Moving from a good conversation to a date.

[FieryVegetableMarlin]

Sitting at her laptop in the lobby below the lab. I was eating a chocolate and looked at her and
smiled. She smiled back. I asked her what's she doing here sitting alone in the lobby, and she said
she is working on some homework for a class. She was a student of behavioural psychology and wanted
to work for people facing mental difficulties with their family life. She was smiling broadly when
I approached her.

I was standing the whole time while she was sitting. She said she is from Alaska, and since I've
never met someone from there before I asked her to pull up the location of her home town. She obliged,
and then we had a brief chat about winter sports. She was here for the university and because her
sister lived here. She was quite close to her family in the city and liked going out to restaurants
with them. Said she liked milkshake the best. I said I liked that too and we spoke about that for sometime.

I asked her if she would like to grab a milkshake sometime, which she happily said yes to. I had forgotten
my phone in my room so I asked her to take her phone out and send me a text in front of me so that we could stay
in touch. I later texted her, but her reply was "I'm not looking for a relationship or anything like that, but I
appreciate you talking to me."

My question : what went wrong here? She seemed to be all smiles and into the conversation for a good length
of time. Thought she would come along, but no!


The compliance pings seemed to working nicely initially. She also seemed to be quite into
the conversation pretty fast given the way she was responding. Given that she had travelled
from Alaska and was quite open to conversation, she seems like someone who is dominant
in arousal. I did not make any physical contact with her though. Might this be a reason
for rejection?

 

[West_Indian_Archie]

I asked her if she would like to grab a milkshake sometime, which she happily said yes to. I had forgotten
my phone in my room so I asked her to take her phone out and send me a text in front of me so that we could stay
in touch. I later texted her, but her reply was "I'm not looking for a relationship or anything like that, but I
appreciate you talking to me."

My question : what went wrong here? She seemed to be all smiles and into the conversation for a good length
of time. Thought she would come along, but no!

Sounds like there was some physical attraction before you spoke. All the nonverbal stuff seems to indicate that.

Rather than lean in on the attraction stuff, you assumed attraction and went straight into "getting to know you"/comfort building stuff. Skipped over compliance testing, qualification, flirting, nonverbal flirts, creating tension, and the whole attraction tool box.

Getting the phone # was fine (although a vague future promise of a date/hang out is just bad form generally speaking), but she realized that it would be a date or some kind.

So overall, there's no game here, you were just a normal friendly guy, starting a chat, asking for a future date, to which she declined later on. Her "helpful note" is basically saying she appreciated the attention, but you're a nice guy.

If you don't want to actually do proper PUA, I suggest you just polarize the girl ala Mark Manson. Say something honest to the chick, and see how she reacts. If she's cool with it - you'll get attraction sparks, but also meet someone you can be honest with.

WIA

 

[FieryVegetableMarlin]

Thank you very much. This is useful advice. Somehow these tools of attraction toolbox eluded. I'll get back to the courses from Chase and try to change my approach based on your feedback.

 

[Fuck This]

She didn't REJECT you. Going on dates , and or having casual sex is not a relationship. A lot of people think you have to have a relationship to do these things, but you don't.

My response.... "I'm not looking for a girlfriend either. I really had fun talking to you the other night. I'm going to go down to Slim Jims Slurp and Burp Friday night. you are welcome to join me..."

 

[West_Indian_Archie]

Thank you very much. This is useful advice. Somehow these tools of attraction toolbox eluded. I'll get back to the courses from Chase and try to change my approach based on your feedback.

You're off to a good start, IMO.

Most rookies don't take obvious signs coming from women to chat them up. (AIs, approach invitations)

Getting a couple dozen of these "normal" approaches under your belt is actually important to your overall game in the long run.

You're seeing how girls respond to you naturally, without any technique used. You can get positive responses from relating to a girl, but that doesn't necessarily translate into passion. (Incidentally, just making yourself more externally attractive and talking to more girls should get more results, even if your actual game doesn't get better. Most guys, even back in the day, were not trying to cold approach)

That said, a key thing that I found learning this way back when is that you have to look at the situation differently.

While you're talking to the girl, you have to take yourself out of the situation at the beginning (which makes things actually go worse, because you're not "present") in order to understand what's happening.

So that means pausing. That means making eye contact. That means thinking. Then it means responding/taking action.

On the one side, being purposeful about how you act is attractive. It's not necessarily panting dropping attractive in the first 3 minutes, but it's a deeply attractive behavioral trait. The more women see men have this approach towards everything AND being successful - the more "powerful" you appear.

On the other side

1) The thing you do next might be "wrong" (she might be turned off, she might withdraw, she might pull away)
2) Then, in the moment, You're gonna obsess about making the "wrong" move, (wrong thing, wrong time, wrong delivery, wrong person)
3) Obsessing about the error in the moment, will make everything that comes later go down hill.

You've got to be able to forgive yourself and keep moving. Easy to say, hard to do.

So it's a lot of growing pains as you work on each part of the puzzle.

Eventually you'll be on autopilot, but right now you are learning to ride a bike/drive the car.

WIA

 

[Just a Man]

She didn't REJECT you. Going on dates , and or having casual sex is not a relationship. A lot of people think you have to have a relationship to do these things, but you don't.

My response.... "I'm not looking for a girlfriend either. I really had fun talking to you the other night. I'm going to go down to Slim Jims Slurp and Burp Friday night. you are welcome to join me..."

Agree with this. Her phrase - "I'm not looking for a relationship or anything like that, but I appreciate you talking to me" - could as easily mean that she'd be DTF in the right circumstances. Well worth trying to move it forward and that's a calibrated way to do it.