Performance Anxiety- Loosing Erection after some time

[johnydones]

As of lately im having this problem with the girl im seeing for about a month now. I am her second partner (i know that because we know each other for 8 years ) and she insist on using a condom every time. At first everything was great, some performance anxiety but nothing i couldnt handle. But last few times , either i can't get it up or i can't maintain an erection for more then 15-20 minutes.

The problem is that i do not feel a thing with condoms and once i burn all my mental focus and "horny-ness" , generally after 15 or so minutes , i start going limp , then performance anxiety kicks in and everything goes to hell.

Im sure the problem is just in my head , because with this other girl i can stay up for hours. That one is much more sexual and wild (maybe that turns me on who knows)

I read the article chase written on performance anxiety and i would like if you guys can share your secrets and what do you do if you were ever in similar situation.

-JD

 

[johnydones]

This is becoming a real problem now , yesterday i had a girl at my place, and for about 1-1.5h of foreplay i was hard and ready , then i started to cool off so i thought ill chill for few minutes and i laid on my back , she then mounted me and started grinding over jeans , she then moved and started unbuttoning the jeans and i started panicking in my head "no no , not now , i was freakin hard for 1 hour and you want to do it NOW ?! )

Needless to say my goose was cooked once those thoughts started running through my head.

After like 30 seconds of nothing happening she lost it and said "i can't believe you are not getting hard on my touch, are you not attracted to me?" . She started packing , but by some magic i stopped her and she sat on the bad.

She said "i am really insecure , i don't know if i can ever relax now"

Took me 2-3 hours to explain to her that i am in fact attracted to her and i need few minutes to relax in my head to get hard.

So even though i may see her again if i managed to pull her away from auto-rejection , i will face such performance anxiety like never before , i might even pop a Kamagra (viagra like shit).

Do you have an advice how to get out of my head , forget about what happened and move on ...

Thanks

-JD

 

[Mr. oblivious]

if your staying hard for hours with others it must be something mentally to do with this girl. Or you could just have shit nutrition before meeting her (highly unlikely)

I would just say pop a viagra or something next time you see her (i never tried it) but it much better than trying to solve the mental issue which you have no clue of the cause.

 

[johnydones]

It is a short term solution , but i know this is my head messing with me. When i pop it , i get hard within minutes (it takes 30 minutes- 1 hour to start working) which is obviously placebo effect.

I noticed that it happens only when i need to get hard "on demand" , meaning when she starts unzipping my pants if im still limp , then i go into panic mode and nothing good will come out of it.

 

[Mr. oblivious]

Have you tried thought blocking? like when you begin when a certain thought comes into your mind you shout out loud stop then when you improve you will be able to do it in your mind alone and it makes the thought disappear for a while.

This is a tactic i implement while practicing lasting longer cause i realized i only felt the urge to come when i thought about cumming. (iv habituated to this thought the thought of cumming now has no effect on me)

I also found i felt like coming once i thought about might actual penis going in and out of her and i solved this with a different method and that was one from chases article about focusing on the other aspects of sexs e.g. rubbing her nipples her clit feeling her body basically just activating your senses so all your focus is not on you penis.


Anyway i side tracked a bit but hope the first bit is useful

 

[Richard]

Johnny,

Try this out - something I picked up from the master's master... Tony Robbins and his Triad. Basically, it's the process we go through to create feelings, emotions, actions, etc, and it's composed of three parts: Language, Focus, and Physiology.

These three things all influence and affect one another as well.

Now, in your case - creating the inability to maintain an erection/performance anxiety:

Language: "Mannn I just won't stay hard when I fuck her!" or "What the fuck is wrong with me!" <-- some kind of self-defeating thoughts about the issue.

Focus: I'd be willing to guess that you're focusing on why you can't get hard, or why she isn't making you hard, or something to that effect.

Physiology: Probably slouched over, or wide-eyed, sweating, panicking.

If so, then it's no wonder that you can't get hard. Your thoughts influence your body's nervous system literally making it impossible to get hard when you're in a state like that. However, if you take the same Triad and apply it different, then you may see different results:

Language: "Mannn I can't wait to give this chick the most mind-blowing orgasms she's ever felt. Hurry up and unzip me already so we can get this party started!!!!!" <-- some positive type of thought about fucking her.

Focus: This is actually the reason you can't stay hard either because you can't focus on the feeling while fucking (which in turn influences your physiology and language). So instead, focus on the visual aspect of fucking, or the auditory aspect of fucking. Nothing turns me on more than having a horny Latina chick ride my dick while screaming "PAAPPPIIII!!!" as loud as she can - at that point I don't care that she's riding me, it's the screaming that's getting me off. So, turn your focus to the visual aspect, or auditory aspect.

Physiology: Use your imagination for this one - this is basically your overall body composition... you can get creative here.

Try this out and let us know if anything changes I know it will

-Richard

EDIT: http://www.changethatsrightnow.com/losi ... -overcome/ <--- I found this little gem that goes more in-depth into what I already said. Give this a read-through as well buddy.

 

[Grand Pooba]

This is becoming a real problem now , yesterday i had a girl at my place, and for about 1-1.5h of foreplay i was hard and ready , then i started to cool off so i thought ill chill for few minutes and i laid on my back , she then mounted me and started grinding over jeans , she then moved and started unbuttoning the jeans and i started panicking in my head "no no , not now , i was freakin hard for 1 hour and you want to do it NOW ?! )

Needless to say my goose was cooked once those thoughts started running through my head.

After like 30 seconds of nothing happening she lost it and said "i can't believe you are not getting hard on my touch, are you not attracted to me?" . She started packing , but by some magic i stopped her and she sat on the bad.

She said "i am really insecure , i don't know if i can ever relax now"

Took me 2-3 hours to explain to her that i am in fact attracted to her and i need few minutes to relax in my head to get hard.

So even though i may see her again if i managed to pull her away from auto-rejection , i will face such performance anxiety like never before , i might even pop a Kamagra (viagra like shit).

Do you have an advice how to get out of my head , forget about what happened and move on ...

Thanks

-JD

JD, I want to look at this from a different perspective, and tell me if you agree.

The problem that she pointed out is one of your attention. What I read above is that at some point in the night you got distracted away from her and into something else. This caused you to lose your erection. Your attention then focused on your lack of erection, but either way it was not on HER. She noticed your lack of attention to her and got upset that you were not focusing on her (expressed in "i can't believe you are not getting hard on my touch, are you not attracted to me?"), and then caused "drama" to win back your attention for the next 2-3 hours (which you played into).

It sounds like you really psyched yourself out, but either way you took your attention off the girl you're with. Does that make sense?

Keep your attention on her. Focus on everything about her and what makes her attractive to you - feel her, touch her, kiss her, play with her, talk to her, have her tell you naughty things - whatever. This also doubly serves to keep her emotions high, because she knows you're focusing on her (in this case sexually).

Language: "Mannn I just won't stay hard when I fuck her!" or "What the fuck is wrong with me!" <-- some kind of self-defeating thoughts about the issue.

Focus: I'd be willing to guess that you're focusing on why you can't get hard, or why she isn't making you hard, or something to that effect.

Physiology: Probably slouched over, or wide-eyed, sweating, panicking.

All lack of focus on the girl. Keep your focus entirely on her while you are with her.

 

[johnydones]

Thanks for replies guys ,

@Zphix

Really great method , the article is good too.
yesterday i had the first girl i was talking about over at my place , and i noticed that last time it was just lack of passion around , and that turns me off. Looks like this time she was more relaxed, more passionate and it turned me on very quickly.

@ozzo

Yes, you are completely right. While i was working on getting her relaxed i was turned on with all the moaning and stuff , but once i started chilling , there was nothing much to turn me on and i lost it. You were right about the drama as well , that girl is quite a drama queen.

My question now would be ,
1. should i just keep my focus on her and not let her go for my junk if its not hard yet. If she does anyway , what should i do ?
2. What do you think about telling a girl you slept with (if she looks like a girl who will understand this shit) that you have performance anxiety sometimes ?

Once again , Thanks

-JD

 

[Grand Pooba]

My question now would be ,
1. should i just keep my focus on her and not let her go for my junk if its not hard yet. If she does anyway , what should i do ?
2. What do you think about telling a girl you slept with (if she looks like a girl who will understand this shit) that you have performance anxiety sometimes ?

1. I'd say you should explain to her that you're having a stressful week and/or are nervous, and need some extra time to get comfortable and unwind. I'd also suggest that you either take a quick break from sexual activity (15min) and get back into it, or stay focused on pleasuring her. You have to understand how your mind works and do what it takes to stop psyching yourself out.
2. This is an interesting question and kind of difficult to answer. In my experience, more sexually experienced women have experienced PE with other men, and in that case (if she likes you) she will understand and be patient. The bigger key again is being true to yourself and being true to her - if you're really feeling nervous and that's what's holding you back, you could do it. I'm not talking about a long winded explanation either, just maybe a sentence - "I've had a really stressful week and I need a little more time to get fully relaxed." I've run into some women who are insecure or are otherwise inquisitive, and will start questioning this and your intentions (mainly they're insecure that you're not turned on by them) and this is something you want to avoid, as she's in a very vulnerable place and it's easy to say something that could tip off a negative emotional response. My opinion is to tread carefully.

 

[johnydones]

@ozzo , thanks for your advice , its great

Im 99% sure its my mind screwing with me. Last night i was with this girl i am seeing for about a month , we slept like 10 times already , but every time it was spontaneous more or less. Last night she said , "lets go back to your place im so horny right now". As soon as we entered my home she started undressing and there it was , huge performance anxiety. She was ready very fast and was checking my junk out every few minutes. but i was thinking about how she will react now if i cant get hard or how to tell her i have performance anxiety at that point. I could not get out of my head.

Then i stopped , and said it
ME:"look , i feel a bit stressed now , can you give me few minutes to relax"
HER: "why are you nervous around me all of a sudden?"
ME: "its not that . when im stressed i tend to get stuck in my head and can not focus, i just need few minutes to relax"
HER: "dont worry, you just relax"
She then mounted me while i was on my back and started kissing me for few minutes then i resumed and it took me 1-2 minutes to get hard at that point.

So i guess if you have a girl that is experienced and/or intelligent she will understand that you need a bit of time to relax just like she needs it sometimes. Its a huge relief when you know she understands and that she will not judge you , maybe that's all you need.

 

[Grand Pooba]

Then i stopped , and said it
ME:"look , i feel a bit stressed now , can you give me few minutes to relax"
HER: "why are you nervous around me all of a sudden?"
ME: "its not that . when im stressed i tend to get stuck in my head and can not focus, i just need few minutes to relax"
HER: "dont worry, you just relax"
She then mounted me while i was on my back and started kissing me for few minutes then i resumed and it took me 1-2 minutes to get hard at that point.

Handled perfectly =D

 

[daviddreamer]

I understand what you're going through man. This may be a bit out of place and off topic but for the longest time I thought I had performance anxiety as well when I found out I actually had a addiction to porn and could only get erections through the internet and not by feeling. I quit watching porn and 6 months later I don't have this issue any more and I get boners like I'm in middle school again. If interested google "Your brain on porn" and read some articles.