to get my ass in gear to catch up!

 

[trashKENNUT]

Steff,

Her last attempt to friend-zoned you, IT did not happened. Glad you both make peace with yourselves.

Zac