Openers Mastering The "Hey, How Are You?" Game

[Hector Papi Castillo]

This one's VERY common on college campuses. It used to make me cringe and I see many people fumble with this game on a daily basis. It's a very serious project of mine now to master the game of "Hey, How Are You?"


Scenario

Imagine you're walking to class on a busy walkway. You walk past a few people you know (a lot if it's a small campus or a specific department building). But this next person you know, you see them coming from a mile away. You know you'll pass them and that they're close enough to your social circle that it'd be rude to ignore them. So what do you do?

Do you make eye contact with them early on? Problem is, now you either have to yell at them to start the conversation, or wave. But, then, the wave has pretty much said "hi" already; you do it again when you're closer and it makes the exchange even more burdensome and awkward.

Oh shit, you already made eye contact. No going back now.

As you close in on each other, you both start fidgeting; both of you know that the other is visualizing the passing interaction, mulling over the numerous ways they can execute their part in the game. But you spend too much time thinking about it...

Now you're within the talking proximity of "not too far that you have to yell," but still not "intimate." However, one of you jumps at the first sign of serious social pressure and out comes a very uncertain

Them - Hey!

You - Hey!

Them - How Are You?

You - Good! How are you?

Them - Good!

And then you pass each other. Awkward situation over, but you haven't gained anything! You should ALWAYS be developing your social skills. Always.

It gets really funny when sometimes you still haven't fully passed each other and you make the last passing steps extremely awkward, because you lack the words.

Or in the rare case when someone's extremely nervous, socially retarded, or not totally in the moment, they utter back again "how are you?!" even when it's been exchanged already (I love watching this happen).


I know you've been here. You may not really wish to talk to the person that much; if you were to somehow pull them into a genuine conversation, you may enjoy it, you may not. And if you did it with everyone, you would never get to class on time.

So there are a few instances where we need to construct a good routine (though inevitably you will need to be smooth and capable of adapting quickly to your environment or even remembering a past interaction with them that you can draw from for conversation material).


Instances

• 
  [*]An acquaintance you have no interest in talking to but for the sake of social grace and humility should still say "hi" to
  
  [*]An acquaintance you wish to become friends with (male or female; each may require a different approach)
  
  [*]A girl you know and want to fuck, but haven't yet escalated with or even revealed your interest to

________


These are the only instances I personally need help with, because


- Good friends should be easy to talk to. I just usually say "hey baby" to my fraternity brothers and wink and feel NO hint of awkwardness whatsoever. Most of our conversation is nonverbal (e.g., "I love you man, we'll hangout later).

- Girls you have slept with are infinitely easier to work with; so long as you didn't give the chlamydia they probably like you to some extent and will enjoy conversation, no matter its quality

- Girls who like you (feelings can be shared or not here): this is easy, because they will follow your lead on pretty much anything you say or do. I've said some dumb shit before and they just laugh or somehow flesh it out into a legitimate conversation. As long as you have SOME social calibration, you'll be fine.


The only caveat here MIGHT be ex-girlfriends. I actually still haven't run into the ex I broke up with 3 months ago, so I'm curious how I'll react, but being calm and kind but not engaging further than they invest is a good first bet.



_______________

Note: I have had experience just going with the robotic "hey, are you? Good, how are you? Good" exchange, but just being ULTRA calm with STRONG fundamentals and having their "Good!" be very excited and obviously imply more than just the denotative "good." But right now I'm looking for smart exchanges, with the understanding that strong fundamentals are a given.



I have a few ideas in mind, but I want to see what everyone thinks; plus, I have work soon.


May you all become powerful beyond measure,

Anatman

 

[Zoro]

This one's VERY common on college campuses. It used to make me cringe and I see many people fumble with this game on a daily basis. It's a very serious project of mine now to master the game of "Hey, How Are You?"

I too would cringe at this!

Once I was working in an small office with some cool laid back people older than me. Since I was seeing them everyday it was important to keep good relationships, but this was right around the time I was growing tired of the "How are you?" game.

So what I did was let myself go through the exchange to see what would happen. I found that after a while when we were comfortable with each other the verbal exchanges stayed the same yet the voice tone/facial expressions would change and could alter the meaning drastically.

My favorite was to exaggerate the "How are you?" with a slightly raised eyebrow and smirk if I was in a playful vibe. This would usually receive a giggle and a big smile.

If a colleague was having a bad day the reply to the "How are you?" would be short or reserved and you could tell something was off.

To the milf of the office I would hold eye contact and give her a sexy smile, which she often reciprocated.

For me, one way to beat this "game" is to use nonverbal fundamentals to spice up the robotic verbals. I would like to see some verbal plays on this exchange and am looking forward to what you have to say, Anatman!

-Wick

 

[Just_Dave]

Daps and Pounds

Hey Anatman,

Good topic!

Bros:
From personal experience I'm just a friendly guy also in a fraternity, I just make the exchanges personal if I know the person and I have time to talk or go in close a "pound" fist bump or "dap" (street slang for informal handshake). I often say "What Up?" cause I feel like "Hey, how are you?" is just to formal for my campus. Everybody knows I'm a laid back dude and I'm chilling listening to music most of the time on my walks to class.

Ladies:
I really try not to think too much of the exchanges when I see girls I like unless I'm interested in getting with them. I either use their name and stop them when I want to talk to them. I use a sexy smile and walk directly in there path "Hey Kelly" *give her a hug* and then I keep on going on my way. I may sometimes say we need to hang out and if I have time for an instant I'll frame it like, "Hey since you're free we should chill for a bit." If it's a girl I've seen a couple times and don't remember her name I just say "Hey stranger" and keep it moving. Often times girls love seeing you talk to other girls and you can meet a new cute girl by this.

It's important to keep things like, casual, and keep it cool. People will understand if you can't talk now or you're busy. Just with what seems right at the moment. Definitely a good topic.

 

[Mr.Rob]

I also like this topic. It's kind of one of those social situations that isn't that important in all reality for the scheme of many relationships but overthinking it (like a lot of people do) turns it into an important social situation.

I fucking hate being asked this question by people working behind cash registers. It's so generic and says "I don't really care but don't want to be an asshole register person".
Lately I've been trying to have a more overall positive vibe everywhere I go that brightens people's days just from being in contact with me. Though not too hot for seduction, being the super positive upbeat higher energy guy (overprovides good feelings and can be a little overboard so I cut it out when I approach women). But the average joe shop clerk asks that questions 100's of times a day and hears the same response over and over and wants to shoot himself.
I like Dave Ramsey's approach to answering that question with "I'm doing better than I deserve! Thanks for asking." There usually somewhat blown back and ask why I'm better than I deserve, and I tell them and we share a real connection for a second before he/she goes back on autopilot for the rest of the day.

Though walking by on a college campus I'd probably refrain as it's a lot to get out in one quick easy spiel. For these I usually try and sprinkle a little genuine warm emotion in my response and personalize it a little mostly for personal gain. I can't stand saying canned responses it makes me cringe. Even if it's just calling the persons name out with some knowing emotion and warmth like you're somewhat happy to see them.

-Rob

 

[Marty]

Slightly off-topic but what I like to do these days when introduced to a hot girl (that is, not introducing myself and therefore not needing to repeat my own name) is simply to take her hand in mine (not shake it), look her direct in the eye with a warm, slow smile, and say nothing at all. Hold it for as long as I dare.

This appears to boost intrigue at the very least, and capitalizes on any attraction that might already have been there. It is exceptionally powerful when multiple introductions are being effected and I execute all the others in a "regular" (yet dominant) fashion, distinguishing my chosen lady from the rest by my silence.

Try it and see.

 

[Hector Papi Castillo]

Love these responses. Alright,

1. For guys whom I'm not particularly interested in talking to, they fall into two groups

I'm not interested because I don't know them

or

Because I know them and consider them low value


In either case, however, I've recently decided to lift them up, nonetheless. It's a kindness if I brighten their day and possibly push them towards a life of high value. In the case of ignorance, I consider it a chance to connect with them. In fact, I've bolstered my standard "what's up" (Just_Dave and I apparently both use this bro response; frat guys, eh?) with some emotion, along with my fundamentals, and notice SO MUCH difference, as some of you guys have already illustrated.

Yesterday a guy I've only talked to once reengage me after the "hey, what's up?" because I frontloaded it with emotion. We got into a quick but genuine talk about rush, I asked him his name again (he forgave me for forgetting haha) and now I'm certain he felt a genuine bro-connection.


2. For girls I want to become friends with, I add emotion to the usual exchange but also will ask them something like "how's your week been?" or if there was recently a holiday, I adapt with something like "how was your Valentine's Day?" Sometimes I'm quick enough to use my surroundings as fodder or even remember a past conversational piece, but all I need is one semi-interesting piece from their week, weekend, or holiday, and then I can usually amplify the thread. The extra "how's X been?" question is usually necessary, though, since they have little need to invest in me UNLESS they like me (in which case it's easy to talk to them).

3. Girls you want to fuck: definitely with Dave here. Make them feel warm by using their name, and go out of your way to enter their intimate circle (e.g., walk in their immediate path) or say something like "hey, I'll walk with ya for a second; let's catch up!" So long as you're slow about this, should have no problem transitioning from opposite walking directions into a walk together. I have a particular girl in mind with whom I want to try this. If you're VERY certain you'll see her again, only say "hi" (though don't forget the emotion and fundamentals) the first and/or second time, then once you've built up that non-verbal rapport, walk with them or have them stop to talk. And then QUICKLY suggest a date (~2-3 minutes of talking).

I love the "hey stranger" approach to girls who's names you've forgotten. It makes them look like the one who's been out of touch with you and puts a subtle social pressure on them to rekindle. If they show NO signs of interest when you do this, just assume they're not interested.



And Marty! I DEFINITELY want to try this. I've been experimenting with bending social rules lately since I've reached the upper-echelon of social status at my school, and I really want to give this a try, since I'm more likely to get away with it.



You guys rock! Looks like the key to everything, even nuanced social interactions like this, really come down to 80% fundamentals. Funny


May you all become powerful beyond measure,

Anatman

 

[BarryS1]

Anatman,

Really cool how you broke down the difference in response to friendly, non-interesting, and sexual crowds. The part about the non-interesting crowd is great! I'm trying to push myself towards talking to folks I'm not interested in to keep the social momentum going! I am encountering the "Hey, how are you?" in situations while walking or standing/sitting around somewhere. Just graduated college, so I don't experience seeing people while walking around as much.

I always get stuck with small talk after answering the question, so blowing it off is the best option for me. I never use "Hey, how are you" as an opener, but use the tactic for a reaction. I'll start front-loading emotion into it like J Wick does and see if I notice anything different.

My method involves blowing off the question and responding by changing the subject or a non-verbal affirmation depending on the person. I have not seen anyone else do this, but it definitely creates an interesting interaction by challenging people. Here’s what I’m trying to do:

Blow off:

-Non-verbals like a shrug, head tilt, and a cornered smile.
-Change the subject and get off small-talk.


Moving Around:

Interesting Girls

I just blow it off completely it b/c it’s a social cue and ppl do it unconsciously. I feel like it could be a mistake on other ppl’s part.

For example

Girl: Hey

Me: Hi

Girl: Hows it going?

Me: Kelly, still drinking starbucks? Aren’t you supposed to lay off those?

(Quick conversation)


Friends

Blow it off completely, walk by, and say hi with a friendly facial expression.

Guy: Hi, how’s it going?

Me: Joe! Hey man!

Both types seem to appreciate this more by cutting to the chase and not playing the social cue game. Getting straight to the point with the girl saves me an invaluable 5 sec or so.


Close proximity and not going anywhere soon:

This is taking a lot of time for me to perfect. There’s been many occasions where the tactic blows up and I give the impression of being rude. If the tactic worked, I cut the small talk and started deep-diving immediately. The trouble involves transitioning from the shocked reaction to saying something meaningful.

Interesting Girls

Example from meeting a new girl in a kickboxing class.

Girl: Hey, how’s it going?

Me: (Shoulder shrug, corner smile and head cock)

Girl: (Holds her attention to me, waiting for a response)

Me: Wish I had gloves like yours (taking her boxing glove). I’m gonna take a beating.

Girl: Thanks, I got them nearby, blah blah blah

Me: Oh, so you are familiar with the area! You a local?


Friends

Example from my friend and I in kickboxing class.

Guy: Hey, How’s it going?

Me: Shoulder shrug,

Guy: So that’s how it is, huh Barry?

Me: Haha! You’ve got a reputation now with that round-house bro. Intimidating everyone.

(Fist-bump)

 

[Little Jester]

Lot of cool stuff. I especially want to try the non verbals response thing, see if I can pull it off without them going into "... alright, I'll get back to you later" (cause I can be a bit cold / edgy from the outset, especially to strangers)

For my personal responses I stick more with absurdity to get someone out of auto pilot and break the boring patterns for my own amusement :

Them: How are you?
Me: Still a handsome guy.

Them: How are you?
Me: The same.... EXACTLY the same.

Them: How are you?
Me: You tell me.

Them: How are you?
Me: Heartbroken
Them: Why?
Me: <insert something you could care less about, like Justin Bieber got arrested / some sport guy failed to get this and that medal on the Olympic games / whatever>


In case of (birthday) parties:

Them: How are you?
Me: It's hot in here; My drink evaporates too quickly (pointing at empty glass / bottle)
<Them either smiling and maybe opening on new subject or maybe even getting drinks for them and me>

On a big venue / large event, especially that I clearly didn't organize:

Them: How are you?
Me: Well, it's my birthday of course! I thought I throw a party here and it's so nice of all these people to show up, including yourself
Them: <commenting / playing along with the roles I set out>
Me: Yeah it got a little out of hand though. Anyways, <switch topic, but have this roleplay thing to fall back on>

I do this stuffs in general, no matter if it are guys, girls, friends. And I don't open conversation much with "How are you?" myself, instead I'll make a statement about something (preferably about the person) or not engage at all. If I'm passing by, it is already just non verbals (force a warm smile, keep eye contact as long as possible and get them to say hi instead)
Depending on the mood, I sometimes deliver the above responses with a straight face and other times with a slight smile. Never with a wide grin as you'd see other guys do, who try to be the clown or something. I go straight into James Bond mode and leave (much of) the joking aside thereafter.

 

[Hector Papi Castillo]

Bump. I love your guys' responses.

 

[PatriotsRule]

Just generally with anyone, I like to ask "how's everything?" It gets me a much more elaborate response a lot of the time. A really nice guy I once worked with always used to ask "how's everything?" or he'd ask "how's everything, good?" and it was a very warm greeting that made me feel good and think much more deeply than just the traditional "how are you?" And if you feel funny asking "how's everything?" to someone you just met, the worst that could happen is just a simple "good" in response so i think it's low risk/high reward here. If you ask "how's everything?" very warmly then you can get some good responses that dig a little deeper and kick off a much better interaction, in my experience. (Works especially well with people you know already/are catching up with)

 

[JuLz_shining]

Wow, great thread! Tons of great comments lots to think about and I agree with you Ben; now that you mention it "how's everything" does get a better response, I'll try using it more. I'm glad I've finally decided to use the boards since I got it when it first opened-I had to re-register since I couldn't log in. I will definitely be aiming to be more present and contribute more now that I'm finishing off my last school project and can move on to finally studying Chase's mastery course I bought a couple years ago after wanting to give back for all the great article insights before the subscriptions.

 

[Dern]

Sometimes, when responding to guys, I'll say nothing and just give them props.

For girls, saying something that shows I know her well.

e.g., *to a girl that told you she got into teaching because of how much she loves kids*: "hey child lover!

And after she responds: "how goes spreading the knowledge?" (or whatever you want to talk about)

 

[BarryS1]

Guys,

Here's one for people who have been out of contact for awhile (like 6+ months). I noticed that people are polarized by interacting with those they lose contact with - engage in long conversation or ignore when passing by. This method assumes you want and have time to talk to the person. Here's the response:

"Hey, I don't know where to start!" (Then connect on something you remember the person by).

For example, I was at the gym and ran into my high school friend from 5 years ago. We used to partner up in the same pe class all the time.

Friend: Barry! Dude, how you doing man!

Me: Hey, I don't know where to star! Still trying to stay active huh? What sport you training for now?

 

[StoicMind]

Well I like to throw people off and take them out of auto pilot when it comes the this. My usual response when asked how I am is "I'm beautiful" guys will laugh it off and say something like "well that's awesome man." Girls will usually laugh and inquire or try to contest me and say " well then I'm gorgeous" and I'll say something like , "that you are but are you blah blah blah." Just changing your response has a big impact, I hate the fact that both people in these situation say good. Also something I do if I'm talking to a girl and she responds "oh I'm fine" I don't consider fine to be a good positive answer,so I'll do something like ballroom dance with her or something childish like tickle her and say, "how about now" she'll usually say I'm great or something. And of course if I know you very well our interaction will be different I.e. Hey how was blah blah blah last night, how'd getting raped by that test feel, etc.

 

[Troy]

This is a great topic I should say. I've been thinking about this a lot lately and it's something I have used a LOT and people use a lot on me. I usually hate and cringe these types of greetings even if someone wasn't directly asking me for example, a spokesperson is addressing us a group and they are asking "how are you" #cringe#. It makes me feel weird like I commuted some faux pas even if I didn't.

From my experience asking people this "how are you?" Question I can safely say it's not the best way to start a conversation. When I ask girls this, they usually look to the side then get nervous then squill out a "good" or a "all right" or a ",fine". You get the idea. I'm trying to figure out myself a better thing to say too, especially to acquaintances.


What I would like to add that I haven't seen anyone talk about so far is to keep in mind the advice in the article, "social styles as a tool in sales and seduction". Think of all the different people out there, the
Rich
Poor
White
Black
Middle class
Children
Teens
Thugs
Criminals
E t.c ...................



I strongly think that the how are you should be calibrated to different people. For example, I wouldn't say "how are you" to a thug/ghetto person; I would more say " yow no nigger" or as they say in my country " wah Gwann dawg" ( what's up friend) something like that while if I was talking to a uptown rich girl in say London, I might say, "Hello my lady, boneappate" (something like that I think, though I'm not sure if that's how it's said in London. Correct me please if you know what they say, but I think you get the point )


I haven't seen any articles on this topic explaining the differences between cultures right around the world. I think it's very crucial to speak the way everyone else does. Just look at how easily tourists are spotted out just by hearing their voices alone, even if they look the same as everyone else.

Troy