Picking up a bartender

[Scofield]

Okay, so my first post. I've been doing this for a little while, although I still consider myself a "beginner". I've been reading Chase's articles for at least a year. He used to have an article about "The James Bond Approach to Picking Up Bartenders" but it seems to have been removed and there's a bartender I'm interested in so I thought I'd post it.

Okay, so this bartender is beautiful. She works at a nice lounge. Her name is Katy. So a few months ago I started attending this place and liked it and have been going a bit. First few times I did notice her but she didn't serve me and we didn't really talk. If she remembers me from then (I think she does, she mentions seeing me around before but I'm not sure if she's being 100% truthful!) she's seen me mingle and talk to others in the lounge area, sometimes right in front of her at the bar.

After attending a few times, she is finally the one to serve me. We chat for a few minutes, nothing too advanced (I get her name etc). I leave and come back later in the middle of the week when it's absolutely dead. So since it's just so dead it gives me and Katy a great chance to talk...we talk for just short of an hour (there is the occasional customer) before things pick up. We talk about her hopes and dreams and I deep dive and she does show some interest by asking about myself. So before it picks up too much and we can't talk any more at all I ask her to grab a drink with me sometime....and she refuses on account of her being "too busy" (although she does sound like she lives a full life!) I realize she's being polite and let it go and we end on friendly terms.

I avoid the place for about 6 weeks (I was busy exploring new places) and decide to go back one night on a whim....unfortunately she isn't there that or the next couple nights I go in. It's all good, I've all but given up on her and I do like going to that place anyways, not like I just went to see her. But then one night I go in..and she is there. She gives me an excellent greeting upon seeing me, going all the way around the bar to give me a hug through the crowd on the most packed night of the week. We chat for a few minutes, but it's just too busy. She tells me that she's trying to take more time off to relax and tells me her work schedule...and I impulsively tell her that I'll stop by on a quieter night that she is working. I was ready to just stop trying to get with her, but she gave me such a warm greeting and I was very surprised she turned me down the first time tbh. Should I even bother going to chat her up? How can I ask her out again and get her to say yes? I was thinking I'd just ask her for a coffee this time and if she declines I'll just give her my number and tell her to call me if she changes her mind.

Any advice?

 

[Light]

Hey Scofield,

Sounds like Katy is quite fond of you. But this could also mean she wants to slot you in as a friend.
What you want to do is to really move fast here. You haven't come accross as chasing her yet so that is good.
Stay persistent. Just because she refused your invitation the first time doesn't mean she won't accept you the 2nd, or the 3rd.
As long as you don't come accross pushy. She may very well be a very busy person.
That is also a good thing, it also means that she doesn't have time for other guys too.

So the next time you see her on a quiet night, invite her out while you're both on the high. Ask her naturally, maybe while she is laughing.
"So, I know you're a very busy girl, but how about we go grab some drinks together sometime. How is your schedule this week?" - With a sexy smile.
If she rejects politely, just say "Its cool. I'm sure you'll have time for me soon."

In a way you are also hinting to her that you mean business, and you don't intend to be her friend, or just a regular customer.

Hope this helps.


Light

 

[Scofield]

Excellent, thank you Light. I actually went back there tonight intending on doing exactly what you said (before you even said it!) but it wasn't such a great night. She didn't give me as much attention as in the past. It was a little busier than last time but, while it didn't feel like she was avoiding me, she definitely could have talked to me if she really wanted. I might just put a fork in this girl. Just for my own edification, how many times/what frequency would you rec trying to ask her out again?

 

[Light]

Excellent, thank you Light. I actually went back there tonight intending on doing exactly what you said (before you even said it!) but it wasn't such a great night. She didn't give me as much attention as in the past. It was a little busier than last time but, while it didn't feel like she was avoiding me, she definitely could have talked to me if she really wanted. I might just put a fork in this girl. Just for my own edification, how many times/what frequency would you rec trying to ask her out again?

Here is a trick for you. You don't need to talk to her!
Remember non-verbal signals are more important, and this is where they play the game.
You know shes busy, so while you are talking to other people at the bar, and while she is serving other customers, use your peripheral vision to try and spot when she is looking at you. Keep Eye Contact with her whenver you have the chance, and once in a while just slowly smile at her and give her a wink.
She will no doubt smile back if she likes you.

This is telling her that "Although you may be busy, you still have my attention", and girls love that. It is very powerful.
Don't over use the wink, I'd say only twice in one night.

If she is too busy while you're leaving, you can wink at her while waving good bye too. This actually works much better than just waiting around for a chance to say good bye. It lets them know that you are busy too and you have places to go and things to do.

 

[Scofield]

Ah thank you....I wasn't aiming to do that, but I didn't do a terrible job of following that advice either. Not too many people around the bar to chat with but I did chat with others as well. I did occasionally make eye contact and smile. And when it came time to leave she still came over to chat for a couple minutes before giving me a hug. Nothing really screamed "i want you" but I suppose it wasn't that bad in hindsight...just feels a bit awkward sitting at the bar for about 45 min without talking to her a lot. Thanks for all the help btw.

 

[--Howl--]

So I want to qualify this by saying that I work in the restaurant industry, have written a training manual for bartenders, and my family's company trains about 1000 students a year (yes, most of them are women who are 18-25, according to our facebook, no I don't date them because I have an ironclad rule about that stuff).

So, I've talked to a lot of female bartenders/servers about this, and I want to share a success story with you. This was from very beautiful waitress, and she was engaged to a guy she met at the restaurant. And she went to his table, and there was eye contact, and smiling, but VERY LITTLE "Flirting." It was all non verbal. And at the end, he didn't ask her our in front of everyone, he went to the back of the restaurant, found her, and asked for her number. She was shocked at how bold and simple that approach was. And now they're engaged!

From what you've written, I can't tell, without being there, if she's into you. And it doesn't really matter. The point is she's seen you long enough to make up her mind. I would just go when it's slow, and directly, discreetly ask her out. You have to get her to cut the bullshit, and see if she really likes you. If she does, good, but if she doesn't, you're wasting days/weeks/months of energy (not going in for 6 weeks, because she turned you down? Come on man, you're better than that high school stuff).

It sounds like she likes you "enough" to keep you as a regular, and likes the attention, but doesn't want to date you. I've known married bartenders who take their rings off, who smile and flirt, and I've known bartenders who started working to meet their dream man (Matt Damon married his bartender incidentally), and it's hard to know which is which until you cut the bullshit and ask her out directly, where she has to make the decision then and there. And you have to be willing to walk.

Bartenders are just people dude. Hot girls get hit on at the supermarket. It doesn't make it any easier for a woman to find a great guy. If this was any other girl, we'd say shit or get off the pot. Stop thinking this is any different. Although there can be a little emotional manipulation, it's nowhere near the level of stripper. Most of them are sweet girls trying to make extra money and pay for school. Don't be intimidated: Show up, be cool, be direct, and go for it.