Making more/better connections.

[Estate]

Hey guys,
So I'm looking for some extra insights from you guys on "making a connection".

Lets imagine I'm at a bar. I've somehow introduced myself, I know her name, I know where she's from, what she does, maybe we bantered a little... we've been chatting for a few minutes.
The next part is where it can be hit and miss for me... I need to improve on it but I'm struggling to think of exact techniques or paths to explore. (e.g. If I go out this week I want a gameplan of what I'm working on and a set idea of what I'm trying out.)

So from reading all of Chases' great articles I need to begin to deep dive here.
I seem to stumble on 2 counts:
- Having any tried and tested conversation "routes" into the deep dive. I seem to just fish a lot. If something sticks I do great but often nothing does and I flounder. (I'm not really looking to memorize routines but I want to be able to thread the conversation down a path which is constructive.)
- I feel too "serious" when I do this. Like I still need to be more light-hearted somehow.

So I guess what I'm asking is for examples... at this point in the interaction, I should have some idea where I want to take the conversation. I should at least have a structure as to where I am leading things rather than fishing for something to make a connection.
Could any of you guys offer any ideas or insights here? Do you have a high level plan at this point? Do you have any specific areas you tend to lead the conversation or favourite things to question and deep dive about?

My main goal is to improve my interactions beyond just approaching. I want to solidly make connections with women and know how I am doing it, so I can repeat.

Many thanks for any insights guys.
E.

 

[Novacane]

I found that when making better long lasting connections the best thing to do is to treat the individual whether a male or female as a long time friend you haven't seen in a while. With this mindset it makes it easy for me to just let loose and deep dive, reciprocate information to the person if you do not understand something they have mentioned or want clarity, never see it as a robotic process treat it more like catching up with someone you never knew. You genuinely have to be interested in what the person has to say which can be displayed through non-verbal s and facial expressions. Just remember if you are able to have someone open up to you, and show interest in what they say long after the conversation has ended, and you are on your way you'll leave a lasting impression of someone who works well with all sorts of people. So get out there and strike up a conversation with whom ever and have fun! Good Luck.

 

[Tyme2k]

I used to struggle with this and with some women it's still tough, but now when it's on its on. I have successfully built connections though after plowing through that conversational low point you speak of.

What I do is tell a story that is interesting. Similar to a DHV story from Mystery Method. However I base it more on what I've read in Chase's articles, I will engage them and ask things like,"has that ever happened to you?" this will lead them to telling you a story and 90% of the time I never even finish my story and the end result is her feeling extremely connected.

I also read something recently (can't remember where)about multi threading stories, you start one keep it interesting then transistion to another open threaded story. I noticed I do this naturally when i'm flowing well and with a decent conversational partner. Before you know it you have 4 unfinished stories that she cant wait to hear and you've got her telling you 30 different stories, since all she really wants to do is tell you about herself.

I guess one downfall to game is that we tend to have the ability to pull people closer, yet we feel distant. When you listen so much you feel like people are not connected to you. They will feel you're connected to them, but only because you know more about them then people closest to them. A guy on RSD talked about this like looking through a glass wall, on your side is your reality of game, socializing, abundance, etc. and on the other side out there is where the masses live, only getting a glimpse of what it's like when you come around or tell them an amazing story.

One last note, I feel my best connections are made when I'm not trying to connect.

 

[Ross]

Hey Estate,

Deep diving is something that came very naturally for me, because I am genuinely interested in how people feel about things and what drives and motivates them. It's almost like this puzzle for me to figure out, and I really enjoy the stimulus it provides. At first, I had no idea how to get into a point where I could learn those things.

A good route to take in conversation is to obviously start out with small talk. Sometimes they bite, other times they will try to remain in small talk and resist any advances into deeper territory. But you've got to keep persisting. I find an extremely easy way to do this without making her feel like she is in an interview is to ask deep, penetrating questions. I'll give you a sample dialogue from a conversation I had with a woman last week, but I wanted to be friendly with her rather than sexual.

Me: So - what year are you in? (Easy, normal question)
Her: I'm a sophomore.. But a lot of people think I'm older than that though
Me: Oh, that's cool, what are you majoring in? (Ignore the thread she started, it wasn't going to lead anywhere)
Her: Well, I used to major in social work, but now I'm focusing on education, (continues to tell me about how she was influenced by her mother and a whole host of other things)

With more practice you'll learn which threads aren't worth following. Most times, it's the threads that the women start that aren't worth following, unless they look promising.

Everyone has relationships with people or has plans for the future, so these are typically great threads to follow as jumping off points. Focus on environmental cues for choosing which ones to follow. For example; at a bar, most people don't want to talk about their problems with college. They'd rather talk about social sphere topics, as they are currently engaging in a social gathering. When running some day game at a shopping center, it's more acceptable to get personal with people about who they really are, because you are genuinely interested in figuring out who they are.

Moving onto your second sticking point,

- I feel too "serious" when I do this. Like I still need to be more light-hearted somehow.

I often get stuck here as well. I get so caught up in learning and deciphering, that the conversation was just drowned. I used to just fumble around and look for another topic to dive into right after listening to one. The issue here is that you aren't emotionally connecting with what was just said. Another example from my conversation the other night:

Her: So, yeah, I just really don't know where I'm at right now. (Repeating herself)
Me: (Pause for a second or two) Yeah, I know where you are at. The good thing is that you still have plenty of time to make a decision. And I'm sure you'll end up happy with whatever you choose. (Warm smile)
Her: Yeah, I hope so.
Me: That's the great thing about college!
Her: Yeah,
Me: Well, I had a fun time tonight and enjoyed getting to know you. I'll see you later.

Got to come up for air sometime by emotionally validating the ways that she is expressing how she feels. Instead of saying goodbye, I could have proceeded to talk about her mother who she briefly talked about, or I could have moved her after the emotional crest if I were in a pick-up situation.

Hope that helped you out Estate.

 

[Estate]

Thanks for advice guys.
I'm taking it all on board.

I appreciate the examples. My problem is not that I can't deep dive but I seem to lack a purpose or actual direction. As in... I deep dive but feel I could have a structure, instead of randomly diving and fishing for topics, know what sort of emotions or values I want to bring out and lead it in a direction which leads to something else constructive.

Sometimes when a conversation gets deep I find myself without that conscious direction as to where I'd like it to go.

 

[diegoC]

Estate, I really think you will get better just by talking and talking and talking to lots of girls.

I think giving you a structure for deep diving is not something easy to do. The structure is something is built during the interaction itself. No girl is the same and just by talking to lot of them you will know how to steer your interaction based on the girls signs.

Just pick something and just start going deep, flowing (really important to make it light sometimes). You will learn to read how everything is going based on the girls non-verbals, and of course, verbals (easier, jeje).

I deep dive but feel I could have a structure, …, know what sort of emotions or values I want to bring out and lead it in a direction which leads to something else constructive.

If you know which kind of emotions or values you would like to bring out you should think of topics that could bring those (and deep dive on them). You want to know if she wants to be the president of the company, work it is. Want to know what she thinks about relations, you'll have to deep dive on them. You get the idea.

Sometimes when a conversation gets deep I find myself without that conscious direction as to where I'd like it to go.

I'm not quite sure what you mean. If you are getting deep, she's opening up, that's good. You should just keep going until you see it goes nowhere and change topic. Once she has opened up for you, that's it. She will be very opened during the interaction when you browse other subjects.

You must know where you want to go. You could mover her when you know she is connecting a lot if you want to change the dynamic of the interaction. You must know what you want when you talk to her: Number close? Sex with her?

Keep it up approaching girls and you will learn to feel interactions so good that you will flow smoothly.

Cheers!

 

[Estate]

diego,
Thanks! You are right that practice makes perfect. A routine or sceipt is definitely what I need.

As you said, I need to know what emotions I am trying to evoke. I think you hit it on the head... as silly as it sounds, sometimes I think that's where I get stuck.

For example...
Lets say you deep dive with a girl about family..

Girl 1 responds with lots of positive emotions, we share stories, things like that, it makes her excited.
Girl 2's parents are divorced, she doesn't speak with her siblings, she has no extended family... Now I feel stuck, yes I'm deep diving but the topic is more negative, I want to lead it somewhere more positive.

That's just an example, it's difficult to apply it to any situation, but hopefully you know what I mean.

With girl 2, maybe being sympathetic or understanding would actually be attractive but if the tone goes down, I'm not sure how to constructively move on from it to lead things where I would like.

 

[diegoC]

With girl 2, maybe being sympathetic or understanding would actually be attractive but if the tone goes down, I'm not sure how to constructively move on from it to lead things where I would like.

I was trying to find the post that talked about this stuff. I can't find it but I'll tell you the idea.
When you hit a topic that starts bringing bad emotions you want to run away from it.

Reading your conversation example it's more probable that a girl won't tell you in one shot all that (parents divorced, doesn't get along with siblings, no extended family). I now, its an example, but I want to point out that is more likely that you won't be hit by so many bad stuff in one punch.

So, it is more realistic that if you ask about her family she will start with "Well, my parents are divorced and they keep fighting. It sucks" At this point you can definitely see where this is going to go. Then you will do the following:

• Listen to her: You will have to listen and wait.
• Understand her: After she has said whatever she needed to you should let her know that you feel for her. Don't ever ignore women's emotions.
• Move on: Bring another subject that will bring positive emotions again

For example:

- You: "How about your family?"
- Her: "Well, my parents are divorced. They keep fighting all the time still. It really sucks…"
– You: "Oh, that sucks. One of my friends had that same thing. But me and all the boys were having good times with him and keep him cheer up. I'm pretty sure you've got great friends, right?"

You are listening her, understanding and trying to bring a positive new topic – hopefully she has good friends. It would suck if she tells you that she has no friends, jaja, in which case you should leave: She's way too damaged, jeje –

If you did a good job you will avoid bad emotions and bring good ones back to the conversation.

Just keep talking to girls and you will learn to flow smoothly. Just like teasing, at first, you might not use them when there were perfect opportunities to. You might think later:

"FUCK! I'm such an asshole. She said she like to wear short skirts and I just said 'nice'. Duh! I should have said something like 'Are you trying to seduce me by making me think about you in tiny short skirts?' Lesson learned" Eventually your mind will get tuned to think on the fly.

A good advice is to use pauses. This way you can have some time to think what to respond.
For example:

• Her: "I just want it to be Summer already"
• You (pause... think): "Are you trying to make me picture you in bikini?"/"Are you suggesting you would like for me to rub your sunscreener?"
• Her: "jajaj, noooo"

Now, if you don't come up with anything, don't worry, a simple response with good non-verbals (squinting eyes, look from the corner of your eyes, softer voice) will get you along just fine in the conversation:

• Her: "I just want it to be Summer already"
• You (pause... think): "Oh really?"/"Why?"
• Her: "Yeah!"

This way of answering aims to be a little intriguing. Is a "Oh really"/"Why" but done in a way that sounds like something is on your mind. I hope you get what I mean.

It's important that you use pauses during your interaction in general. This way it will feel completely natural when you are pausing while thinking of a good witty/chase/implication response.

Cheers!