So I am new to GC, having discovered the website a little over a week ago. I came to the internet to find advice on how to develop a relationship with a girl who works in the same office as me and ended up here. I have reached an impasse and really need help on how to recover with her, if it is even possible. This is a long post because this is a somewhat convoluted tale.
To give a little background, I am early 40s and the girl that I have, unfortunately been chasing is in her early 30s. I am currently married but am separated from my wife and going through a divorce. I have worked with the girl in question for about 2½ years (I know, don’t shit where you work). We started off as causal friends and co-workers more than anything. She broke up with her boyfriend of 2½ years about 4 or 5 months ago and since that time we have grown a lot closer. I find myself extremely attracted to her both in a physical sense and to her personality.
There was definite interest from her before she found out about my marriage woes (which have been going on for a number of years and are not related to her). She was flirty and there was a lot of playful banter for three of the last four months. She also sought out ways to spend time with me either at work or during lunch. If I blew her off at lunch, she would get another friend ask me to go to lunch with them. It was clear she wanted to spend time around me and hang out. She even commented about texting me and not wanting to get me in trouble with my wife, and I told her to text me whenever she wanted. For about two months we would text practically every day, with her initiating the texting about 5 days out of 7. Some days the texting would be minimal, but most days, and especially on weekends, it would be very extensive. Looking back on this and after reading some of the articles on GC, I realize now that my level of interest and the amount of time I was devoting to communicating with her was a mistake.
Whenever we were out at lunch, either alone or with friends, there was a lot of friendly banter and teasing. I also got a lot of smiles where she “smiled with her eyes” as they say. It was clear that she enjoyed spending time with me. She never was super physical, maybe because we were usually around each other at work, but she did find some excuses to touch me – hugs, hand on arm, etc. She also would do things for me that she was not required to do and would offer to buy me lunch on occasion.
Things kinds of fell apart about four weeks ago. I was having a bad week at work and an even worse week at home. She told me I was acting weird around her, which I probably was because I was so invested in things and starting to become an idiot around her. I told her she was nitpicking everything I did and said, which she was because she was not getting the attention she was used to. We had a super awkward lunch one day with a friend and had a clear the air conversation after that. I assumed things were better after that but she really chilled things with the texting, only doing it enough to be polite and started avoiding spending time alone with me at lunch. Eventually I went to ask her what the deal was because she was still acting very distant from me. She said something about one of her male friends (a former boyfriend to boot) had commented on how much she and I were texting and whether it was appropriate or not. She did a lot of talking around in circles and I do not know if I ever go the truth and I was sick of the bullshit so I politely ended the conversation and have not brought it up since.
And I started ignoring her at work too. I purposefully stopped going by her office, or calling her, or sending her emails unless I absolutely had to and then it was all business. She kept telling me I still had a problem because I would be at work almost all day and not communicate with her. I would respond that things were fine on my end, I had been busy, and if she wanted to talk to me, my door swings both ways. I also told her that I got her message that she needed me to chill things and I was fine with that. She said I was awful dense for being such a smart guy. She also called me a douchbag and repeatedly told me she hated me and how mean I was. The middle of last week, she started reaching out to me at work more and discussing non-work related topics. I think the ignoring her for the most part was working.
Last week was her birthday and I got her a couple of small gifts (before things became a shit show). I decided to give them and left them on her desk. She must have come straight to my office after she opened them. I was in another co-worker’s office and when she did not find me, she emailed me and then two minutes later texted me to ask where I was. When I got back to my office I emailed her and she was in my office in 30 seconds. I could tell she was pleased by the presents and was profusely thanking me. The office had a pizza lunch for all of the workers that same day and she came to my office to ask me to walk down with her. She had not done something like that in several weeks. A co-worker also had birthday cake for her and she called me and asked me to walk down to have cake with her, so she wouldn’t “have to walk down there alone.”
The day before her b-day she had told me she was coming in early, which is not something she is normally capable of. I told her as much and she agreed to make a wager of my choosing. I told her that if she came in by the appointed time, I would buy her a drink after work and if she didn’t she could buy me a drink after work. It was obvious by the way she was blushing and smiling that she was pleased I had suggested drinks. Of course, she got to work on time and I lost the bet. She tried to flak on me for a decent reason and I squashed her excuse and we ended up going. She also tried to get a co-worker to go but he could not which was great for me. She told me she had to leave by a certain time but ended up staying about 45 minutes later. I decided to end the outing at that point by telling her I had things to do and needed to go. I deep dived as much as possible and let her do most of the talking. I did not have much of a chance to do any real framing. She asked about my marriage and I told her I was separated. I had not told her this previously and she was clearly surprised by the news.
I sent her a text about three hours after the “date” thanking her for hanging out and telling her I had a good time. She said she had a good time too and told me she was sorry I was going through so much crap (with my marriage) and she guessed things would work out. She also thanked me for helping make her birthday an awesome day. We texted a lot more today, which I think was a mistake, but old habits are hard to break.
At this point, I am needing advice as to how much I have jacked things up and whether there is any hope of salvaging something with her. I am more interested in pursuing something long term with her but am aware I should move fast regardless. If only I had known that four months ago. I am clearly in the friend zone. Can I escape? If so, how do I start going about it?
Thanks.
To give a little background, I am early 40s and the girl that I have, unfortunately been chasing is in her early 30s. I am currently married but am separated from my wife and going through a divorce. I have worked with the girl in question for about 2½ years (I know, don’t shit where you work). We started off as causal friends and co-workers more than anything. She broke up with her boyfriend of 2½ years about 4 or 5 months ago and since that time we have grown a lot closer. I find myself extremely attracted to her both in a physical sense and to her personality.
There was definite interest from her before she found out about my marriage woes (which have been going on for a number of years and are not related to her). She was flirty and there was a lot of playful banter for three of the last four months. She also sought out ways to spend time with me either at work or during lunch. If I blew her off at lunch, she would get another friend ask me to go to lunch with them. It was clear she wanted to spend time around me and hang out. She even commented about texting me and not wanting to get me in trouble with my wife, and I told her to text me whenever she wanted. For about two months we would text practically every day, with her initiating the texting about 5 days out of 7. Some days the texting would be minimal, but most days, and especially on weekends, it would be very extensive. Looking back on this and after reading some of the articles on GC, I realize now that my level of interest and the amount of time I was devoting to communicating with her was a mistake.
Whenever we were out at lunch, either alone or with friends, there was a lot of friendly banter and teasing. I also got a lot of smiles where she “smiled with her eyes” as they say. It was clear that she enjoyed spending time with me. She never was super physical, maybe because we were usually around each other at work, but she did find some excuses to touch me – hugs, hand on arm, etc. She also would do things for me that she was not required to do and would offer to buy me lunch on occasion.
Things kinds of fell apart about four weeks ago. I was having a bad week at work and an even worse week at home. She told me I was acting weird around her, which I probably was because I was so invested in things and starting to become an idiot around her. I told her she was nitpicking everything I did and said, which she was because she was not getting the attention she was used to. We had a super awkward lunch one day with a friend and had a clear the air conversation after that. I assumed things were better after that but she really chilled things with the texting, only doing it enough to be polite and started avoiding spending time alone with me at lunch. Eventually I went to ask her what the deal was because she was still acting very distant from me. She said something about one of her male friends (a former boyfriend to boot) had commented on how much she and I were texting and whether it was appropriate or not. She did a lot of talking around in circles and I do not know if I ever go the truth and I was sick of the bullshit so I politely ended the conversation and have not brought it up since.
And I started ignoring her at work too. I purposefully stopped going by her office, or calling her, or sending her emails unless I absolutely had to and then it was all business. She kept telling me I still had a problem because I would be at work almost all day and not communicate with her. I would respond that things were fine on my end, I had been busy, and if she wanted to talk to me, my door swings both ways. I also told her that I got her message that she needed me to chill things and I was fine with that. She said I was awful dense for being such a smart guy. She also called me a douchbag and repeatedly told me she hated me and how mean I was. The middle of last week, she started reaching out to me at work more and discussing non-work related topics. I think the ignoring her for the most part was working.
Last week was her birthday and I got her a couple of small gifts (before things became a shit show). I decided to give them and left them on her desk. She must have come straight to my office after she opened them. I was in another co-worker’s office and when she did not find me, she emailed me and then two minutes later texted me to ask where I was. When I got back to my office I emailed her and she was in my office in 30 seconds. I could tell she was pleased by the presents and was profusely thanking me. The office had a pizza lunch for all of the workers that same day and she came to my office to ask me to walk down with her. She had not done something like that in several weeks. A co-worker also had birthday cake for her and she called me and asked me to walk down to have cake with her, so she wouldn’t “have to walk down there alone.”
The day before her b-day she had told me she was coming in early, which is not something she is normally capable of. I told her as much and she agreed to make a wager of my choosing. I told her that if she came in by the appointed time, I would buy her a drink after work and if she didn’t she could buy me a drink after work. It was obvious by the way she was blushing and smiling that she was pleased I had suggested drinks. Of course, she got to work on time and I lost the bet. She tried to flak on me for a decent reason and I squashed her excuse and we ended up going. She also tried to get a co-worker to go but he could not which was great for me. She told me she had to leave by a certain time but ended up staying about 45 minutes later. I decided to end the outing at that point by telling her I had things to do and needed to go. I deep dived as much as possible and let her do most of the talking. I did not have much of a chance to do any real framing. She asked about my marriage and I told her I was separated. I had not told her this previously and she was clearly surprised by the news.
I sent her a text about three hours after the “date” thanking her for hanging out and telling her I had a good time. She said she had a good time too and told me she was sorry I was going through so much crap (with my marriage) and she guessed things would work out. She also thanked me for helping make her birthday an awesome day. We texted a lot more today, which I think was a mistake, but old habits are hard to break.
At this point, I am needing advice as to how much I have jacked things up and whether there is any hope of salvaging something with her. I am more interested in pursuing something long term with her but am aware I should move fast regardless. If only I had known that four months ago. I am clearly in the friend zone. Can I escape? If so, how do I start going about it?
Thanks.
