LTR not so interested in sex any more

[memoboy]

Hey!

So, some background. Have been together with this girl for around 5,5 years now. I am 39, she is 32. For a time we even lived together, but we always kept our separate places on the side, and now for the most part we live apart again. For the record, I have been the one, who wanted to keep a personal space. We still have keys to each other apartments and have stuff around. We both seem to be happy with living arrangements though at the moment.

BUT for some time already, I’ve noticed she is less interested in sex. She has been turning me down a lot. Now, I guess I could understand, when we were together a lot, it was sometimes too casual. But now when we live apart again, we meet maybe once a week or even once every two weeks, and she is still not into it, it has started to bother me.

I have a high sex drive and I would and could have sex almost every day consistently and have had many periods when I have. in LTR or not.

Even pure physical needs aside, I have been feeling less close to her, as we’re not intimate often anymore.

It cannot be her work or stress as she does not have a stressful period in her life. It cannot be her body, as she is fit and is studying to be a yoga teacher, so she is probably in better shape than before.

I am also fit and have been lifting a lot. I have a personal trainer and I am probably in one of the best shapes for a while. I have been in shape all the time. I am also a handsome young-looking dude and pretty successful. I have had some mental and financial issues lately, but I have been keeping her out of it mostly. And I have dealt with them and been solving them. I guess a lot of people had some problems with these fucked up lockdowns.

Of course, I have made some mistakes in this LTR and not always keeping my frame all the time or having stupid arguments here and there. I think most people who have had relationships that long, understand that when some personal issues occur, it’s not always a walk in the park to always keep the frame. But for the most part, I have been consistent and in the frame.

She has always been on the submissive side, very feminine, and has not really taken the lead in sex. But I know she is capable of being very passionate in bed too. Now she has started to turn down sex altogether. Or being shy about it. And when she gets into it, I feel she is often tense, not fully present, or not overly passionate, turned on, or excited.

This ofc has put me off too and don’t even feel too excited to initiate anymore.

Another thing that has started to bug me, is that she rarely gives head. And my other partners have always been into it.

And I have been going down on her a lot (I enjoy it) and been putting effort into it, to be good at it.

I feel she is kind of closed sexually.

She even turned me down the other night, when I gave her a nice full-body naked massage.

Could of course also be that she just isn’t so attracted anymore. I mean, the relationship has been over 5 years already and women’s sexual attraction drops sooner and can take a deep nosedive.

But then again she does want to cuddle a lot and kiss and talk and hang out. And is saying "I love you" a lot and has been wanting to take care of me. And when she has seen me or heard me hanging out with other women, she has got super jealous. When I have applied dread, it has really dreaded her.

Monogamy is something I struggle with anyway, I am still physically very attracted to multiple women at any given time. (I guess most men are. When the sex is awesome, I can be monogamous, but when it's cut off, my attention is starting to wane, a lot.

I have been casually suggested an option, to maybe start seeing other people, to open the relationship up. But she has been pretty vocal about not wanting a non-monogamous relationship.

I am attracted to other girls and women though and since I’m not really getting my needs met here anymore or at least right now, I have been starting to wonder, to get my needs met somewhere else.

There are some things that bother me in her too. Like she hasn’t been able to quit smoking (even though I have been vocal about not liking it) and is shitty with her finances. Not fully her fault, but just her field of work in our country.

I’m big in personal development, health, and fitness. So the smoking side has put me off more and more.

Then again, she is way better than me in cooking and nutrition. And of course, there are a lot of things I like about her.

I guess my attraction to her has also gone up and down, like in any long-term relationship. And probably hers to me too. But now spending more time apart, I'm more attracted to her.

So, I am still attracted to her, and could possibly be into working it out. But I want to have my sexual needs met. I would be into giving, exploring new things. But I feel one-sided. I need to see the effort put into this. For now, though I completely withdrew my attention.

I have been into going tantric and bondage workshops, and reading about and trying out new things. But I also feel this kind of initiation must come from the woman's side too.

I have brought the sex part up after some little rejections, very casually but have not really got any answer. I guess it must be something then she does not want to admit. She is not a very great communicator anyway in intimate stuff.

I still look and feel very young (people tell me they would not tell me I'm older than 30 max), I'm fit and horny So I am by no means ready for some kind of "dead bedroom" situation. And we're not even living together anymore. Fuck that.

Any suggestions on how to approach this? More dread?

I guess a very honest conversation is always an option. Then again, I know, that when it's a (lack of) attraction thing, this would put her off even more. And when to go that route, then what's the best way to go about it, from the guy's perspective.

I have been keeping my distance now and also shutting down my attention.

She keeps investing more than me in other relationship stuff, but not in sex.

 

[Warped Mindless]

25 Maxims On Relationships

The following are some general maxims on the topic of relationships. Free free to add more and/or discuss any of the ones I post. Maxims: 1: Over the long term she should be investing into the relationship more than you. 2: She should never completely feel like she "has" you. 3: Don't...

www.skilledseducer.com

If she stays pulling away you follow those rules and add more “dread” into it.
I’ll write a more specific reply when I have more time.

 

[Will_V]

Hey!

So, some background. Have been together with this girl for around 5,5 years now. I am 39, she is 32. For a time we even lived together, but we always kept our separate places on the side, and now for the most part we live apart again. For the record, I have been the one, who wanted to keep a personal space. We still have keys to each other apartments and have stuff around. We both seem to be happy with living arrangements though at the moment.

BUT for some time already, I’ve noticed she is less interested in sex. She has been turning me down a lot. Now, I guess I could understand, when we were together a lot, it was sometimes too casual. But now when we live apart again, we meet maybe once a week or even once every two weeks, and she is still not into it, it has started to bother me.

I have a high sex drive and I would have sex almost every day and have had periods when I have.

Even pure physical needs aside, I have been feeling less close to her, as we’re not intimate often anymore.

It cannot be her work or stress as she does not have a stressful period in her life. It cannot be her body, as she is fit and is studying to be a yoga teacher, so she is probably in better shape than before.

I am also fit and have been lifting a lot. I have a personal trainer and I am probably in one of the best shapes for a while. I have been in shape all the time. I am also a handsome young-looking dude and pretty successful. I have had some mental and financial issues lately, but I have been keeping her out of it mostly. And I have dealt with them and been solving them. I guess a lot of people had some problems with these fucked up lockdowns.

Of course, I have made some mistakes in this LTR and not always keeping my frame all the time or having stupid arguments here and there. I think most people who have had relationships that long, understand that when some personal issues occur, it’s not always a walk in the park to always keep the frame. But for the most part, I have been consistent and in the frame.

She has always been on the submissive side, very feminine, and has not really taken the lead in sex. But I know she is capable of being very passionate in bed too. Now she has started to turn down sex altogether. Or being shy about it. And when she gets into it, I feel she is often tense, not fully present, or not overly passionate, turned on, or excited.

This ofc has put me off too and don’t even feel too excited to initiate anymore.

Another thing that has started to bug me, is that she rarely gives head. And my other partners have always been into it.

And I have been going down on her a lot (I enjoy it) and been putting effort into it, to be good at it.

I feel she is kind of closed sexually.

She even turned me down the other night, when I gave her a nice full-body naked massage.

Could of course also be that she just isn’t so attracted anymore. I mean, the relationship has been over 5 years already and women’s sexual attraction drops sooner and can take a deep nosedive.

But then again she does want to cuddle a lot and kiss and talk and hang out. And is saying "I love you" a lot and has been wanting to take care of me. And when she has seen me or heard me hanging out with other women, she has got super jealous. When I have applied dread, it has really dreaded her.

Monogamy is something I struggle with anyway, I am still physically very attracted to multiple women at any given time. (I guess most men are. When the sex is awesome, I can be monogamous, but when it's cut off, my attention is starting to wane, a lot.

I have been casually suggested an option, to maybe start seeing other people, to open the relationship up. But she has been pretty vocal about not wanting a non-monogamous relationship.

I am attracted to other girls and women though and since I’m not really getting my needs met here anymore or at least right now, I have been starting to wonder, to get my needs met somewhere else.

There are some things that bother me in her too. Like she hasn’t been able to quit smoking (even though I have been vocal about not liking it) and is shitty with her finances. Not fully her fault, but just her field of work in our country.

I’m big in personal development, health, and fitness. So the smoking side has put me off more and more.

Then again, she is way better than me in cooking and nutrition. And of course, there are not of things I like about her.

I am still attracted to her, and could possibly be into working it out. But I want to have my sexual needs met. I would be into giving, exploring new things. But I feel one-sided. For now, though I completely withdrew my attention.

I have been into going tantric and bondage workshops, and reading about and trying out new things. But I also feel this kind of initiation must come from the woman's side.

I have brought the sex part up after some little rejections, very casually but have not really got any answer. I guess it must be something then she does not want to admit. She is not a very great communicator anyway in intimate stuff.

I still look and feel very young (people tell me they would not tell me I'm older than 30 max), I'm fit and horny So I am by no means ready for some kind of "dead bedroom" situation. And we're not even living together any more. Fuck that.

Any suggestions on how to approach this? More dread?

I guess a very honest conversation is always an option. Then again, I know, that when it's a (lack of) attraction thing, this would put her off even more. And when to go that route, then what's the best way to go about it, from the guy's perspective.

I have been keeping my distance now and also shutting down my attention.

She keeps investing more than me in other relationship stuff, but not in sex.

You're in an exclusive relationship and banging once a week or once a fortnight? Not nearly enough imo. What's she going to do all those nights by herself?

That said I believe the problem here is that she wants something more (kids, marriage, family) and is slowly getting the message that it's not going to happen. She's 32, if she wants kids it's going to have to happen very soon and she knows it, and if you're not the guy then time is already very low to find, vet, and secure Mr Right.

I had this same exact situation with my last girlfriend. She hit 30, we had some issues and broke up, she kept coming back and I kept going and banging her, but though she was making herself available she wasn't open psychologically the way she was before. There was one time I stayed over at hers a couple of days and I was super horny, got down on her like you did, took her from every which way, and although she was able to relax I just wasn't able to push her buttons. She even got curious asking me what happened that I was in such a good state (I didn't know either) but I knew the reality was that even at my best, she couldn't open up to me anymore. It actually made me feel very low afterward, and it stuck in my mind for a long time.

I concluded that women cannot psychologically turn down a man that she wants to reproduce with, but when he won't commit and time is running out, it screws her up psychologically, like some kind of cognitive/physiological dissonance. It's like her body says 'yes!' and her mind is panicking like 'you need to move on, find someone to reproduce with!' and she ends up in a sort of frozen state. I gotta say personally it's a really unpleasant feeling to bang a woman who's closed off, I believe it's very bad for her as well, and it's made me much more bullish about moving on from women faster when I don't see any future and she's showing signs of needing it.

That's my take on the situation, hope it helps.

 

[Skills]

You have the ideal set up 2 different places and still no sex, I would have an honesty session with her to find out the issue.... but if I am you I would be out, I have never had a relationship when this happened I was able to fix, other than out.

 

[memoboy]

Thank you for the feedback! Excellent list, Warped Mindless! And Chase's too!
With some of the stuff, things are alright and good, but I guess not nearly enough with everything

Thanks a lot also for the feedback Will_V!

That's a tricky one. I was honest with her from the start, I told her I don't really want kids.

And when we tried to live together, well she lived in my place. We ended up having too many domestic arguments in the end and I guess I saw that having kids with her was a tricky one anyway. In the end, she was the one, who initiated the "soft move" back to her place, as it seemed we both needed more personal space.

Recently, I have been getting older (don't really feel it yet, but the number is ofc increasing and reevaluating and thinking maybe I would want a kid after all. And even spilled it to her in some intimate moment in some spontaneous stupid moment.
She seemed really happy. And said she would love to have a kid with me...

But she is not even sure if she wants them now anyway. Or so it looks.

And frankly, neither of us is in a place in life to have them right now.

I'm aware it might be too late soon. For the both of us. And certainly for her.

What's puzzling to me is, that she acts very relationshippy and loving in other ways, but not being into sex.

There might be some truth to that though, that on a subconscious level, she feels the future is not aligned anymore.

Definitely not enough banging surely.

And it beats me what she is doing all the other nights. Seems to be she is not even masturbating. Seems her sex drive is really low now.

I completely cut off porn myself, and now it seems very difficult to survive this, without starting to have sex on the side or leaving this situation completely.

 

[Chase]

@memoboy,

Have you seen my article on dead bedrooms yet? Discussion of causes there, plus solutions:

How to Never Have a Sexless Relationship (the Sex Trump Card)

Over the years I've seen friends go through relationships where after a while their woman stops having sex with them. When it happens, the guy is shaken; his self-esteem slides hard. When a man needs something, and is denied it by the woman he thought was there to be his partner for that thing...

www.girlschase.com

Now she has started to turn down sex altogether. Or being shy about it. And when she gets into it, I feel she is often tense, not fully present, or not overly passionate, turned on, or excited.

This change in behavior around sex sounds like it is something clearly bothering her about the sex itself, rather than just a low libido.

It could be the "Where is this going?" question. Like what @Will_V mentions here:

I concluded that women cannot psychologically turn down a man that she wants to reproduce with, but when he won't commit and time is running out, it screws her up psychologically, like some kind of cognitive/physiological dissonance. It's like her body says 'yes!' and her mind is panicking like 'you need to move on, find someone to reproduce with!' and she ends up in a sort of frozen state. I gotta say personally it's a really unpleasant feeling to bang a woman who's closed off, I believe it's very bad for her as well, and it's made me much more bullish about moving on from women faster when I don't see any future and she's showing signs of needing it.

Or it could be a libido crash she is embarrassed to discuss and doesn't know how to.

Could be she's caught feelings for another guy... but her protesting against opening the relationship up and being affectionate in other ways suggests against that.

You're going to need to have a heart-to-heart with her to figure out what's going on exactly, in her head and her heart. If that doesn't solve it, you may need to use some of the techniques from the article to get things moving with her again.

Chase

 

[sab]

You're in an exclusive relationship and banging once a week or once a fortnight? Not nearly enough imo. What's she going to do all those nights by herself?

That said I believe the problem here is that she wants something more (kids, marriage, family) and is slowly getting the message that it's not going to happen. She's 32, if she wants kids it's going to have to happen very soon and she knows it, and if you're not the guy then time is already very low to find, vet, and secure Mr Right.

I had this same exact situation with my last girlfriend. She hit 30, we had some issues and broke up, she kept coming back and I kept going and banging her, but though she was making herself available she wasn't open psychologically the way she was before. There was one time I stayed over at hers a couple of days and I was super horny, got down on her like you did, took her from every which way, and although she was able to relax I just wasn't able to push her buttons. She even got curious asking me what happened that I was in such a good state (I didn't know either) but I knew the reality was that even at my best, she couldn't open up to me anymore. It actually made me feel very low afterward, and it stuck in my mind for a long time.

I concluded that women cannot psychologically turn down a man that she wants to reproduce with, but when he won't commit and time is running out, it screws her up psychologically, like some kind of cognitive/physiological dissonance. It's like her body says 'yes!' and her mind is panicking like 'you need to move on, find someone to reproduce with!' and she ends up in a sort of frozen state. I gotta say personally it's a really unpleasant feeling to bang a woman who's closed off, I believe it's very bad for her as well, and it's made me much more bullish about moving on from women faster when I don't see any future and she's showing signs of needing it.

That's my take on the situation, hope it helps.

Great insight from Will_V. "And is saying "I love you" a lot and has been wanting to take care of me. And when she has seen me or heard me hanging out with other women, she has got super jealous. When I have applied dread, it has really dreaded her.".
Yep her biological clock is ringing loud. At 32, she is starting to panic about the future marriage, kids etc...i.e: where the relationship is headed. You need to be honest about your desires and be clear to her about that. It is a tough situation for her especially.

 

[Will_V]

@memoboy,

Have you seen my article on dead bedrooms yet? Discussion of causes there, plus solutions:

How to Never Have a Sexless Relationship (the Sex Trump Card)

Over the years I've seen friends go through relationships where after a while their woman stops having sex with them. When it happens, the guy is shaken; his self-esteem slides hard. When a man needs something, and is denied it by the woman he thought was there to be his partner for that thing...

www.girlschase.com

This change in behavior around sex sounds like it is something clearly bothering her about the sex itself, rather than just a low libido.

It could be the "Where is this going?" question. Like what @Will_V mentions here:



Or it could be a libido crash she is embarrassed to discuss and doesn't know how to.

Could be she's caught feelings for another guy... but her protesting against opening the relationship up and being affectionate in other ways suggests against that.

You're going to need to have a heart-to-heart with her to figure out what's going on exactly, in her head and her heart. If that doesn't solve it, you may need to use some of the techniques from the article to get things moving with her again.

Chase

Good point about catching feelings, not to jump to negative conclusions @memoboy but if she's spending 13 days out of every 14 without you, plus there's any kind of issues going on and you're not fully committed together, it's going to be real easy for someone else to start pushing in to fill up all that emotional vaccuum.

 

[memoboy]

Thanks so much for the replies and thoughts. Especially stoked and appreciated that @Chase himself pitched in. I must say, I have been into this stuff for years and years and to this day, your articles and content (that you also offer largely for free) on GirlsChase is hard to beat! I especially like that it's so common sense, logical, and not ideaoligical, and is not going into some hardcore red/purple/black/name-your-color pilled category and sect.

I don't think she has another love interest at the moment. BUT this certainly can occur soon, if this continues. And I of course cannot 100% entirely rule that out. She of course gets approached.