Moving Fast...In Social Circle?

[NotJamesBond]

Hey guys. I have a date Friday with this girl I know from a group we go to. I've known her for around a year. However, I've been kind of getting mixed signals. I'm into her so figured, now or ever. I find myself thinking now, though, because it was social circle, isn't it inherently slow and as a result should have played it slower to get to know her better, let it kind of breathe? Two of my female friends said she was into me based on how she texted. Did I pull the trigger too soon? I pulled it pretty quickly upon reconnecting with her. I feel like I should have let it happen more "naturally" though...She's 19, I'm 23. She's only had 1 or 2 boyfriends as far as I'm aware. I can send the full text convo if that will help, it isn't that long.

I figured, I have her number, so I may as well use it. I asked her today (saw her in-person unexpectedly) if we're still on for Friday and she said yeah. However, a couple nights before, when I texted her logistics (I'll swing by at 3:30, sound good?) she never responded. She didn't respond after a short conversation to a rapport-building text too, later in the conversation (I asked her about a few things). I did not consider this until now but maybe I shouldn't have went for it since she didn't respond...I also feel like she'd take a date pretty seriously.

I am concerned, even though she knows it is a date, that she will just jerk me around by being too polite. Maybe I'm overthinking it...Maybe it's as simple as all you need is interest in the other person...The vibe is just off! There is also the possibility that her signs are just subtle. I thought they were obvious before but damn...Then again, maybe the answer is just to be persistent in the face of this uncertainty, where so many men find themselves and give up.

The girl a couple dames ago did the same thing and she ended up really liking me after all. Women...Would anyone be willing to help sort this out with me?

NJB

 

[readjusting]

I suggest waiting a few days, no text.
Then just go with a “hey, how are you doing?” And going from there.
This is good because you ignore her ignoring you.

 

[lostnumber]

Here is my recommended process: go out with this girl, deep dive, have a great interaction, get her to move with you some place you've prechosen that will be private, and try to kiss her.

Do this no matter what signals you think you are getting from her. Do this no matter what she says, or how she is reacting. Judge the success of your date by whether she kisses you or not and ignore everything else

You are clearly newer to this, and its easy to get distracted or overthink things at this stage. Your mind is not your friend in this case.

When you are new you simply dont have the datapoints or calibration to properly read other people, and you are going to drive yourself crazy and appear weak and indecisive if you try. If at any point in a seduction you are unsure if the girl is into you or what you should do next, the answer is to move things forwardNot sure if a girl will go on a date with you? Ask her and find out. Not sure if you can get a girl to open up about her family? Try asking and find out. Not sure if a girl will kiss you? Try it and see where it goes.

You'll be surprised at how much more often you have success than you would have thought. And when you do fail, it will give you another data point to reference.

Social circle is more messy and complicated then meeting new girls for the first time, its true. And sometimes you may want to handle things slower and more delicately because of potential social repercussions. But that is more of a concern for guys like me that escalate quickly and naturally and are trying to sleep with girls on the first date.

I actually had the problem of being too aggressive when I started and have had to calibrate that back. Based on your posts so far I think you have the opposite problem of moving too slow, which is far more common.

I would set your goal to moving this girl somewhere and kissing her. Thats safe enough and isn't going to ruin your life or get you arrested if she says no.

 

[NotJamesBond]

Much appreciated, guys.

Too slow, eh? No kidding. I thought I was going too fast! I feel like I should have let it breathe a little more and talk to her a few times in the group setting but that's out the window.

I unexpectedly saw her Sunday night. I clarified if we're still on for Friday and she said "umm...yeah!". I couldn't tell if this was a shy/nervous due to excitement tone, or an "I don't know how I feel about him" tone. I guess there's one way to find out.

I walked her to her friend's dorm and she asked if I wanted to hang with them (I know her friend and her friend's boyfriend, we're all basically in the same circle). I said nah thats okay, you guys have fun. Before I could do much of anything she initiated a hug. I was sort of dumbfounded for a second and honestly I let the uncertainty of the whole thing kind of nag at my confidence so I wasn't at my best in the short interaction we had. I also hugged her kind of in a friendly way...But I'll sort that out next time. Is it significant if she initiated?

NJB

 

[lostnumber]

NotJamesBond,

Look at all of your interactions with this girl through the frame of her being interested. She might be, she might not be. You aren't saavy enough to be able to judge that at this point. Even for guys who have been doing this for a long time it can sometimes be hard to understand a girls interest level. So act like she is interested, and if she isn't you'll find out when you try to move her and/or kiss her. Otherwise you are going to stand around with your hands in your pockets trying to crack the code while she gets bored and moves on with someone else. She agreed to a date, didnt she? Imagine you'd kept on hemming and hawing and trying to analyze how much she liked you instead of just ASKING. Now you know she is willing to go on a date with you at least.

"She hugged me first, but then she was only kinda sortta into our conversation. She texted me back in 2.34 hours this times instead of 1.36! Today she made eye contact with me in the hallway but then kept walking with her friends instead of saying hi " You are going to drive yourself crazy thinking like this. SOME of this stuff does undoubtedly have meaning. But I can tell you right now that 90% is normal social noise, and you aren't anywhere near being able to tell which 90% it is.

Ignore it all, develop a gameplan for what you are going to do, and attempt to execute it. Then look at your results and try to fit them in with the pattern of this girls behavior

Think of it this way-- right now you are trying to analyze an experiment without knowing its outcome. All of the social cues you are so confused by will take on a dramatically different meaning depending on whether you end up with this girl or not.

I have some thoughts on what you have done so far, but I think it will be more productive to share them after you've had your date and told us how it goes. I want you going in as a blank slate without any preconceived notions from me

 

[NotJamesBond]

Thanks lostnumber, good stuff. I'll report back in this thread after the date Friday!

God speed.
NJB

 

[NotJamesBond]

UPDATE: So she actually cancelled the date! Kind of saw this coming, vibe was all off.
"I actually can't because my mom wants me to go home this weekend so I'm leaving here around that time! I'm sorry!"
(she lives on-campus)
So, lostnumber, what did you want to say before? She invited me to hang with her friend and her friend's boyfriend (again, I know both of them because we're all in this group at school) in their dorm Sunday night. My buddy said she did this because she might have been intimidated because I'm a bit older than her (four years) and she wanted more time to get to know me easier.

Feedback/criticism is obviously welcomed.