FR Meeting myself

[Thinkingenigma]

I met a girl on OKC, and we went to coffee last night. I learned quite a bit about framing from our online conversation that I plan to use in the future, When I arrived, I was a bit surprised to find that she looked quite a bit different than her pictures. I realized later that it was difficult to see her face in one pic, and her other pic was a group picture where I mis-identified which one she was. Kind of her fault, but something that could have been avoided had I been paying a bit closer attention. Anyway, we paid for our own drinks, and sat down. I was super chill and had the perfect vibe. She was nervous to the point of shaking. When I got to the table, she looked as if she was about to have a stroke. She then informed me that it was the fourth date that she had ever been on. By this point, I had decided that I wasn't going to do anything here, but it would probably be a good opportunity to practice some techniques that I had been working on. I guided the conversation, but basically let her talk the entire time, which wasn't difficult because she was too nervous to let there be any silence. When it was all said and done, I talked about 10% of the time. If I had wanted to, she would have been an easy lay, but I wasn't interested. She wasn't as cute as I thought she was going to be, she was super insecure, and frankly, a bit annoying. After about an hour and a half, I told her that I had to help a friend with homework, and left. She texted me about twenty minutes later.

_____________________________________________
Her: I'm sorry

Me: Why?

Her: It seems' I'm not your type and I embarrassed you... (this was a theme that she kept hitting on throughout the interaction, not completely sure where it came from. We started walking around the store and we both saw some people we knew, and I think she was a bit embarrassed of them, which might be a possibility)

Me: You aren't really my type, true, but that's ok. You didn't embarrass me, and I'm sure there are plenty of other guys that would be interested in you. Don't give up

Her: Sure...........
_____________________________________________

I felt really bad, and I'm not sure how I could have handled this differently to not hurt her feelings, so if you guys have any advice on how to do that, or how to tactfully leave a date if you aren't interested in continuing, that would be great.

What was interesting about this encounter was that I felt as if I was meeting a female version of myself as I was 2 years ago. Insecure, socially awkward, and incredibly inexperienced and nervous. I never realized how much of a turn off that was until tonight. I mean, I cognitively understood it, but I never saw it from the girl's perspective. I feel like this was the flipside of an experience I had at a modeling audition a few years ago. I and another girl were both auditioning, and I thought she was cute so I asked her for her number. Of course, as I was a socially awkward homeschooled nerd at the time, she shot me down hard. She straight up told me she thought I was super cute, but that I wasn't confident, and thus, not her type. I was crushed at the time, but now I realize that she was actually trying to help me. I feel like this was my chance to experience the same thing, but from the other side. All in all, although it didn't result in anything, last night was a valuable learning experience on multiple levels.

 

[almosteasy21]

This seems like a perfect opportunity for a rewarding friendship for both of you. She reminds you of you a couple years ago so then you can relate and maybe help her out.it could also serve as a reminder to the progress you have made in such a short period of time. Lastly she'll probably introduce you to the hottie you were first after.

 

[baftycrastard]

How old was she? You never tell a girl straight up you don't like her!!! You crushed the poor souls heart. Imagine how tough it feels when someone your genuinely interested in tells you they're not interested and multiply it by, I reckon a 1000, that's how bad she felt =(

 

[Whizzy]

Could have let her down a little more gently/worded the rejection differently. Do you plan on keeping contact with her at all?

 

[Thinkingenigma]

This seems like a perfect opportunity for a rewarding friendship for both of you. She reminds you of you a couple years ago so then you can relate and maybe help her out.it could also serve as a reminder to the progress you have made in such a short period of time. Lastly she'll probably introduce you to the hottie you were first after.

I don't have the emotional resources to do that. She goes to a different school, and I already am helping several other people with their issues, and It would drain me to take on any more. While it was probably good that I met her, I don't think a continuing friendship would be the right course of action here.

How old was she? You never tell a girl straight up you don't like her!!! You crushed the poor souls heart. Imagine how tough it feels when someone your genuinely interested in tells you they're not interested and multiply it by, I reckon a 1000, that's how bad she felt =(

She's my age. I honestly didn't know what to do in this situation. I've been on her side of the situation several times before, and it's always hurt more when the girl I'm interested in tried to let me down easy by being a bit vague about whether I still had a shot. Maybe it's different for girls, but I didn't want her to feel like she had a chance, and then get hurt even worse later. She's inexperienced enough (and obsessive enough) to where she would not have understood if I had been more vague, and would have continued to become emotionally invested.

Could have let her down a little more gently/worded the rejection differently. Do you plan on keeping contact with her at all?

I don't plan on keeping contact. I'm sure there's a way that I could have worded it differently, but I don't know what that would have been.

 

[Whizzy]

Since you don't plan on talking to her anymore it's not such a big deal. Just showing you're not interested with body language may be the easiest way of showing her your feelings without the need of putting it into words

 

[Thinkingenigma]

Since you don't plan on talking to her anymore it's not such a big deal. Just showing you're not interested with body language may be the easiest way of showing her your feelings without the need of putting it into words

Yeah, it's not that big of a deal with her, but I want to make sure that this doesn't happen again.

 

[PinotNoir]

I'm actually going to disagree with the others here and say that it wasn't that harsh and that you did fine.

If a girl straight up says "I'm not your type. (Do you like me?)", you're up a creek without a paddle. If you beat around the bush, you're leading her on. If you are honest, then you're harsh. If you are sympathetic, then you're pitying her.

You aren't really my type, true, but that's ok. You didn't embarrass me, and I'm sure there are plenty of other guys that would be interested in you. Don't give up

Saying "You didn't embarrass me" was good. However, the last sentence did feel like pity (even though that's not how you meant it, just trying to be nice).

It's a very hard line to walk, but I think you did okay.

 

[Rasta]

Hey there,

Your meeting reminded me of an interaction I had with this girl right before Christmas. She didn't turn out to be as cute as I thought, and she was so insecure it become draining and really annoying.

The way I handled it was by switching from sexual framing to friendly vibes. At the same time, I also made it very clear I wasn't interested in a relationship, so there was no boyfriend zone. It just went to friend-zone, which is right where I wanted it. I think the key here is to screen women ASAP. As soon as you see red flags, disengage.

I'm not sure how I would have answered that text, though...

 

[Whizzy]

Since he was planning on cutting contact with her, would just not responding have worked in this case?

 

[Garrett]

Thinkingenigma,

To be honest man, I think you handled things well. You picked up some valuable data points, and I disagree with the others about you being harsh. It wasn't as if you were rude to the girl, you were honest and sincere in your intentions the entire way through (based on how you described the date). One thing though, you said you were practicing some techniques. Although that's great, hopefully they weren't techniques that show her you like her (leaning in, touching, teasing, nonverbally showing you like her etc.). If you're a real cassanova, you may even be doing some of those things naturally without even being consciously aware of it. Just be careful of that so you don't hurt the girl!

Anyways, yeah you have to really screen out girls online. A lot of the times, there's a reason why they are online. This one girl I saw on PlentyofFish seemed pretty cute in her pictures, and in real life she wasn't bad, but she had more of a tomboy/masculine vibe that I wasn't really feeling. Like I would love a girl who could kick back and play video games, but this girl was like a butchy Asian girl, not my type!

One thing you could do is you could wait in your car before going inside wherever you two are meeting up. When you see her walk in, if she's cute or she looks similar to how she portrayed herself online, go in after her shortly after, but if she's not, just drive off. Some may think this is a dick move, but if she's putting up fake pictures of herself, then why should you be honest, play along, and waste your valuable time? For me, the fact that she's being dishonest about herself from the start is a massive red flag! You're a dominant man, you should do what you want, without being a dick and hurting people's feelings. If you saw her walk in and you weren't all that impressed, you could text her saying something came up (flake), and cut her off quick. I'd even be tempted to send her a message along the lines of, "At least if you're going to try online dating be honest with your profile next time." I know that sounds kind of mean/hurtful, but at the same time, it's for her own good. If she posts fake pictures, then how can she expect to find someone who is genuinely interested and takes her seriously via the online route? That one may be a bit controversial, and I'd opt to just flake personally. Not good business getting people hating you, even if you don't know them online; however, you could word it better. Anyways, I digress, but you get the point!

In another post, Franco also mentioned some solid screening tips for online dating, have a look at those and you'll be well on your way to finding higher quality girls online. It's better to meet them on the street so you know what you're getting, but having a profile on the side while trying to improve your game is a viable option!

Hope this helped,
Garrett

 

[The Tool]

Ah yes, We all have those dates that do not go so well. Luckily it was an excellent learning experience. Garrett pretty much gave all the key points but I just want to reinforce some things.

It is incredible when you are knee deep in self improvement and you come across someone/something that reminds you of your past self and how far you have come. Now you have experienced how im sure a majority of attractive women or women in general feel on a date with a man thats not so confident/needy.

As for how you let her down. Because you are cutting contact the way you did it was perfect, Yes it hurt her to the core but it did not leave her wondering, "does he like me?" "Will her meet me again" "should I contact him again" Now she knows without a doubt no. She can move on, and find ways to improve herself and get that confidance up. Who knows this could have been the final blow that gets her to find a site like thisor anything that can help her with to improve herself and her self image. Women and Men seem to think that the key to happiness is in relationships and although those can make you at times the happiest you have ever been. But as Chase pointed out in a Blog post -Relationships lead to temporary happiness and we must find true/longerlasting happiness through other portals in life. And one of those especially is striving towards goals and self improvement. It is said that striving towards goals brings more happiness then actually obtaining them 0.o Which I find to be in essence true, The thought of having something is greater than when you actually have it because once you have it. You want more.---I've kind of droned on a bit past the subject but I think it was some key points.

Anyway Excellent post my friend.

Cheers, The Tool

 

[Rasta]

Great posts, Garrett and Tool. Couldn't agree with you more.

 

[Garrett]

Great posts, Garrett and Tool. Couldn't agree with you more.

Thanks Rasta, appreciate the feedback . Also, Tool, thanks for adding to my comment, I've noticed your responses are improving, kudos my friend!

As for anyone who believes this girl qualifies as a good friend to keep around... I'm not so sure. Thinkingenigma, you know her better than we do, but realistically, based on the fact that she's so nervous and insecure, one can only assume she doesn't have a whole hell of a lot going for her, unless you tend to have that mesmerizing affect on women . Jokes aside, unless she offers you something of benefit (gets you into parties, great for conversation, etc.) then drop her. Your time would be better spent elsewhere!

Garrett

 

[Thinkingenigma]

Great posts, Garrett and Tool. Couldn't agree with you more.

Thanks Rasta, appreciate the feedback . Also, Tool, thanks for adding to my comment, I've noticed your responses are improving, kudos my friend!

As for anyone who believes this girl qualifies as a good friend to keep around... I'm not so sure. Thinkingenigma, you know her better than we do, but realistically, based on the fact that she's so nervous and insecure, one can only assume she doesn't have a whole hell of a lot going for her, unless you tend to have that mesmerizing affect on women . Jokes aside, unless she offers you something of benefit (gets you into parties, great for conversation, etc.) then drop her. Your time would be better spent elsewhere!

Garrett

Yeah, That's the conclusion I came to as well. While we share plenty of interests, I have lots of other friends who already fill that role without being needy and insecure. Thank you guys for the advice.

 

[stratvm]

I met a girl on OKC, and we went to coffee last night. I learned quite a bit about framing from our online conversation that I plan to use in the future, When I arrived, I was a bit surprised to find that she looked quite a bit different than her pictures.

- Webcam chat through skype helped me A LOT in weeding out the girls when i was looking for my gal, very efficient and saves a lot of time (timewasters, fake/misleading profiles)
- photos are always misleading.
- be careful, most of the time women look whiter on webcam than in reality
- but what i noticed is that in real life they always look better than on the cam so if you like each other on cam i think IRL would be even better.
- as a sidenote if you have $$$ use sugar dating sites, extremely effective