Need help with this Tinder match

[LoneWolf14]

Ok so I matched with this girl and I basically started a role play based on her description. Not gonna go in-depth with it as it's just a role play, basically we were gonna start a business based on what we study in college. So I went for the date and said that we should see each other to 'talk business'. Then she said something which gave me an opportunity to make a kinda sleazy pun. Needless to say she didn't really like it but kept mentioning seeing each other to 'talk business'. So I warmed her up again by asking a couple of questions about her, including where she was from. She told me the name of the town and added that I probably never heard of it. I said that I have since two of my girlfriends are from there.
Now this is where it got a bit weird. So she didn't have her insta linked to her Tinder account and I asked her for it. She said she would give me her insta if I told her the name of my girlfriends from her town. I said it was a kinda strange request and asked her why. She said that she wanted to see what kind of people I'm getting involved with. I said that I don't know her and I'm not exposing my girlfriends to a stranger. I also added that the reason why I wanted her insta was because she didn't have it linked to her Tinder account and I wanted to make sure that I'm talking to the girl in the Tinder pictures. She gave me her insta with no other requests.
We added each other today and the conversation went like this:

me: it wasn't that hard, was it?
her: so are you happy now?
me: yes. What about you? You can see my followers now and see what kind of people I'm befriending.
her: who checks someone else's followers?
me: I don't know, you seemed interested in the people that I'm getting involved with.
her: I kinda am, honestly.
me: and I was looking for a business partner not a stalker
her: don't worry, we're gonna stick to business
me: great, now that we get along so well, let's talk about our first meeting. Are you in my city? (she will study here)
her: our first business* meeting will have to wait until I start uni (which is in a month)
me: of course it's a business meeting, you didn't think I'd date you, did you?
At this point she just treated my message with a seen.

She seems a bit weird but she looks good and I kinda enjoy talking to her since she talks a lot and it makes it easy for me, plus she says interesting things. However I'm totally mind-blown. She seems a bit insecure. When I added her I could see her number of posts and her insta account was private so I couldn't see what she posted. Now for some reason I remembered the number of pictures that she had (I just did, don't ask me how, the brain works in weird ways). So when I checked her account after she added me, I noticed that she deleted a picture and un-followed a bunch of people (I remembered that her following number had different digits, yet again, have no clue how but I'm glad that I did since I find it interesting). She was also responding much slower today than she did yesterday which got me thinking that she was doing it on purpose, hoping that it would keep me excited or something.

How would you guys proceed?

 

[Seppuku]

LoneWolf,

First, this post belongs more to General section, and not Field Reports.

Alright, now to your post. The way I read your post, the problems seemed to happen from the moment you mentioned other "girlfriends".

I have learned at my own expenses, over the years, how dangerous it is to mention about a *specific* girl of your past. The sort of response you're likely to get is an immediate questioning about the girl in question. It is usually very irrational and seems to come from a deep fear you would secretly get back together with former girl. I observed this countless times, usually when I mention I'm divorced (I then get questioned hard about ex wife, and if I'm secretly hoping to get her back - LOL), but also if I ever mention an ex-girlfriend.

This is very irrational, and coming from deep insecurities. It is never good to have to fight this. So, the best is to *completely* avoid mentioning another specific girl altogether. If questioned, playfully tell her you are a complete virgin (with a wink), and that she's the only girl you've ever met. She will laugh, and you guys move on to next topic.

Not giving her the names of the girls amounts to a defensive position, and only reinforces her irrational fears.

What happened next is that the chat ended in a no man's land. And now, she's reframing the whole role play into "we are going to stick to business". Which means literally, "non sexual".

From now on it is going to be uphill only. I fear your chances to reverse the damage are very thin. Trying to "keep the chat alive" until next month is going to be difficult as she now seems unresponsive. In any case you need to remain strictly non chasing, ping her once in a while, and only reengage serious texting about a week before, in the view of setting up a date like 2 days before. And that's assuming she still responds by then.

I wouldn't sweat too much on her now, and focus to bring on new prospects.

Seppuku

 

[LoneWolf14]

LoneWolf,

First, this post belongs more to General section, and not Field Reports.

Alright, now to your post. The way I read your post, the problems seemed to happen from the moment you mentioned other "girlfriends".

I have learned at my own expenses, over the years, how dangerous it is to mention about a *specific* girl of your past. The sort of response you're likely to get is an immediate questioning about the girl in question. It is usually very irrational and seems to come from a deep fear you would secretly get back together with former girl. I observed this countless times, usually when I mention I'm divorced (I then get questioned hard about ex wife, and if I'm secretly hoping to get her back - LOL), but also if I ever mention an ex-girlfriend.

This is very irrational, and coming from deep insecurities. It is never good to have to fight this. So, the best is to *completely* avoid mentioning another specific girl altogether. If questioned, playfully tell her you are a complete virgin (with a wink), and that she's the only girl you've ever met. She will laugh, and you guys move on to next topic.

Not giving her the names of the girls amounts to a defensive position, and only reinforces her irrational fears.

What happened next is that the chat ended in a no man's land. And now, she's reframing the whole role play into "we are going to stick to business". Which means literally, "non sexual".

From now on it is going to be uphill only. I fear your chances to reverse the damage are very thin. Trying to "keep the chat alive" until next month is going to be difficult as she now seems unresponsive. In any case you need to remain strictly non chasing, ping her once in a while, and only reengage serious texting about a week before, in the view of setting up a date like 2 days before. And that's assuming she still responds by then.

I wouldn't sweat too much on her now, and focus to bring on new prospects.

Seppuku

Thanks for your answer. When I said girlfriends I meant actual friends, not lovers and she knows that I meant the former because there's no such confusion in my language.

I don't think that she sees me as an actual business partner (would be awkward AF) and I even framed the whole business thing as a role play from early on. After all, such role plays happen all the time on Tinder. This one in particular could also be seen as a use of reverse psychology, and that's what I was actually after, since reverse psychology works like wonders.

What worries me is that I made her auto-reject because I tried to set this frame of her chasing me when she mentioned that she wanted to see those girls' profiles. After a while she said that she was curious about the people who follow me on insta and as I mentioned above I said 'I was looking for a business partner, not a stalker'. That's when she actually became unresponsive and I'm thinking that she might do it on purpose to show me that she's not a crazy stalker.

She watches my content on insta though. I will not text her, maybe I will ping her with a meme or something after a while and I will engage in serious convo again when it's time to set up a date, as you said.

I don't really care how it goes, I just shared it because I think it was an odd, yet interesting situation. We haven't texted that much, we exchanged maybe like 40 texts in two days so it's not like I'm heading into the friend zone or anything, we don't even know each other. We're Tinder matches after all, so if she wants to see me, it's definitely gonna be date, not a business meeting.

 

[Seppuku]

Alright, I understand better now. If it's absolutely clear to her that these "girlfriends" of yours meant "feminine friends", then what I said (probably) doesn't apply. But yet it seems the thread went the wrong direction after you mentioned these girls.

What worries me is that I made her auto-reject because I tried to set this frame of her chasing me when she mentioned that she wanted to see those girls' profiles.

Yes maybe. But then, if what you wanted to do is make her you chase a bit, I would have proceeded a little differently.
(i) mention the girls to appeal to her curiosity; (like you did)
(ii) when she asks the names, say that you will give them to her... maybe;
(iii) when she insists, remain playful and make her chase for it. You can ask for a (not too serious) condition to giving the name;
(iv) ultimately give her the names as a reward for good behavior.
Playful tone all along. Well, that's my way at least.

Yes I understand how it was framed into a role play initially, but frames can be reframed differently. When she says "her: don't worry, we're gonna stick to business", it sounds like she reframed the while thing as "non sexual now" - as a result of autorejection. But okay, it may be my wrong reading of your interaction.

I will not text her, maybe I will ping her with a meme or something after a while and I will engage in serious convo again when it's time to set up a date, as you said.

Seems to me the most reasonable approach now, unless of course she breaks the silence first.

On another note, your original post implied that you may not be able to meet her before a month time. From my experience it is very hard to put things on hold for so much time. You have to switch into casual, occasional texting anyway. The heavy, daily texting is not sustainable.

Anyway let us know if there is new input here.

Cheers,
Seppuku

 

[LoneWolf14]

Alright, I understand better now. If it's absolutely clear to her that these "girlfriends" of yours meant "feminine friends", then what I said (probably) doesn't apply. But yet it seems the thread went the wrong direction after you mentioned these girls.

What worries me is that I made her auto-reject because I tried to set this frame of her chasing me when she mentioned that she wanted to see those girls' profiles.

Yes maybe. But then, if what you wanted to do is make her you chase a bit, I would have proceeded a little differently.
(i) mention the girls to appeal to her curiosity; (like you did)
(ii) when she asks the names, say that you will give them to her... maybe;
(iii) when she insists, remain playful and make her chase for it. You can ask for a (not too serious) condition to giving the name;
(iv) ultimately give her the names as a reward for good behavior.
Playful tone all along. Well, that's my way at least.

Yes I understand how it was framed into a role play initially, but frames can be reframed differently. When she says "her: don't worry, we're gonna stick to business", it sounds like she reframed the while thing as "non sexual now" - as a result of autorejection. But okay, it may be my wrong reading of your interaction.

I will not text her, maybe I will ping her with a meme or something after a while and I will engage in serious convo again when it's time to set up a date, as you said.

Seems to me the most reasonable approach now, unless of course she breaks the silence first.

On another note, your original post implied that you may not be able to meet her before a month time. From my experience it is very hard to put things on hold for so much time. You have to switch into casual, occasional texting anyway. The heavy, daily texting is not sustainable.

Anyway let us know if there is new input here.

Cheers,
Seppuku

I'm gonna let about a week pass then ping her with something like 'what's up, stranger?' Wouldn't be surprised if she broke the silence first but what makes it unlikely is the fact that we're Tinder matches and only spoke over text. We're not a fixture any each other's lives, so it's take it or leave it for both of us. However this also means that there's little chance she would re-frame a Tinder match into a 'non-sexual' fixture after a couple of texts and if she does, it means that she's weird AF, at which point I'm just gonna break away completely. Still, Tinder is about going sexual so I'm pretty sure she's just trying to play hard to get after maybe I exaggerated a little bit with the whole her stalking me frame. She most definitely felt awkward and it's kinda my fault, even though I was doing in a playful manner. However it was over text, texts are inexpressive (that's why I hate them) so she probably read them not as I intended to write them.

Also there's no way she took the business thing seriously (yet again she's weird if she did). She's a freshwoman, I'm halfway through college so it was just playful banter which resulted in an overall enjoyable discussion. I'm pretty sure there hasn't been a lot of damage done and I'm gonna keep updating on the situation if anything notable happens.

 

[no_more_mr_niceguy]

Is there any chance she might have missed the fact that you were teasing her with that "you wouldn't think that I would date you, wouldn't you?". Like maybe she took it like you were actually arrogant or an asshole or smth. Don't get me wrong - that was good flirting, but I'm thinking maybe someone a little more naive or insecure might miss that. Sorry if this sounds goofy, it's just a thought.

 

[LoneWolf14]

Is there any chance she might have missed the fact that you were teasing her with that "you wouldn't think that I would date you, wouldn't you?". Like maybe she took it like you were actually arrogant or an asshole or smth. Don't get me wrong - that was good flirting, but I'm thinking maybe someone a little more naive or insecure might miss that. Sorry if this sounds goofy, it's just a thought.

No you are actually right. Wrote about another girl on Tinder in a different thread. I was teasing her and she became really butthurt. She actuallh wanted to see me but then she told me that I'm arrogant and I expect a lot without giving much in return. We had a date set though. She didn't even answer when I tried to low key confirm the date (I texted her in the morning of the day the date should've happened 'Good morning, see you at x hours at y place, I'm not the type of guy to go like 'Hey we're still dating aren't we?' )

So yes this other girl did think I'm an asshole but not because of that tease, but becausd I tried to frame her as a stalker. I'm almost certain that's what happened. Gonna let her cool off a bit then ping her.

Thinking of asking the first girl out again tho. She follows my content on insta so there's still some level of interest over there.

 

[no_more_mr_niceguy]

Gonna let her cool off a bit then ping her.

Yeah that sounds like a good plan.