One Special Girl Problem

[Definitely_not_a_gymrat]

Hey guys, posted this on my journal, but wanted to get feedback here, as I really want to cure this problem, either by taking the steps to seducer her eventually, or getting a girl that is like her type, but much better. Will bracket the parts that I wrote on my journal to give more background on my one special girl problem.

Spoiler: One Special Girl Explanation

A huge problem developed around this time. Saw a girl on instagram, super cute, innocent looking type, and decided to give her a follow. She followed me back, and taking this as a huge sign of interest, I game planned on how to get her(even though I never met her). I would obsess over fantasies of us getting together(like @Chase did with his one special girl). I would consistently check up on her Instagram profile, check to see if she was checking my stories, when she did, I considered that a small sign of interest. Yes, I read all the one special girl articles. Although I had this new crush that I was fantasizing over, I worked on my cold approach and got better.

Summer comes around and I get an internship, commuting one day a week to the city where the internship is held. Every time I went to the city, decided to approach 3-4 girls there, and honed my game, used different gambits where necessary. Also decided to DM my one special girl replying to one of her stories, and she leaves me on seen. At first, I'm crushed, but somehow, my brain makes the logical conclusion that she only rejected me because of my shitty instagram profile, if I was in person I could have controlled the outcome much better, and had better odds. I do believe this, but still haven't met her in person.

Fall comes around and I decide to make a sudden switch to becoming a more social person, would chat up girls and guys everywhere I went. Continued to practice cold approach, with a heavy usage of indirect game. Also starting posting on the boards to get outside feedback on my approach, but on the whole I noticed girls were much more receptive to my approach, as long as I didn't say or do anything too weird.

Unfortunately my crush on the one special girl has not subsided to this day, started in March, it is now December. Whatever new thing I learn through looking at her instagram, it still does not deter me from the fact that she is a great girl(all in my head). I'm not even in a fraternity, and I just found out she got elected president of her sorority. It would be nice if I could at least meet her in person so her real life personality crushes the image I have of her in my head, unless she really is a great girl. Minimal signs of drinking, drugs and guys lead me to believe she seems like a good girl, and I guess the sweet smile she has on her pictures leads me to believe she is a nice person. She could totally be different from what I imagined, but I won't know that for a while, if at all. I know that this is not a question I should ask, but sorority presidents can date people who aren't in fraternities right? If they show a certain level of coolness.

I have tried to go out and approach in order to cure this one special girl syndrome, and I am still approaching girls when I see fit. Writing about this really helped get out this secret about the one special girl I have been hiding for months, anyways next month I head for a study abraod semester, and hopefully I can improve my seduction skills by a good margin to the point where come in the next year, I am able to get any type of girl I want(not one specific girl).

I decided to write about this now because I am really sick of dealing with this problem. I do try to meet new girls, and when I go out to meet new girls, or interact with people in general, she is not on my mind at all. It is only when I am alone. Now I found out she got elected president of her sorority, and I am not in a fraternity. For some reason my brain is coping with ways that I can still "get her" and making fantasies over it. Is there anything else I can do to let go of this one special girl, at least until I am faced with the opportunity of meeting her in person? Also, is it possible that a sorority president would even date a non fraternity guy like me? Did not think she was the sorority president type, but even though our school is considered a "party school" greek life is not a huge deal here.

Any input welcome.

 

[Zoro]

Imagine your fulfillment is like a cup of water.

Right now, you've got a perspective that this girl, and this girl alone, can fill this cup of water.

And because of that perspective, your subconscious mind is scrambling to get something it views as important (the special girl), and is the only way to get that important thing (feeling "whole"/fulfilled).

But we all know that is not true.

This girl is not your only source of fulfillment. No woman is actually.

To take this metaphor further, I invite you to dump out what is in that cup. Because it's not actually empty, it's full of misunderstandings and contaminated ideas. Imagine literally pouring this girl out of your mind and all that junk of the mind flowing away.

Now that your cup is nice and clean, ready for new stuff, find ways to fill that cup.

In other words, you have to engage with life on your terms. What interests you? Fill that damn cup with some good shit. And empowered ideas. Literally imagine you growing and becoming more awesome, with the nourishment from these new things in your cup. Could be sports, social events, new skills, gaming new girls, etc.

Back to practical shit. Game is about aligning your behaviors and beliefs with those of men who have success with women. Would a man with options and security in himself be crushing on a girl that he never met? Nope.

Would he be engaged with cool shit going on in his life to the point that forgets about this chick? Yup.

Would he be gaming other girls too? Yup.

I have a funny theory that the more you think about someone, the less they think about you. It's like an imaginary channel, and if you flood it with thoughts of her, there is no room for thoughts of you to flow from her.

Last but not least, listen to this guided meditation. Ignore the title about anxiety, its actually more about connecting with empowering beliefs about yourself.

 

[Definitely_not_a_gymrat]

Imagine your fulfillment is like a cup of water.

Right now, you've got a perspective that this girl, and this girl alone, can fill this cup of water.

And because of that perspective, your subconscious mind is scrambling to get something it views as important (the special girl), and is the only way to get that important thing (feeling "whole"/fulfilled).

But we all know that is not true.

This girl is not your only source of fulfillment. No woman is actually.

To take this metaphor further, I invite you to dump out what is in that cup. Because it's not actually empty, it's full of misunderstandings and contaminated ideas. Imagine literally pouring this girl out of your mind and all that junk of the mind flowing away.

Now that your cup is nice and clean, ready for new stuff, find ways to fill that cup.

Hey Zoro, appreciate the response and feedback to this complex psychological problem!

I see what you mean, and writing my journal entry as well as this felt like me emptying the cup.

Also decided to read Way of the Superior Man again, read Chapter 1 yesterday, and yeah, I have to put myself first, even with an amazing girl, and I can’t really think about fitting into a girls life, which was a good part of my fantasy. Definitely not saying I’m a white knight, I’m the only one at fault here for my problem.

So far today I haven’t kept tabs on her, living my life and doing my own things.

Still have the fantasy of that “one girl” although it doesn’t really feel like her anymore, it just feels like a manifestation that pushes me to get on top of my shit.

In other words, you have to engage with life on your terms. What interests you? Fill that damn cup with some good shit. And empowered ideas. Literally imagine you growing and becoming more awesome, with the nourishment from these new things in your cup. Could be sports, social events, new skills, gaming new girls, etc.

Went to the gym, decided to film some videos, gonna make a TikTok fitness account with hopes of growing it, definitely gonna fulfill me. Also talking to cute girls and sports definitely of interest for me. Don’t talk to girls as often as I would like, but take the opportunity whenever.

Back to practical shit. Game is about aligning your behaviors and beliefs with those of men who have success with women. Would a man with options and security in himself be crushing on a girl that he never met? Nope.

Would he be engaged with cool shit going on in his life to the point that forgets about this chick? Yup.

Would he be gaming other girls too? Yup.

Agree with this, I’m studying abroad next month so got plenty of cool shit to engage myself with. Gonna draw up a list of things I want to accomplish and experience within the next year, and goals that I want to set for myself.

I have a funny theory that the more you think about someone, the less they think about you. It's like an imaginary channel, and if you flood it with thoughts of her, there is no room for thoughts of you to flow from her.

I’ve heard theories about the opposite, but it doesn’t really matter in my case.

Last but not least, listen to this guided meditation. Ignore the title about anxiety, its actually more about connecting with empowering beliefs about yourself.

Will take a look at this, I don’t really have social anxiety, and can be myself in social interactions. It’s at the point where no one in my life suspects I even have a problem this deep, but that’s why the forums are there! Thanks for the help Zoro, already feel like I’m making progress, not gonna say too much since it’s only one day.

 

[Chase]

@Definitely_not_a_gymrat,

Hey man, I read the situation.

Question for you: have you been laid?

Because it is pretty hard to get out of fantasy land if you are not getting actual, tangible results just yet.

Once you're bedding girls, you are suddenly going to have powerful, physical, REAL connections with women that are going to supersede the imagined one with the special girl.

You probably won't be getting the best or the hottest girls at first. So she'll still linger there in your mind ("These chicks I'm banging still aren't as good as her"). It may even depress you a little.

Then at some point you'll get another breakthrough (first breakthrough is getting laid!) and lay a really hot girl who's totally amazing and you'll decide she's at least as good as if not better than the crush girl.

At that point, crush girl is totally out of your mind. She just fades more and more away.

Also:

Unfortunately my crush on the one special girl has not subsided to this day, started in March, it is now December. Whatever new thing I learn through looking at her instagram, it still does not deter me from the fact that she is a great girl(all in my head). I'm not even in a fraternity, and I just found out she got elected president of her sorority. It would be nice if I could at least meet her in person so her real life personality crushes the image I have of her in my head, unless she really is a great girl. Minimal signs of drinking, drugs and guys lead me to believe she seems like a good girl, and I guess the sweet smile she has on her pictures leads me to believe she is a nice person. She could totally be different from what I imagined, but I won't know that for a while, if at all. I know that this is not a question I should ask, but sorority presidents can date people who aren't in fraternities right? If they show a certain level of coolness.

It's unhealthy being stuck in the voyeur frame with chicks.

Staring at her pics just reinforces the fantasy in your mind.

You should be focusing your energy on new women you are meeting in the flesh who are responding to you, coming out onto dates, climbing into your bed, blowing up your phone to meet you again after, etc. Not on "virtual girls" who for all intents and purposes for you don't exist.

Another point: trying to deduce her private life from her social media is not guaranteed. There are plenty of chicks who maintain a prim and proper image online but are doing drugs, getting drunk, and hooking up IRL. Whatever the reality is with her, the only thing you know about her now is what image she wants to present of herself online.

Be real careful with social media.

They call them "thirst traps" for a reason.

This stuff traps men.

Action items:

1. Prioritize getting girls out onto dates.
2. Once you've got that down, prioritize getting them home.
3. Once that's down, prioritize making a move & aiming to get them into bed.
4. Once that's down, start working on quality and prioritize getting hotter/cooler girls.
5. Meanwhile, find a way to get social media voyeurism marginalized. However you do that is up to you.

Finally, a mental hack: you can train your brain to put your mental energy somewhere else every time "special girl" pops up.

One exercise is rotate your thoughts among different girls you are meeting.

e.g., Special Girl pops into thoughts. Immediately shift your thoughts to Girl A you had a nice chat with at the grocery store the other day. Special Girl again pops into thoughts later in the day. Immediately shift your thoughts to Girl B you talked to waiting in line at Starbucks. Special Girl pops into mind a third time that day; immediately shift thoughts to Girl C, whom you approached on the sidewalk earlier this week.

What it does it focus your energy much more on the women you're approaching, which causes you to try harder on that front, instead of fritter away mental focus & energy on a chick who is, at least right now, out of reach.

Chase

 

[Definitely_not_a_gymrat]

@Definitely_not_a_gymrat,

Hey man, I read the situation.

Question for you: have you been laid?

Because it is pretty hard to get out of fantasy land if you are not getting actual, tangible results just yet.

Once you're bedding girls, you are suddenly going to have powerful, physical, REAL connections with women that are going to supersede the imagined one with the special girl.

You probably won't be getting the best or the hottest girls at first. So she'll still linger there in your mind ("These chicks I'm banging still aren't as good as her"). It may even depress you a little.

Then at some point you'll get another breakthrough (first breakthrough is getting laid!) and lay a really hot girl who's totally amazing and you'll decide she's at least as good as if not better than the crush girl.

At that point, crush girl is totally out of your mind. She just fades more and more away.

Hey Chase, really appreciate the input, I know you got a lot going on, which also shows the severity of my problem.

To answer your question, had a FWB last year lasting around a month(I ended it) at the first talk of her talking about a serious relationship. Lost my virginity that way.

Since then, haven’t had any lays, which is why I am developing my cold approach game, and trying to get feedback on this forum, as well as improve overall with girls.

Also have tinder and hinge but even though I haven’t laid anyone from cold approach yet, it already feels more rewarding then matching and bantering with a chick online.

Also:



It's unhealthy being stuck in the voyeur frame with chicks.

Staring at her pics just reinforces the fantasy in your mind.

You should be focusing your energy on new women you are meeting in the flesh who are responding to you, coming out onto dates, climbing into your bed, blowing up your phone to meet you again after, etc. Not on "virtual girls" who for all intents and purposes for you don't exist.

Yeah, I stopped checking up on her, but that only started today, and want to keep it going. Won’t count a streak tab, as it will just pedestalize her more, but will think about other things to get my mind off of her.

I believe that cold approach is the best way for me to do that, but yeah I need to do more of that.

Don’t really like social circle game and online game tbh, though I’m not opposed to using it for a lay. But yeah, chicks that I meet through these channels as opposed to cold approach feel more mediocre.

Another point: trying to deduce her private life from her social media is not guaranteed. There are plenty of chicks who maintain a prim and proper image online but are doing drugs, getting drunk, and hooking up IRL. Whatever the reality is with her, the only thing you know about her now is what image she wants to present of herself online.

Be real careful with social media.

They call them "thirst traps" for a reason.

This stuff traps men.

True, has been trapping me. I don’t think there seems to be much wrong with her, i.e. she seems like a normal girl, but yeah I will never know unless I get the chance to meet her in person, which is what I have been fantasizing about, even though I know it has no chance of happening any time soon.

Action items:

1. Prioritize getting girls out onto dates.
2. Once you've got that down, prioritize getting them home.
3. Once that's down, prioritize making a move & aiming to get them into bed.
4. Once that's down, start working on quality and prioritize getting hotter/cooler girls.
5. Meanwhile, find a way to get social media voyeurism marginalized. However you do that is up to you.

I have been trying to get girls out on dates, good with approaching to getting number close, starting to realize a number close means nothing, and doesn’t say anything about girls attraction and interest level. Gonna keep approaching and work towards getting more dates, and more lays.

Most of my cold approach next month will have to be done in the gym. I read your article about the gym being a social circle, but me being there for a short fixture of time, I figure I can make 2-3 approaches a week, especially if I go during different times of the day.

Can’t do nightgame, not 21 yet in America, and the one or two times my friends have wanted to approach girls during the day, I’m the only one making any approach, and it’s 1-2 mediocre ones. I guess it’s really true what they say about you being the average of the five people you spend time around you. Gonna have to do this alone, or find a competent and motivated enough partner.

Gonna start using instagram less, and if I have to use a social media, TikTok is my go to. Plan on starting a fitness account soon, and I know she doesn’t have a TikTok presence, so I’m clear there.

Finally, a mental hack: you can train your brain to put your mental energy somewhere else every time "special girl" pops up.

One exercise is rotate your thoughts among different girls you are meeting.

e.g., Special Girl pops into thoughts. Immediately shift your thoughts to Girl A you had a nice chat with at the grocery store the other day. Special Girl again pops into thoughts later in the day. Immediately shift your thoughts to Girl B you talked to waiting in line at Starbucks. Special Girl pops into mind a third time that day; immediately shift thoughts to Girl C, whom you approached on the sidewalk earlier this week.

What it does it focus your energy much more on the women you're approaching, which causes you to try harder on that front, instead of fritter away mental focus & energy on a chick who is, at least right now, out of reach.

Chase

Yeah, I could do this, and manifest with potential lays, rather than someone I’ve never met in person. Will try to do this, as well as meet more girls. Back home for the holidays, so it’s definitely tougher, but soon I’ll be in a whole new country, which will definitely make things interesting. Italy may not be the best place to cold approach receptive women, but hopefully I can learn a thing or two from Italians, and do weekend trips to better places in Europe.

I think my problem stems from not only the fact that she was good looking, which is true, but she’s not incredibly hot, or someone that’s my ideal physical type. I guess after stalking her and figuring things that I could find out about her she was the closest thing I could get to “wifey material,” which could all be a facade. Seems like a good girl to me, but doesn’t really matter.

Now I’m gonna work on my approach, meeting girls, and sampling different kinds of girls that I am interested in. Thanks Chase for your response, I really appreciate you giving me advice and action steps, can’t wait to approach a bunch more and write more FR’s, and maybe a LR soon!

 

[Definitely_not_a_gymrat]

Wanted to update you guys real quick on the special girl problem.

To sum up, the biggest piece of advice that I implemented was that I was training myself to be a voyeur, so I immediately stopped. Not only do I not check her account or any account that I can see her, I cut down my instagram time as well. Only really go there for advice relating to hobbies, fitness, or dating/lifestyle advice.

Haven’t been able to approach women yet in the past few days, talked to a girl at the gym but doesn’t really count as seduction since I didn’t get to know her, just asked for a favor. Was also scared she was in high school, and was in a new gym. Still reading girls chase set tickets, and dating advice.

In the meantime, I started a fitness TikTok account, and am now focused on growing that to start becoming a fitness coach.

Even though I see her pictures less, I still do think of her, although I have started picturing myself with other girls, so this situation is definitely improving.

Also wanted to write this to give a shoutout to @Chase , even though I’m sure he has plenty. After writing this response to my problem, I saw plenty of advice on how to avoid a similar situation to mine on X, even using the advice he gave me on X. Hopefully it helps more people like it’s doing for me.

 

[Spyce D]

I have a funny theory that the more you think about someone, the less they think about you. It's like an imaginary channel, and if you flood it with thoughts of her, there is no room for thoughts of you to flow from her.

Interesting line of thought .

I am curious enough to learn more about it.