FR Moving to the dance floor

[FavourTheBold]

This one happened a couple of weeks ago but I still didn't figure out what happened.

At a bar/club, saw a girl looking around, so I opened. Introduced myself. Looks like my korean ex, I tell her she is korean, she seems slightly impressed.

Chatted for a while, asked her to come to the bar. She says she can't leave her friend. I ask her friend if I can borrow her for just a moment. Her friend smiles and says 'I'll come!'.

So I didn't really want to be the guy buying them drinks, but knew I needed to begin moving the girl, and that was what came to mind. So now I have them both at the bar.

Her friend has a smirnoff ice which is almost full. So I think that I'll just get the girl a drink since the friend already has one. I fumble it and it ends up looking like I refused to buy her friend a drink because she's not the one I like. (She suggested I buy shots since she had a drink, I'm don't want to be drinking that much, or spending that much and looking like I'm chasing, so I didn't get the shots). My girl feels bad for her friend and says she will share her drink with her. Girl seems to be still cool with me.

I move them to sit down, the friend sits between me and the girl and starts asking me the very boring interview questions. I get visibly bored and a slightly short in my answers, the girl is getting bored too as she is not in the conversation. The friend excuses herself for the bathroom and doesn't come back, she goes and finds their other friends in the club somewhere.

Chat with the girl for a while, asks why I broke up with my ex, tell her because of religion, I ask if she is religious, she says no, I say 'thank god'. I think I showed I am (too) interested by saying that.

She asks me how old I am, I am 29, she is 20. We talk about age differences and agree that a guy should be at least 5 years older than the girl, she also says she her friends are older than her and usually hangs out with people older than herself. I also get her number.

All seems to be going well. Then she says she is going to the dance floor, to find her friends. I simply say 'ok'. Then she says 'You want to dance?', I say 'sure'.

So now I'm in the position where I am following her to the dance floor. She can't find her friends, so we end up walking around the edges of the dance floor. So here I can either just tell her I'm leaving or continue to help her look for her friends, while following her around. I figure one might look like chasing, and one will look like I'm rejecting her, so I decide to stick around and see what happens.

We find her friends, she immediately moves to the other side of her group of friends and sort of leaves me on the outside. Not sure what that means so I dance in the area, after a short time I maneuver around to her and introduces me to her friends. I don't know what I'm meant to be doing, so I dance with her and her friends. She mostly ignores me and leans over onto the stage facing the band. I get emotionally charged and feel like controlling her. I ask her to come with me to get a drink, she says she wants to stay with her friends. I say I'm going to get a drink, she says 'Ok have fun!'.

I run into her at the end of the night, I say we should get a coffee, she tells me she has a boyfriend and shows me a pic of her with a guy on the background of her phone.


Questions:
Apart from the fact that I was too emotionally invested, I'm not really sure where I lost it with this girl. Weather at the dance-floor or if I had already missed an escalation window or something. Any thoughts?

 

[Chase]

Bold-

Good work on the opening. You're generally going to want to up the number of women you're meeting while out to get better warmed up and get more practice in to sharpen your skills more - can't tell if you just talked to this girl or if she's the only one you're highlighting, but see if you can do more.

On where you lost this one:

At a bar/club, saw a girl looking around, so I opened. Introduced myself. Looks like my korean ex, I tell her she is korean, she seems slightly impressed.

Good so far.

Chatted for a while, asked her to come to the bar. She says she can't leave her friend. I ask her friend if I can borrow her for just a moment. Her friend smiles and says 'I'll come!'.

First mistake. Here you either want to tell her, "Well, I'm going to go grab a drink at the bar - come join me when you get the chance if you like," and then if she approaches, later, she's chasing you, and if not, well, she wasn't all that interested... OR you can tell her, "Come for five minutes - your friend's a big girl, I think she'll be okay."

By including the friend here (whom you haven't met or made a connection with yet, so far as I can tell), you've expanded this one from potentially a seductive / romantic interaction into probably a platonic / friendly one, or at best one where you're now being vetted by the friend for boyfriend candidacy or bust.

So I didn't really want to be the guy buying them drinks, but knew I needed to begin moving the girl, and that was what came to mind. So now I have them both at the bar.

Her friend has a smirnoff ice which is almost full. So I think that I'll just get the girl a drink since the friend already has one. I fumble it and it ends up looking like I refused to buy her friend a drink because she's not the one I like. (She suggested I buy shots since she had a drink, I'm don't want to be drinking that much, or spending that much and looking like I'm chasing, so I didn't get the shots). My girl feels bad for her friend and says she will share her drink with her. Girl seems to be still cool with me.

It's generally not advised to be buying girls drinks who are only showing you lukewarm levels of interest, but IF you're going to do it, go all out and be into it and be the super gracious guy who's not being cheap or reluctant but who is practically forcing drinks on the girls - that way, when they're accepting them, you're the fun party guy (wins you points with the friend, and she's more likely to give her your stamp of approval), and it's actually compliance on their parts, rather than supplication on yours. e.g., "Shots on me! What are you girls having? [give them a moment to deliberate] Okay, I'll decide then! Give us three melonballs, please! Ladies, drink up!"

I move them to sit down, the friend sits between me and the girl and starts asking me the very boring interview questions. I get visibly bored and a slightly short in my answers, the girl is getting bored too as she is not in the conversation. The friend excuses herself for the bathroom and doesn't come back, she goes and finds their other friends in the club somewhere.

Again, she's vetting you. In this case, she at least found you to be okay enough to talk to her friend, and didn't try to rip her away from you - good sign if she leaves you and the girl alone. Usually girls are looking for either "harmless" or "very sexy" guys for their friends, or else guys their friends clearly like a lot. It sounds (from the boring questions part) like you probably fell more on the "harmless" side of the equation, but this isn't necessarily bad - it's fine to be harmless with the friends, and a tiger with the girl herself.

Chat with the girl for a while, asks why I broke up with my ex, tell her because of religion, I ask if she is religious, she says no, I say 'thank god'. I think I showed I am (too) interested by saying that.

The fact that you mention having a relationship with another girl just like her sets you up as a boyfriend candidate, which means she's a lot more likely to act coy and you're going to have a lot more chasing to do. Tempting as it might be to tell her this, you're better off just noting that some of your close friends are Korean, then allude to them being female.

She asks me how old I am, I am 29, she is 20. We talk about age differences and agree that a guy should be at least 5 years older than the girl, she also says she her friends are older than her and usually hangs out with people older than herself.

Again, you're discussing relationship stuff - talking about what age the guy "should" be is talking about what age her PARTNER should be. For hooking up in nightclubs, this is irrelevant.

I also get her number.

After setting a solid boyfriend frame and getting a number, that usually signals the end of the interaction.

Also, in the future, when getting a phone number, make ABSOLUTELY certain that you're setting up a date FIRST before you ask for the number... otherwise, your conversion to a date is usually going to be quite low, and you're going to have a lot more legwork to do just to get that lower percentage.

All seems to be going well. Then she says she is going to the dance floor, to find her friends. I simply say 'ok'. Then she says 'You want to dance?', I say 'sure'.

It's no good to follow girls - this is one you'll learn from experience (unless she's basically begging you to go with you and promising you it's leading somewhere, you want to say "no" here). Your options are, "I'm probably going to chill here a little bit, but come find me when you've had your fill of dancing," or, "Your friends are okay I think - come with me to the patio for a minute."

We find her friends, she immediately moves to the other side of her group of friends and sort of leaves me on the outside.

That's an "Okay, you've been following me around too long and not doing anything and you don't get it, so I'm just going to get away from you and hopefully you'll leave" move.

Not sure what that means so I dance in the area, after a short time I maneuver around to her and introduces me to her friends.

This is what she does when she does NOT want to give you the idea that this is a social or romantic interaction, so she expands your interaction to more people to turn it into a social one (and hopes that you get sucked into talking to one of her friends and leave her alone, or that you feel uncomfortable and leave).

I get emotionally charged and feel like controlling her.

That's jealousy from thinking you had, her then watching your efforts not pan out.

I run into her at the end of the night, I say we should get a coffee

You want to say this before you ever get her contact information, so that you're not scrambling to do it later... and ESPECIALLY not be trying to do it on a low point after she's more or less already rejected you (get the date and contact information on a HIGH point, then get out and don't see her again until you're in control of the situation).

she tells me she has a boyfriend and shows me a pic of her with a guy on the background of her phone.

Maybe true, maybe not, but largely irrelevant at this point, as she's already made up her mind about you.

So, main problems here:

• Asking the friend if you can borrow her when you haven't much bonded with her or the friend
• Haltingly buying a drink for just one girl, instead of either not buying any drinks, or buying BOTH drinks and telling them to drink up excitedly
• Pulling both girls to sit down instead of winning over your girl at the bar first and sitting down with only her
• Talking about your ex-girlfriend, about why you broke up, and about what age ranges are suitable for partners in a relationship
• Getting a phone number without asking for a date first
• Not ending on a high point after you got the contact information and following up later to schedule the date
• Following her to the dance floor
• Hanging around awkwardly on the dance floor / with her friends
• Getting jealous when she'd already quit responding to you and making last ditch efforts to try to salvage things
• Asking for the date too late / too much chasing after she'd already long since lost interest

You're probably a likable-enough guy for the friend to leave her alone with you despite boring answers and some awkwardly-handled earlier moments, and for her to invite you to the dance floor in spite of these things, and likability is one thing that's very hard to learn when you haven't got it, so you have a strong advantage there. Your main issue is simple lack of experience meeting women and knowing the right things to do in various situations - you just need to do more approaching, more interacting, and have more experiences like this where you take things as far as you can take them and then sit down and analyze what went wrong after and what you can do differently next time.

Cheers,
Chase