- Joined
- Jan 26, 2020
- Messages
- 4
Hey guys, I need some advice . :/
I'm not very good at identifying problems and figuring out how to solve them,or describing things succinctly, so I'll just post my story here and see what you guys think.
First, a bit of background information.
I'm 26, the eldest of 2 in a middle class family in Bangladesh (if you don't know about it, just imagine a more conservative india).
My younger brother has autism, not the cutesy type they show in media, rather he's like a 2 year old in the body of a 12 year old. He didn't get the help he needed when he was a child(or even now tbh), his communication and motor skills are pretty bad and he is dependent on others(namely me, since i don't work yet) for basic things like meals and taking showers etc.
The reason i'm talking about him is cause he is a pretty big part of my life and taking care of him for the last 12 years has shaped me differently from most others my age( spoilers: not in a good way ).
My parents are divorced, dad has narcissistic personality disorder and mom and i both have OCD(we're both neat freaks and germaphobes). I also get addicted to things very quickly(a running pattern in my family), i could be wrong about these, i lived a sheltered life and i'm not being completely objective here. I also can't trust dad, my hatred and fear of him in the early days left me with a crippling phobia of him and pretty much any authoritative figure i come across. I also resent mom, for.... i guess shackling me(i don't have a better word for it) to her through guilt. I know i'm being unfair and playing a victim here, it's just how things feel. The native culture of beating the shit out of your child and then expecting him to be happily obedient certainly doesn't help it.
If i describe myself in a few adjevtives, it would look like this:
Self centered, anti social, approval seeking, overanalyzing, cowardly(emphasis on cowardly) guy with severe daddy and mommy issues, may have vitamin deficiency.
Current situation: like everyone i have been pretty much sitting at home this year and have no choice but to face the facts. My social life and skills are pretty much zero. I don't work , mostly cause i don't like my field of work( i majored in microbiology) and cause there's nobody else who can take care of my little brother. I spend my days distracting myself with fan fiction and movies. I got insomnia and my germaphobia keeps increasing, which i hate.
My dad calls me every few days to tell me how much of a disappointment i am and how i'm destroying my brothers life, and tries to convince me to ditch mom and live with him, preferably bringing my brother with me so he can educate us on how to be a productive members of society like him.
Why he thinks i would be taking any decisions for my brother while both parents are living is beyond me.
My brother does not have ( or maybe he does, i don't know cause he doesn't talk much) the capacity to understand why all of us can't just live together like a family, he loves all of us, and his disheartened smile breaks me a little every time i see it.
If i leave home(not to dad) , which i think is necessary for me to actually reverse the negative spiral that is my life, my mom will fall apart, she defined her whole life by being my mom, i don't resent her quite that much to hurt her like that. Even though i think living with her is bad for me. Also my country has a stupid law that says if a suicide victim blames you for it in a suicide note, then you basically killed them. I don't wanna fall prey to that.
So.... here i am.
I probably left out important details unknowingly, if you guys have any further questions, feel free to ask.
I'm not completely sure what i'm looking for here, guess i mostly wanna know what others(people i look up to) would do if they were in my situation and had the mental handicaps i do. My thinking has always been scattered, which makes it difficult for me find out what i want( or to not be self centered, you can see that most of my sentences start with "i" ) .
I have been reading girlschase since 2013(got 2 gfs out of the lessons here, though none lasted more than a month); i have read pretty much all the general articles here, i love chase's writing most and the knowledge here have taught me a lot about the world and about myself. I hope you guys continue the good work.
P.S: i should probably add this, having a frank conversation with my parents about my problems is not an option, i tried that a few times before and it only made things worse. Neither of them liked the thought of more problems in their life and basically told me to pray more and forget about it. I'm agnostic(nobody knows ofcourse) so that didn't really help. I don't think they are rational when it comes to personal problems.
I'm not very good at identifying problems and figuring out how to solve them,or describing things succinctly, so I'll just post my story here and see what you guys think.
First, a bit of background information.
I'm 26, the eldest of 2 in a middle class family in Bangladesh (if you don't know about it, just imagine a more conservative india).
My younger brother has autism, not the cutesy type they show in media, rather he's like a 2 year old in the body of a 12 year old. He didn't get the help he needed when he was a child(or even now tbh), his communication and motor skills are pretty bad and he is dependent on others(namely me, since i don't work yet) for basic things like meals and taking showers etc.
The reason i'm talking about him is cause he is a pretty big part of my life and taking care of him for the last 12 years has shaped me differently from most others my age( spoilers: not in a good way ).
My parents are divorced, dad has narcissistic personality disorder and mom and i both have OCD(we're both neat freaks and germaphobes). I also get addicted to things very quickly(a running pattern in my family), i could be wrong about these, i lived a sheltered life and i'm not being completely objective here. I also can't trust dad, my hatred and fear of him in the early days left me with a crippling phobia of him and pretty much any authoritative figure i come across. I also resent mom, for.... i guess shackling me(i don't have a better word for it) to her through guilt. I know i'm being unfair and playing a victim here, it's just how things feel. The native culture of beating the shit out of your child and then expecting him to be happily obedient certainly doesn't help it.
If i describe myself in a few adjevtives, it would look like this:
Self centered, anti social, approval seeking, overanalyzing, cowardly(emphasis on cowardly) guy with severe daddy and mommy issues, may have vitamin deficiency.
Current situation: like everyone i have been pretty much sitting at home this year and have no choice but to face the facts. My social life and skills are pretty much zero. I don't work , mostly cause i don't like my field of work( i majored in microbiology) and cause there's nobody else who can take care of my little brother. I spend my days distracting myself with fan fiction and movies. I got insomnia and my germaphobia keeps increasing, which i hate.
My dad calls me every few days to tell me how much of a disappointment i am and how i'm destroying my brothers life, and tries to convince me to ditch mom and live with him, preferably bringing my brother with me so he can educate us on how to be a productive members of society like him.
Why he thinks i would be taking any decisions for my brother while both parents are living is beyond me.
My brother does not have ( or maybe he does, i don't know cause he doesn't talk much) the capacity to understand why all of us can't just live together like a family, he loves all of us, and his disheartened smile breaks me a little every time i see it.
If i leave home(not to dad) , which i think is necessary for me to actually reverse the negative spiral that is my life, my mom will fall apart, she defined her whole life by being my mom, i don't resent her quite that much to hurt her like that. Even though i think living with her is bad for me. Also my country has a stupid law that says if a suicide victim blames you for it in a suicide note, then you basically killed them. I don't wanna fall prey to that.
So.... here i am.
I probably left out important details unknowingly, if you guys have any further questions, feel free to ask.
I'm not completely sure what i'm looking for here, guess i mostly wanna know what others(people i look up to) would do if they were in my situation and had the mental handicaps i do. My thinking has always been scattered, which makes it difficult for me find out what i want( or to not be self centered, you can see that most of my sentences start with "i" ) .
I have been reading girlschase since 2013(got 2 gfs out of the lessons here, though none lasted more than a month); i have read pretty much all the general articles here, i love chase's writing most and the knowledge here have taught me a lot about the world and about myself. I hope you guys continue the good work.
P.S: i should probably add this, having a frank conversation with my parents about my problems is not an option, i tried that a few times before and it only made things worse. Neither of them liked the thought of more problems in their life and basically told me to pray more and forget about it. I'm agnostic(nobody knows ofcourse) so that didn't really help. I don't think they are rational when it comes to personal problems.
