- Joined
- May 2, 2023
- Messages
- 6
So a bit about myself. I'm in my mid-twenties, never been with a girl, not even a kiss. The other aspects of my life are also suffering, I went back to uni after wasting so much time in dumb ways. I'm too skinny, and broke living with my parents.
During my teen years I get signs of interest from girls, letters, sending their friends to confess, or they come flat out tell me they're interested in me. I've always turned them down, sometimes because I'm not interested but also because I fear that if they get with me they'll discover that I'm not all that great and I'll be sure that I'm not (my shtick was and still to a certain degree is being the mysterious guy, first out of shyness then because I didn't develop my social skills I suspect). That left me craving intimacy but enable to get it, and the problem is I have no one to blame but myself and the decision I make each time it comes to it.
My desperation bleeds into my body language, so in a closed environment like school for example, and by seeing the signs of interest girls throw at me, it get into my head and before I know it I'm thinking about them. Even if at first I'm not interested one bit. The familiarity that I gain also help I suspect, but the problem is that it's one sided and in my head.
So in the beginning I'm not that interested/not familiar enough with her to approach, later it switched to me being anxious near her and it gets worst as the time goes by -- each time I see her and I don't approach I beat myself up, and my body language shows that I'm interested but I'm not talking to her so clearly I'm afraid. Now I'm trapped, if I don't approach I feel like crap each time and if I do I'll be so anxious that it'll be obvious that all that not interested mysterious guy play was just a facade.
For long I tried to focus on sorting my life out first, didn't work out -- it leaves me with bunch of emotions that I need to consistently distract myself, not able to focus on anything long term.
Now that I'm back to uni (more like a 200 private school in a small building) I tried to do a 180 and try to talk to everyone, Didn't quit work as I couldn't relate to the guys (and it did show apparently as they were trying to AMOG me like crazy) and was not that interested in the girls for it to override my fore-mentioned habit and make me act out of lust lets say. Fast-forward to now I'm talking to 2-3 guys on the regular that I find tolerable, girls from my classroom only if I spike my state mainly for self-amusement but for them I suspect that I come across as uncalibrated and out of the blue. Like one time a girl that is in auto-rejection and became disrespectful so I went on about how I'm in love with a girl in front of her friends and she went with it but I could see she didn't like it.
I don't get after what I want so I look to get my fix from social interactions with people I'm not interested in and I imagine that I come as needy and inauthentic.
Now again I'm in the same situation with a girl from my school. Although now she stopped showing interest blatantly and is not as present around me as she used to be. A friend that I talked to about her says that that she keeps looking when I'm turning my face away from her. Either she lost interest or she's trying another strategy? In both cases my chances went down and feeling too anxious to approach her as smoothly as I wish.
As it's only 1 week of exams before the end of the school year, today I went to cold approach for 1 hour before class, I wanted to shock myself out of this state, so I decided either I approach or I have to smoke a cigarette (I have a mild respiratory condition so I thought that I'll be enough push for me), I ended up smoking but after that I approached a group of 2 girls and asked for the time, and another one she misheard me and we laughed it out. I had a realization that people on the street are only a "Hey.." away to going from complete strangers to building some familiarity (I know it cognitively, but now it clicked on an other level).
That put me in the zone but as soon as I met the girl all went down the drain.
I don't know really where to go from here or what to ask, apologies for brain dumping as I put off writing on here for quit sometime using "me wanting to figure it out on my own or at least describing the problem perfectly" as a excuse to procrastinate.
During my teen years I get signs of interest from girls, letters, sending their friends to confess, or they come flat out tell me they're interested in me. I've always turned them down, sometimes because I'm not interested but also because I fear that if they get with me they'll discover that I'm not all that great and I'll be sure that I'm not (my shtick was and still to a certain degree is being the mysterious guy, first out of shyness then because I didn't develop my social skills I suspect). That left me craving intimacy but enable to get it, and the problem is I have no one to blame but myself and the decision I make each time it comes to it.
My desperation bleeds into my body language, so in a closed environment like school for example, and by seeing the signs of interest girls throw at me, it get into my head and before I know it I'm thinking about them. Even if at first I'm not interested one bit. The familiarity that I gain also help I suspect, but the problem is that it's one sided and in my head.
So in the beginning I'm not that interested/not familiar enough with her to approach, later it switched to me being anxious near her and it gets worst as the time goes by -- each time I see her and I don't approach I beat myself up, and my body language shows that I'm interested but I'm not talking to her so clearly I'm afraid. Now I'm trapped, if I don't approach I feel like crap each time and if I do I'll be so anxious that it'll be obvious that all that not interested mysterious guy play was just a facade.
For long I tried to focus on sorting my life out first, didn't work out -- it leaves me with bunch of emotions that I need to consistently distract myself, not able to focus on anything long term.
Now that I'm back to uni (more like a 200 private school in a small building) I tried to do a 180 and try to talk to everyone, Didn't quit work as I couldn't relate to the guys (and it did show apparently as they were trying to AMOG me like crazy) and was not that interested in the girls for it to override my fore-mentioned habit and make me act out of lust lets say. Fast-forward to now I'm talking to 2-3 guys on the regular that I find tolerable, girls from my classroom only if I spike my state mainly for self-amusement but for them I suspect that I come across as uncalibrated and out of the blue. Like one time a girl that is in auto-rejection and became disrespectful so I went on about how I'm in love with a girl in front of her friends and she went with it but I could see she didn't like it.
I don't get after what I want so I look to get my fix from social interactions with people I'm not interested in and I imagine that I come as needy and inauthentic.
Now again I'm in the same situation with a girl from my school. Although now she stopped showing interest blatantly and is not as present around me as she used to be. A friend that I talked to about her says that that she keeps looking when I'm turning my face away from her. Either she lost interest or she's trying another strategy? In both cases my chances went down and feeling too anxious to approach her as smoothly as I wish.
As it's only 1 week of exams before the end of the school year, today I went to cold approach for 1 hour before class, I wanted to shock myself out of this state, so I decided either I approach or I have to smoke a cigarette (I have a mild respiratory condition so I thought that I'll be enough push for me), I ended up smoking but after that I approached a group of 2 girls and asked for the time, and another one she misheard me and we laughed it out. I had a realization that people on the street are only a "Hey.." away to going from complete strangers to building some familiarity (I know it cognitively, but now it clicked on an other level).
That put me in the zone but as soon as I met the girl all went down the drain.
I don't know really where to go from here or what to ask, apologies for brain dumping as I put off writing on here for quit sometime using "me wanting to figure it out on my own or at least describing the problem perfectly" as a excuse to procrastinate.
