Losing the nice-guy tries to be bad-boy label

[Shah]

Hey,

I'm currently struggling with something at the moment. Ever since I set out to become better at picking up women I tried to shake off my nice guy label. The thing is, not being a nice guy is actually very easy, because most of the time you can act out being a bad boy, untill one day when you've woken up and noticed your personality have changed. To shake off my nice guy label I started doing things like going to punk rock shows, hang out with anarchists, graffiti, I stopped showing respect for rank and status and I tried to project a character of not giving a f***. In other words, I became a real douchebag. A nice-guy who was acting like a bad boy.

The problem is that girls easily pick up on this, and some have even commented it. They usually say that I'm stupid or insecure about myself for changing my personality, which again leads to instant auto-rejection and coldness from girls. However, I know that I'm not insecure, because if I was, I'd would just stick with the nice guy label. There's nothing wrong about being nice, it's just being a "nice guy" that's shit. Nice is good, nice guy is bad. My problem's just that I stopped being nice to people and became I real douchebag instead of becoming a bad boy. So now I'm stuck with the "nice guy tries to be bad-boy" label. I know being a warm and somewhat humble person is the cure for shaking off the label, however somewhere along the way I got lost and ended up in douchebag territory.

Girls in my social circle (whom I became friend-zoned by before I started reading Girls Chase) are becoming cold and distant towards me, and are directing their attention elsewhere. Girls I'm sleeping with and seeing also take notice to the personality change and are becoming cold and aloof to this, due to the fact that this personality change apparently projects insecurity.

How can I shake off my "nice-guy tries to be bad-boy" label? Or, how can I convert that label into powerful/sexy/warm instead?

 

[Franco]

Hey Shah,

I think the issue here is that you are going for the wrong qualities that a "bad boy" has to offer that are actually attractive to women. Let's review what you said here:

To shake off my nice guy label I started doing things like going to punk rock shows, hang out with anarchists, graffiti, I stopped showing respect for rank and status and I tried to project a character of not giving a f***. In other words, I became a real douchebag. A nice-guy who was acting like a bad boy.

What makes a "bad boy" attractive to women is not the fact that he is actually an asshole (so to speak). This is actually the aspect that drives women away, and the reason why you hear women talk about how guys are all "douchebags."

What actually draws women to bad boys is their aggressiveness with moving things forward quickly. A lot of guys assume that women are just attracted to everything that encompasses a bad boy, but that is actually not the case. If you think about the items you've listed above (punk rock shows, anarchists, graffiti, etc), does it actually seem like any of those things are things that actually "attract" women? Probably not, right?

What does attract women is when guys aggressively pursue them -- it makes them feel extremely desired and turned on. Bad boys happen to be excellent at this simply because they don't care about the girl's actual feelings or how they will treat her afterward -- they just want sex, and they want it now.

How can I shake off my "nice-guy tries to be bad-boy" label? Or, how can I convert that label into powerful/sexy/warm instead?

A genuine "man" recognizes that women desire men who are fearless, confident, and willing to move things forward aggressively. However, he also recognizes that women are emotional creatures who yearn to feel special and desired. A genuine man also realizes that women respect men who actually care about the feelings of other people and are willing to help and provide in their time of need.

There is a big difference between being a "bad boy" and being a "nice guy," but there is a key difference between being a "bad boy" and being "aggressive" at moving things forward with women. Women are actually attracted to the latter, and it's "bad boy" aspect that actually drives them away in the long term.

Doing the things you listed above can actually help build a higher level of testosterone so that you will have more confidence and become more aggressive, but then you need to channel that confidence and aggressiveness into approaching and moving things forward with women rather than spray-painting freeway underpasses and crowd-surfing at punk rock concerts!

I hope this provides some clarification.

- Franco

 

[Tyme2k]

This is something you will encounter quite a bit while learning game. You will need to calibrate a lot of things to come to terms with who YOU really are. YOU are not a label, others may label you, but this does not mean you are that label, Follow?

So when you're thinking, "I'm a bad boy now," you are not, you are YOU. Your true personality is what you need to find, be it and be real. Don't act being a bad boy, if you feel you need to do something as a bad boy, do it. If you feel you need to be nice and genuine do it! Refrain from labeling yourself.

Now you've tried both sides of the spectrum and you know where you want to be. You need to calibrate this and find your middle ground, this is where congruence happens and how you become genuine. Becoming genuine is extremely attractive to women, they can spot it a mile away.

I think it's also salvageable with your girls, pull them aside and tell them with genuine feeling and expression,"hey I know I've been acting different lately, I'm just going through a lot right now. I really feel we have xxxx and I'd hate to lose that." Make this statement real and come from your newfound middle ground.

 

[jonnywishbone]

I think the essence of being a "nice guy" is also about being a bit of a people pleaser. Someboby who does things for other's approval, not because he wants to do them for himself, but because he's afraid of what other people might think. Shaking off being this kind of person (for me) is about saying what I think, not being affraid to offend somebody if I think what they are doing is lame or out of line, going after what I want in life etc, but doing it with a degree of humility and social intelligence.

I think Franco is right - the kind of people you are trying to emulate do have a lot of these characteristics, but they also have a lot of other negative characteristics. They might get laid a lot, but at the expense of taking responsibility for who they are in society and acting with integrity and awareness.

Check out the book "No More Mr Nice Guy" by Robert Glover - that's a pretty good start